Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Dr has phoned mum and prescribed some codeine phosphate
He also told her that the hospital have told him that if she has another severe headache she must call an ambulance 🤷‍♀️
I just need to find out what these blood tests are for next week...

That's such a worry. Headaches scare me more than anything I think. It's such a shame that you have had to cancel your holiday. I hope she will be well enough for you to go away together before too long.

Thank you.
Se have a UK break booked for July and we are hoping she can come on that.
Just need to hire a wheelchair from somewhere! If anyone knows of wheelchair hire in or around alnwick please let me know!

Depending on how much luggage space you have you could hire one from the Red Cross before you go - I think it is around £20 a week. Otherwise it costs about £ 10 a day .

We won't have space sadly

Poor DH has had a rough ride with FIL this afternoon. Meeting with Social Services, a number of family members and ILs to discuss the long-term plans for MIL given FILs stage 4 cancer. FIL was vile to everyone, especially DH. Lots of effing and shouting in DHs face. We are all barstards who don't give a damn and never do anything for them apparently.

@ChiswickFlo www.nemobility.co.uk/Mobility%20Scooter%20Hire%20and%20Wheelchair%20Hire%20Lease.aspx

@countrygirl99 that sounds ghastly. I hope you manage to at least sort out some of the practicalities.

SS are going to send DH a list of suitable nursing homes for him to view. Then he will take his mum to see a couple. FIL is furious that the council won't pay for 1 to 1 care at home but it appears that isn't what MIL wants anyway. He is insisting that she should only go to 1 particular home which

1. isn't suitable for her needs, it's more like a long term 4 star hotel for people who want assisted living but don't actually need to be in a home at least at first.
2. is one of the most expensive homes in their county and doesn't take people at LA rates. Top up rates would not be covered by DHs take home pay in it's entirety but we are barstards for not paying up. DH was expecting his mum to be distressed but she was calm and holding out her hand to DH to comfort him while making it clear she was cross with FIL. He won't tell her he has cancer but it's clear she understands his health isn't good. MILs sister walked out at one stage when he was really horrible to her. DH phoned her in the evening and she said she had a good cry when she got home and was on her 3rd G&T. He had used her as a flying monkey in the past but finally realises how manipulative and controlling he is.

Oh @countrygirl99 - your poor DH and MIL. Thank goodness she has him to look out for her.

How awful @countrygirl99
Your fil sounds utterly vile
Good that SS and your flying monkey sil have seen him at his worst though?
Your poor mil. Thank goodness she has you and your dh!
Mum says she feels better but...she's not really eating much. Not wanting to go out.
I dunno.
Somethings up.
I've ordered her a digital scale to keep track of her weight (loss).
She's also requested a walking stick! forgets I bought her 3 of the bloody things and she refused to use them!

Amazed this morning FIL phoned DH and apologised! Usually when he is sulking we don't hear from him until he wants something. DH has told him he needs to apologise to everyone.

Blimey...
Narcs only apologise if they think they will gain from it though...hmmm....
Glad for your dh though

So..it's dad's first anniversary on Monday.

It was only ever going to be all about mum as that's just how we roll here 🙄, but spoke to her last night and there's some kind of new drama with L apparently.. perfect timing.

I'm seeing her later and will be going round Sunday and staying over...and I don't want to get into a slanging match but I really don't have the bandwidth for any of this right now.

Any tips for how I can deal with it/her?

Will re-read grey rock techniques and take some art stuff round to distract me while she witters, but I'm worried I'm going to lose my shit with her again.

I'd normally say it's not something I'm comfortable with and to call one of her mates but they're both on holiday atm. Her cousin is coming for the day tomorrow...poor bloke!

Oh, minty. That year has gone fast!
With your mum...I think grey rock can be great but you have to be careful as it can enrage the narc in question (they aren't getting what they need from you I.e: reaction)
Taking something to do sounds a good idea.
Deep breaths x

So...weighed mum this morning. She's lost a stone in weight she's now 7 Stone. She told the Dr last week she lost "a couple of pounds"

No idea what to do. She refuses to go the Dr and let them know (had a couple of really bad experiences but still...).

She is having a blood test next week so I've told her to tell the nurse she's lost so much weight.

She used the walking stick today when I took her food shopping.

I so wish we had taken her home last year but she was too scard of covid...I don't think she'll be travelling again :(

Dad's been taken into hospital by ambulance this morning, no idea what's going on but thankful that they pressed the care alarm. Hospital won't let sister in until hes in a cubicle. Mum has apparently declared she's going back to bed...

Oh, blimey.
It's awful atm not being able to go with them :(

@ChiswickFlo thanks...I've spoken to her this morning and she seemed more positive and wants me to help decorate the house for the Jubilee street party she's just found out about.

I'm not completely unsympathetic...I know from personal experience it's easy to become overinvested in the wrong people when life is a bit shit...I just don't have the bandwidth to deal with the fallout at the mo.

I'll think of some distractions before I go round tomorrow...have a lovely day out planned with DD tomorrow and a chill out home alone day on Saturday so can't really complain.

Will you go with your mum to her appointment next week? I find one of the most frustrating thing about dealing with the Olds is that (certainly in my case) they just can't be trusted to do the sensible thing!

@Lightuptheroom sorry to hear about your dad...hope you get some news soon.

Thanks x keeping him in overnight and muttering about 'areas of concern' on chest x-rays...

I think mums in denial tbh.

Last Friday she was in pain and scared and told me she felt that there was something serious wrong.

She seems to have forgotten that now though...

They've now decided to discharge him, on water tablets, excess fluid in heart, lungs, kidney and liver and want him to have ultrasounds. Referral to community heart failure team. Mum fuming as she wanted to go and collect him so that she would know what's going on (apparently) and she thinks that it shouldn't take so long to discharge someone!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Mine is a bit like this. Can you talk to her about stuff that's been going on where she lives?

DF (he is 86, very frail and has nearly died a few times now) has been in and out of hospital for the last 2 months now. DM, who is 80 and his carer, told me she was losing her temper with him and I'm fairly sure is sometimes calling an ambulance because she can't cope, or for things that would be managed by care home staff (he had an issue with a catheter at one point). She complains about looking after him constantly, they stay rurally and sometimes there have been long waits for ambulances or for DF to be admitted or discharged, which is another source of complaints.

I thought we'd had a breakthrough on Friday as she decided she couldn't manage any more and was in the process of finding a place in a nursing home. Today she's announced that she's looking forward to having DF home and seems to think it will all be fine . She also claimed he knew I had visited him in hospital when he was sound asleep the entire time.

So we will almost certainly go through the cycle of him being discharged and admitted again. It is beyond frustrating. And I think they'd actually enjoy the time they have left together more if the burden of care was taken off DM.

Oh @HariboMuncher I really feel for you having been in that situation.

My mum was constantly losing her patience with Dad and really quite unkind to him at times but couldn't bear the thought of him going in a home (because she didn't want to be on her own).

The services involved were useless as everything was 'patients voice' which is all well and good unless the patient in question is spending most of their time unconscious/away with the pixies and can't be relied upon to make the same decision twice in 5 minutes.

Thinking of you @MintyCedricRidesAgain x

Taking mum to drs today. Going to try and fund out what's going on re: blood tests and try and push for a 2 week wait colonoscopy.

Mum gets weird around drs. She lies sometimes too 🤷‍♀️ I wish she's just be honest.

Ds1 wants to go to the cinema today (we were supposed to go the day mum got rushed into hospital last week)

I'm not in the mood tbh but he finished his last essay this year yesterday so he's celebrating :)

It's mils neurologist appointment tomorrow...

Does anyone know what we do, mum's verbal aggression to dad turned physical and she slapped him round the face for no reason. Dad refused to leave with my sister. 2 minutes later mum behaving like nothing had happened...

@Lightuptheroom
Sorry to hear that , your poor Dad.
Hopefully it's just a one off , or more worrying another step .
Try to get him to talk about what he wants to do if it happens again.
Does he receive any other help ?