Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Saw DM today (I live 5 hours away and my last trip was cancelled cos I had Covid).

Not a good visit - was told I ‘killed her dream” because I sold her house. However much I tell myself it was the right thing to do (there is no prospect of her ever going home, the house was starting to deteriorate badly, and she’d done equity release so just leaching value) I still feel guilty. And the process of clearing the house pretty much broke me. I feel desperately sorry for her, but her dementia means there’s no point trying to justify myself. Just so sad

@SSD - thank you from me too. This is my corner of sanity! Great advice and provided with compassion and humour.

@Knotaknitter Glad you've found the certificates.

@Onewildandpreciouslife - Dementia is so cruel - the whole family suffers. Not sure if it is the whole of the UK or just Wales but I am having pre bereavement counselling from Cruse

May I have a self pitying while please? Mothers Day has always been a big thing in our household - my mum, me and the kids. Even the past two years with Covid the kids have sent cards and gifts to me and my mum and we have been able to celebrate with 3 generations. Now though mum is in the home. I have always done all I can to spoil her with sweets and presents but now she doesn't want anything I give her. I have got her a beautiful photo blanket with photos of the kids and a lovely card with a photo of her and me. But I feel really anxious about giving it to her. Most presents she refuses to keep and tells me to take them home. I'm trying to decide if I want to give them to her and risk feeling rejected if she sends it back or just not mention it. I miss her!

Hi I've not posted in a while although I've been checking in to see how everyone is doing.
DM has been plodding on at home desperately clinging on to her independence but in a high state of anxiety between 4. carer calls a day. It’s 2 years since her first episode of delirium followed by an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. She now seems to be forgotten how to use her mobile phone which means a lot less calls for me but it’s still such a worry.

Thursday night I got a panicked call that she’d fallen over and had called an ambulance. I shot over there (12 miles away) and found she had cut her elbow and knee although not too badly. Patched her up and spoke to district nurses who said they would be round in the morning to dress properly. Cancelled the ambulance. Arrived Friday morning, all well and mum in good spirits. Went to the kitchen to get a drink and heard a shriek. Shot back into the lounge and found her on the carpet, this time she done her elbow in good and proper and tore the skin very badly.

Headed down to local A&E, through triage very quickly but sadly then had to endure a 3 1/2 hour wait in minor injuries. There is no Internet available and I had to listen to Mum repeating herself every five minutes. It was excruciating not made any easier by the fact that I was supposed to be in London watching the Book of Mormon! Dropped her home with strict instructions not to move from the sofa unless absolutely necessary and the carer would be in at 5 to cook for her. I’d only been home an hour when the phone rang, the carer had come into find her on the floor again. I lost the plot at this point at the thought of driving back over for the third time. DH took me in the end, DM was shaken but not badly hurt.

A Paramedic came and checked her over, all ok just bruising. So we’ve now come to the conclusion she is not safe at home. What to do next… A care home would be the best option although a live in carer has been suggested in the interim. As she is on a section 117, she gets some of her care paid for which unfortunately means I have to do battle with social services again next week. Wish me luck!

I know it's only 2 months since dad died but I wish I could have 1 conversation with mum without her cryng that she doesn't know what to do with herself and that she is lonely. Any suggestions for activities/social life are dismissed out of hand with "that's not the same without your dad" even if it's something dad wouldn't have done like meeting her friends for coffee. Even when DBs or I visit or phone it's forgotten quickly. The other day DB1 went round minutes after I had phoned and got "I haven't spoken to a soul today". I know I'm talking to people who know but it's so bloody draining I dread visiting.

@countrygirl99 DM is the same, swears she never sees a soul, never goes out and never even gets a breath of fresh air. Ever. Despite having 4 care visits daily and 3 x weekly outings with me!

Just checking in to say hello to everyone.

When DM moved into the care home, she had to isolate initially. Then she tested positive for Covid, as did other residents and staff. So I still haven't seen her. Every time I phone I am told she is fine, so maybe it will be good for her to settle without me visiting for a while. Although of course, I just feel anxious the whole time. Hopefully that will pass once I know she has settled ok.

So I spent pretty much all weekend gardening (hers and mine), and am now slightly regretting overdoing things.

@countrygirl99 my mum's exactly the same too. Moans constantly but won't do anything remotely out of her comfort zone to help herself.

She was pretty down today but understandably. Her leg isn't getting better particularly quickly...she's can manage without me being there constantly but still needs the commode and walking stick. Says she's still very sore but won't take painkillers as apparently they don't make a difference.

She worried about losing the independence she does have if it doesn't get better and frustrated she can't get out to do things in the better weather.

Weirdly although it's been full on I find it easier to cope when she's got a physical issue (which probably sounds awful).

@OnthePiste sorry you're having more dramas...hope you manage to get something sorted out for her soon and no more falls in between.

@notaflyingmonkey we had the same period of isolation for dad, although fortunately no-one was testing positive. It's very strange when they've been such a huge part of your daily life, although not so much for me I guess as still had mum.

I can't actually imagine/remember having 2 days together to myself anymore!

God, minty, its unrelenting for you isn't it? :(

As I predicted my sister has bailed on taking mum to hospital tomorrow but I can't do it so she's asked a friend.

I knew this would happen 😡

Mum has asked me to write down her wishes for her funeral (don't get me wrong, it's a good idea to do it) but she's then getting upset about it? A couple of people her age have died recently and its on her mind I think.

We've booked to take her to see her family abroad in June but I'm starting to wonder if she'll be well enough...she's very unsteady on her feet atm

Went to see dhs relative last week...she had no idea who we were. Very sad. She's 85 soon and sits alone all day staring at the walls :(

All in all a bit of a depressing week!

Hello all- good luck @OnthePiste with your battles. Completely get it about the elderlies complaining about not seeing anyone etc- it is incredibly draining, grief must make it so much harder.
@notaflyingmonkey hope you are looking after yourself?
Round two of weekly chemo on Tuesday…. 4 down, 8 to go…

@thesandwich

Hello all- good luck *@OnthePiste* with your battles. Completely get it about the elderlies complaining about not seeing anyone etc- it is incredibly draining, grief must make it so much harder. *@notaflyingmonkey* hope you are looking after yourself? Round two of weekly chemo on Tuesday…. 4 down, 8 to go…

Very best wishes @thesandwich xxx

Weirdly although it's been full on I find it easier to cope when she's got a physical issue (which probably sounds awful). Don’t we all? It’s one reason people with MH issue don’t get support from the people around them. Physical issues usually have immediate practical steps, so while you’re dealing with that you can ignore L

I’d be surprised if I’m the only one to have had the the thought “he’s been taken to hospital? That means I can have a relaxing night in, someone else is looking after him”. That’s why we have such a LARGE Bad Daughter’s Room

I bumped into an acquaintance whose mum is in a similar state to dad's few months ago. She was saying she felt awful because a few weeks ago she was prepared for the end for the second time then her mum recovered and she was horrified at the thought she was going to go through all the trauma again. I knew exactly what she meant that "phew, oh shit" feeling.

@countrygirl99 my mother is also exactly the same, constantly moaning that she doesn't go anywhere or see anyone. I take her shopping once a week (which she nagged me relentlessly about until I gave in) and visit her a further 2 or 3 times. I've suggested she join the local senior group to make friends and am in the process of arranging a bus pass for her so she can get around independently but she's dragging her heels with that now. Even my suggestions of ringing one of her old neighbours for a chat is rejected as she 'wouldn't have anything to say', well that's me told. I honestly think she would prefer to moan. It is so wearing and I also dread visiting.

I did have a moment of revelation when I realised that mum wasn't asking for a solution, she wanted to complain and then have everything continue as it was. I'd been spending hours coming up with solutions, I'd arrive with a list of contact numbers for carefully selected local groups, chosen for their appeal (I thought) and a close bus stop. When it all got a flat no with little consideration I felt as personally rejected as my ideas. Once I realised that she wasn't wanting any change and didn't want me to come up with an answer we got along a lot better.

@OnthePiste MIL unwillingly went into residential care because of falls. She was falling hours after discharge from hospital after a fall. They never could get to the bottom of why it happened and she wasn't safe alone at home. It took a long time for anyone (other than family) to see the pattern and not just discharge her for her to fall again. She's got solid bones and got lucky, no falls downstairs and no breaks. She does occasionally still fall but she's not on the floor overnight waiting for someone to find her (yes, she had a call button, no she didn't remember to wear it)

very best wishes @thesandwich, this bit of sun is lifting my spirits and I hope that it's shining on you too

My guilt at putting DM in a home has manifested itself as insomnia. This has been going on for weeks/months now and it's so debilitating. Having spent the weekend gardening, I went for a swim last night thinking physical activity would be what cracks it. I've still been up since 3.30am, with the addition of a few aches.

I'm definitely on the bad daughter bench this afternoon. DB1 has POA. DB1 is round at mum's at least twice a week, usually more. DB1 took mum to the hospital twice when dad was on end of life care. This afternoon mum asked me if I ever hear from him so I send yes and she went into a tirade about how, other than at the funeral, she hasn't seen him since dad went into hospital and I told her he has been there lots. She got really angry and told me I didn't know the truth, only she did. So I told her I wasn't prepared to have this conversation and put the phone down. She doesn't realise that we share details of every visit on a WhatsApp group so we can spread them out and not turn up at the same time.

Thanks@ChiswickFlo and @Knotaknitter the lovely sunshine does really help. Great insight knot
@notaflyingmonkey you did the right thing for her- she couldn’t be at home. Please try and drop the guilt. And seek medical help re insomnia- sounds like the Adrenalin is still pumping though the crisis is over.
@countrygirl99 budge up on the bench….. so many of us are here! WhatsApp groups are great to cut through the fog of misremembering.
I recall needmoresleep took flowers or magazine on purpose every visit so there was proof she’d been.

I recall needmoresleep took flowers or magazine on purpose every visit so there was proof she’d been.

There would be no point in me doing that with mum - she sends everything back "ready for when I get home"!

My mum wouldn't remember who brought them and someone random would get the credit.

@Knotaknitter, really wise words. DM, who was really keen on the free bus pass a few weeks ago, has informed me she 'isn't in any rush' now and has also run out of ink to print the forms...

@countrygirl99 room for another one? I took DM grocery shopping today and left my house in good time to collect her at 2pm, as we agreed. As I locked my front door, I glanced up the road to see her standing on the corner, she simply cannot follow instructions . A small moan compared with others' issues but it drives me insane!

@Fantasea She simply can’t follow instructions This.
This sums up for me how dementia presents itself in the early stages. My DParents led us a merry dance for about five years as they both started to fail fast.
This happened literally so many times. Please wait till I’m there… Please leave that for me… Do whatever you want but just not that … They would agree and promise and then when you turned up in person they had gone ahead… Every blooming time. Always with some detrimental consequence that had repercussions.

@Fantasea I'm sure we can fit you in if we all budge up a bit. When I spoke to mum yesterday she had completely forgotten her complaint about DB1 and he was back to being the golden child. But still teary and complaining about being lonely but not prepared to do anything. She insists she is going places but when I ask when she is next going to WI (hasn't been since Feb 2020, insists she goes to all the meetings) the next meeting is always a couple of weeks away and has been for at least a month.

@Mum5net and @countrygirl99 thank you both for understanding, I have wondered if this is the start of dementia, but suspect it's also her being just difficult. The inability to wait for me to arrive at the appointed time has ramped up over recent weeks, it's mixed in with the grocery shopping which has been a bone of contention since she moved here last summer. I've been organising online deliveries for her but since Christmas the nagging to go to the store has ramped up so I've relented. I'm on chemotherapy so I sit in the car for about an hour and a half and do this with good grace (I hope). The shine is already going off it. I asked on Monday if she wanted to go yesterday and her response was, 'yes, if you like'! I have mine delivered so I don't need to go!

DD and I have succumbed to FOG and invited her over for Mother's Day dinner on Sunday. We are vegetarian which really doesn't suit Mum at all . I have a quiz later that evening with some online chums so I'll have to 'pop her back' in good time, perhaps I'll drop her off on the corner!

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this and with your DB1 in the mix too. My dad had dementia and it is such a cruel disease.

@Fantasea the biggest feature of mums dementia is she has no concept of timescales. When dad went into hospital she was repeatedly phoning and complaining head been waiting for a bed for days when it was teatime on the day he went in just before lunch, but when he died she thought they had only just phoned to tell her for a couple of weeks. If your mum has dementia she may think she's been waiting for ages instead of a couple of minutes or she may just be impatient.

@Fantasea
I have wondered if this is the start of dementia, but suspect it's also her being just difficult. Mine were mid 70s when this became a thing. Hindsight shows it was worsening anxieties and as they became overwhelmed they overruled anyone else’s view or suggestions. Just put a Note in your phone with the date and instance and watch to see a pattern.