Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@countrygirl99 oh dear, I'm so sorry, that must have been so hard to deal with. Knowing your mum truly didn't understand must have made it all so much more upsetting and frustrating for you. I don't know if it is the timescale problem with my mum though, a couple of weeks ago I was outside her flat about 7 minutes before the agreed time and she commented that I was early but then I suppose she can still tell the time without sensing the passing of it. She has always been very angry and impatient so that is very much there still. To complicate matters, every single time she has come over to ours, she has always been late but this might be her silent protest at the 'vegetarian muck' she is about to be served!

@Mum5net keeping a record is an excellent idea, thank you for the suggestion. The overruiling is a constant theme, yet even if I'm agreeing with her, she does a lot of raising her voice and 'hand banging' on the sofa to make her point, it's very wearing.

Well..I turned up at mum's today to find her sat on the hall carpet covered in blood being comforted by a stranger. She had got up and fallen just after the carer left, whacked her head on the radiator, got up, fell again and hit the wall so crawled to the front door to summon help. Luckily a lovely lady who is a solicitor from the parade up the road was walking past and heard her. DM forgot all about her careline, I can't believe she managed to open the door the state she wsa in, I have never seen so much blood.

Paramedics turned up and were not impressed with her falling 6 times in 5 days so she's been admitted to hospital, well she is still in A&E as there are huge delays but will be. Not sure what will happen then, SS said no to 24 hour care on Monday and that she was fine with 4 calls a day. Clearly not!

OnthePiste my experience was that it took a long time for anyone to see the overall picture with falls, MIL could be back in hospital within 24 hours of discharge after a fall, in an ambulance three times in the week and they would investigate, find nothing and discharge her home with four care visits a day. It didn't help that she was adamant that she was fine and there was no problem, no-one seemed able to see the big picture. It's really stressful when you think they aren't safe but you seem to be the only one that thinks that. Try and take some time for yourself - I know that sounds impossible but you know she's being cared for, under constant supervision and in the short term there is nothing for you to do.

I visited MIL yesterday. She is more confused each week, I am finding it much easier to cope with than watching mum's decline. Our past relationship was not exactly based on love and understanding, I can handle talking about whether her mother will be waiting for her at home (in all honesty - no) without coming out and dissolving into tears.

Hello all, pleasantly busy here in the kumquat room.

I would quite like social services to be run by the ambulance Trust...

DM is moving today from the rehab section of her home to the long term care section. It's scary in every way. Now that she's on the good drugs there are little voices popping up in my head saying maybe I should try to get her into a flat with carers... maybe we could try a normal nursing home again... I just hope she's not too distressed by the change. It could be a very depressing environment or it could be quieter and nicer for her with fewer TV programmes she doesn't like. Crossing fingers.

I saw an old friend at the weekend and it was nice but they blurted out that they couldn't possibly have disposed of any of their mother's stuff until she was dead. So I'm feeling stuck again. Still surrounded by boxes. This friend has 2 houses, both with big attics and sheds... I have a 2 up 2 down.

Thanks @Knot sorry to hear your mil is declining, you have been so good to her even if you haven't always been close. I am actually quite relieved that DM has been looked after overnight and safe. The physios are assessing her today to see what she can/can't do and she is having a head CT scan. I spoke to a lovely doctor last night who spent a long time finding out her history and what has led up to all these falls. There is talk of a temporary rehab placement if she is not deemed ft to go home. Mum will be fuming!

I'm sorry the roller coaster is continuing for everyone.

@OnthePiste that must have been awful. I hope she's okay and you manage to get through to the powers that be that the situation isn't working. IME they are so hell bent on responding to 'patients voice' that there is no consideration whatsoever of the practicalities or the impact on anyone else involved in their care. I wonder if there's some 'magic phrase' about health and safety/safeguarding you could use that would push them into action?

@PermanentTemporary don't feel guilty. What one person feels is no reflection on anything you're doing and as you know there are different practicalities to consider.

My mum sorted out most of my dad's stuff in between him dying and the funeral which I was a bit about, but as I was dealing with most of the arrangements it gave her something to focus on and played to both our skills.

I'm very fortunate that my mum is not a clutter person. We cleared the loft last summer so there's a fair bit of stuff in the garage that needs to be donated/tipped. Virtually everything in the house is potentially in use otherwise.

Tbh if she's still there when the time comes I plan to spend one week clearing out, one week troubleshooting any obvious DIY issues and then hand the keys to estate agent and never set foot in the place again.

It's theoretically a better house than mine, but needs some expensive updates and is so full of negative associations I don't think I could bring myself to live there, although mum has suggested it on several occasions.

It helps a bit that DM expresses no memory of her flat. She was there 3 years and miserable throughout. So I know the decision to get rid of it is a reasonable one- in itself it means nothing to her.

Hello all. Just checking in and reading all your updates. It's now just over two weeks since my mum died. It honestly feels like months ago.

I've still got my disabled brother living in the bungalow and just about coping until social services find somewhere for him to live. Mum is having a direct cremation so nothing to organise there. It's all been very practical and a bit clinical to be honest. I'm sure at some stage I'll feel sad about losing mum, but not yet

@freshcarnation is it really so short?? My goodness.

I do feel I'm doing a lot of my grieving for dm now. There may or may not be a lot left when she dies.

I thought SS had stepped in to provide housing for your sibling carnation?

As someone doing exactly the same as you permanent it's all very well for someone to say that, but where the hell are we supposed to put stuff, and why? I sorted DM's jewellery recently, costume stuff she hasn't worn for about 20 years, and my DD said as she wasn't dead, I shouldn't. She, however, couldn't come up with any other thoughts on what I am supposed to do about the personal stuff like that while selling the house.

Yes SS were supposed to house him but the wheels turn very slowly. The bungalow is currently insured with him living their. A problem as he likes to set fires occasionally

I must admit for the past year I was surreptitiously decluttering mum's house. There were rooms she no longer went in, so every bin day a couple of bags would sneak out

Well we lasted a whole 12 days without either a parent crisis or vet bill. FIL has to go into hospital urgently for tests which means MIL has to go into a care home at least short term. It's not going down well as the emergency place available isn't close to home. Really MIL should have been a permanent resident for a long time and we have been pushing it for precisely this reason but they wouldn't listen so here we are.

12 days @countrygirl99 !

It's almost worse I think when you get a break and then...here we go again, especially after such a short time. Hope MIL settles in ok and FILs issues are sorted ASAP.

Doing my usual long stint at mums...she's definitely losing some of her faculties I think.

Her short term memory is appalling. We watched The Apprentice and she had to ask me who was pyjamas and who was cake 3 or 4 times during the first half hour.

There's been other things today that I've told her and she's then asked me about again at least once if not twice.

She's getting confused with doing her shopping online and with messaging apps on her phone. Asked me what WhatsApp was and half an hour lated wanted me to a check a message she was sending...in WhatsApp!

She's always been a stickler for routine but any thing that doesn't go to plan throws her out for hours.

So the situation with ILs is FIL needs to go in for urgent tests for something to do with his kidneys but he doesn't know what. It will have been explained but he will have gone into a panic and just heard "blah blah kidneys blah hospital". He thinks he is going in today but he isn't sure. Tbh we wouldn't be surprised to find out it's just blood tests or a scan as an outpatient remembering the time he needed an urgent kidney scan at 9.30 at the GP surgery that turned out to be "your prescription for antibiotics will be available for collection".
Social Services have found a place for MIL that can take her immediately but it's 2 towns away and specialises in dementia care and she doesn't have dementia so ILs aren't happy. He also doesn't know how she is getting there and says Social Services have told him he needs to arrange transport himself. He doesn't drive anymore and none of us have a suitable vehicle (MIL needs hoisting out of her wheelchair).
He withdrew permission for Social Services to speak to us after we discovered he was telling us and Social Services different stories to manipulate us into doing what he wanted a couple of yearsago. DH has financial but not health POA for FIL, FIL's choice.
We could try and organise a wheelchair taxi for MIL but we don't know when and only know the town the home is in, FIL says Social Services didn't tell him which home. We also suspect he has completely misunderstood transport arrangements as he has form for this. 2 + 2 frequently makes 37 because he panics, doesn't listen and won't ask questions.
Today is going to be fun isn't it.

Oh blimey...what a nightmare!

At least MIL will presumably have her own room which hopefully won't be so bad. There were 2 chaps with dementia on the ward with my dad when he broke his back and that wasn't great tbh.

Anyway, wishing you the best of British and at least it's Friday...takeaway and all the gin tonight?

@countrygirl99 Beggars can't be choosers, MIL has to go where there is a bed and that's all there is to it. It's not for long and she'll just have to tough it out. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do but there isn't any other option.

FIL could allow SS to talk to you about this, if he chooses not to do that then he can but it makes things much more complicated for him at a time when he should be focussed on all those things he needs to do for his own health. You could make all these problems go away - liase with the home, sort out transport but if he wants to do it all then that's his choice. We've said before that it needs a crisis for things to change, maybe this is the organisational crisis he needs to let his family back into the loop. "You're in charge Dad"

Yes, it's going to be a nightmare.

We've been battling for a long time for them to accept MIL needs to be in a home precise location because of this scenario. But you know olds just because the problem could have been avoided and they are making it harder doesn't stop them expecting you to step in and solve it.

So, FIL already had an appointment with the urologist next week and they wanted to do extra blood tests ahead of that. After which he may possibly need to go in. Everyone stood down for now!

Hello everyone, just joining to seek support. At the beginning of this experience and just realising care for parents is going to be a big issue.
All the unknowns are quite scary.

@Whatinthelord welcome. I'd say try not to think too much about the future (easier said than done) because of the multiple scenarios on this thread, you won't at least have to deal with all of them...

Hi @Whatinthelord and welcome. It is scary when you realise that you are taking more and more responsibility for someone. But remember a lot of posts here are from people who have reached the end of their resources or who just need a place to vent. For many of us parents/grandparents/elderly relatives carried on for a long time with only minimum support or input and even if that increases over time it may never cause many of the issues here. But the wonderful thing about this thread is that there is support for the worst of situations and those really niggly moments that can seem petty to those who don't know the reality of caring for someone who can't remember how to work the tv remote or pour themselves a glass of water.

@PermanentTemporary and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thanks for the replies and advice.

If you want to talk about where you're at and what your worries are this is the perfect place. Nothing too trivial or too awful here.

I just love trivial and awful!
I'm recovering from Mother's Day which was lovely and awful at the same time. Even my mother said 'I think you deserve another Mother's Day for yourself'!! Gasp! She noticed!!

I think I'm supposed to sigh about it being the first Mother's Day without my mum but it was all fine. I was grateful for it being Just Another Sunday. I used to buy three cards and presents, one for my husband to give to my son to give to me, one for him to give to his mother and one for my mother. It was all a bit of a production and I'm glad to be rid of it.