Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

DH is trying to organise a date for the funeral. One BIL is being a total arse and any date is no good for some reason. Somehow we are meant to find a date that doesn't mean he has to miss a day of work. This is the BIL who hasn't done a single thing to help care for ILs whereas DH, other BIL and his wife have all lost several days work dealing with emergencies, hospital appointments etc just this year let alone before. All are self employed so no work means no money. DH about to blow his stack.

Just book a date and be done with it . If he isn't happy with it , apologise on his father's behalf at dying at an inconvenient time that didn't suit him !

@countrygirl99 I'm really hoping you've managed to book a date for FIL's funeral. We had this with the interment of my DF's ashes. He died in the March. My golden sister couldn't miss a day of work, then she had one thing after another and finally DM was 'allowed' to arrange it for just before Christmas 🙄.

My DM is hardly helping herself in her quest to move into my road, 4 doors down on the opposite side, without telling me, whilst plotting with the golden one. Today I rang to say the items I'd put on my Tesco order were 'ready for collection'. I'm so cross with her for her deceit that I'm no longer offering my personal delivery service lol. She said she'd set off right away. I watched her come up from the corner, pass my house and then stood for ages staring at my drive. Why? I seriously wonder if she's memorising my number plate so she can take the spying to the next level...

The fun don't stop! After I made a mess of filling in mum's financial assessment which resulted in her contribution to her fees being twice as much as her income we finally got everything sorted and two weeks ago I received an invoice for her contribution going back to when she went into the home in October. Obviously a large sum but of course it was simple enough to pay because the money was sitting in her account and I can access her account easily. I paid it online as soon as the bill arrived.

The next thing I know I have just had a reminder invoice from the Council saying the amount is payable instantly. I took a screenshot of the payment from mum's account and they confirmed that it was indeed paid but the stress of wondering if I had put it into the wrong account!

@Fantasea we have a date though it is somewhat later than we would have liked. Mind you that worked in our favour ad DS2s flight is 50% cheaper that week 😊.
The aggro had persisted through to the wake (awkward BIL given that job), we thought £40 per head was a tad too expensive! But that's sorted as well now.

Hi everyone
I haven't rtft, sorry, but hope you are all doing OK?
I'm sorry about your fil @countrygirl99 x

It's been a while!

2 x trips to hospital via Ambulance recently - no idea whats wrong with her and the medics wont touch her because of all her comorbidities 🤷‍♀️ twice now the ED drs hsve requested a LP snd twice its been denied by the medical drs.

Shes now using a stick to walk but only for the past month or so. She's lost weight (she's 7 stone now)

It's the last night of my "holiday". Its a beautiful part of UK that I love, and we've missed the horrendous heat at least which I'm very grateful for but, Jesus Christ, Mum has ruined it for me.

I said after the last holiday we took her on (8 years ago, a year after dad dIed)...never again!.. why don't I learn!!??

She has no interests, no hobbies. She only watches crappy TV soaps and celebrity type shows. She just sits and never says anything. Conversation is like pulling teeth.

We hired a wheelchair for the holiday (with her agreement) which she has sat in twice for about 5 minutes. £100 well spent...

It's become clear that she can only walk for 5 minute bursts on flat ground. But she's in total denial about this.

She fell up the steps to the rental property on Tuesday and really banged her head. Refused to even let me ice it 🤷‍♀️

She's not really eating much (although has enjoyed fish and chips whilst here)

She refused to even come into to one place she really knew I wanted to go to :(

She's paid for 2 meals out whilst dh and I have paid for coffess, cakes, entrance to places, grocery shop...(she's well off)

Bought a gift for my golden bollocks brothers child today though..🙄

She spent all day one day in bed (which was nice actually as me, dh and dc went out)

I've hated it. Dh has been in an odd mood too so its all been on me...the organisation, planning, trying to feed everyone and keep everyone happy...

I'm exhausted.

There is no way in hell I'm taking her anywhere again.

Dh and the dc have done things and visited places whilst I've stayed here with mum. Glad they did.

But it's been awful for me and I just want to go home.

At least I won't see her til next week after tomorrow...

Sorry for the epic moan!
Love to all x

@Chevyimpala67 I feel your pain! Just back from my 'holiday', a break with my DM and DD. I drove them across the country and everywhere else. DM kept up a continuous narrative as I drove - politics, gossip about her friends I don't know, "do you remember...", etc. I can tell that she's lonely at home and enjoyed some company so I nodded a lot but, grief, i bit my tongue so hard that it's probably frayed.
As well as driving, I cooked, organised all days out, sorted tv and IT, acted as mediator between DM and my sulky teenager. I moved furniture to her satisfaction but I drew the line at painting the wall which needed a touch-up or sorting the jungle into a garden. 'I'm on holiday, sorry' wasn't well received, though.
Today we're back in our respective homes and my DH is doing everything so I can rest and recover - what a hero!

Sorry you've had a stressful time too :(

We are home now thank god but I actually feel ill from all the stress :(

I've got a mountain of washing to do, shopping arriving in an hour (minus the 3 items I really, natch..) and I just want to cry. How pathetic.

I'm sat waiting for the inevitable phone call about something she's forgotten or missed.

I'm not answering. Phones on silent 🤫

I'm sat here with the bedroom blind closed feeling dizzy and sick. Ugh.

She said she felt she had a "cold" this morning. After record breaking heat and temperatures? Sigh. She said the car seat was uncomfortable. Other than that she's said about 12 sentences the whole trip back (6 hours).

I find her utterly exhausting to be around.

I shall stop moaning though. I'm boring myself!! 😴

I've been lurking on this thread for a while now and am finding it tremendously comforting reading.

Father had a severe stroke out of the blue 3 months ago. Parents early 70's and wouldn't have been happy to be described as elderly before this. He's recently been discharged to care home as Insufficient carers available to support safe home discharge due to limited mobility. Severe aphasia so can't read write or articulate himself as he would wish currently but this is slowly improving.

I live several hundred miles away and have been visiting as regularly as I can. The biggest problem is mum not dad. I'm dreading this coming week with her. She undoubtedly has undiagnosed untreated anxiety issues and is emotionally immature and is socially isolated. I have worked very hard on boundaries as she has none and talks to no one else. I am turned to fix everything in Dad's absence and she is desperate for me to take over and adult for her. I am currently refusing to do this and am trying to support her to do things herself. She is currently like a catastrophising dementor.I feel like I am constantly in a state of high alert watching for the next attempt at emotional manipulation.

Wise ladies help me get through this next week visiting her without running away screaming like a banshee. Luckily my husband is coming to support me and this will help moderate some of her behaviours.

Thank you! I feel a tiny bit lighter from just the act of writing that down.

I suggest all anxious and progressively isolated DMs should be put on a what’s app group together and left to chat to each other. It’s the only solution I can offer.

That idea has really made me smile @Mum5net. They'd really enjoy winding themselves up into a right old state and bitching about how little their daughters do for them. That's if any of them actually listened to each other! 😂

Genius idea, @Mum5net !
@GreebosNanny, I’ve saved you a comfy seat on the bad daughters’ bench. You’re so right about the dementors - mine wants someone to adult for her but she also constantly insists that she wants to ‘be in charge’. It’s like dealing with a grownup toddler with independent means, infuriating.

Thankyou @TheIoWfairy. The poor bench must be groaning with the strain of us all. 🍰🍾 to anyone else that needs the comfort. I am binging a Chinese and quadruple chocolate biscuits tonight as apparently there 'is no food in the house' despite having online deliveries 🤔

I need some help, does anyone have experience of getting someone assessed for dementia or anything else when they refuse to see the GP? My mum is clearly deteriorating rapidly... Today she declared that nothing in the upstairs of their house belongs to her, she doesn't know where is all come from and someone must be sneaking in and putting things upstairs just to upset her.
Meanwhile she also declared that a box of old photos must belong to me but won't allow me to remove them until she specifically says so but also wants to repeatedly know how I could be so nasty by putting them there in the first place. I didn't , they've been in the house at least 20 years.
My dad is being shouted at and sworn at daily but refuses to speak to the GP because 'he promised to love, honour and obey' Everytime she looks at him there is sheer hatred in her eyes.
She recounted a story around 50 times yesterday which actually related to something that happened when I was around 2 years old (I'm now 50) which she said proved my dad is a lying inconsiderate bastard.. it happened 48 years ago!
Where do we turn for help?

I’m sorry you’re going through this @Lightuptheroom . You can express your concerns to her GP - I think I wrote a letter, followed up with a call. Whether that does any good depends on the GP - with my DM it took the inevitable crisis for anything to happen.

You might want to try the Alzheimer’s Society website- they have an online forum which I found very helpful

Talking post

I might post there myself,so I’m glad you reminded me it exists! I saw my DM this weekend- I live 5 hours away so don’t get to visit very often. It’s so bloody painful. Yesterday she was so perceptive and lost at the same time it broke my heart “Did you come to see me yesterday? I was wracking my brains as to who you were. I knew I should know who you were. I’m losing my marbles. How old are you now? … Really? God I’m old. “

This was of course also accompanied by the old angry stuff (threats of killing herself) and crying to go “home”.

Which is why I’m awake at this time!

Yesterday, as I was talking to a tradesman, DH fell over, hitting two sharp edges on his way down and putting a 6inch gash into both sides of his head. I thought “I can’t cope with this, I want someone to take over, tell me what to do, drive us to A&E (because I was in no state to concentrate on the road)” . Of course, I coped, got him to A&E where he was sewn up by a charming and amusing dentist (I’m still boggling at a dentist sewing scalps). But when I’m DH’s age there won’t be anyone to look after me, “adult” me. It’s crap getting old.

@MereDintofPandiculation Sorry to hear about your exciting day, both sides of the head at once is no mean feat though. He gets 10/10 for level of difficulty on that one. When mum died I was on the phone with the bereavement office at the hospital and I told them that I was looking around for the adult who would take over or at least tell me what to do. There are times when you really need someone but it's just tough isn't it, you get on and do what needs doing because what other option is there?

@Lightuptheroom if there's been a sudden decline it could be as simple as a urine infection. When you're older the symptoms are different from when you're younger - no pain but your cognition flies out of the window.

so sorry to hear of the difficult holidays and other challenges.
@MereDintofPandiculation that sounds really terrifying. Hope your dh is doing well.
Here navigating end of cancer treatment plus after effects, add in covid, plus dm catching covid from carers, carers off sick so I’m having to cover some calls…..
a long awaited visit from dd which means we are all segregated/ masked/ isolating in different parts of the house….at least none of us have covid really severely.
anyone else fancy a large gin?

@MereDintofPandiculation really sorry to hear about your DH, hoping he recovers quickly . I can so relate to wanting someone to take over, be the adult and look after me.

@TheIoWfairy this is mine, she needs me to be the adult for everything she needs, whilst insisting she 'doesn't need a carer' and all the time stropping like a toddler as she has to control everything. She can't see that she is just one massive contradiction!

Hugs to all those with awful holidays and other problems, it's all so relentless isn't it?

DM and I had an appalling row yesterday afternoon over the phone. When she moved here a year ago, she asked DD to source her a new laptop as hers was too old and slow (like her really), DM paid on her own card, refused to let DD set it up for her as she was too busy stropping about the inadequacies of life round the corner from me, then gave the laptop to my golden sister's eldest daughter but ofc, DM can't remember any of this so it didn't happen. I spent an hour and a quarter with her yelling and raging at me, going round in weary circles with her insisting she didn't buy the laptop, even though she could find the transaction on her bank statement and I could view the e-mail from DD confirming the purchase. I totally lost my rag and told her I wasn't making it up as you know, I was actually there! She's now going to check with golden tits 🙄. Every exchange like this severs the 'bond' I have with my mother, she is a thoroughly unpleasant woman 😥.

Hope he's OK x

I think I'm just...done tbh.

She was awful on holiday. Never offered to help wash a pot, make a cup of tea, make herself a sandwich - all things she does at home every day.

But I guess that was what I was there for?

I have nothing to say to her, she has no interests, we have nothing in common, she is only interested in my golden bollocks brother and his dc.

I'm going to be "unavailable" tomorrow.

I'm just so tired and sad.

Hi Everyone, A lovely person told me about the tread this morning on a mumsnet cry for help. Reading some of the treads gave me a bit of comfort, I think knowing so many of us feel the same way and it feels less isolating.
Thank you. 😊

Chevyimpala67 I think giving yourself a break is a good idea. You are entitled to a holiday and a break and waiting on your mum the whole time isn’t really a break for you. It’s ok to be unavailable (I know this brings guilt) but it really shouldn’t.

Thank you.
This is a lovely thread.
Welcome x

Thanks , we have been thinking infection, but we she won't go anywhere near the GP we can't get any answers. Meanwhile the aggression has got worse again, my dad admitted she locked him.out of the house yesterday, but ' that was oo' says he as he had his key.!