Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@ChiswickFlo

Call me a cynic but it'll be about money...

They'll have a new client who wants far more slots than your mum...

I have to say I've had my eyes opened in recent years how the non rich elderly are treated

I don't doubt it for a minute. Mum has told them she's happy to have him for an extra hour every other week if he still comes at the later time.

I've had to put any personal feelings aside as I genuinely don't feel the change is fair or in mum's best interests (or mine, tbh).

L has been very much behaving himself for several months now and we're back to the stage where his visits are more positive than negative.

Quite apart from anything else, it's the principle of it...

Managed to see DM in the new care home yesterday for the first time in a month. Well that was a depressing experience. I said to DD that I think I would prefer prison - same kind of set up, but free.

Am having the recurring dream where I go to see her and she is fine, totally well, can walk, talk, eat and drink perfectly normally and asks me to take her home.

@notaflyingmonkey I'm still having that dream four months after mum died. In my dream there's only me that knows that this miraculous improvement (lovely though it is) won't last and then we'll be back at the beginning again but this time it will be worse because I know what is ahead.

This is my first week not seeing MIL (other than all those weeks where the home was closed to visitors). I've got a bit bored with making a fifty minute round trip for a fifteen minute visit. I'm not there for my benefit and if she'd rather be in the lounge then I'm going to skip every other week so we can both get on with doing the things we'd rather be doing. I think she's unlikely to spot the difference as she's not very anchored in time at the moment.

@VeryMuchFlaggingMinty Does it not have some fluff on their website about putting the client's first or being responsive to client's needs or some such? It's always rewarding to quote their own words back at them. Could your mum not swap to the later slot that they are looking to create, 3-4.30 or whatever it is going to be?

Could your mum not swap to the later slot that they are looking to create, 3-4.30 or whatever it is going to be?

That's what we've suggested. It appears that they have a glut of new clients all wanting the same late afternoon slot.

With the best will in the world, I don't really see how that trumps my mum's needs as a long standing client. I strongly suspect Flo is correct in assuming they have a client who wants to spend more money with them, but the amount of pressure this person is applying is ridiculous - she's spoken to mum directly as well as me.

Imagine if this was someone who was trying to arrange their own care being treated like this?

My df moved to a specialist dementia care home recently. They specifically market themselves as providing for ‘the whole journey’, ie. he wouldn’t have to move when he got worse. So someone please tell me that I’m not being unreasonable to be irritated at being told he’s causing them problems because of his behaviours which, I’m sorry, can’t be unique to him and seem pretty damn normal to me for someone with dementia? Wandering at night, wandering into other people’s rooms, leaving his stuff there (sometimes his clothes 🙈). They’re apparently waiting for the CPN to advise them about how to deal with it, but I’m not being funny, but it seems obvious to me that he needs more supervision?

@OhPleaseJustLast my experience was that the 'specialist dementia home' my dm went to was totally unable to cope with my very mobile and determined but 3 minute memory and language difficulties dm. On the positive side, the home saying they could not cope and getting the mental health team involved was the key to her going to a much more appropriate place. It was utter hell for her and us while she was in the first home.

@OhPleaseJustLast

My df moved to a specialist dementia care home recently. They specifically market themselves as providing for ‘the whole journey’, ie. he wouldn’t have to move when he got worse. So someone please tell me that I’m not being unreasonable to be irritated at being told he’s causing them problems because of his behaviours which, I’m sorry, can’t be unique to him and seem pretty damn normal to me for someone with dementia? Wandering at night, wandering into other people’s rooms, leaving his stuff there (sometimes his clothes 🙈). They’re apparently waiting for the CPN to advise them about how to deal with it, but I’m not being funny, but it seems obvious to me that he needs more supervision?

Sounds poor to me

But I imagine it's a staffing issue?

You can promise the moon on a stick but if you haven't got the staff...?

@PermanentTemporary I think the mobility is the issue, frankly, looking at the other residents. They’re used to people staying where they are put. My df has language difficulties too.

Might give the social worker a call tomorrow, if I get the chance. He called me randomly the other day to tell me that he’d spoken to the home, but they still thought they could meet df’s needs. Given I wasn’t aware there was any implication they couldn’t, and he was calling me totally unprompted, I suspect that means they actually can’t. Pfff.

Ask the manager of the home what they said to social services - it may not be exactly the same as what social services report it as. And ask the home if they have applied for funding for 1:1 staffing. Allegedly the first home my mum was in did get short term funding for this, but it wasn't exactly skilled - it was someone sitting in the doorway to prevent her leaving. Most of them sat either watching her without interacting or on their phone :( I don't blame them for not being skilled and I doubt that my mum was at all nice to them but at the same time she was traumatised by the whole experience. I was tearing my hair out trying to get there every day for a visit while working full time and it was all an utter nightmare. She still fell a few times, and was constantly wet as she refused to cooperate with any washing or continence care. They did eventually get her to take some medication prescribed by the mental health team which improved things slightly but it was the manager of the home saying very definitely that they could not meet her needs that changed things.

We’re self funding at the moment, although the money is due to run out in a few months. So I guess if 1:1 was needed we’d need to pay? God, this whole process is insane. Social services have already told me that when the money runs out they might have to move him as it’s too expensive, even though I specifically chose that home because it’s one they use that they told me to choose so he wouldn’t have to move. I’m wondering if it might be for the best though and everyone might just spot it as a convenient opportunity to call time on what clearly isn’t working.

I’m just so tired, and frankly, despite this situation clearly not being ideal, just glad I’m not having to drive 30 miles to deal with an ambulance and police because he’s pushed my mum over. I want him to be safe and looked after, but I need the people who are supposedly the experts in this to do their sodding jobs and tell me what needs to happen for a change, instead of vice versa.

Just dropping in to say hi to you all and sorry for all you are having to deal with. Ploughing on with chemo…. 5 more to go fingers crossed….
Dm doing ok so far cross fingers…..

OhPlease I'm so sorry to hear it. TBH the manager of the home should be your ally. I wonder if they've considered CHC funding? They could at least try. That should be for them to do , not you.

@thesandwich

Just dropping in to say hi to you all and sorry for all you are having to deal with. Ploughing on with chemo…. 5 more to go fingers crossed…. Dm doing ok so far cross fingers…..

Best wishes @thesandwich xx

Thank you@ChiswickFlo🌺🌺

The copd nurse came today for a home visit (mum had an appointment booked when she was in hospital..)

I did point out it's been 3 years since she had a review...

She's been put on a new inhaler.

I've got her some fortisips and some anto nausea meds

@thesandwich Nice to see you, are you enjoying this lovely Spring weather? (It didn't actually rain here today although it threatened it all day)

Just nipping in to say hello to you all and read your updates. It's now 5 weeks since my mum died. The undertaker rang to say can I collect her ashes this week.

My poor disabled brother who was struggling on alone in the bungalow had a nasty fall last week and ended up in hospital. He was better by Friday but was not allowed to go home to the bungalow as it's not (and never was) safe for him there with so little care provided by the council. So he's stuck in hospital. Perfectly well while social services sort out a care home for him. He's been ready to be discharged for a week now...

Just popping in too, noticed that there was some discussion about incontinence pads above. Just awaiting a call back from the doc because the Tena are making mum sore and she has a rash. I’ve ordered a selection from Age Uk for her to try but wonder if anyone has some recommendations?

I got some from amazon
I'll try and link

DM's care home asked us to supply these 'slips' rather than the full pants.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07X6HCMQQ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?th=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

[[Brand: iD Expert
4.4 out of 5 stars1,181Reviews
iD Expert Form Disposable Super Incontinence Pads, Fast Absorbing Disposable Briefs, Anti-Leak Protection with Wetness Indicator, Comfortable Cotton-Feel, Odour Control, 2900ml, 21 Pads]]

Thank you both, I’ll order some of each and see how she gets on.

Care homes prefer pads to pants because if the resident is wearing trousers or tights, pants require a clothes change. With 30 residents this can be quite an extra burden