Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Opal8

I'm not prepared to sacrifice any more of my time/energy/focus on her.

Hold this thought!
Concentrate on your own recovery.
These situations can bleed us dry emotionally and physically.
Self first.

@MintyCedric : Are you in a position to check nothing nefarious financially is going on with this man ? I would keep an eye, just in case.

I haven't been following this thread closely for a while, so not got a complete picture of recent developments.

However, grooming of elderly people by would-be romantic partners or (more commonly) carers is by no means as unusual or as unlikely as you might think and she is a prime mark. Recently widowed, of means, difficult relationship with closest relative, and her character as you describe- suggestible, vain, self-absorbed , emotionally labile- all make it possible.

Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, or if this has been discussed before. It's just that I am all for stepping back wherever we can, but this isn't one to take your eye off in my view.

I was thinking the same, @Words, and there seems to be very little families can do about it. I read about this case earlier this year: www.predatorymarriage.uk

Obviously Minty's mum is not such an extreme case, but it seems that under current law, when a 91-year-old with advanced dementia marries a much younger, predatory man, no alarm bells ring and nothing can be done about it.

Everything depends on the individual circumstances.

The Joan Blass case was an extreme and terrible example, as you say. I believe more is being done around awareness for registrars of marriage as a result, but clearly it should never have got that far.

It doesn't necessarily follow that nothing can be done - each case is unique- but the situations are inevitably very delicate, which is why often things can go unchallenged. Fraudsters target those with few dependents for obvious reasons. On the positive side, institutions are alive to this type of abuse far more than they used to be.

It's worth keeping a close eye, and seek advice if you are worried. Action on Fraud, the age-related charities, the individual banks in question would be my first port of call.

She's very open about her finances and I have access to her passwords etc.

She's also made it very clear that he's not asked and she's not offered any kind of financial input.

Of course that doesn't ultimately mean anything but I don't have any immediate concerns about him fleecing her.

I have a certain amount of evidence if I need to use it.

Good
I'd be watching him like a hawk - and making sure he knew I was
I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day

@MintyCedric

She's very open about her finances and I have access to her passwords etc.

She's also made it very clear that he's not asked and she's not offered any kind of financial input.

Of course that doesn't ultimately mean anything but I don't have any immediate concerns about him fleecing her.

I have a certain amount of evidence if I need to use it.

Do you have POA Minty? If so, it might be possible to talk to the bank about putting in place some sort of alert to prevent large transfers. Also you could maybe move money into accounts where you have to give notice to withdraw?

@BurningTheToast

There is a POA but it's not activated. I could talk to mum about investing some of it where it's less accessible though.

You can activate the Financial poa at any time

Morning lovely supportive people,

Yesterday we found out that FIL will be in hospital for "weeks but probably not months"... I think MIL needs to go into respite care for at least part of that time and we can organise a care package, sort out the house such as the spare bedroom and so on so that one of us can easily and comfortably stay there when they both come home. DH resistant as he worries that once she goes into a care home she won't come home again.

This morning I'm off to look at a flat in the city. There aren't many that will allow our dog and even fewer in an area that means we can get to their house quickly.

Slept for four hours last night before DDog decided that it was time to go out for a walk. I put him off until it had at least started getting like and then we went and walked in the woods for a bit. I fell over a root because it was still, you know, dark! And I cried because I fell over until DDog decided that if I was on the ground then I probably wanted to wrestle!

Have a good day everyone! x

Oh @BurningTheToast you are doing a wonderful thing for the family.

We had a really interesting visit with mum yesterday. My oldest daughter has been home with the express intention of visiting her. She hasn't seen her for 6 month. It was clear that mum wasn't sure who she was until we told her but then she was off! DD wore a dress that mum had bought for her 9 years ago. Mum remembered every detail of the trip when we bought the dress. She remembered where it was bought and our visit to Krispy Kreme to buy donuts. She didn't remember the name of the shop but she remembered that we had bought donuts beginning with a "K" and that DD was not allowed in the shop because the college did not allow students to enter fast food places whilst in uniform. Details that DD had forgotten!

I am now going to be wracking my brains for other little details about trips and fun times I can talk to her about.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

That's really lovely.

I went to a the AGM of the charity DD works for last night which provides grants for community groups.

There were some amazing people there including the local dementia hub team, an art therapy group, outdoor wellbeing group and youth group focused on mental health.

DD has suggested I speak to dementia hub rep about mum. Couldn't catch her last night but she seems very approachable. Think I need to maybe keep a record of glitches for a bit first though as the signs are quite subtle.

Makes a change from worrying about L I guess!

Morning ☕
Mum seems a bit perkier today
I'm feeling like roadkill and have donned the fleece of despair 😫🤣
Dropped ds1 off at university (or rather he drove, I drove back)
Checked on mum.
Now washing/cleaning yadda yadda...
I'm cleaning the oven for some reason 😬
Lovely sunny day here
Cockroach all x

Sounds like that could be an idea @MintyCedric?

I've got a big trustee meeting coming up next week - should be a formality but there are ways 1 or 2 men trustees who just like the sound of their own voice so I may channel my inner Jackie weaver 🤣

@MintyCedric

She's very open about her finances and I have access to her passwords etc.

She's also made it very clear that he's not asked and she's not offered any kind of financial input.

Of course that doesn't ultimately mean anything but I don't have any immediate concerns about him fleecing her.

I have a certain amount of evidence if I need to use it.

Glad to hear that, Minty.

Over here, DM was almost back to normal after her post-vaccine illness, just in time for her birthday.

Back to normal means back to worrying about moving into the sheltered flat, worrying about how she will get around in the communal areas of the sheltered block, worrying about the botched job a roofer did on the house (which I am trying to sort out but may involve legal action), worrying that she will run out of money (her pension plus widow's pension make her a higher-rate tax-payer, not to mention all the investments and two houses...). It gets exhausting, but not as bad as what many of you are dealing with.

Ah yes, the whittling about money.

Sigh.

After dad died mum got a large DinS benefit. Plus her pension, plus 3 x workplace pensions from from dad (he'd been working since he was 15 so 52 years)

She bought the house they rented then sold up last year making a profit.

She lives alone, her flat rent is covered by her AA payment and she's got over £1200 pm to live off. That's just for food and some utilities (heat is included in rent)

Not counting her savings (she refuses to invest, don't get me started...)

It rather rankled when me, dh and ds1 had to move her because she "couldn't afford a packing and moving company" 😬🙄

The money side of it drives me nuts.

Mum is not minted but she's very comfortable. Last weekend she made a 'joke' about having to start charging me to use her tumble dryer (once a week and while I'm there I empty the condenser unit and clean the filter).

Naturally when I said 'fine, I'll take it home and rry it indoors' she burst into tears because I was being unkind and stroppy .

On another note, is anyone else dreading Christmas already?

Oh gawd 😳 🌲

Mum is coming here for lunch - I did point out of my sister offered I wouldn't be offended if she went there...except an invitation hasn't been forthcoming..

Mum can be very generous sometimes then, like your mum, says something SO weird and unnecessary that I'm left thinking wtf!?

She had her x rays done yesterday. Bloods are arranged for 29th (Loooong waits here for blood tests atm...) and I'm sorting a kidney scan which will hopefully be before her next Dr's appointment on 2nd December

I'm staying at mums on Thursday as per but planning to get away early so I can spend Christmas Eve with DD as that's our thing since being in our own place.

We'll be back to mum mid morning Christmas Day and stay over, hopefully escape by midday Boxing Day and have the following day at home.

I hate having to chop my time up like this. It's not that I mind spending Christmas with her but the pressure to be there so frequently for several hours at a time is just draining and makes me really resentful. The best present I could have would be 3 days just relaxing in my own home with DD and the cats.

There's also the possibility of a NYE night out which will probably cause WW3 and I'll have to go round on NY day so will be conscious of having to be fairly sensible so I can cope with that.

DD had also announced that she'll be having her friends round if I do go out which I have reservations about especially as was planning to stay at my friend's place overnight to save on taxi fare. She's a very sensible 17.5yo and we're talking a maximum of 5 close friends, 3 of whom I know well and know their parents, the other two have longstanding connections to these three.

I think I'd be fine with it under normal circumstances, just a bit worried they'll get carried away with it being NYE.

It seems unlikely... they could be married by that age! Though I'd be truly horrified if ds pitched up engaged I have to say.

Dm went from the hospital to a nursing home today and I find myself wishing the GP would offer a suicide pill. What sentence would I get for putting her out of her misery?

What sentence would I get for putting her out of her misery?

Probably out in about 15 years taking good behaviour into account not that I've researched it

Hmm 15 years [considers it]

After starting the day feeling relatively chipper, it definitely got worse.

The flat was poky and extortionate - for the price they want per month I expect it to be a lot nicer than my actual house. This had a odd smell in one bedroom and just felt bitty in its layout. On the other hand, it did have an actual, proper, wine cellar. And a wine fridge in the kitchen - DS pointed out that given the reason we're moving to it that might come in very handy...

But mostly I was downcast by my conversation with social services. Apparently MIL must have a needs assessment before they can do anything and they've put her on the urgent list for that so two to three weeks. I think their definition of urgent is different to mine.

And then, once they've assessed her needs they can put in place a package of care - 4 x 15 minute visits per day. That will take several weeks, "possibly three to four months" to implement.

FIL will also be assessed in hospital but they can't do a joint assessment until he comes home. I'm starting to see why these assessments take so long...

I've spoken to a couple of private agencies and they're struggling for staff too. It seems people are ending up in respite care simply because there aren't other options.

I think we need to find out from the occupational therapist at the hospital how long FIL is likely to be in there - it seems that OTs are the people with the power re discharge - and then look for respite care. DH is sure that we can avoid that if we just reorganise bits of their house so that one of us can stay there more comfortably, and so on.

I feel really guilty for just wanting a bit of our lives back. I really admire those of you who are managing to juggle (sorry - awful term) caring so well while I'm just exhausted and increasingly resentful.

Burning all our situations are different. I am shattered after 6 weeks of my mum being in hospital. I'm absolutely not going to give up my job and leave my teenage son to move in with my mum in her flat and be her carer. It is possible she would be happier that way but I've spent 3 years listening to nonstop misery because she didn't like that flat. If you are already exhausted and having the look of the flat you'd have to manage and keep clean and all that, maybe don't do it.

The resentment is hard isn't it?
But totally understandable