Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm sorry @CarnageAtTheAirport ...my mum was very similar in her complete lack of awareness.

On the bright side, at least yours isn't copping off with the carer in the next room 🙄!

I hope your dad's pain continues to be well managed. Is there scope for hospice care at home if necessary?

Thank you @MintyCedricRidesAgain

On the bright side, at least yours isn't copping off with the carer in the next room 🙄!

😮😮😮 I don’t think MIL would have the strength to …. 😂

I think she wants him to go into the hospice as soon as the bed is available.
We appreciate she struggles with him during the night when he needs changing/moving positions, it’s just the, to use your words, lack of awareness in what she is saying. She does ring DBIL who lives round the corner to help sometimes when things get too much.

She keeps ringing the hospice up since hearing he is on top of the list, but they are not answering due to the covid outbreak and obviously busier than ever.
She is most impatient and now doesn’t shut up about that.

Well, we thought we'd got a few things sorted, how wrong we were. Dad visited a day centre on Friday, liked it, agreed to go 11am-1pm one day a week.... Minor miracle as he won't agree to anything normally... By last night my mum rang me telling me that he was instructing her that I was to cancel is as he wasn't going. At the same time I had a message from mum's friend that mum had told her that 'the centre' had no place for my dad as he wasn't 'bad enough' for them. Day centre has confirmed that they didn't contact my mum, goodness only knows whats going on there, but we suspect my mum may have walked into a care facility for severely disabled youngsters which runs in their local area and asked them to take my dad....
So, now back to square one ....

Back from our holiday and it was great. Best thing was, as we were camping in the bush a lot we were sadly lacking in phone/email/WhatsApp etc 😊.
MIL was admitted to a care home 2 days after we left and FIL has been admitted to hospital 3 times, currently still there, so not before time.

@Lightuptheroom that's so frustrating. @countrygirl99 so glad you had a great trip! And maybe it has made a definitive shift in the situation?

DM has been admitted to hospital with a DVT. The nursing home always say they will talk to us before starting treatment but they never do. Still, I doubt there was a choice in this case.

@PermanentTemporary we were do thankful we managed to get all the processes and assessments in place the week before we went. It was obvious to everyone that FIL couldn't cope anymore and the crisis was imminent. We were getting daily calls from various people like the care company, MILs day centre and the emergency alarm people. By Sunday there was nothing more we could do except drop everything when the crisis happened but when it did we had just polished off a bottle of wine with dinner.

@countrygirl99 I am glad that you got away. Being unreachable will have pushed the situation forward rather than letting it be supported to limp along for another few months. I'm sorry to hear that FIL is back in hospital but MIL is in the right place for the level of care that she needs.

It was completely unsustainable as it was countrygirl. If someone's chosen life depends completely on a separate family, at some point that family will have other needs. Hope you can all move forward now.

Oh and adult services have recommended a charity helpline that my dad can apparently call (so who missed the bit about him being totally deaf and refusing/unable to use the phone?). I told them clearly that we are struggling massively with mum's complete change of character and behaviour.. social workers response is that we can notify the GP even though the GP won't discuss her with us due to no consent and we should notify the police if she hits dad again...

It's all such a theme. Over 2 days since my mum was admitted into hospital and we've had a brief update from a nurse. I guess we should be grateful, but I want to talk to a doctor. And we've been told in no uncertain terms that they won't put a DNACPR in place. I'm absolutely gobsmacked. I wonder if we can be talking at cross purposes; they surely can't mean that if my 87 year old severely disabled mother's heart stops, they will break her ribs and brutalise her to get it going again, with a likely outcome of an even worse quality of life than her current very poor one? They surely can't mean that. And yet that's what we've been told.

Hmm, but the wilful blindness to this situation makes for a difficult dynamic. It seems that so often it’s a medical crisis that forces the hand.
I am taking mental notes and I hope that I will be aware and realistic if it’s me in the future - though I’m learning quite a few tricks about how to behave if I don’t feel cooperative!😉

That was in response to this

Good evening lovely ladies, hoping everyone is as good as they can be.

My DM has surpassed herself this week. She triumphantly announced yesterday lunchtime that she's bought herself a house in my road, all terraced houses, 4 doors down and on the opposite side, so mine is in full view of 'hers'! I can't remember ever being so shocked. She claims she viewed it and agreed on the sale 'about 10 days ago' and only told my golden sister the previous evening. However, later on in the evening when we spoke, she caught herself out in her lie, they have both been plotting behind my back! I am so hurt and upset, the reason she didn't tell me is that she knows I won't like it and be difficult and she's right on both counts. I told her that I feel she has gone behind my back and she snarked that she 'doesn't need permission' which is true but I explained that I'm so upset she didn't tell me as it just isn't what you do with your daughter who has every right to know she's gaining you as a neighbour when you rely on her so heavily for shopping, running her around to appointments, being her handyman-finder, computer fixer, therapist and general punchbag. I wasn't that blunt but I explained that I'm hurt that she has been so sly and she said wearily, 'oh well, soooorrreee'. That's me told. She's furious that DD and I aren't thrilled and at the same time, will expect help with her intended move while she strops and sulks like a toddler when things don't go exactly her way. She's demonstrated that my sister is her ally, even though she hasn't made a state visit to see her mother for nearly a year! I'm still wondering if this is all a bad dream!

@Fantasea Hope your DM’s offer is bettered by someone else and sale falls through. Speechless on your behalf. I am so sorry.

@Mum5net thank you, DD and I are also speechless, as is everyone else we've told! We're also hoping that it falls through, unlikely though as she's a cash buyer and the vendor wants exchange in a month omg. The thought of her spying on me plus ingratiating herself with my neighbours, whom I count as friends, just doesn't bear thinking about. I considered also posting in AIBU but already know the answer or I'd be accused of being a troll!

Genuinely, I would still post AIBU. Called out as a troll would be funny though 😄 but I think the outpouring of support would be helpful to you. It’s a horrendous over step that she’s made.

Wow, @Fantasea , that is utterly awful of your Mum and sister. I’ve always thought that there’s nothing worse than difficult neighbours, but this really is worse! Is there any chance that you could move as well?

I have a friend who helped her parents move up from down south to live on the same estate as her. It is easier for her than having them at the other end of the country and she thought it was an ideal location. It's worked really well for her except when it hasn't. She's on a cul de sac and her parents live near the junction. If she leaves the house in the car then questions are asked over where she is going, who she is seeing. The relocation removed the boundary that distance had provided and suddenly my friend was a child again with her mother trying to run her life for her.

@Fantasea If the move does go ahead can you not be on holiday? Wonder sister can continue with all that help she's been giving and come down and pack some boxes. 'oh well, soooorrreee' should be all you need to say.

@TheIoWfairy you're right, there is one thing a lot worse than difficult neighbours! DD and I talked about moving, but this is our home, we like it here with our lovely neighbours, it's safe, quiet and we're settled. 'D'M moved to a flat around the corner from me (but thankfully out of view) last June with a view to 'helping' me as I'm having cancer treatment. She's been thoroughly dissatisfied with the flat (even though she no longer wanted the bother of a house) since she arrived and for about 4 months over Christmas was buying another property (out of view) on the main road. There were two covenants on this which were resolved and an issue over her being expected to maintain a patch of grass which amounted to £5 a week. It was a lovely house but of course it was one enormous shouty drama. She ranted and pointed at me for weeks on end whilst in these negotiations with the solicitor and agent and ultimately pulled out.

About 4 weeks ago, she went for a routine BP check, (I grassed her up to the nurse about her swollen legs as luckily I also needed a BP check for my review and deliberately got the appointment before hers) and she was put on diuretics for her seriously high BP. She was furious as she claims it wasn't that high at her previous appointment before Christmas (it must have been which was why she was recalled) and shouted at me all the way home and I have been convinced ever since that she hasn't been taking the tablets. Now I'm certain, she's much too 'busy' for all that nonsense as illness doesn't exist for her, she treats my cancer with the contempt of a cold at best. Her tablets would have run out yesterday and she's much too mean to get a taxi so would need me to take her back to the GP, yet of course hasn't as she doesn't need them...

@Knotaknitter I can completely relate to the distance removing the boundary. My road is also a short cul-de-sac and 'mum's' house is the non-junction end but I'm certain she'll find herself tending to her front garden most days so she can snoop on me and everyone else. Now I'm on maintenance chemo, I can lead a fairly normal life but easily tire and still have some mouth and digestive issues. I've kept this from mum, as far as she's concerned, I'm still very unwell and have patches of days/weeks, depending on her latest crisis, when I'm laid out on my bed so I'm feeling that this will be my situation around her move, oh dear... In fact, I'm currently 'in relapse mode' as I can't face speaking to her at the moment. Funny if my golden sister had to make the one hour drive (!), probably around the year anniversary of her last state visit, to help her pack and move!

Oh @Fantasea that is horrendous. I actually felt a bit nauseous reading that so God knows how you feel.

Could you move? Not that you should have to, but if it became unbearable, is it an option? I'm trying to wrack my brains to think of ways you could mitigate her presence but...blimey...!

I live 3 streets away from my mum and it's plenty close enough...luckily my mum would never deign to move to a cul de sac full of terraces and crammed with cars 🙄 so I'm safe from any antics...although in different circumstances I wouldn't put it past her.

Not much to report here...I think I mentioned my job offer was recinded a few weeks ago as a result of the reference from my previous employer? I've now seen a copy and it was nowhere near as dreadful as the prospective employer implied but going to email and ask if we can agree an altered version going forward.

In the meantime my best mate has moved in as my lodger and I started working a regular freelance job this week, so life is changing quite rapidly atm!

Mum is behaving...relatively, although the usual niggles are still there. It was her birthday yesterday, she's 83 now and looks about 63.

At least she's given me good genes!

OMG @Fantasea enough to drive you to drink!
Had lunch with a friend yesterday and DH returned a neighbours keys as we'd been feeding her cat while she was away. Turns out we all had the same story of a major parent crisis the day before going away. It's almost like they are doing it on purpose.

The idea of my parents or in-laws moving that close to me brings me out in a cold sweat - I couldn't even cope with them round the corner, as you say your mother is already, @Fantasea. If they threatened to move a few doors away I would be putting my house on the market...

I was happiest living several thousand miles away; the five miles' distance from my parents was quite close enough for the past 15 years, and for most of that they were unable to get to/into my house due to their mobility issues.

I have so far found the ideal travelling distance to be about an hour - I can do an urgent visit at short notice but it's a bit too far for anyone to pay an unexpected visit in case I'm out!

Obviously circumstances change and I'm facing the prospect of one of us moving a bit closer - but no way would I countenance anywhere within sight

Thank you for all your support ladies .

@MintyCedricRidesAgain it has made me think about moving but I'm not really well enough, plus we like it here 😥but it would serve her jolly well right, she moves in and then the next day a 'For Sale' board goes up 😂. 'Oh well soooorrreee'. Until last year, mum lived in a massive house in a private road and had her neighbours 'falling over themselves to help her', meaning one nice lady opposite got her shopping all over lockdown and 'wouldn't take a penny for it' and mum allowed this, she is such an embarrassment, I'm cringing typing this, she's absolutely loaded! Great news you have your best mate moved in plus starting a new freelance job this week, huge congratulations! Maybe the reason your DM looks 20 years younger is that she's been so well looked after?

@countrygirl99 sadly I can't drink due to my tablets but on receiving this news, I could have done with a whole bottle! What is it about the major parent crisis just before you can finally go away and do something for yourself? Then there's the 'planned crises' too - I remember exMIL always 'feeling unwell' at family gatherings when it was someone else's birthday or special occasion, she was fine for her things. My mum dropped her moving bombshell on Thursday as she knows we had arranged to collect our puppy today, coincidence much?

@exexpat several thousand miles away sounds ideal!
@TheIoWfairy an hour away is where my golden sister lives and hasn't visited for nearly a year, perhaps this is the answer! Anything in walking distance is a disaster. For example, this Tuesday I genuinely felt unwell and had rung her that morning briefly to say I'd had to get myself an emergency GP appointment first thing. In the afternoon, I heard something come through the letterbox. It was a note from her:

'Dear Fanta and MiniFanta,
HELP [in huge letters underlined]
My computer is upside down!!! Can you help me? I've spent an hour trying to fix it and I can't do it. I didn't like to ring in case I woke you up'

She knew I was ill yet still needed HELP and didn't even say please! At least she didn't wake me up 🙄.