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Elderly parents
Original poster

Physically able mum 83 wants to be 'looked after'

127 replies

Anonymum40 · 04/09/2021 09:39

My mum has lived in a sheltered flat 5 mins from me and my family for about 6 months. Before that she was in the family home since my dad died in may 2019.

We have her over every Sunday and I pop in occasionally in the week. My sister lives further away but also sees her at least once a week.

Last week she had a fall which put her in hospital. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but then she cried when they said she could go home. She told them there was no one to look after her. She literally wants someone to put 3 meals a day in front of her. And she needs constant company. Really she wants my dad back but obviously that's impossible. Besides he used to say she was often bored and gloomy anyway.

She is quite difficult and narcissistic. I am having trouble with establishing my boundaries cos right now I'm ' on duty' at her flat and feeling resentful....

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 04/09/2021 09:43

Would a care home potentially be the best option? She would have company and her meals provided, at least? Or could you potentially get some meals delivered?

It's so tough, OP. Flowers The guilt can be all consuming, but you're doing your best and you have your own life to live as well. If she is difficult and narcissistic, it doesn't sound like it would be an option to move her in with you or your sister.

toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 09:44

Can you organise carers instead, meals delivered?

Does she socialise with the other residents (especially now COVID restrictions have lifted)?

If there is a communal lounge can you encourage her to use that so she will see other residents, even if just passing through. DM lives in retirement flats and there are a couple of residents who sit reading in the lounge daily to just have company near them.

NoSquirrels · 04/09/2021 09:45

Meals on wheels service or carers coming in frequently? Does she have a cleaner or similar who can come a bit more often?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/09/2021 09:48

Honestly, regardless of her personality, she is an 83 year old woman who is recently widowed and in hospital recovering from an injury. If she feels she can't cope on her own anymore I would listen to that.

It doesn't mean you have to take responsibility for all her needs, but it is time to start looking at nursing homes and discussing this with her so she can understand her options clearly.

GoWalkabout · 04/09/2021 09:49

Base it on her actual needs and on what you are able and prepared to do, because she won't miraculously be happy suddenly whatever you put in place Flowers

TopBlogger · 04/09/2021 09:49

Can she afford it? If she can then I am sure there are people who will be happy to spend an hour with her every day.

It sounds like you and your sister are doing enough so please dont let her guilt trip you.

My DM is similar age and lovely, but will do the "now it is payback time for me looking after you when you were little". I can never understand that logic and will never use it with my kids. I chose to have them and care for them. I didnt chose to be a daughter. So the fact that I do care for my DM is just that, a choice and I do not begrudge it, and when I cant, she has to have outside help.

vdbfamily · 04/09/2021 09:50

could she look at 'extra Care' housing where you have your own flat but there is a dining room for communal eating if you wish and they have on site care avail Jane as needed. If she is in social housing/renting must areas have their own and if she owns her house, she would need something similar to McCarthy and Stone arrangement. She actually just sounds rather lonely so worth speaking to local Age UK to see if they have plans to restart any Day Centres for day out with lunch and activities. They sometimes have volunteer visitors and other support to offer. Also look into U3A if mum had any special interests. She needs to keep busy

maslinpan · 04/09/2021 09:52

Her confidence has just taken a huge knock. Above all she needs to feel that you have listened to her. My own Mum is quite demanding and needy at times so I know how draining this can feel, but as PP have said, you do have options other than just trying to take everything on yourself.

BruceAndNosh · 04/09/2021 09:53

Maybe something like an Abbeyfield (which are residential rather than nursing homes).
Residents get minimum of 2 meals prepared for them a day (residents sometimes make their own breakfast)
Some Abbeyfield places have flats rather than rooms

crimsonlake · 04/09/2021 09:56

If she is already in sheltered accomodation I am assuming she receives some level of care already, can the hours not be increased?

Bryonyshcmyony · 04/09/2021 09:59

Bloody hell OP, she's widowed and been hospitalised after a fall and she's 83. Of course she's lost confidence. Look into residential care if you can't bear to do any more yourself.

toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 10:05

@crimsonlake sheltered housing doesn’t necessarily mean carers on hand. DM lives in retirement flats. There is a warden there 9-5 weekdays. They have emergency call system at other times. That is it.

If you need carers (which many residents do) you need to arrange them like you would ordinarily

Hoppinggreen · 04/09/2021 10:08

@Bryonyshcmyony

Bloody hell OP, she's widowed and been hospitalised after a fall and she's 83. Of course she's lost confidence. Look into residential care if you can't bear to do any more yourself.
That’s unfair We don’t know what sort of relationship OP has with her mother. She says she’s “difficult”. I never judge anyone’s relationships (or lack of) as I’m sure plenty of people had an opinion on how I neglected my poor ill father - who was an absolute arsehole
Larryyourwaiter · 04/09/2021 10:11

Mil was widowed. She refused to move, wasn’t interested in organised activities, didn’t want a social life. All she wanted was someone to go live with her full time for company. Which honestly wasn’t doable. There was no way to make her happy in the end.

AlexaShutUp · 04/09/2021 10:15

My elderly aunt was widowed last year. No children of her own so we are trying to do what we can to help, but she also refuses to move. I think she is still coming to terms with the loss of her DH and isn't ready to accept that her old life has gone. That makes it really hard for her to adapt to the new reality, and she is refusing suggestions that would actually make her life easier. She just wants things to go back to how they were before. It's so sad.

I dread getting old. Life can be so cruel sometimes.

Smudgingpastels · 04/09/2021 10:22

Did she have her own house and if so, was this sold? The proceeds could be used to fund her care.

If she has no savings then ring social services and ask for a Care Assessment.

Explain you are unable to help any more and make clear your DM would like to access community resources and have company.

There are allsorts of community schemes these days with micro providers and buddying schemes which will be able to help. Research into Age UK too, best start now as elderly people can decline very quickly if their mental health needs are not catered for.

There are alot of things organised with voluntary organisations and even phone friends so look into this with her.

By supporting her to become more independent will be in your and her best interests. Good luck.

happinessischocolate · 04/09/2021 10:36

If she's still physically able to make her own meals then I would encourage her to do so. My DM is in her 90s and has just finally got 3 carers a day which is great, but when all the cooking and cleaning is done for someone there's nothing left to do except sit and watch tv 12 hours a day which then leads to extreme boredom.

stepupandbecounted · 04/09/2021 10:37

I second a care home and nursing home with a lovely garden and company all day.

It is very sad she is feeling so lonely, and I am sure she will be happier being looked after, you and your sister can also relax knowing she is safe. The sheltered accommodation is perhaps not enough now.

NautaOcts · 04/09/2021 10:40

The problem with carers coming in, or a care home, is that unless she is a self funder, if it’s due to feeling lonely or wanting the help rather than actually physically being able to do stuff or being unsafe to be left alone, then social services would not fund this.

Is she anxious after having the fall? Is there anything in terms of technology that would reassure her? Assume she has a call button pendant or wrist thing

NautaOcts · 04/09/2021 10:41

Social services will not pay for a care home for someone who just ‘wants company’ 🤦‍♀️

toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 10:45

A care home is also a bit drastic for someone who just needs company, especially if she is not doing anything now for company. Surely she would just stay in her room in a care home.

If she wants company then she needs to make an effort. I know it is hard and it is likely her fall might have dented her confidence too.

Branleuse · 04/09/2021 10:45

poor old girl. I think some of these lonely old people should start mini communes with their own friends with a carer or two.

AlexaShutUp · 04/09/2021 10:45

@Branleuse

poor old girl. I think some of these lonely old people should start mini communes with their own friends with a carer or two.
Sounds like a fab idea!
toomuchlaundry · 04/09/2021 10:46

@Branleuse but that is what sheltered housing is like really

Elieza · 04/09/2021 10:51

Is there a local church or elderly friendly venue that could be somewhere she could meet people? A local gardening club the other oldies attend to pot up a few containers for the local area? A women’s guild or somesuch? Sounds like she needs hobbies and to meet people. More than receive care - although she’s had a fright so it may take time to get over that.