Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

The bad daughter's bench has been reupholstered because of the wear, it's toasty in here because of the fire (virtual heating doesn't come with a bill) and there's hot chocolate for all. Regular poster, sometimes poster, lurker - it doesn't matter, all are welcome.

In real life I have soup simmering, it is part of a back of the freezer clearance of small leftovers. I've worked out why I never seem to buy anything for lunch, I've spent decades eating my lunch with mum and although I've not done that since April I've still not made that mental adjustment that leads through to the shopping list.

There was me thinking it was warm due to so many people crowding in!
Dad is still hanging on in there. Mum doesn't understand that he isn't going to get better which makes for some very awkward conversations. Yesterday she told the GP she is looking forward to getting him home again among other things that clearly demonstrated her dementia. That was never going to happen, it would have been a care home.

I made bottom of the fridge vegetable soup at the weekend - anything that was still identifiable went in the pot. I'm terrible at looking after myself when stressed, so am forcing a bowl of healthy soup down me.

I have realised that I am struggling with the concept of selling DM's house, as it means she has nowhere to go back to when she gets better.

Yesterday I put in my family group chat that DM had managed to do a couple of crosswords in a mag, so I saw that as a positive sign of her improvement. DD pointed out that it was a mag that DB had taken her in from home, and that she could no longer actually read.

It would appear that I am in denial over how bad this stroke was.

nota strokes are so hard. When MIL had hers FIL clung on to the hope that she would recover the ability to speak for well over 2 years. In the end he took her out of the care home after 23 months as he was convinced being there was holding her back. I think it was about 3 years before he could accept it wasn't going to happen.

Afternoon
(Budge up...)
Had to take mum to drs this morning. She's dizzy, low BP and weak.
They've tweaked one of her meds so 🤞 she'll feel better by the time we go back next week.
She's also developed a tremor in her hands.
Fun times.
Cockroach all x

@notaflyingmonkey After my husband died I was a long while before I moved his shoes from the porch because he'd be wanting them when he came back. I knew he was dead, I knew he wasn't coming back but moving his shoes would be recognising that and I wasn't ready to do it.

I knew intellectually that mum wasn't going to suddenly recover from her dementia and go back to her old self living at home but I didn't really accept that for months after she'd gone into residential care. We want a happy ending, it's hard to accept that there won't be one. I have wondered whether this is why I'm so relaxed (the correct description might be "slow") about applying for probate, I'm not ready to sell the house but I can't legally do a thing with it at the moment even if I did want to. I am legitimately waiting for a valuation on some rings after which I'm out of delaying tactics (the DWP need to tell me whether they are owed money but I suspect I can work that out for myself)

The soup was one of the best I've ever eaten, as I threw random stuff in a pan there's no chance of duplicating it but I wrote down what I remember putting in it so I might get close another time. Chicken, chicken stock, garlic, ginger, butternut squash, red lentils, chili flakes, lime juice and coconut milk. I doubt the half tin of sweetcorn, frozen, made any difference at all.

Selling houses for other people is so difficult. It looks like my mum's flat sale is going through quite soon and I'm panicking that we shouldn't have sold it. But I do think it has to be the right decision, God knows we agonised enough before putting it on the market.

@Knotaknitter that soup sounds gorgeous!

Sorry to hear that everyone is wading through treacle atm.

We went to see our local Abbeyfield Independent living place on Wednesday...it was absolutely amazing and brilliant value.

Mum liked it, but isn't sure she's ready for it just yet (I think she definitely is, but it's the dissonance between knowing it and accepting it as we all know).

They do a trial stay but it's for 3 months which is quite a commitment.

She wants to take L to see it next week .

Sorry to hear of all the challenges you are all facing. Soup sounds lovely.
@notaflyingmonkey your dm may have some vision etc…. Hopefully proper assessment and support can be given. But please try and give yourself some time. The la may well offer deferred payment re house etc……
And @NewYearNewMinty get applying for jobs if you feel ready…..
Chemo started here…. So far ok, and overwhelmed by the love and support from wonderful friends and some(!) family.long way to go.

@thesandwich

Sorry to hear of all the challenges you are all facing. Soup sounds lovely. *@notaflyingmonkey* your dm may have some vision etc…. Hopefully proper assessment and support can be given. But please try and give yourself some time. The la may well offer deferred payment re house etc…… And *@NewYearNewMinty* get applying for jobs if you feel ready….. Chemo started here…. So far ok, and overwhelmed by the love and support from wonderful friends and some(!) family.long way to go.

Very best wishes @thesandwich xxx

Good luck with the chemo sandwich.

This room has become a lifeline for me recently. I'm not one for sentiment, but I am very grateful for the support here.

Thank you @Opal8 and @notaflyingmonkey.
I do believe this board is a lifesaver. Just to be heard by those who have been there, and lots of brilliant advice.
I am so grateful for the support, advice, humour and cake(!)
I’ve just had my second session with a brilliant personal trainer specialising in people through and beyond cancer treatment… absolutely fantastic. She talked about “who’s on team sandwich” and I’ve been gobsmacked by the support I’ve had.
We are all team cochroach

@thesandwich take care of yourself and make the most of that support. Hope all goes well

I am already applying for jobs and had an interview Wednesday (unsuccessful) and another lined up on Monday, as well as a shortlist of jobs to apply for next week.

I'm a bit all over the place emotionally atm, either feeling really anxious, depressed or very positive and not much in between but it's early days.

Well done, Minty! My son struggles to get interviews.

Nursing home rang yesterday night “no urgency, but I think you should come and see your dad over the weekend” . This, despite the home being shut for Covid.

I’m not ready to say goodbye.

He wanted to get to 100. But perhaps the fact that recently he’s told me he’s 102 or 103 means he feels he’s had enough.

Forgive me if I’m not my usual self over the next few days

Sorry to hear that Dint. I hope that you get to visit him ok.

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you. 🌺🌺

Oh meredint it's always a shock and hard. Hope all is calm.

@MereDintofPandiculation I am sorry to hear that, I hope that it's someone being overcautious.

@MereDintofPandiculation His carehome team obviously are in step with him which hopefully delivers you a little comfort. From all your posts they sound like they have made the effort to get to know him and are very fond of him. Favourite staff members will change shift to be near I bet. xx

[quote Knotaknitter]@MereDintofPandiculation I am sorry to hear that, I hope that it's someone being overcautious.[/quote]
Ditto.

Sending virtual hugs. I hope your visit goes well.

Indeed, fingers crossed.

Thinking of you mere.

I saw him this morning, he looks about 10 years older than when I saw him 10 days ago (home closed due to Covid since), and he’s no longer weight bearing. But he’s rallied considerably since yesterday when they had difficulty rousing him.

We’re clearly at the beginning of the end but not actually there yet.

Thanks for all your kind comments

So glad you’ve seen him and he’s rallied.@MereDintofPandiculation

Thinking of you Dint, I found Dad's care home were so good at guiding me as to when they felt I needed to be there.
Sending good vibes to all fellow Bad Daughters.