Physically able mum 83 wants to be 'looked after'

[Anonymum40]

My mum has lived in a sheltered flat 5 mins from me and my family for about 6 months. Before that she was in the family home since my dad died in may 2019.

We have her over every Sunday and I pop in occasionally in the week. My sister lives further away but also sees her at least once a week.

Last week she had a fall which put her in hospital. It turned out to be nothing serious thankfully but then she cried when they said she could go home. She told them there was no one to look after her. She literally wants someone to put 3 meals a day in front of her. And she needs constant company. Really she wants my dad back but obviously that's impossible. Besides he used to say she was often bored and gloomy anyway.

She is quite difficult and narcissistic. I am having trouble with establishing my boundaries cos right now I'm ' on duty' at her flat and feeling resentful....

My 'apparent problem with you' @ZednotZee is not you but your posts suggesting that someone who is struggling with feeling guilty about a demanding parent wanting more than they feel able to give should become a full time carer.

You seem to have accepted that now the OP has spelled it out but it was perfectly obvious from her earlier posts that she didn't want to do that.

I've worked in care for many years now and am currently a self employed comapnion carer.
It sounds as though you have done everything possible to support your Mum, she sound like she is living in the best place.
It is up to her now to make the most of where she lives and engage.
My only suggestion would be meals on wheels and maybe a companion carer a few times a week to take her out ? To a cafe or for a walk ect

@Clymene

OK, I didn't suggest you had a 'problem with me' but with my suggestion.

I didn't suggest OP become a full time carer so please stop your hyperbole. It isn't helpful in the slightest.

I suggested that her DM may live with OP or her sibling if they felt able to do so.
It is quite clear that the DM doesn't require round the clock care, rather she is missing the familial company provided to her by her late husband, hence my suggestion.

I don’t think she needs care, it’s companionship she’s missing. Maybe have a carer call once a day to provide a lunch or dinner. Or ask age Uk if they have a list of trusted sitters/companions who could be asked to call once per day for conversation, accompanied walks etc?

It is so difficult when a person will make absolutely no effort to get the best out of their life. It doesn't matter how much anyone does for them it is never enough.

MIL was exactly the same when she was widowed, loads of friends and family invited her all over the place, to join groups and clubs, she just pushed everyone away. She doesn't read or watch tv.

You simply cannot make someone else happy when they refuse all of your suggestions I'm afraid.

Not everyone has the ideal parent/child relationship. This plays a massive part in the amount of help you are willing or able to give.

Wiltshire farm foods. If she wants her meals prepared for her she can order in these ready meals.ideal for a single person who no longer wants to/is able to cook.

@diddl some retirement places do have on-site catering/restaurants. But there are companies that provide ready cooked meals like Wiltshire Farm foods, for people who struggle to cook for themselves. Many residents in DM's flats have meals sent in. Someone also arranges fish and chips from the local chippy to be delivered once a week, which is very popular with the residents.

I'm glad you are supporting her in getting antidepressants, while 83 is older she could have another 20 years in her so writing off her symptoms as old age rather than looking to see if there is more to it sounds like the right first plan.

Wiltshire Farm Foods-that's who I was trying to think of!

Yes, my neighbour has just moved into a place with catering.

Although the flat has a kitchette so you can do breakfast/evening meal.

The place is in lovely grounds & has a swimming pool but possibly the best part of €2000 a month!

That's a fancy retirement place @diddl. My DM's is much more basic, but much cheaper!

@toomuchlaundry

That's a fancy retirement place *@diddl*. My DM's is much more basic, but much cheaper!

Yes, I think it's like a chain & this is standard for them.

You know at £500 per week that's not that much. The state has a limit of £35k per annum I believe for social care. If you have to give up your job you will get paid £70 per week to look after your dependent person. Shameful. Our care system is woeful.

If she's capable of booking herself into the BUPA home I would withdraw OP. Let her sort out her own care and manage her own finances

DH died recently at 54. I'd be sad about going home to an empty house with no one to look after me after the shock of a fall and a stat in hospital too.

It's not that I need looking after, it's someone being "there".

That doesn't mean it's your 24/7 job to be that person but I can absolutely understand how she's feeling.

Nursing and care homes in my experience with DM are for people with dementia. If you are of sound mind, I think they would be incredibly depressing. Yes there are all meals and tea/biscuits provided. There are daily activities and some outings. But still much of your time is spent alone in your room with carers briefly rushing in and out.

She sounds lonely. Can you look into meals on wheels and pensioners activities at a centre?

Agree with @Tulip15, Meals on Wheels and a companion carer for outings sound good options now.

[quote toomuchlaundry]@Beautiful3 a nursing home are for people who need nursing, she doesn't sound like that, and they also run into thousands of pounds a month. Don't want to go down that route until you really need it.[/quote]
Nursing homes are also full of people with dementia. Company is not on the menu

@BruceAndNosh

Maybe something like an Abbeyfield (which are residential rather than nursing homes). Residents get minimum of 2 meals prepared for them a day (residents sometimes make their own breakfast) Some Abbeyfield places have flats rather than rooms

I was just about to suggest this. My late aunt was a housekeeper in one of these. It looked a lovely place to live.

She needs to sell the sheltered flat and go and live in the next level up, care wise. It’s likely the staff at her place know where people go when they need more so I’d ask them. Care homes/housing are a massive spectrum and perhaps one with a canteen would be best for her.

Might she be suitable for the www.sharemyhome.co.uk/ scheme? It's intended to match up young people who need housing with elderly people who need a little companionship and support but no actual nursing care needs.

Good on you for holding your boundaries. I agree; my parent was widowed nearly fifteen years ago in their late sixties, and there were some hints about needing companionship and would I move back home; I have never regretted not doing so, or not inviting them to live with me. Fast forward to now, and they have lived independently all that time, have had counselling which has helped them, I think, to ask for what they need, have some sort of social circle, and I still have something in reserve in the tank now that they are showing signs of needing closer involvement from me.
Advice given here about getting in carers/companions and about accepting that she has to live her life - you can't live it for her, and you can't "make" someone sad into someone happy - seems really good to me.
Sending supportive thoughts!

@Anonymum40 I think I know where you are at. Parent wants their old life back or, failing that, you to be the next best option giving on tap care and companionship. Yes, the fall may have knocked her confidence however it sounds like a fantasy is nurtured about how she wants to live and that fantasy does not involve a care home or taking responsibility for her own entertainment.

There are so many people with rose tinted glasses both about what it is like to get old and what it is like to care for an elderly person. I always say that if the relationship wasn’t strong and mutually enjoyable pre old
age then throwing in the multitude of problems ageing brings is as unlikely to improve the relationship as having a baby is to mend a broken marriage.

On a more practical note Wiltshire food has already been mentioned. One of my parents was a fan of Parsleybox. The meals don’t need refrigeration. The remaining parent claims they are terrible - another ‘solution’ dismissed as it isn’t as good as getting your youth back and being able to knock up a meal yourself. Sadly there is no meals on wheels or third party equivalent in my area either. If there was, no doubt there would be a problem with that too.

Why haven't people thought about their old age. Surely elderly married couples don't expect that they will both pass away quietly in their sleep on the same night.
What happened to your DM's parents in old age - did they move in with her? Did they die young so she has never had to think about this.