Physically able mum 83 wants to be 'looked after'

[Anonymum40]

My mum has lived in a sheltered flat 5 mins from me and my family for about 6 months. Before that she was in the family home since my dad died in may 2019.

We have her over every Sunday and I pop in occasionally in the week. My sister lives further away but also sees her at least once a week.

Last week she had a fall which put her in hospital. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but then she cried when they said she could go home. She told them there was no one to look after her. She literally wants someone to put 3 meals a day in front of her. And she needs constant company. Really she wants my dad back but obviously that's impossible. Besides he used to say she was often bored and gloomy anyway.

She is quite difficult and narcissistic. I am having trouble with establishing my boundaries cos right now I'm ' on duty' at her flat and feeling resentful....

I find it strange too Stir dh and I are planning for old age now (mid 40s) It is like the families involved have never had a conversation about what their wishes are for older age. Or do you think some parents just expect full time care in their home from their children as they age? And it is a difficult conversation to have?
My grandmother was like this, she expected to stay at home and be cared for, it was an expectation and if you like a sense of entitlement. The strain it caused was substantial though, but she seemed to look past that.

She lives in a lovely flat with nearly 30 other widowed ladies. There is a communal room and gardens. She's near lovely shops and a community centre with tons of U3A activities.
Unfortunately, she can't turn back time and it sounds as though her personality may not make her the most popular choice for the other residents. Once she's fully recovered and back home, I'd suggest you and your sister sit down with her and talk options. Others are right, a care home isn't for her but some sort of regular (paid) visitor might brighten her days? Talk about meals and buying them in but preparing some will fill her time. Seeing her twice a week is enough for you so I wouldn't commit to more long term. If she's up to talking about it, you could also discuss with her what might happen in the future when she will need more support - get all the difficult conversations over in one hit! Good luck.

Don't under estimate the impact of a fall. And a hospital stay. I'd say you'll support her exploring getting g some home help. Maybe start ordering Wiltshire Farm Foods or the like.
But you're right to say you yourself already give enough support. So resist giving more for now.

I was thinking that the amount of money that providing a paid visitor would cost that could be an issue.

Even if it was a tenner a day, times 39 or 31 days in a month that obviously equals £300 or £310 a month. Over three and a half grand a year to be found by whomever is paying for it.

That’s a lot of money. Especially if the person was also having to pay carehome fees.

39 days is obv a typo, 30 days lol!

Its really difficult isnt it? DF at nearly 90 is in a care home (£6.5K per month in London). He is safe but compared to his old life its just existing until the grim repear calls (sorry, he feels like this....).

My DM lives on her own and is getting more and more needy. I am thinking of carers in a couple of times a week would help. We pat ourselves on the back dont we as though we are proud of medical advances keeping people alive when really 30 years ago they would have passed.

When DM had a fall a few years ago the ward was literally full of people who had fallen. One women had done it twice. It was awful. People crying out, wandering around, old men in the next bay coming in and making a nuisance of themselves. One came in with no clothes on and another started pulling down his incontience pads to show everyone. I asked if Mum could be moved to the general ward rather than the dementia ward and was told this was the general ward...

A friend says her parents (early 80's) are becoming very demanding, calling all the time. She is still working and when she says she is busy at work they demand to know who to call if not her.

I dont know honestly what the answer is. I do know that I dont want to end up like this.

@Stircraazy

Why haven't people thought about their old age. Surely elderly married couples don't expect that they will both pass away quietly in their sleep on the same night. What happened to your DM's parents in old age - did they move in with her? Did they die young so she has never had to think about this.

They don’t think about it because the idea of losing your loved one is too bed to contemplate, as is the idea of them being left alone.

It’s hard to think of a worse fate than living for years alone in a single room, no autonomy, deprived of all sorts of things “to keep you safe”.

Hard too to realise that the children you have loved and cherished regard you as a problem, and time spent with you as a penance.

I don’t think the head in sand approach is at all surprising.

Unfortunately there are some people who define themselves as part of a couple and they will never be happy single. Some women of that generation (and younger) enjoy being “looked after” by a man and when they aren’t they struggle to cope.
Nothing OP and her sister do will replace that

Hopping. You have made a good point re women to like to be looked after. Hopefully they are becoming less and less. I cannot think of anything worse than relying on someone. These women want a man to look after them and then of course their children need to take on the role if the man passes.

My SIL's MIL moved closer to them just for for this reason. No discussion - were just told they were buying a house very very near them.. FIL then died a few years later and MIL who had never worked and relied on FIL is now calling round and ringing every day over little things.

I do agree though that times were different in my parents generation. A lot of women worked for pin money, and in very lowly paid roles. Now they are needing care. I dont know what the answer is but putting the burden on the young is not right. Plenty of rich pensioners around here. Thinking maybe income tax is the way.

If this NI increase goes ahead they will be quids in especially with £1 million houses. Give them the Triple Lock and bingo.

Hopping. You have made a good point re women to like to be looked after. Hopefully they are becoming less and less. I cannot think of anything worse than relying on someone. These women want a man to look after them and then of course their children need to take on the role if the man passes

This isn’t strictly true. My mum was fiercely independent, never wanted her children to look after her and had been a widow for 35 years when she died.

When she hit her 80’s, she suddenly wanted to be looked after. I think it is due to increasing and fear that this happens, it’s not always about being looked after by a man. Old people become like children, and children need looking after.

I think it is an old age thing rather than a feminist thing.

Increasing frailty!

Some women of that generation (and younger) enjoy being “looked after” by a man and when they aren’t they struggle to cope. I think most people, male or female, want some sort of "looking after" - someone bringing them a cup of tea if they are feeling down, someone to share a worry with, someone who'll say "why don't you have a paracetamol for that headache". I don't see there's anything wrong with the need, and it's well documented that life expectancy is increased if you're living together "that mole on your back looks dodgy, and a lot bigger than it was - I think you should get the GP to check it".

But you can't demand that someone else cares for you. You can buy a facsimile of caring, but the care you gave to your children wasn't a payment in advance for care in your old age.

Arse is right that the need increases as you get older, your own capability decreases, and the world becomes a more difficult place to negotiate.

I cannot think of anything worse than relying on someone. For me, no-one caring about me would run a close second.

Plenty of rich pensioners around here. There's also plenty of poor pensioners. That's not a justification for a totally unfair system. If this NI increase goes ahead they will be quids in especially with £1 million houses NI isn't the right way to do it, but £1m houses is a SE thing. Round where I am, house prices are much lower (new detached 4 beds for £305k) a so basing a system on the idea that every pensioner was sitting on £1m equity wouldn't work.

Give them the Triple Lock and bingo. If you are in a £1m house, your occupational or self funded pension will be large enough that the size of the increase in state pension won't have a great deal of effect on you. The people that the triple lock helps are people those living entirely on the state pension, or with an occupational pension of around £5k a year, many of whom will still be paying rent, I'm not too convinced by the guaranteed 2.5%, and the earnings link needs to be reconsidered for this year only, because the whopping "increase" in average earnings is mainly the result of the lowest earners being removed temporarily from the labour market. We've tried linking pensions just to earnings or just to inflation, but it didn't work, and we had pensioners dying from hypothermia every winter - that's why the fuel allowance was first brought in.

Several years ago we seriously considered buying a big house, converting it into separate sections and living there with both sets of parents, plus an additional apartment for a full time live in carer when needed. (Big houses near us were surprisingly cheap back then). But no one else was very enthusiastic so it never happened. I'm quite glad now, if we look at how things actually panned out I don't think it would have solved any problems in the way we thought.

We have my dad left, who is lovely, independent and no trouble, and MIL who has also been pretty good until recently when problems have started to appear..

If we had had my DM and FIL left that would have been a total nightmare. I don't think either of them would have coped with widowhood as well as DDad and MIL have.

@TonTonMacoute

Oh lord we nearly did the same. Hindsight made us think thank god we ever did actually go that route.

I get it!

My Mum is the same. In her ideal world, she would live with us and be looked after. She thinks that being with me 24/7 would be the solution. It really wouldn't though as we've never really got on that well.

It's so so hard but you do have to develop a thick skin. I have suggested a multitude of things for my Mum over the last ten years but she's just not interested. I don't bother now. I just um and ah and throw it back to her by asking what she's going to do or what she thinks she should do.

I do help her and I do support her but it's on my terms. It's nowhere near as much as she would like but what she would like would be suffocating and all encompassing and I can't give her that.

It is hard and you have to be careful what you share with other people as they will really judge you. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to understand if you have a decent relationship with a mother who gets on with things and isn't desperately needy!

Tbh if you do everything for her and she sits back doing nothing that will be detrimental to her well being. Physically and mentally. Get her to do what she can and help out with what you and your sister are prepared to do. Maybe hiring carers would be the way to go. What was the reason for the fall. Was it mechanical that is tripped over something. Is her balance not good or was it medical ie taking a dizzy spell. Though the hospital will have investigated this. Maybe she needs to attend a falls clinic to help prevent this happening again.
Also an adult day centre would be a good idea getting her out of the house and socialising though not easy with covid. My DM was widowed a number of years ago and an adult day centre was great for her.

An update, for anyone interested...Earlier this week I took DM to the doctor and got her referred to a Falls Clinic, a 'Social Prescriber' and put on anti-depressants. This was in addition to heart clinic and thyroid checks, all at hospital. I asked my sister if she'd help me convey her to some of these appointments as DM doesn't drive. She hasn't replied since. (Reminder sister lives 40 mins away, has own business and no kids).

I found myself feeling so low that whilst in the garage the other day I found myself contemplating the sturdiness and height of the rafters as I stood on a stepladder..... this really scared me and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, anyway DM is now staying in a super-expensive care home on 'respite care'. I summoned the strength to call her tonight. Her knee is better but she's now 'bored'. She's always bored, I'm so fed up with hearing it. She needs to realise it needs to come from her, no one can entertain her 24/7. She also had hoped I would visit her today! After saying she wanted looking after, now she is and still wants entertaining! I'm so over it. I said I'd see her Saturday. Wish I hadn't...

Apologies, have had a couple of wines. At wits end...

I mean this in the kindest way possible.
You really need time for yourself. Don’t go this weekend, there is a ‘bug’ going around, even if you don’t want to use that excuse, you can have something else you really do need to ‘see too’.
Respite care is meant for you to have a proper break. Don’t call and don’t visit. Trust the staff to be able to do whatever your mum needs. Also she may actually learn that there is more to her world than solely you. (🎂 as I’ve just bought some)

Thanks Bargebill19
I think you might be right... I'm gonna get slated now for abandoning my mum now, but she needs to remember this experience. Where she lives in her sheltered flat is the right place for her. She spends Sundays with us and gets taken wherever she needs to go but she needs to start finding her own interests or else suffer boredom. No fancy care home can provide what she's after. Oh, and we're sorting a carer (even though she is able to cook her own meals). Gawd knows what she'll do with the time she saves...

I was also going to suggest you 'catch' Covid and have to self isolate.

I think it would be a good idea to step away for a little while and focus on yourself. Maybe make a plan for how you will deal with things going forward.

My Mum is exactly the same. She's also on anti-depressants and has seen the social prescriber. Nothing came of that other than one coffee morning and my Mum said the social prescriber was useless. Lots and lots of ailments and GP/hospital visits. When she has a new ailment she conveniently forgets the previous ones though.

Weirdly my Mum was never ever ill when we were growing up. In fact, no one was allowed to be ill. You certainly weren't allowed to lie in bed and had to be up and dressed.

Haha flowersmakeitbetter my DM is exactly like this! Yes my mum has always been super sturdy too and we were never allowed to be ill either.

I would 'catch Covid' but we only just had it in July so that won't work!

@Anonymum40

An update, for anyone interested...Earlier this week I took DM to the doctor and got her referred to a Falls Clinic, a 'Social Prescriber' and put on anti-depressants. This was in addition to heart clinic and thyroid checks, all at hospital. I asked my sister if she'd help me convey her to some of these appointments as DM doesn't drive. She hasn't replied since. (Reminder sister lives 40 mins away, has own business and no kids).

I found myself feeling so low that whilst in the garage the other day I found myself contemplating the sturdiness and height of the rafters as I stood on a stepladder..... this really scared me and I can't stop thinking about it.

So, anyway DM is now staying in a super-expensive care home on 'respite care'. I summoned the strength to call her tonight. Her knee is better but she's now 'bored'. She's always bored, I'm so fed up with hearing it. She needs to realise it needs to come from her, no one can entertain her 24/7. She also had hoped I would visit her today! After saying she wanted looking after, now she is and still wants entertaining! I'm so over it. I said I'd see her Saturday. Wish I hadn't...

Apologies, have had a couple of wines. At wits end...

There will be system for those who need help to attend appointments. The hospital letters will have a phone number to ring.

@Anonymum40 come and join us in the Cockroach Cafe. No judging going on in there, just a bunch of us who get it..unlike some people who clearly have no idea what it is like! Sending good wishes

I think we have the same Mum! My Mum is always bored too. I've also had years of harsh comments too. The annoying thing is she can turn on the sweet little old lady act when she needs to.

I sound horrid when it's all written down but it really does drive you to distraction.

I have asked my Mum what she thinks will make her happy but she has no idea. I think moaning about it all makes her happy.

I can understand her fear. A fall like that is often the beginning of the end for elderly people. A neighbour only lasted a few months. MIL 6 weeks. Even if she got the all clear and even if her MO is pain in the arse, she's going to be scared.

Does she have anything like care connect? Maybe explore food deliveries with her. No need for expensive wiltshire farm if she can have an ocado or waitrose delivery.