Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Glad it went ok Country. Here's hoping your mum settles down now.

@countrygirl99 I'm pleased the funeral went well and hope your mum settles a little now.

@countrygirl99 I'm pleased it went as well as it could...be gentle with yourself this week especially. The week after felt like the twilight zone for me.

Thanks @whatever45, it's nice to feel I'm finally moving forward a little.

That said I discovered yesterday that mum has been telling one of her friends some very personal business of mine, and telling another that when I stay on a Thursday I leave 'first thing on Friday morning'...which is complete BS...it's usually sometime between 12-2pm so I'm more than a.little disgruntled with her atm.

Haven't reported in for a while as thankfully things have been going quite smoothly for us too.

However, MIL has just had her heart op cancelled for the third time! I know things are difficult but she is really suffering quite badly with breathlessness now, and has aged visibly in the last two months.

She had a brain scan about a month ago (she has no idea why ) but we don't know the result, as she still won't give her consent for the GP to talk to us.

@countrygirl99 so sorry for your loss, 💐

Argh my widowed mum has just told me travelling five hours, spending three days sleeping on a mattress on the floor after having Covid, coming out of isolation and working 26 hours then getting in a train so I could be on hand after her cataract op would be like a mini break. I have three kids and a husband and a full time job, I haven’t seen my own family for ten days after Covid and I honestly want to kill her. Plus she doesn’t want to sort out LPOA as they cost tens of thousands-I am an only child and she has no other family.

@Goldenhedgehogs

Argh my widowed mum has just told me travelling five hours, spending three days sleeping on a mattress on the floor after having Covid, coming out of isolation and working 26 hours then getting in a train so I could be on hand after her cataract op would be like a mini break. I have three kids and a husband and a full time job, I haven’t seen my own family for ten days after Covid and I honestly want to kill her. Plus she doesn’t want to sort out LPOA as they cost tens of thousands-I am an only child and she has no other family.

Did you manage to stay calm and tell her a) no, and b) LPAs cost £82 if you do them yourself, maybe a few hundred if you want a solicitor to hold your hand through the process?

Sympathies for what you are dealing with.

I've been a bit quiet on here for a while. DM has had a nasty UTI since before Christmas, on and off different antibiotics, side effects from too many antibiotics, up and down on the stair lift all day (the only way she can reach the loo) or staying in bed because it is too much hassle.

I can't help wondering if it is at least partly psychosomatic, as a way of trying to put off the move to a sheltered flat, which should be happening around the end of this month, finally! I am being sympathetic but firm, and reminding her that it will all be a lot easier when she is in a small flat with an accessible bathroom and everything on the same level.

It's going to be a stressful experience all round, and then I have the joy of clearing five decades' worth of books and antiques and paperwork and junk before trying to sell the house. But at least I can get on with it.

@Goldenhedgehogs LPAs are cheap if you DIY (it's not difficult, I managed it but you will need a printer). If something happens and she doesn't have one - well that is the expensive option. It means an application to the Court of Protection, it's much more expensive, takes longer and there's a supervision fee afterwards.

We've talked here before about the minimisation of family care - you're going on a mini break, someone else just pops in (the cleaning/cooking/admin is overlooked). If you're not paying a stranger to do it then it's not really care at all.

Speaking of Court of Protection timescales a few years ago at work we had s branch we wanted to refurbish but needed landlord consent. Landlord had dementia and the Court of Protection was involved. 2 years down the line we were no further forward and so closed the branch instead. Made me realise how important POA is.

My DM refused to give us a POA because she insisted she was “too smart” to need one. We had to be appointed deputies by the court of protection and it was a bit of a painful process but it only (!) took about 6 months.
The LPA form online is really easy to fill in - I prepared one a couple of times, but even if she’d have been willing I’m not sure if we’d have got someone to certify capacity

Can I drop in and ask for some words of wisdom from those that have been there before?

My step dad has dementia and my mum has increasingly been struggling, losing patience with him. It all came to a head a few weeks back when he pushed her after she lost her patience and shouted at him, and she fell and hit her head. Since then I’ve been in crisis mode, working with social services to get him a care home place. It goes ‘to panel’ on Wednesday with social services (I’m not 100% what exactly - the best interests decision I guess?) but the social worker says it’s a done deal, and we have a care home place waiting for us, we just need to name a date. But now I’m wobbling massively. I know objectively that all the arguments I put forward are accurate and true and it’s for the best and all that but…I just can’t bear to think about actually doing it. What are we going to tell him? He’s so dependent on my mum, he won’t even go to bed without her. It’s like taking a toddler away from everything they know. God, how the hell am I going to do this?

Hi @OhPleaseJustLast My mum went into a home at the end of last year. I keep telling her that it is just until she gets stronger - she has dementia and severe arthritis.

Time loses meaning so I just make reassuring noises and tell her that we will see how she is in a few weeks etc.

She has been very unhappy, or at least tells me she has, but the staff tell me she is the life and soul of the party! It will be hard for you and your mum as well as for him but it is for the best. Social services won't find a home for someone if they don't think it is necessary. It is the right thing to do.

I think you can honestly tell him that your mum needs a rest and hasn't been well (no need to say why). Things do change as people get older and he needs someone around to help. Your mum needs to rest at the moment so he needs to be away for a while. Rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat.

You aren't putting him in prison or the workhouse. You are finding a nice place where he can live safely and with dignity and so that your mum can recover. She can be his wife again without the stresses of caring 24/7.

@OhPleaseJustLast He might want to stay at home but we can't always have what we want. Children want a pony but they have no consideration of what that actually means, they can't see the reality that is needed to support the fantasy they have in their head. There are other people's needs to take into consideration here, your mum, you and the rest of the family included. You know this. If social services have said that he needs residential care then he does, that's the chapter he's reached in the story of his life. We may all wish for a different story but we get what we get.

Both mum and MIL thought that they worked in the home that they were in, after four months mum told me that she was the happiest she'd been in years. Try to distract yourself from the worry about the future, get on with labelling all his clothes, his walking stick, his glasses. You can tell him the truth, mum is run down and needs a break. She needs some time on her own with only herself to worry about to get her strength back. Depending where he is on the dementia journey it won't matter what you tell him because only you will remember it.

I had to leave mum at the door of a home I hadn't been into because of covid and I thought I would feel terrible. What I felt was relief, someone would be there at every mealtime to encourage her to eat, someone would be there in a morning to look out clean clothes, someone would be there to chat to rather than her being home on her own.

If you have a wobble think that your mum will be able to go out and get her hair done, visit friends, go on holiday - all in the knowledge that her absence isn't putting her husband at risk.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the words of wisdom. I do know that it’s the right thing. It comes down to the simple fact that Mum can’t care for him anymore, and he can’t care for himself. It’s just bloody hard.

@OhPleaseJustLast

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the words of wisdom. I do know that it’s the right thing. It comes down to the simple fact that Mum can’t care for him anymore, and he can’t care for himself. It’s just bloody hard.

This was exactly the reason I pushed for my dad to go into a care home.

Mum couldn't look after him...she'd get up into he morning and be worrying about the house looking spotless and having her hair and make up on before the carers came than sorting out his breakfast and meds. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't ignoring his needs, just had her priorities arse about face.

Losing patience, couldn't deal with personal care at all, didn't agree with giving painkilling meds until he was crying out in pain...it was horrific, and the hospice had declined our referral 3x.

I still believe it was the best thing we could've done, even though visiting was limited at the time.

His pain was well managed, he was kept clean and comfortable and well fed with home cooked food. Most of all it was peaceful...he didn't have to deal with my mum's hysterics or me losing my shit with her because we were both so frustrated, exhausted and stressed.

What we want and what we need are sometimes two very different things and although the powers that be will hit you with 'patient's voice' at every opportunity, this is not just about what's best for your dad.

Be kind to yourself .

How did the job applications go Minty?

How are you doing with the chemo Sandwich?

Hello all, thanks@notaflyingmonkey two down, ten to go….. so far, pretty good and no major side effects🤞Except feeling weedy for a few days and I’m now sporting some v fetching headwear- the joys of very quick showers! Next cocktail will be weekly so we will see. Found an amazing personal trainer on line who is an expert in cancer rehab and is helping massively.
How are you nota; any progress with assessment etc for your mum?
And your health?
Sending good wishes to all.

@thesandwich you sound so positive...it's really inspiring. I hope all continues to go smoothly for you.

@notaflyingmonkey quiet week really.

I had a phone chat with one job but won't hear until the end of next week if I'll get a formal interview.

Was hoping to hear from the job I had a video interview for last week about a formal interview but nothing so far.

Had an email from another asking to have a phone chat, sent back saying 'great, let me know when's convenient' and haven't heard a thing since.

Submitted another application today...writing tomorrow, start again on Sunday

Keep going @NewYearNewMinty, it's irritating to go through the process but having a job will be really positive for you (and be an excellent excuse when your mother gets demanding)
I've got a bit more headspace now Dad's funeral is behind us (thinking of you too @countrygirl99 ). What's become more apparent is Mum's inability to cope with simple admin, anxiety and a worrying vulnerability. She's making daft decisions, which I understand we all do sometimes, but it's difficult to watch. I have a LPA but she's adamant that she's going to do the daft stuff.
What's the process for actually putting it into action ultimately, when the time comes? She wouldn't fail any objective test of capacity (yet) so I suspect I'll be sitting back watching the crash then expected to clear up the mess. Anyone any advice?

I used my POA with mum's bank before she lost capacity, but was already starting to miss bills etc and get into a muddle. It meant I had joint access to her account, but sole access to her online banking (she wasn't computer literate), so that I could set up paperless direct debits etc so that I knew things were getting paid on time.

@TheIoWfairy like @notaflyingmonkey I got access via the POA to my Mum's banking long before she lost capacity. It took a proper appointment at the bank branch to get it set up (alone) but was very easy. The wording i used with my mum was to make it clear that she would still make the decisions but it meant I could do the legwork for her. I'm not sure that she ever really understood what online access for me actually meant, but the ability to reassure her when she panicked about having no money left was priceless. She was always pretty reasonable even when a bit forgetful though.

The financial LPA can be used when the person still has capacity if the right box has been ticked.

Capacity isn’t a single assessment and can fluctuate. You have to decide at each decision point “does this person have capacity to make this decision?”

Lack of capacity doesn’t mean “making bad decisions”. It means being unable to understand what the decision means. For example, a man who always reads the small print before putting savings into a building society, can no longer separate different bits of small print in his head, confusing the t&c for the savings account with the t&c for his fuel supply, for example. A savings bond would mature, and by the time he decides to put it in another bond, that bond has closed. So his money stays in a low interest instant access, not because he’s made the arguably bad decision to do that, but because he lacks the mental capacity to do anything else.

So, when the time comes, it’s very easy. Provided the POAs have already been registered (they have the Office of Public Guardian stamp in the corner of each page), all you have to do is show the POA to each institution when you need to deal with it, they’ll take a copy, and keep a record that they should now deal with you as if you were your Mum.

@TheIoWfairy The websites for the banks will tell you what id they want to see, some you can book an appointment in advance. With "new" PoAa there is a code that you can generate which allows them to look at the PoA online and cuts out the copying of forms, my experience in September was that none of the places I had to contact was using that.