Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm posting to punt this to the top of the page, there's always someone who needs to see that they are not alone with their issues.

All well here, I found the V5 for the mum's car which was not in the file of important things but in the spare bedroom in a file marked "car". I also found the missing marriage certificate which was quite reasonably filed in a big envelope with dad's probate stuff. Less reasonably it was in the bedside cabinet in the other spare bedroom. The car has gone, I've dealt with both banks so it's back to the continuing job of house clearance. If I fill her bins and my car once a week it will get done although (Knitter has bright idea that has not previously occurred) now the car has gone I have room for a skip. I don't think my back would take the work involved in doing everything all at once so maybe I'll stick with slow and steady.

MIL was an absolute joy this week, bright, chatty, laughing. When I think what she's been like for the last few years it was a pleasure to see. She's been in the care home for nine months after it was deemed not to be in her best interests to return home after the latest in a long line of frequent falls. Out of nowhere she's planning to go "home", would I take her, are the buses running, is it too far to walk (it's more than 20 yards so yes). Lack of door keys was not a problem as she was sure her neighbour had a spare bed. I don't know whether her improved condition has meant that she's realised that she's not at home or whether something has set her off but it was totally unexpected.

Well done on the progress with the house @Knotaknitter . I live 300 miles away from DM and don’t drive, so when I used to go I’d spend the weekend filling rubbish sacks in the garage and then paid someone to take them away - it used to be £50 - £75 a time. Not sure how that compares with the cost of a skip

Hope everyone's getting off to a good start today.

@Haribo how's it going with the sedatives? I'm gobsmacked they suggested it tbh. No-one seemed to be remotely interested in doing or prescribing anything that would help us as carers as it was all about the 'patient's voice'...never mind that Dad was frequently away with the pixies and could change his mind from one sentence to the next!

@countrygirl am soooo glad you got away but sorry it was such a stressful start to your trip

@BestisWest glad your mum's cataract op has improved her quality of life...am taking mine for a consultation for hers in a couple of weeks, can only hope for the same.

@OnthePiste glad your mum is okay and your night out wasn't ruined. I'm a big fan of small plates...but always best not to do the maths!

@Chiswick I'm not sure how Fortisip works but you could you get something similar is sachet form and then use 2 to the same amount of liquid to double the calories?

@MrsRussell that's bloody awful and good for you for standing your ground. Totally agree with Knot...not your circus, not your monkeys.

Apologies if I've missed anyone...there's a lot to catch up on!

So I've been on hiatus as once again, life has been lobbing the curve balls at me.

As you all know my former employer wasn't the most supportive or flexible during my dad's decline, and apparently they're keeping up their efforts even though I've left the bloody place.

They supplied a reference for the new job which has ultimately resulted in the conditional offer being recinded...so that's fun 🙄😡.

Fortunately I was in discussions with a local company with freelance work and they're happy to have me back on board. It's only part-time but every little helps.

My best mate is also moving in as my lodger as her move to a new flat share has gone pear shaped, so the rent will help.

However, mum is throwing an epic wobbly because I'm happy to have her stay with me, but wouldn't move back in with her.

She's currently out in the garden sobbing and smoking...

The sale of DM's house finally (and somewhat unexpectedly) went through this week, and I am away so can't cancel the insurance etc, but will worry about all that when I get back. So we're entering a new stage of things.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain that's a bit rubbish of your previous colleagues. Anyway to you and @notaflyingmonkey I hope your new prospects let you move on towards a less encumbered futures.
@countrygirl99 have a happy trip and relax
I spent a rather intense family weekend a few days ago but I think the effort was noted and I'm enjoying a bit of peace and quiet.
Am a bit sad about my first Father's Day without DF and it's only the second without DFiL - don't want to ruin DH and DDs day. I'm keeping a low profile. DM is ignoring it all as it's not about her. Any tips?

Sending supportive gin and hugs @TheIoWfairy

It's my second Father's Day without mine but only just...tomorrow is the anniversary of Dad's funeral.

I've been 'fortunate' I suppose that with everything going on I haven't had a great deal of time to think about. The work thing dragged on for over a fortnight while we tried to mitigate the situation and find a way round it, but the employer was public sector with a watertight process for new starters so that was that.

Then supporting my mate through her catastrophic move and planning for her to come here.

Tomorrow we're visiting one of the uni's DD is considering and Sunday I've got mum in the morning and wine tasting in the afternoon!

I'd just say take Sunday as it comes...your Dh is bound to realise it will be difficult for you. Can you talk to him beforehand? How old is your DD?

I think the important thing is knowing you have the freedom to deal with any feelings should they come up, whether that means having a cry or taking half an hour away from everyone.

Hi everyone..Although I don't (can't because I'm useless!) mention you all by name I'm reading all about your highs and lows and sending gin and hugs through the airwaves..

Since my last post on the 07/06 it went quiet on the parents front. (secretly enjoying it if I'm honest as I knew it might not last) Mum was eventually moved to a temporary CH and my family have a rota and she gets a visit every day..She still asks to come home and gets cross when she realizes she can't ..DB says its awful listening to her plead and say she'll be a 'good girl'..But she doesn't have the 'wide eyed terror' much anymore.. (altho I have weekends off I work till 8pm Friday night so unless it's an emergency I don't go to visit.. plus with the petrol prices it cost about £100 a trip!)..(why am I 'justifying' this to you all..I know you will all understand ..It's just that I feel so so so guilty..)

After Dad actually making that Dr's appt (he must have been feeling really really ill) he wouldn't let my DB in to it..he was seen by a paramedic?? who (according to dad),dismissed my dads feelings of depression and grief. Dad said he opened up to him and cried.
He didn't even examine him for the terrible abdominal pain he's been suffering for months(??) just said he'd make an urgent appt for urology.. Dad came out crying from the appt and DB said it was awful to see..(it just reinforces my Dad's view that nobody cares. It takes a lot for my dad to ask for help)

Anyway things were quiet until my Dad called DB at 2am on Wednesday. He was admitted straight away to a ward where they promptly drained 3 litres!! from his bladder. My poor dad..must have been so painful...Oh... and oxygen levels in the 80s.....He's still in hospital where he's having tests.

Don't even get me started on him refusing to listen when I gently suggested both O2 and a catheter weeks ago! But here we are..DB said not to rush up as he's comfortable now.

I'm going next weekend as our DD has her final vet nurse exam on Saturday morning in North London. So I'm driving her up, going to visit both DPs, pop in to Nieces wedding then home on Sunday. Phew...
I really hope all of you have as peaceful a time as possible..

@Marylou62 that sounds really distressing...I hope your Dad is feeling more comfortable now.

I am on my regular Sunday visit to mum and starting to wonder if it's inevitable to get so cantankerous as one ages.

She just literally expects the entire world to revolve around her 100% of the time because 'I'm 83...' and 'I've just lost my husband...' 🙄.

Current issue is that she needs a diabetic check up which has been scheduled at a hospital other than our local one. It makes the trip twice as long but since I'll be driving her I have no idea why that is such a huge problem, but I guess it's 'the principle'...she's been on turbo whinge for about 40.minutes.

And now the endless comparisons with other people and subtle digs have started...

"X has already paid of their mortgage..."

"Y was always so good with their money..."

"Z always includes their mum in everything..."

Standard answer on repeat Minty - "Oh, that's nice" If challenged, follow with a side order of "yes, but I can't see what it's got to do with me". The digs only work if they land, if you let them sail over your head then they are a waste of time. I found that MIL wouldn't follow up and say in words what she was trying to guilt me with because actual words would have made it sound nasty and leave her no room to wiggle out of what she was saying. She must have thought I was so slow on the uptake because I was oblivious to rolled eyes, sighing and huffing.

Hello all, just popping in- 6 more radiotherapy sessions to go. So far so good. Been lovely to step back from m. Will be interesting to see how long I can maintain that…. Bruvs have been good, carers v good…..
sorry to read all the challenges you are facing. And @Knotaknitter is spot on with her advice, @MintyCedricRidesAgain . Nod and smile.
sending good wishes@MereDintofPandiculation. Thinking of you.

Thanks, @thesandwich . DH is having chemo not radiotherapy, but even so I understand a bit more of what you’re going through. You’re a courageous woman.

Finally I've found you all again, I've missed being here - I somehow hid the thread and wondered where it had gone! Just catching up on all the news now.

@Knotaknitter, great advice, I try to let the digs wash over me but most of the time I end up snarking back, not ideal but she makes me so mad!

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry your DH is on chemo, like @thesandwich, I also live in Cancerland and understand how tough it is on him and of course on you too, sending hugs Xx.

@MintyCedricRidesAgain I smiled at your DM being on turbo whinge, mine is like this all the time, her latest rants featuring Boris and the parties, how she'll never vote Tory, the rail strikes, the cost of living, and the old faithful Covid, on and on and on.

Since I accidentally hid the thread, DM has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and oedema of her ankles and has been prescribed diuretics. She's incandescent with rage, as to her, illness 'doesn't exist' and also claims that her BP 'wasn't that high 6 months ago'. I strongly suspect she isn't taking the tablets, 10 days in and her ankles look the same to me 🙄. She was also scammed by 'the fraud department at the bank' last week (no money taken but a lot of sensitive information divulged) and this was a full 48 hours of high drama. I've told her relentlessly not to engage if someone says they're from the bank, they will never ask for your PIN, other information or to move money but she fell for all of that and only became suspicious when they told her 'not to tell anyone'. She still doesn't really understand it wasn't the bank. She fell for the Amazon scam a couple of years ago and another one I can't remember prior to that. Now that she's been to the branch, had her cards cancelled and account frozen for a week, she's the cat who got the cream, boasting how she 'wasn't going to fall for it and no-one is going to tell me what to do'. She's harder work than ever.

So pleased to have finally found you all again and I'm so sorry to read of all the struggles on here .

@Fantasea Thanks!

my experience of diuretics is they are effective and relatively quick. So your suspicions my be right. Oedema is a pig, all that extra weight on the legs, like walking in water-filled wellies. Doesn’t do the skin much good either.

@MereDintofPandiculation thank you for that advice. I really hadn't considered the implications of walking with all the excess fluid. Her ankles aren't enormous but are very noticeably swollen. Another thing which has concerned me for years is that she hardly ever visits the bathroom. I either take her grocery shopping or get her a delivery and she hasn't bought any loo rolls since the 6 pack (of really cheap ones) she bought in November 😮. It's rather pedantic but yesterday I calculated her usage which is 6 and a half sheets a day, she drinks very little but this is ridiculous. DD26 and I had a bet around March time as to when she would buy more with the prize being a bag of Revels. Is there a bad granddaughters' bench too? DM has been utterly vile to DD too who now refuses to visit her and so her contact is limited to when DM is invited to ours, the last time being when we decided to do a duty meal for Mother's Day.

Feeling a bit fcked off with life today, and sorry that I'm still seeing all my old friends in the same circumstances.
She's given notice on the flat, but it's still full of shte. (I'd have done it the other way about, cleared the flat and THEN given notice, but what do I know? I only said that at the time...)
The care home are now after me on a weekly basis, am I sure I can't help? Can I not help even a tiny bit? Can I not take her over there to collect her things?

They've also said if I can't help they'll ask my brother.
I DON'T EVEN HAVE A BROTHER.
Christ alone knows where my mysterious random brother has come from.
Aaaaaand she doesn't have a social worker any more.

@MrsRussell oh dear, that sounds so hard and so frustrating and on top of all that being hassled by the care home, it's really not what you need. I don't know what to make of them saying they'll ask the brother you don't have.

@MrsRussell Great idea, let your brother do it all. He must be itching to get involved. If care home residents need to be accompanied to hospital they find additional staff for that so it should be possible for her to hire an escort if she needs one (I heard £10 an hour bandied around this week which I though was a good deal). Given your history and her manipulative behaviours there are really good reasons for keeping your distance.

I always got the impression that mum preferred my sister to me, except that I was an only child. She thought I had a sister and two brothers except that was her family when she was growing up. She had lots of memories of two boys and two girls playing except they weren't her children.

That's a bit sad @Knotaknitter, the thought of inventing the family you wished you had. (To be fair, I invented myself a sibling when I was in my 20s, but we thought it was funny to tell people we were brother and sister rather than anything else.)

We are away for a short break. Day two and so far I have dealt with the nurse at the dementia clinic wanting a BP reading from DM, a text to pick up a prescription for DM and her best friend panicking because she wasn’t answering the phone. I’ve blithely pointed them all in the direction of my brother. I may be a bit cross because he swans off to his caravan every Friday to Monday. There is no mobile signal at his caravan.

I'm worried and don't know what to do. My mum takes around £200 out of the bank every couple of weeks. She gives some to my Dsis(she lives with Dsis & family) if my Dsis orders anything online for her, various amounts to anyone who runs an errand for her, washes her hair etc.

Yesterday she told me that someone has been stealing her money - she says about £70 over the last week or so. She had noticed there wasn't as much money in her purse as there should be so had started to keep a note of how much she had spent and there is £70 not accounted for.

She told me who she suspected but she has no proof that it is who she thinks that it is. I know that she doesn't really like this particular person (a touch of the green eyed monster, I think) and often complains to me about something they've done/haven't done - stupid things like how vain they are because they wash their hair every day.

My mum has got a bit of a mean/spiteful streak and I really don't know what to make of it all. I believe that there is less money in the purse than there should be. I don't know what to do about it.

Hmm. Why is she telling you and not your sister?

I think in these circumstances I'd compare notes with your sister and consider whether to go to the police or just manage it from now. I'd suggest to her that perhaps she could stop carrying so much cash around? Could your sister operate things online instead?

Good morning all.
Just an update on FIL.

He is now on IV morphine for the pain, which has got worse in the last few days.
He is on top of the list for a bed at the hospice should one become free, though there is a covid outbreak there at the moment.

MIL is already talking about his funeral whilst he is in the same room, grrrrr ffs, even though I have hinted as nicely as possible that he can hear her even though he is sleeping/dozing. He proved that when DH went down last week . They were talking about our new car while he was asleep or maybe just dozing, When we went down on Father’s Day, he asked about our new car.

So we’re worried that this constant talk about funerals will make him decline quicker than he already is.

Before this late stage, she kept on telling him he has cancer and he told her to shut up, as did we. Now it’s funeral arrangements.

I know MIL likes to be thought of as being an organised person, but sometimes this is ahead of any kind of sentimentality/feeling of the other person involved.

Sorry for the long rant.