Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

He flatly refuses to tell any professionals, we referred to the GP and adult services last time she tried and I stood in the way.. They've concluded that she has capacity therefore any assessment cognitive or otherwise requires her consent. They did blood tests etc last time, all clear apart from signs of type 2 diabetes, GP called her and told her to watch her diet, when the call had finished she laughed and said 'he can f off'
He's terrified that if he reports her he won't be able to live at home as he feels that she does all the care... She does because he flatly refuses to pay anyone to make his lunch etc because 'she can do it' cue screaming from mum that she's not his f ing carer and he's pathetic and fake, nobody except her knows what he's really like etc. He is physically disabled but doesn't require 'personal' care in that sense and would rather die than admit he needs help washing etc. His view of carers is that you have to have them when you can't do things like go to the toilet independently and he won't have them in the house ...
Meanwhile mum keeps telling him she's going to get him put in a home, she's leaving etc etc

Hugely difficult situation :(

Bottom line is your dad has capacity and can make his own decisions (however ridiculous or dangerous they may be)

The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Tell your dad you don't want to hear his complaints about your mum when he refuses to do anything to help the situation.

As for your mum, if your dad won't report her there is nothing you can do.

I'm sorry x

Mums appointment went quite well...Dr went over all her test results and they are ok apart from white blood count.

Told mum she needs to go back on the fortisips I bloody told her and has just put her mind at rest I think.

She's now under 7 stone :(

Oh lordy @ChiswickFlo that is light, must be so worrying.

We've got the list of suitable homes for MIL that will accept LA funding and surprise, surprise the posh one FIL was demanding isn't on the list. He is now claiming that he needs the carers to prepare his meals and get him dressed but at the same time he reckons he is perfectly capable of looking after MIL for the 21.5 hours a day the carers aren't there 🤔. He probably does need help to put his socks on but he's still perfectly capable of making a bowl of cereal or a sandwich or microwaving the ready meals they eat. So DH has spoken to the social worker and they are going to assess his needs. I wonder if the way he bounded across the room to shout in her face last week will be taken into account.

@countrygirl99 I really feel for you. I think the sorting out stage is the absolute worst and even moreso if you're dealing with obstreperous olds.

@ChiswickFlo Do you have much input into what your mum is eating? I have to admit I'm a bit of a 'feeder' 😳 so when dad started losing weight I read up on nutrition and the elderly and started making him 'ready meals' that mum could easily microwave or pop in the oven.

We went to full fat milk in everything, milky coffee (which he loved and asked for frequently despite having hardly ever drunk anything other than tea before), fruit puree in pouches added to porridge along with full fat Greek yoghurt.

Lunches were thick soups ideally incorporating cream and or cheese.

Dinners again, anything we could add full fat yoghurt, cheese, cream or coconut cream to. Suet puddings, risotto, pasta dishes (made with soup pasta so easier to manage).

Risotto was great as you can make up a basic batch then portion it out and add things to it...cheese and pesto or n'duja sausage were dad's favourites although he was quite an adventurous eater.

He also developed a really sweet tooth and loved Angel Delight...even towards the later stages he could put away two-thirds of a packet!

Thanks for the tips @MintyCedricRidesAgain
I've got her some fortisips today she had one for breakfast
I've grabbed some bananas too
She generally eats m&s ready meals but rarely finishes one
I've got her some mini trifles and clotted cream rice puddings
Sadly she does not have a sweet tooth sl it's an uphill struggle

Mum lost her sweet tooth but would eat roast cashews. Full fat ice cream (there are lots of choc ice type things available now), crisps, roasted nuts, chocolate, biscuits left where she could reach them - forget about healthy eating, it's all about the calories. I'd make a batch of tiny creme caramel, with eggs and cream. Mum could make two meals out of a ready meal for one so it was all about lots of little things because she didn't have the appetite for a plate of food.

Really sorry to hear what you are going through @ChiswickFlo and @countrygirl99.

@ChiswickFlo you may find the sweet tooth thing changes at some point. Apparently the taste buds get less receptive with age and can cause changes in diet preferences.

My dad didn't have a sweet tooth at all. He'd have a couple of digestives with his cuppa at the weekend and the occasional strawberry ice cream if it was particularly warm summer.

By the end of 2020 he was on a steady stream of Angel Delight, fruit jelly sweets, chocolate buttons and home made macarons!

Alongside the occasional request for Chinese ('but takeaway...don't let your mum try to cook it'), Mexican and wine!

I'm so lucky to have such fun memories of him even at the later stages. Yesterday was fine in the end...got away from mum's about lunchtime then had a lovely self-care afternoon...CBD/aromatherapy bath, new book and a nap.

Had a wobble whilst cooking dinner when I realised that being an only child, dad and I were the only people that experienced our relationship...no siblings to compare memories with, so it really was just us.

On the whole though I found the week leading up to the anniversary worse than the day itself.

@ChiswickFlo Have you seen those baby portions of different cheeses individually wrapped? Not just Babybel but a variety of cheeses. We used to leave those for my DM with little packets of crackers after a care home visit and she would graze happily. She's around 6 stone right now so I understand.

That's been my experience too @MintyCedricRidesAgain

I think we build the day up in our hearts and minds. Personally, grief for dad gets me at unexpected times. Anniversaries don't really make me that sad anymore.

Thanks for all the tips. It's a worry. She's not got any energy because she's not eating. Even things we used to do like gp our for coffee or to the shops is a no go atm.

That's a great idea thank you

Personally, grief for dad gets me at unexpected times.

Same here...usually when I see something and think I should show him, or cook something for him and then realise that I'll never be able to do that again...it really sucks.

One thing that did take the edge off though...I've been offered a job 😁! It might be 6 weeks before I start (huge organisation, lots of HR hoops) but sounds really interesting (combo of my interests and previous experience), people seem lovely and it's the same salary I was one before but for a 4 day week (not term time only but I'm more than happy with that) and apparently very flexible...they even have a special policy for people with caring responsibilities.

Oh yes, the grief can be very sudden. We’re coming up to the second anniversary. We shared a love of family history and every time I discover something about an ancestor that he would have loved to know I really miss him.

Congrats!!! 💙

Oh I missed the post about the new job! Congratulations @MintyCedricRidesAgain

@MintyCedricRidesAgain congrats on the new job

Thanks all! Have received three emails full of bumpf to complete since posting...

Give me strength, I'm not sure who I want to strangle most this evening, DH or FIL. DH can faff and prevaricate for England so stuff that he could have sorted any time in the past 4 years is now urgent and needing to be sorted at the same time as sorting the care home. But he is still in don't do today what you can put off until tomorrow mode, finding tenuous excuses and then complaining he can't sleep because he is stressing about stuff he has put off doing. My sympathy is getting strained. The trouble is I manage projects for a living and I'm having to stop myself piling in with a task list with assigned responsibilities and deadlines complete with key dependencies, risk assessments and a governance process. A good few tasks would be flagged red 😁

Oh, this would INFURIATE me @countrygirl99 !

He made some good progress on a couple of things last night so he finally had a good nights sleep.

Good x

Hello !

I've been here before but it was a while ago (might have been called Picklemepopcorn back then). There was drama on and off, but once we lost dad it was more of a 'Stately Homes' type situation than a cockroach cafe!

However, I can see we're ramping up for more general elderly issues, so thought I'd start hanging out with you guys again!

Mum is settled in her bungalow, with a Hive so I can manage her heating and a few Alexa's so she can turn lights on by shouting at them. She likes that!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain Congratulations!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain I'm really pleased for you. Please read the boring bit in the new starter pack about their pension scheme, future Minty will thank you for it.

My news of the day, I've had the email to say that probate has been granted (ten weeks with a paper application for those going along the same path at the monent). I can now stop having the nightmares where I've filled the forms in wrong and given the wrong contact details so they never get back to me.

@countrygirl99 When you are a doer living with a procrastinator it is really difficult not to say what you're thinking.

Glad to hear that @Knotaknitter
I still have nightmares about the hmrc forms I had to fill in after dad died...
Been to see mum...she's struggling to eat and I'm going to ask the Dr for a gastro referral if her white count is still high. There's obviously an infection somewhere...
My horrible aunt is coming to see her next week 😬 so I may get the day off that day 😅

@Knotaknitter isn't it just!