Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

DM's home doesn't allow flowers or plants, so I ordered a selection of artificial flowers online. When they came, I almost threw them away they looked so awful, but bought a nice vase for them to go in, thinking it would help. If anything, it looked even worse. Dropped them at her care home yesterday (under lockdown due to Covid) for mothers day.

The old DM would have thrown them out. We shall see if and when I am allowed in to see her what reception these get.

I was unexpectedly upset about not having my mum around. Had put plans around me to protect myself yesterday and then had a kicking from my brother's carer who text me to instruct me to look after him for the day because his mother has just died. Beyond insensitive

@freshcarnation I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. People seem to be tone deaf when it comes to the vagaries of dealing with the elderly and loss, but you'd expect better from someone in the caring profession.

DD and I had my Mother's Day on Saturday as obviously the day itself revolves around Mama Minty. So I was taken out for a lovely brunch and we spent the day chilling out together.

Yesterday was actually not bad at all. Touch wood, for some weird reason mum and I seem to be getting on better since she hurt her knee . We went round in the morning, then DD went off to her dad's and I stayed for the rest of the day, cooked us a nice dinner, washed up etc.

I was unexpectedly weepy yesterday. I concluded that if I had known that last year would be mum's last Mother's Day at home I wouldn't have done anything differently. I put a lot of effort into her presents every year so I have no regrets, just an overwhelming sadness that she is moving further and further away from the mum I know and love. When we visited on Friday she couldn't hold a conversation, she said a couple of sentences asking if we could take her home because she didn't know the way. She's no longer agitated and cross but she is harder and harder to reach.

@freshcarnation I'm also so sorry to hear this and really shocked by the behaviour of a carer.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty DD and I had DM over for dinner yesterday evening. From her point of view and predictably, it was all for 'her' as that's what Mother's Day is. Hence she was quite well-behaved but that upset me as she spends the rest of the time being horrible to me.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that sounds so difficult and just having no regrets doesn't ease the pain Xx

I felt very sad yesterday, I looked at DM and thought 'you're at the end of your life, no-one likes you, no-one wants to spend time with you and you're only here as I have FOG unlike your other daughter'. She is an object of pity and I can't change her behaviour towards me but it really hurts at times.

I would like to ask my father how he coped with losing his partner years before he expected to. Felt very sad on realising I’d never be able to ask him.

It's all starting here. DMIL93 is having to move from one residential care home, which is closing, to another and this is going to be near DH and I, instead of 300 miles away. The news broke a fortnight ago, and amazingly, the arrangements are all falling into place quickly. I found a pleasant facility about 10 miles/20 minutes away, we viewed it, and they now have a vacancy. The two care directors are liaising over her needs assessment but are confident it can work, and a non-emergency ambulance service has been contacted.

The only awkwardness is coming from DSIL, who is cross that we are taking her far away where she'll know no-one (not really true as few of her friends are left, and they don't visit) and she won't be able to pop in. We sympathise -- but it has been like that for us for 30 years. DH is so pleased he'll be able to see his mum several times a week in her remaining years without a 13 hour round trip. Thanks to COVID etc, he's seen her once in 18 months, and that was when we had to clear her house before it was sold. DMIL was at home with carers before COVID but went in for a few weeks respite while DSIL had an operation, and then lockdown happened.

Goodness knows what is going on with FIL but clearly something is. After last week's palava about his kidneys he phoned DH yesterday afternoon to tell him his oncologist phoned and they can't do anything more for his prostate cancer and he has 12-18 months. BUT 3 weeks ago he told DH he'd had a phone call after his last routine scan and all was good with no concerns, not growing and no signs of spreading. DH going over after work to try and find out what on earth is going on.

@countrygirl99 Your poor DH, that's worrying on two counts, the confusion/mixed message as well as the possible diagnosis.

@countrygirl99 it might be worth your DH asking FIL’s GP what they need to enable DH to speak to them directly.

I think when I did this with DM they needed her permission - she never gave it, but we got round it by me saying “ok, I will tell you what she’s told me…” and they’d say “we can’t tell you anything but you don’t need to worry about that”

(In DM’s case, it was the early stages of dementia, and I’d get calls from her cleaner saying “Your DM says she’s got 4 Romanians coming to operate on her leg tomorrow and she needs £400 cash to pay them”. Not as funny at the time as it is now!)

@knotaknitter he always gets confused when doctors are trying to explain stuff. He panics and just hears blah blah but won't ask questions

@onewildandpreciouslife DH tried this a while back and they were very by the book and wouldn't play ball. We know we are going to be in for a rough ride as he is absolutely determined that MIL (severely disabled after a stroke) won't go into a home even after his death and this is the one thing he will not consider. Even getting him to consider it when he thought he needed an immediate admission to hospital last week was a nightmare and he was saying he wouldn't go in until BIL and SIL said they could cover a few days.

We have an answer. His prostate cancer has dpread and due to numerous other medical issues he's not a suitable candidate for chemo. He's waiting for an oncology appointment and DH will go with him. He is convinced social
services will fund 24 hour care at home for MIL and is adamant she won't go into a home. There's no money for private fundingbeyond a couple of weeks. MIL cannot be left and didn't before her stroke she would never spend a night alone at home as she was terrified. We know what needs to happen, getting it to happen will be the struggle.

It's clear what FIL wants, is MIL able to say what she wants?

MIL can't talk but can indicate yes or no etc. She does get distressed at any talk of going into a home. Whether that is because she doesn't want to be in a home or because she doesn't want to be apart from FIL she can't express.

Occasionally if people are stubborn enough it does happen apparently that people have got funding for 24 hour care at home. Rarer than a blue moon these days I should think.

He is telling everyone that SS have promised itand he has it in writing. DH has a copy of the document which is detailing MILs needs in case if a short term emergency and it notes his preferences but doesn't say they can be fulfilled in any way. DH is going to try and get a meeting that he can attend with SS.

@countrygirl99 what a distressing situation for everyone. SS sounds the best way forward - I think it will help to have an independent person looking at DMil’s best interests. Otherwise it puts a very big burden on your DH

FIL takes stubborn to a whole new level. At least the SS emergency care plan clearly states that family don't live nearby, work.full time and cannot provide care. DH was at the meeting when this was put together and based on experience of FIL telling SS we would cover all backup made sure it was put in.Obviously we have in emergencies and for some planned appointments/ minor ops but it can't be regular or for more than a few days.

@countrygirl99 Wow. The shit shows just keep on coming don't they. I would be most surprised if social services agree to keeping your MiL in the family home with 24 hour care once FIL goes. We've had a similar situation with my brother. Mum always had the fantasy that my brother would be able to stay in her bungalow once she died, with 24 hour cover etc. However there's simply no carers available to provide this, even if social services had an unlimited budget. It's not safe, it's too expensive and it's also unkind

No one other than FIL and MILs sister believes that she will be able to stay. The problem is we realise that the shit will truly hit the fan within a very few months as he is already frail and struggling. Yesterday he fell getting out the taxi taking him to hospital and had to get taken to his appointment by wheelchair. No way will he be able to cope for 12/18 months or so.

Is there anywhere locally that they could both move to? Abbeyfield (.com) springs to mind. Somewhere they could have their own front door and be together but at the same time not be alone. It's not the same as "putting her in a home" when they are still both together.

I did briefly look at full time care - at the time there was literally no-one to do it. Other than me of course.

They are in a HA disability adapted bungalow. The major issue is FIL is becoming very frail and soon is not going to be able to care for MIL in between the 4 times a day visits and she needs 24 hour care. She frequently wakes very distressed so he rarely gets an undisturbed nights sleep. He is already struggling to cope. She is hemiplegic, can't speak read or write and is incontinent. Because of MILs special bed and hoists etc his bedroom is what was the dining room. There are only 4 rooms so there is nowhere for an overnight carer to sleep unless he is moved to the living room and entrance to the kitchen is through that room. So for staying at home to work they need to be moved to a 3 bed property with a wheelchair adapted shower. They are fully funded by SS, they have very little savings, it's not going to happen.

It is sort of touching the way that my aunt and her partner think my mother is "the same old 'Jane'" and believe she'd be fine with 'some' help in a flat. Luckily they don't have to make the decisions.

It's also touching that your FIL is so devoted. Let's hope he might see a joint placement in home as a possibility.

@countrygirl99 that's sounds incredibly challenging. I hope he becomes more flexible and that you manage to find a solution everyone is happy with.

Have just got to mum's and she's halfway through an online supermarket shop. It's really quite alarming how confused she seems to be with navigating the website.

Admittedly it's Waitrose which she hasn't used for a while but she's not much better on familiar ones.

Can't locate the search facility, when I checked her basket she'd managed to put in 5 packets of gammon steaks and 4 large tubs of yoghurt. She's just had to re-book her slot as she'd taken too long to check out.