Well I’ve just sat and read all your posts carefully, and I’m in bits.
What many of you have been through is exactly what I am expecting this to be like. I feel I have no choice that doesn’t lead to a lifetime of guilt.
To answer a couple of questions… it is our shared house we would be bringing mum home to. We have lived here for 34yrs (I was 14 when we moved in). My dh moved in when I was 18. She has a bedroom and lounge at the front of the house. The hospital bed and hoist have been set up since early November. We have waited day by day since then for the care package.
When she went into hospital, she was confused, but knew where she was. Now, she doesn’t know she’s in hospital. She doesn’t remember home, but there is recognition on her face when I show her photos of home. She knows us.
She hasn’t had a diagnosis of dementia, as they won’t do it until she’s in her own environment. She clearly has a type of dementia though. She has two teddies that she talks to, she thinks they’re real people. She gets very distressed at times, but is never aggressive or nasty. The staff love her! She is a real character, and very placid.
As suggested here, I could draw up a pros and cons list. I would have a whole list of cons and just one pro. The pro would be that mum would be home and in our care. There are no long term pros for me and the rest of my family.
I suffer with anxiety, and this goes hand in hand with overthinking everything. Over the last 5.5months of her being in hospital, there is not one negative point about her coming home that has not popped into my brain multiple times. I am already exhausted.
As she is only 76, this could be for the next 10yrs + That scares me to death.
She has been cared for by two people each time
in hospital. At home, when dh is at work there will be just me. I don’t even know if I can physically roll her over by myself.
The way she is atm in hospital is lying in bed 24/7. She was in a chair when she went to rehab, but after she had a gall bladder infection in October, they stopped the rehab and just left her in bed. No medical reason why she needs to be in bed. The type of armchairs they have don’t support her, and they don’t have recliners in this hospital.
Now they are saying she is starting to get a bed sore.
After Christmas, I had a wobble and almost agreed to her going into a home, but they made it clear they will not fund a nursing home, but a care home. I think her needs are too great, due to being bedridden and possibly developing a bed sore. So we went back to having her home.
The care homes in our small town don’t have good reputations. Others are 10+ miles away. She would have to quarantine for 14 days, and i know her confusion would be awful. If she can’t even get out of bed, will she just spend the rest of her life in a room on her own?? She has been in the same room in hospital since August, so she is settled. She spent 3 weeks in a different hospital at first, and they were so unkind to her. She went downhill so much. I can’t see her like that again.
I 100% know bringing her home is not the right decision for me, my dh and children. Everything you’ve all said is true, and I believe we are just about to make the biggest mistake ever, which is ridiculous. I’m definitely not going into it with my eyes closed, but I feel like I have to live it to know that eventually a care home is the only option.
Thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. IRL nobody is very honest! I have some good friends, who are very supportive, but they haven’t lived it like you all have. I appreciate your honesty. I have some really serious worries in my head about all this, and it helps to get it written down.