Physically able mum 83 wants to be 'looked after'

[Anonymum40]

My mum has lived in a sheltered flat 5 mins from me and my family for about 6 months. Before that she was in the family home since my dad died in may 2019.

We have her over every Sunday and I pop in occasionally in the week. My sister lives further away but also sees her at least once a week.

Last week she had a fall which put her in hospital. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but then she cried when they said she could go home. She told them there was no one to look after her. She literally wants someone to put 3 meals a day in front of her. And she needs constant company. Really she wants my dad back but obviously that's impossible. Besides he used to say she was often bored and gloomy anyway.

She is quite difficult and narcissistic. I am having trouble with establishing my boundaries cos right now I'm ' on duty' at her flat and feeling resentful....

It's hard not to feel some sympathy if she has lost some confidence.

If it's really as simple as wanting meals provided would you & your sister be able to do that?

I have a feeling it's not that simple though!

Christ this sounds like my mums heading for

My mum isn't 70 yet but has always been needy and slightly narc which is coming out more with age.

She was shocked when over a conversation with me and ds one day my dad said she'd look after mum at her home if anything g happened to dad and I butted in and said absolutely not.

She can stay in her own home as long as possible and have caters for personal care and meals on wheels if she can't cook for herself.

I watched my parents and aunts ran riot for three years for my grandparents who couldn't do a thing for themselves but refused any help other than their children and it was hell and stressful so I won't be out in that position.

I know there will be the mn folk here who will pearl clutch at us daughters not taking on the caring role for our parents with the reasoning that they brought us up and cared for us however they chose to have children.

I would never expect my children to wipe my ass or care for my needs.

They aren't there for that

@BrilliantBetty I'm assuming where she lives now has entertainment/classes/activities, but she obviously isn't accessing it. So she probably wouldn't in a care or nursing home, so it would seem a huge waste of money to go somewhere like that, for her just to sit in her room. She would probably have more people coming into her room but it wouldn't be constant company.

@Branleuse

poor old girl. I think some of these lonely old people should start mini communes with their own friends with a carer or two.

Have discussed this with a friend, funnily enough. She has no family, and I want to take responsibility early enough that the burden doesn't fall to my children to organise care for me. I feel you OP. I second doing what you're willing and able to do, and outsourcing the rest. A fall and a stay in hospital would shake anyone up for a few days I would think. Perhaps a bit of extra support until she's had a chance to get a bit of confidence back, with an eye to future care if it becomes necessary. Perhaps time to have a chat with sister, and then approach your mother to discuss how mum and to two of you want to proceed. Best of luck.

I have sympathy with old people feeling vulnerable and lonely. But it is not their children's responsibility to house them so they feel better at a terrible cost to their own mental health and well-being.

I'm another one who watched my parents run absolutely ragged by my gran who refused any other care. It's spiteful and unkind behaviour frankly.

A care home is also a bit drastic for someone who just needs company, especially if she is not doing anything now for company. Surely she would just stay in her room in a care home

My mum’s in a care home.
Own room, but they have two optional activity sessions a day, garden walks, they seem to celebrate and decorate the lounge for something at least once a month, visiting musicians, singers, and a magician....hairdressing and nails...
This is a not for profit home, with a number of paid for by the state residents, not some posh BUPA fest.

@NovemberWitch pre COVID and now starting again, DM's retirement flats have activities like this. Again optional. There are also many activities available in the local area in walking distance.

So I assume the OP's DM has access to similar, but she is choosing to stay in her room. Can't see her being any different in a care home.

There are some people in DM's flats who would do better in a care room now, as they don't have the mobility to join in with the activities available and are sort of prisoners in their own home. In a care home they would have carers to help them facilitate meeting people, but I assume the OP's DM would still stay in her room.

It might be an option to see if they could find somewhere where she could have respite for a few days and see how she gets on, but if she ends up staying in her room there, it wouldn't be worth moving.

@Clymene

Of course its not a responsibility. Its a choice.

I was simply asking if OP or a sibling could in any way choose to have her live with them.
I didn't advocate for them to 'wait on her hand and foot' just to provide some company and reassurances to her if they felt at all able to do so.

I really didn't think it was such a ridiculous suggestion.

[quote ZednotZee]@Clymene

Of course its not a responsibility. Its a choice.

I was simply asking if OP or a sibling could in any way choose to have her live with them.
I didn't advocate for them to 'wait on her hand and foot' just to provide some company and reassurances to her if they felt at all able to do so.

I really didn't think it was such a ridiculous suggestion.[/quote]
But the OP has made it perfectly clear that her mother is a difficult and demanding person. Why would you suggest someone houses a difficult and demanding person?

@Beautiful3

I would look into nursing homes, where she ll have people around her and food/tea provided.

Hopefully she’ll also have the £50k pa to pay for it. At 83 she could live another 15 years - that’s £750k.

Don't care home residents usually pay according to their "need"?

So if Op's mum is fairly mobile & able to wash/dress herself, then her fees might be relatively low.

She would only have one room of her own though which might not be good for her.

The average cost of living in a care home is £700pw, that's a lot of money, when OP's DM could simply go into the communal lounge in her accommodation and meet people.

She's booked into a bupa care home next week for her 'recovery' and to be fully 'looked after'. It's £220 per DAY! She has funds, they're not endless though. We're looking into getting her more care at home. Living with me or my sis is not an option. I know everyone has different relationships with their mothers. I love mine but she's never been the easiest. Never bought birthday presents, never offered babysitting for my kids, never offers anything, is often harsh in commenting on weight/ appearance/ housekeeping etc. That's the narc traits I mentioned. She ain't cuddly...

The problem imv is that the elderly person wants their younger, fitter, funner life back.
Probably OP could wait on her hand and foot, spend her spare time taking her out and about but still the DM could still be unhappy, having regrets, not getting enough from life.
It's sad getting old but can't be avoided the other option's not great

When Grandma was happy to sit in the corner by the fire and knit, having her move in wasn't such a bad idea. Unfortunately that is not anyone's idea of a happy life nowadays.

The OP has said her mother is physically healthy so unless there is some unrevealed illness she doesn't need a nursing home. She could consider a residential home (different thing) but as others have said it would cost a fortune. If she just wants company and to be waited on during the day, a carer/companion a few hours a day would be a lot less expensive. That's assuming she has the money and is prepared to pay for any of this.

My DM was very cautious with money, as she had been all her life, so saying 'just get a taxi' was seen by her as an appalling waste of money.
Can you make a going out fund, that some of her money is siphoned into. Contact local day centres, church etc (DM's town had pensioners lunches on Fridays, stuff like that) and arrange transport there and back, book the taxi etc etc Arrange a friendly cleaner/shopper/does the ironing on certain days- these things break up the day and give her someone to talk to/about.

If she has the funds I would consider a home help coming a few times a week to do light housework but really more companionship. You could work it so they come on the days when you and your sister don't.

She could have meals on wheels delivered daily. Round here they usually do a hot meal and lunch and then leave a cold tea time tray.

Definitely look into an Abbeyfield for her.
They often take people short term for respite - my Mum stayed in one for for 2 weeks after a minor operation just for a bit of cosseting

FYI and Abbeyfield in village local to be is just under £1800 a month, all food and bills included.
This is in a very Nice but expensive area in the South East

"simply go into the communal lounge in her accommodation and meet people."

That doesn't solve her wanting her meals provided though does it?

That's a company that does deliver meals can't recall the name(!) but I'm pretty sure it's all frozen to be microwaved.

I do think that sheltered accomodation would benefit from an onsite dining room but I guess it isn't viable/profitable.

It's impossible to cater for all stages of care.

But the OP has made it perfectly clear that her mother is a difficult and demanding person. Why would you suggest someone houses a difficult and demanding person?

Because that demanding person is her mother and she may love her?
Because I suggested perhaps a sibling could choose to do it instead?
Because her mother has a presumably comparatively short time left on this earth and it may be a nice thing to do?

Essentially, why would I not 'suggest' it?

I am in no way able or indeed inclined to demand that she or her sibling choose to do so, but I'm struggling to understand your apparent problem with me even suggesting it.

@Anonymum40

That is completely understandable, I'm a nursing home manager so I fully understand that lots of children feel unable to provide care for their aged parents.
She doesn't sound as though she will warrant anything other than privately funded care at her own expense.
Have you spoken to social services regarding having her assessed for a domiciliary package of care?

Please be selfish here.

Another recommendation for an Abbeyfield house. They have several different levels of care, but a "supported house" would be good for your mum I think, once she's recovered in Bupa. Two home-cooked meals per day, her own bedroom, communal lounges and dining room for company, and help with laundry etc. They are a charity and provide rooms on a not-for-profit basis, so more affordable than some other options, too.

I am going to say I had both of my parents live with me and it nearly killed me (not over egging). I am one of four but the only one self employed at the time so I could take time out couldn't I? I had young children and my siblings visited once a fortnight. The were both nursed by me until the end. My father lived 13 years after my mother died who was much like the ops mother. Rude, highly intelligent and superior. She wanted to live with me in my house (the lived in a cottage next door bought by me) and socialise with my friends, we were in our 30s then and part of the dinner party set. If I didn't invite her she would sulk for days. My father made up the fires and went to his cottage quite content. When she died my father seemed to blossom. He was hale and hearty for 10 years and then became very ill. At that point I should have insisted on a nursing home. Time blurrs the memory. He didn't want it. I gave up a job I loved to be with him. We all suffered. Mentally and financially. We miss him everyday but I would never recommend anyone becomes an unpaid nurse. It's not dignified or something that should be expected. Of course no one ever tells you of all the things you are entitled to, 8 weeks restbite a year, free lunch clubs, carers support. OP your mum may be moderately immobile, its what comes next that will have a profound effect. Order Marks dinners, find clubs for her to go to and if she trys to bully you say 'mum I am trying to help, up to you if you listen m'lady '.
I also recommend strong drink on a Friday night!