Physically able mum 83 wants to be 'looked after'

[Anonymum40]

My mum has lived in a sheltered flat 5 mins from me and my family for about 6 months. Before that she was in the family home since my dad died in may 2019.

We have her over every Sunday and I pop in occasionally in the week. My sister lives further away but also sees her at least once a week.

Last week she had a fall which put her in hospital. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but then she cried when they said she could go home. She told them there was no one to look after her. She literally wants someone to put 3 meals a day in front of her. And she needs constant company. Really she wants my dad back but obviously that's impossible. Besides he used to say she was often bored and gloomy anyway.

She is quite difficult and narcissistic. I am having trouble with establishing my boundaries cos right now I'm ' on duty' at her flat and feeling resentful....

Gosh, so many replies!

Some people get it, others don't. I have done everything I can for my mum for the 2.5 years since dad died. She lives in a lovely flat with nearly 30 other widowed ladies. There is a communal room and gardens. She's near lovely shops and a community centre with tons of U3A activities.

But she just wants to turn back time and have a man to look after. It was her life's work. She's not interested in looking after herself, has no hobbies, doesn't watch tv, can't entertain herself. It's pitiful really. Besides which as I said she's very narcissistic, isn't always very nice to people and seems to think she's superior to everyone which makes socialising hard!

She'd be just as bored and probably more miserable in a care home. It has to come from her....

Incidentally I have booked an appointment with the docs to get her some antidepressants.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Branleuse but that is what sheltered housing is like really[/quote]
is it? I thought it was more like they all have their own flats but with a warden.

That is so sad @Anonymum40.

My DM moved into retirement flat after DF died. She was worried at first if she would like it but has thrived. Obviously lockdown has made it hard (but would have been harder where she previously lived 2 hour drive from us, rather than 10 minute walk) but activities are running again. Lounge now open to residents, was closed off for a while.

DM didn’t want to be dependent on us so has made an effort to make friends and gets much enjoyment from chatting/gossiping with like minded ladies. It’s not always perfect but she is very happy in her home

@Branleuse they do have their own flats but there are communal areas like the lounge/garden. Some residents spend more time in the communal lounge than they do in their own flats during the day. And it’s not like the lounges you see in care homes.

Many social activities seem to involve copious alcohol. It’s a bit like student accommodation!

When I am 83 and I'm lying in hospital in pain following "a fall" (and those of us with elderly relatives know that "a fall" usually is part of the process of decline), and I'm tired and scared of falling again, and don't believe I can manage at home and I'm telling this to the OT or discharge nurse, I really hope nobody tells me to brace up and go home and join the U3A.

The woman may be a total weapon, but I don't think this should be used to dismiss her genuine vulnerability as an 83 year old who is starting to have falls. Obnoxious people need formalised elderly care too. Maybe they need it more, because their families may never be able to meet their needs.

OP does she have the funds to buy in help? And would she agree to do so? If so there should be no problem finding someone to prepare her meals, do her shopping, and provide some daily companionship.

Your role could be to source that help, rather than to provide it yourself. That's what I did for my mother and it worked out well.

My friend’s mum used to eat Mars Bars all day when she was old and alone. Cooking for one is never very appealing. Can you get Meals on Wheels?

@Branleuse

poor old girl. I think some of these lonely old people should start mini communes with their own friends with a carer or two.

It’s my plan! Two of my friends have already booked their rooms in our house.

@Anonymum40

Gosh, so many replies!

Some people get it, others don't. I have done everything I can for my mum for the 2.5 years since dad died. She lives in a lovely flat with nearly 30 other widowed ladies. There is a communal room and gardens. She's near lovely shops and a community centre with tons of U3A activities.

But she just wants to turn back time and have a man to look after. It was her life's work. She's not interested in looking after herself, has no hobbies, doesn't watch tv, can't entertain herself. It's pitiful really. Besides which as I said she's very narcissistic, isn't always very nice to people and seems to think she's superior to everyone which makes socialising hard!

She'd be just as bored and probably more miserable in a care home. It has to come from her....

Incidentally I have booked an appointment with the docs to get her some antidepressants.

Sounds like you are doing everything you can

I’ve often said to DH I thought it was sad my MILs sister had passed away as they could have lived together. But he said that wouldn’t work. She wanted a man to do useful jobs for her, she wanted her husband back, even though ironically they weren’t particularly happy. So much of what you say rings true.

I would look into nursing homes, where she ll have people around her and food/tea provided.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Honestly, regardless of her personality, she is an 83 year old woman who is recently widowed and in hospital recovering from an injury. If she feels she can't cope on her own anymore I would listen to that.

It doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for all her needs, but it is time to start looking at nursing homes and discussing this with her so she can understand her options clearly.

This totally. Mental health is not the same as physical health. Poor bloody woman - loneliness is awful.

The key is does she have the means to afford care that she wants, but doesn't strictly need?

@Beautiful3 a nursing home are for people who need nursing, she doesn't sound like that, and they also run into thousands of pounds a month. Don't want to go down that route until you really need it.

Setting boundaries is definately the way forward and will probably save your sainty.

I've learnt with my mum that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. So now I do what I can and don't run myself crazy trying to please the impossible person. My mental health, my own family and my sainty has been saved.

Good luck.

I would speak to the Dr about antidepressants, but don’t be surprised if he advisors against them. My mum at 90 lives alone in a first floor flat has carers 3 times a day but is very anxious frustrated and depressed. The Dr won’t give her antidepressants as he says the side effects can outdo the positives and should be used with caution in the elderly.
Trouble is he didn’t offer any other help either. It’s good that your mum wants to be looked after in a way, just not by you hopefully !
She would need to be assessed by social services first, you can request that online without seeing your Gp. They would advise the best way forward. Good luck it’s very difficult.

Does she want to live with you or one of your siblings OP?

Would any of you be willing and/or able to facilitate that?

I think all you can do is maintain your boundaries around what you are and aren’t willing to do with/for her.
Stick to providing what you are able/willing to provide. Anything beyond this she will need to arrange herself. If she’s bored she’ll have to find something to fill her time. If she needs care she will have to work alongside you/social care to have that organised.

You can’t changer her at this age. She not going to suddenly get hobbies and be more sociable or independent. All you can do is maintain your own boaudaries to keep yourself well, while providing what support you feel you can to her.

@ZednotZee the OP says her DM is difficult and narcissistic, that's not going to make a very happy home

@ZednotZee

Does she want to live with you or one of your siblings OP?

Would any of you be willing and/or able to facilitate that?

Why would you suggest that?

This is the OP's description of her mother: 'She's not interested in looking after herself, has no hobbies, doesn't watch tv, can't entertain herself. It's pitiful really. Besides which as I said she's very narcissistic, isn't always very nice to people and seems to think she's superior to everyone which makes socialising hard!'

I'm sure the OP's mum would love to live with her and be waited on hand and foot. But that doesn't sound like a good thing for the OP does it?

@ZednotZee

Does she want to live with you or one of your siblings OP?

Would any of you be willing and/or able to facilitate that?

Reading between the lines I don’t think the op is wanting to be providing more support to her mum.

What is it that she'd like?
If she moved in to a care home she would be surrounded by company. But it may not be the sort of company she is after. But they do have classes and entertainment in good ones.

And could she afford a residential care home?

Perhaps going to a day centre might work better.

But it is also her responsibility to make sure she isn't bored, within reason. It's not your job to be the entertainment or full time support.

I did say opera's another sibling who may have a better relationship/view of their mother.

She's eighty three, evidently physically vulnerable and widowed. I don't think its a ridiculous suggestion that one of her DC take responsibility for her if they are at all able and/or willing to of course.

If OP has another sibling

Bloody autocorrect

OP this sounds a little like my DM. She's a bit younger and her health is still fine, she drives, she has lots of friends and a better social life than me, but since her DH died a few years ago she often mentions wanting to be 'looked after'. We also have a bit of a strained relationship for historic reasons, but even given that and that she has a great life where she is, she would like nothing better than to move in with me and DH, so that I can 'look after' her. She does most things for herself and is very able but if she could give it all up tomorrow and have me to do it all for her she would, she's made that very clear. My boundaries are pretty tight for obvious reasons!

I think for some people when they hit a certain age they feel that they shouldn't have to do stuff for themselves any more and are owed something by their children in this regard. Particularly where someone is widowed after a long marriage they often want their adult children to step in and fill that emotional void that their spouse has left, friends and activities just don't cut it, and there isn't always the recognition that that isn't what the child may want or feel capable of giving.