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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 20/11/2021 20:45

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
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whatever45 · 30/12/2021 07:52

No I moved him to a new home a month ago as his needed more nursing care and the original home felt they could no longer manage him.
Yesterday they wanted me to decide if he should go into hospital to be able to have IV antibiotics or if he should stay where he is and try oral meds. Difficult choice to make but I felt I couldn't put him through all the upheaval of going ( and risks of Covid etc). He's warm and peaceful where he is.
Things were very difficult with my mum and when she died I hadn't seen her for quite sometime. I've really tried to do the right thing for my Dad but this final responsibility is hard.

whatever45 · 30/12/2021 07:56

@notaflyingmonkey hope you receive news of your DM today.

Knotaknitter · 30/12/2021 08:40

@whatever45 It is hard. I agreed with the hospital that emergency admission should be the last resort for mum because of the waiting times for an ambulance, the transfer, the upheaval. If the nursing home and GP could provide a less intensive treatment it would be outweighed by the benefits of being with people who knew her.

I was happy that was what she would have chosen for herself given the number of falls she had when she was still at home where we'd discuss it while she was still on the floor and then put the kettle on. She wanted her own bed and no fuss.

@notaflyingmonkey You know rationally that there is no need to feel guilty. There is nothing at all you could have done if you had been here. Your brother can make a phone call just as well as you can, let him have his chance to help. The not knowing is the worst time because reality is rarely as bad as the scenarios we dream up ourselves.

thesandwich · 30/12/2021 10:27

Thinking of you @notaflyingmonkey and @whatever45. So hard not knowing.
Wise words from @Knotaknitter

whatever45 · 30/12/2021 16:58

Thank you, wise words indeed and much appreciated. I think the feelings of guilt are there so much whatever the situation and it's important we try to listen to our 'sensible head' if we can.

countrygirl99 · 30/12/2021 19:24

Dad is in hospital again with possible malnutrition - not that mum ever forgets a meal or thinks they have already eaten when they haven't, oh no. To crown it a he tested positive for covid on arrival.
So that's at least 2 elderly CEV parents of ours who barely leave the house who have picked up covid in the last 10 days. DB is going round tomorrow with an LFT for mum.

Opal8 · 30/12/2021 19:29

Ds1 is feeling rough
So off for pcr for him
No idea where he could have got it from if he's +

Opal8 · 30/12/2021 19:31

@countrygirl99

Dad is in hospital again with possible malnutrition - not that mum ever forgets a meal or thinks they have already eaten when they haven't, oh no. To crown it a he tested positive for covid on arrival. So that's at least 2 elderly CEV parents of ours who barely leave the house who have picked up covid in the last 10 days. DB is going round tomorrow with an LFT for mum.
Sorry to hear that x
countrygirl99 · 30/12/2021 19:49

@opal8 FIL barely had a sniffle, hopefully dad is the same. It's looking g increasingly like mum snd dad both need to go into s home. They clearly aren't eating properly, dad has been skin and bone for a while but with his multitude of issues that isn't surprising but mum has also lost a lot of weight and hasn't even opened the Christmas chocolates yet but insists they have eaten them.

Opal8 · 30/12/2021 19:53

[quote countrygirl99]@opal8 FIL barely had a sniffle, hopefully dad is the same. It's looking g increasingly like mum snd dad both need to go into s home. They clearly aren't eating properly, dad has been skin and bone for a while but with his multitude of issues that isn't surprising but mum has also lost a lot of weight and hasn't even opened the Christmas chocolates yet but insists they have eaten them.[/quote]
It does sound time xxxxxx

notaflyingmonkey · 31/12/2021 05:11

It sounds like DM is doing well following her stroke. But I have no idea of the extent of the damage it has done to her - DB is being allowed to visit tomorrow (patients with dementia are allowed a visit).

My worst case scenario is if hospital discharges her, with further dibilitation, into my care, as they did following her stroke in 2017. I just hope that this time around the decision for her to go into a home is taken out of our hands and we/she are told that she can no longer live 'independently'.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 31/12/2021 08:06

@countrygirl99 Without me really realising it, Dad had lost two stone. Combined effect of regular medication and good food in the nursing home transformed him physically. (Now he’s worried about putting on too much weight, and has put himself on a diet which largely consists of leaving half his main course but accepting every dessert, cake, biscuit that comes his way)

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 31/12/2021 08:37

I knew mum lost a lot of weight when dad was in hospital July/August and hadn't put it back on again butlooser clothes can cover a multiple of sun's can't they and when you see someone regularly gradual weight loss can be missed. It was my brothers DC seeing her at Christmas for the first time in months that raised that alarm. Even the district nurses coming out to change dad's ulcer dressings didn't pick it up. It doesn't help that the new care agency that are meant to be the permanent replacement for the care to assess package are nowhere near as good and reliable.

neveroutoftheChristmaskitchen · 31/12/2021 09:11

@whatever45 I think the feelings of guilt are the worst thing because whatever you do the guilt is there. Guilt about your parents of guilt about your DH our kids where the parents are sucking up your time. We are all doing our best so must try not to feel that guilt.

AfterEightMintyCedric · 31/12/2021 11:06

Hi everyone.

So sorry to read that lots of you are having trials and tribulations with your elderlies...I hope you all have positive news soon.

I have been reading 'An Extra Pair of Hands' by Kate Mosse...the book about caring for elderly parents.

I fully expected it to give me the rage...after all she's a very wealthy woman with a flexible job, supportive husband and multiple siblings...her experience of caring would be a million miles away.

But she's really done her research, and it seems however fortunate people are practically, the emotional impact of caring and the feelings when that time comes to an end are similar...it's very well done.

Not something you might want to read when in the thick of it, but definitely worth it when the time is right.

AfterEightMintyCedric · 31/12/2021 11:08

BTW Mere your dad's approach to diet sound similar to my mum's.

She has gone from type 2 in insulin dependent diabetes over the years.

So she's given up potatoes, pasta and bread...but still snacks constantly on wine gums, mint humbugs & chocolate rice cakes and has an ice cream every night. Oh, and evaporated milk on her cereal in the morning!

Ieatmarmite · 31/12/2021 15:27

@AfterEightMintyCedric Your DM's idea of a diabetic diet sounds similar to my mums - she will refuse fruit because it's full of sugar but thinks nothing of eating two puddings after her dinner and snacking on chocolate and biscuits between meals. My DSis has recently managed to persuade her that the "strange" feeling she had in the morning wasn't due to low suger so she didn't need 2 teaspoons of sugar in her tea and a couple of biscuits to get her glucose level back up again.

AfterEightMintyCedric · 31/12/2021 16:57

Marmite mines catchphrase is 'I must have a sweet...' Hmm

Tbh she seems to do okay with it overall and at her age I'm not going to have a pop about it. She did briefly think about starting smoking again after dad died and I told her I didn't approve of the idea but if she really thought it would help her then I wouldn't nag her either. When she saw how much the cost of fags has gone up since she gave up 15 years ago she soon changed her mind.

What's everyone up to tonight? Was supposed to going out with my best mate but neither of us are feeling it so I'm going to hers for a takeaway and DIY karaoke sesh.

Mum has known about this for a couple of weeks but still had to spend 2 hours peeling her off the ceiling before I left this morning.

I do feel a bit bad that she'll be on her own this evening, but I really need this evening to kick such a crappy year into touch and we did Christmas her way so I don't think IABU.

PermanentTemporary · 31/12/2021 17:06

I'm seeing my bf for a glass of champagne and a meal out. I'm only just recovering from the illness that felled me from Boxing Day onwards. I have to be honest and say that I'm relieved that my mum's home has locked down into quarantine after some cases on her floor. I'm so shattered that the prospect of travelling to see her made me want to cry. Awful for her though.

Happy NY everyone and May those who can be released, and those who can't meet kindness everywhere.

Knotaknitter · 31/12/2021 17:25

Left to myself I'd be in bed at a normal time because it's just a day on the calendar for me. There's no point in doing that as I'd be woken up with the fireworks at midnight.

I have a piece of gammon in the kitchen doing its thing and someone gave me a bottle of wine today so I'll have a normal evening with trashy tv, knitting and a slightly later bedtime. I visited MIL earlier in the week and as she's spent the last 30 years being bah humbug about the festive season I feel no need to be marking it as a special day.

I hope that 2022 is an improvement on 2021 for us all. Onwards and upwards and all that.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 31/12/2021 18:11

I have big plans for tonight and nothing has has happened to changed them.

I have taken two slices of quiche out of the freezer (posh expensive quiche I ordered when the proper foodie family members were supposed to come for Christmas), DH at work and the tv hard drive full of programmes no one but me wants to watch.

My only concern is whether or not I need to wear a dressing gown? Will I be smart enough in just my PJ's?

Wishing all you wonderful people many cockroaches and a better year in 2022.

thesandwich · 31/12/2021 18:44

I’m watching the James Bond film with dd and dh….. early! Chocolate will be consumed…..
Pjs very tempting……
Thank you all you lovely people for your support in 2021. Many cockroaches 🪳 🪳to you all.

notaflyingmonkey · 31/12/2021 18:52

I'm playing backgammon with DS, helped along by a bottle of Armarula.

Happy new year all, thanks for the support that you have given me. I hope that 2022 works out better all round.

Opal8 · 31/12/2021 20:28

Happy new year and love to all 💜

AfterEightMintyCedric · 31/12/2021 20:36

Happy cockroaching new year all!

At BFFs... we're already a bottle of prosecco down and still waiting for out takeaway.