Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome, come and see our new sunroom/conservatory, open just in time for the colder weather, and opens straight off the Bad Daughter’s room.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@freshcarnation what a lovely thing for you to say to your mum. I hope she continues to remain peaceful and comfortable.

@GiveMeStrengthLol I know exactly how you feel about being broken. I think all of us do.

@neveroutoftheChristmaskitchen My mum has been in a home for two months and still hates it. She is firmly of the opinion that she could come home and we would "muddle through" but as she is completely immobile, requires two carers and a hoist to move her from the armchair to the wheelchair and is incontinent it ain't going to happen.

@Words I am taking every opportunity to visit mum right now in case they bring in more restrictions.

At the beginning of last week we had to socially distance with a Perspex screen between us. Yesterday we were in the dining room with another family, able to hug and hold hands and DS was allowed to take his mask off his face to take a photo!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you.

Did anyone here R4's You and Yours earlier? Absolutely jaw dropping case of a forged LPA.

Woman was away from home caring for dying mother. Fraudster appears to have applied to the LA under FOI for a list of empty properties - and was given it.

Then fills in thé LPA form, in the name of a fictitious sister of the victim, witnessed by made up names at real addresses. This forgery was then registered by the Court of Protection with no further check.

The fraudsters then go to a firm of solicitors in another part of the country, using this document to attempt to sell the woman's empty home, where the locks have been changed. First the owner knows of it is a strange email from the owner of the freehold about a seller's info pack.

Fortunately the conveyancing lawyer smells a rat and refuses to proceed.

Confronted with all this, the C of P recommend, in two separate conversations, that the quickest way of sorting this is for the victim to confirm the original Power was bona fide, and request to have it withdrawn.

The victim does not follow this 'advice' and the Power is cancelled online- BUT the original certified and stamped copy is still out there, ( unsurprisingly, the fraudsters have not complied with a written request to return the original ) so same stunt could in theory be pulled again.

Nightmare scenario. Doubtless this victim will have put as many checks as possible in place with the institutions she deals with, but it seems the whole system is in need of root and branch reform.

I do recall various conversations with the C of P which didn't fill me with confidence - and I recall at the time how straightforward a process it was to have such a powerful document activated.

Omg @words I'll have a listen. Maybe I should stop moaning about how hard it us to get information on my mum's accounts using the LPA - it's like blood out of a stone but maybe that's a good thing!

That's scary!

If you don't have time to listen to the programme, this article covers the same case: www.theguardian.com/money/2021/dec/26/fraudsters-are-using-power-of-attorney-rules-to-steal-peoples-homes

God that's awful.

I can't say as I'm that surprised about the lack of checks though.

When I left my XH I had to register Matrimoinal Homes Rights as family home was only in his name. When it came to be sold I called the Land Reg to let them know it was okay to proceed and they'd already done so!

@AfterEightMintyCedric

God that's awful.

I can't say as I'm that surprised about the lack of checks though.

When I left my XH I had to register Matrimoinal Homes Rights as family home was only in his name. When it came to be sold I called the Land Reg to let them know it was okay to proceed and they'd already done so!

Same thing happened to my sister @mintycedric

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/dec/27/look-after-mum-crucial-independence

I don't know why I persist in reading these sorts of articles - they never reflect the reality for people like me, probably because the relentless slog wouldn't make good copy. And the Guardian's reality invariable is we threw a shed load of money at the situation, and so everyone is happy.

thank you for all the lovely messages of support - crisis over - until the next time.

Yes notaflyingmonkey. It might be nice if they at least acknowledged the money involved.

I'd also appreciate a little more about the personal care side. Though I'd get why it wouldn't be appropriate to out his mother as doubly incontinent, or at risk of bedsores. I think the reference to 'skillset' might be a delicate allusion to that. But if you didn't know, you could think that 24 hour care involves sitting on the sofa chatting and knocking up a few meals.

Can I move in, please? You'd better keep me locked up in the BD Room, mind.

Mum's 82. Widowed 35 years and never stopped grieving (though from the little I know it was an abusive marriage). Had TIAs last year, heart op start of this year which seems to have triggered dementia, and she's rapidly gone downhill. Now in a care home she hates, hundreds of miles from me (bit near family and friends).

We used to be close (too close, fairly enmeshed) but for the last 25 years she's pandered to my sister (aka the Bitch, B) who has never forgiven me for being born and ending her 10 years as an only child. B has narc tendencies, and will tantrum at the slightest chance, so I can see why mu mother has given in so often. However, many, many times it's been to my detriment, and mum's never acknowledged that. The few times I've cried about it in front of her she's either told me off for upsetting her, or told me I'm not really upset.

For years I thought that one day I'd be treated as an equal, but when my week of showing off my dd (at 5 months') between lockdowns last year was dominated and dictated by B, with my mother not thinking anything of it, I realised that would never happen.

And now my mum has no memory of any of it and thinks I'm making it all up and should be friends with B. The fact she's been scared of B for 25 years is yesterday's news. Add to that she believes my achievements (child, PhD) are also B's (heaven forbid I have anything B doesn't!) I'm being totally pushed to the side.

I'm supposed to be sympathetic to her in tears on the phone and forget the last 25 years of pain. It's too hard.

Easier said than done, I know Time, but why bother? It doesn't sound like your DM is going to change any time soon and see you for the person you are, and recognise your accomplishments, etc. If I do anything good, my golden brother gets the credit, so I just go through the motions with her, and just do the stuff I have to. It annoys her that I don't confide anything in her, or share stuff about my kids, but it's a situation of her making AFAIC.

Welcome @TimeIhadaSeasonalNameChange

I'm inclined to agree with nota...you're miles away, your mum has dementia and sadly you will probably never get the recognition you need and deserve so time to step back and look after yourself.

I sometimes find my mum much easier to deal with if I think of her as a random old lady rather than my mum iykwim. It's horrible when I think about it in abstract but sometimes it's the coping mechanism I need.

We came home lunchtime on Boxing Day...honestly the amount of stuff I had to take to and from because she wouldn't come here for Christmas Day was insane. About 6 bags for life of food, drink and kitchen equipment.

Her kitchen is lovely to cook in as much more workspace than mine, but because she doesn't cook the equipment is less than ideal...terrible saucepans, no decent large knives, melamine chopping board the size of a postage stamp, veg peelerthat predates me by about a decade .

Anyway...restful time at home punctuated by mums need to get her flat battery sorted, followed by her immersion heater failing on Boxing Day evening so no hot water. Taking her out today to sort the former and she has someone round to assess the latter this morning although probably won't be fixed until next week.

Then last night had a message from my estranged cousin to let me know his mum passed away yesterday and could I tell my mum (her cousin).

So looks like I'm in for a cracking day...

I think the longing for acknowledgment from a parent is so deep rooted it takes repeated incidents, from the petty to the absolutely outrageous, and over and over, plus therapy ( in my case) to finally dislodge. And even then...

It's telling that only now my mother is clearly senile, can I let go of it all.

And yet...there is still a void there, for what should have been.

Took mum to shops at her request earlier.
Invited mum up for lunch (turkey rolls)
Thought she might want to see my dc, get out of the flat for a bit.
"I'm not hungry"
OK 🤷‍♀️

My mum has always been a rude and aggressive woman. Dementia has increased this 100% although she has good cognitive skills.

Yesterday I realised I now need to keep the DC away from her for their well being. She has started taking her aggression out on the DC and the professional carers and not just me.

So it sounds like DM may have had a stroke. Meals on Wheels called an ambulance this morning when the delivery driver wasn't happy with her responses when they took her lunch.

I am, of course, on holiday abroad. DB has driven up to the hospital, but because of Covid, he wasn't allowed in. I could probably get on an early flight tomorrow, but not without a PCR test which there isn't time to do. So am just waiting for information.

@Words

I think the longing for acknowledgment from a parent is so deep rooted it takes repeated incidents, from the petty to the absolutely outrageous, and over and over, plus therapy ( in my case) to finally dislodge. And even then...

It's telling that only now my mother is clearly senile, can I let go of it all.

And yet...there is still a void there, for what should have been.

I think it's a primal thing, that need to be loved and acknowledged.

It's almost a grief, particularly if you compare yourself to other families and realise it's all been a little bit shit in comparison.

Try not to, obv, but sometimes...

@notaflyingmonkey

So it sounds like DM may have had a stroke. Meals on Wheels called an ambulance this morning when the delivery driver wasn't happy with her responses when they took her lunch.

I am, of course, on holiday abroad. DB has driven up to the hospital, but because of Covid, he wasn't allowed in. I could probably get on an early flight tomorrow, but not without a PCR test which there isn't time to do. So am just waiting for information.

When dad last had a long stint in hospital the paramedics thought dad had hac a stroke but it was delirium caused by a utility do fingers crossed.

I'm really sorry @notaflyingmonkey but what could you actually do if you could magically get to the hospital? She's safe, being looked after and the investigations will take the same time whether you are in the country or out of it. Let DB catch this one. So much for a relaxing holiday though.

My knowledge of two hospitals is that there is no visiting when they are first admitted because they go onto an emergency medical ward. It's not until they've been assessed and move to the relevant specialist ward that the normal hospital visiting rules start to apply. .

Have you come across "TIA" yet? If not it's something to listen out for, it's a mini stroke but the effects wear off really quickly.

In my minor news MIL's care home now let you do your own tests, knocking twenty minutes off the non-contact time of my visit. No longer do I have to sit and freeze in the car whilst being grateful that I have a car to sit and freeze in.

So sorry to hear @notaflyingmonkey. But think carefully- what can you do here? Sending very best wishes🌺🌺🌺

Thanks for the support. The hospital phoned me (I'm next of kin) and confirmed it was a stroke. She was moved to a ward early hours, but DB says the phone rings out so he will try again in the morning.

She'd had a fall a couple of weeks ago, so I guess that was a precursor, but of course these things can also 'just' be a fall.

I know that there is nothing I could do if in the UK - our hospital doesn't allow visiting currently, but I feel guilty for being on holiday.

Morning all, not been to the cafe for a long time but lovely to be able to pop back in. Would appreciate a little company as I wait for news on my Dad as he's developed sepsis and doesn't seem to have very long. My 'lovely' DB who has had nothing to do with Dad since my very difficult Mum passed away appears to be unable to visit. Not easy when he has POA .

Is your DF in hospital Whatever?