Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

In these modern times you are supposed to be able to give authority for organisations to inspect the LPA online and do away with the transfer of paper altogether. So far I've only found one place that would do that and then only if there were no specific instructions listed.

Exexpat they are supposed to check that it has the embossed corners that indicates it's the real deal which they can't do from a copy.

I am feeling a lot calmer this afternoon, I've been anxious since chasing the ambulance last Tuesday and I'm hoping I might get some sleep tonight. It's been totally irrational but telling myself that didn't make it any better.

Update: I have had SIX missed calls on my mobile (which I ask people not to use as I get eff-all reliable signal at home) from her GP.
They haven't phoned the landline, as I requested, and they haven't texted, as the receptionist said she would do, and they haven't left a voicemail.

So I have no way of contacting them back. Even if I wanted to.

MrsRussell GPs seem to have a built in bias towards using mobile numbers despite instructions to the contrary, as they're worried about the wrong person picking up the landline. Even the fact you've asked for a doctor to speak is private info. Since I don't carry my phone around with me when I"m at home, it's a right nuisance.

Hi 👋
Nn changer here. Was on the thread a while ago. Sorry to see so many of us are still having issues.
Well.
1st day of new job and I'm in a&e waiting for mum to be triaged.
She's been waiting an hour in the ambulance but is in the department now.
I'm in a waiting room with a coked up alcoholic so it's all good fun.
Mums been going downhill since getting sepsis back in August (due to pyelonephritis as Dr's refused to see her f2f so didn't do her obs...)
She was at the Dr's last Monday with left arm pain, going up into her neck which was dx as "muscular"
And here we are a week later and he's had an abnormal ecg
I'm so tired of fighting to get her seen/decent treatment.

Hi everyone - @Opal8 I hope you're mum is being cared for appropriately and it hasn't messed up your new job.

I went to visit mum on Monday and she was all tears and upset. She hates the home, hates not having visitors and wants to be at home with her family. i.e. me!

Just a week or so before she went into hospital when I was with her for hours every day she would sit with her head in her hands saying how lonely and fed up she was so I really don't think the home is much worse but oh the guilt!

As my cousin pointed out on Monday night she is wanting a situation that is long gone - she wants to be surrounded by her (my) family but they have all grown up and gone - although they are all keen to see her when they are home. My oldest came home a couple of weeks ago specifically so we could visit her together and my daughter is doing the same next week. My middle daughter lives locally and she and her husband visit every week.

I feel heartbroken that her last months/years are going to be so unhappy and I am powerless to help her. Money is an issue but even if it wasn't there is no way she can go home to her caravan and no way she can move in to our house. For the first time since we started planning for to move to a home I am overwhelmed by guilt.

Oh hairbrush sending a big hug🌺🌺🌺.
Please try not to feel guilty- she will be grieving for a life that’s gone, and you have sacrificed so much for her.
No one can turn back time. Do I recall you were seeing a counsellor? Could they help?

Hairbrush Steel yourself and think of her as a small child wanting a pony. We can't always have what we want, realising that is part of growing up. It's not your job to make her happy, she now has a life of her own with lots of people around her and hopefully some activities. It has the potential to be a more rewarding life than the one she had, which wasn't packed with excitement and family members whatever she thinks.

She might be different again the next time you see her, you may spend a week worrying about this when she was distracted in an hour. She wasn't happy or safe at home, at least now she's safe so it is an improvement.

Hairbrush don’t let the guilt overwhelm you. You can’t always put your mums well-being and wishes first over yours. At least that what DH tells me.

We were away last week and I thought DM was so much better when we got back. I spent Sunday afternoon with her and an hour yesterday and it was lovely. She was cheerful, had been out with friends for lunch, had had her hair done and said her hip was much better (she had a fall about a month ago and was in real pain before I went away).

About 6pm tonight she rings. ‘Where are you? I haven’t seen anyone for ages. Where are my children? You always visit at the weekend.’

I had been thinking that maybe I needed to visit less often - I go every other day at least and I try to time it so that I visit on days my brother doesn’t so she has someone there every day. But if she can’t remember whether I’ve been there or not I’m not sure it helps.

Oh the guilt at the unhappiness. It's so hard . The nursing home that I've focused on getting my mum into has just turned her down for a private admission because she doesn't have enough money. I can't be sure how much she has because the fund managers are sitting on the power of attorney and not giving me access, so I guessed and it ages her a bad financial risk. It's possible they've done her a favour as it was always going to be a worry if she could afford it longer term. Back to social services and now I would take absolutely anywhere just to get her out of hospital- which is dangerous.

Im so exhausted and Mum is so miserable and it just goes on and on. No wonder there are no beds in hospitals.

@Opal8 I hope you have some positive news and action soon and that your work are sympathetic.

Ditto all those who are struggling with elderlies in homes or trying to sort them out.

And the guilt...it's awful. Although I'm currently at point where I feel guilty about not feeling guilty .

Day 'off' today although I'm doing a course via Zoom this week.

Spoke to mum.this evening...yet more hysterics over L. She's decided not to see him anymore (again) and apparently felt so awful.she went out in the car with intention of driving into a wall and killing herself.

Honestly I just feel numb about the whole bloody circus tbh.

Un-Mumsnetty hugs to all this murky morning.
Found out last night that we lost our 80 year old Scout top dog, a woman who I loved very much and who for some bizarre reason was very fond of me. The last time I saw her she was talking to me about moving up to be a warranted Scout leader. So....I guess that's what I'll do salutes Akela
Bored of the whole situation re my own mother, so disengaging from the discharge process altogether. Very much a "and you can't make me so ner" kind of thing. Release her, do not release her, I am simply all out of caring now....

Oh MrsRussell it's just the relentlessness of it all isn't it?

Feels like they're just on a self-destruct mission although in my mum's case it's emotionally rather than physically.

It's an awful thing to say but if only there was a timescale it would be easier to cope with.

I'm sorry about your friend . I left Guides when I was about 15 but our leader (who also saw me through Brownies) was an astonishing woman who I still have very fond memories of.

I think one of the things Minty is that Akela was the same age as DM, and there is a part of me that thinks - that sucks. One of these people was a much loved and much needed community support who was a genuinely "good" woman. And the other is my mother, who had the capacity to be all of those things and chooses instead to be as you say relentless in her neediness.
I think that's the thing that hacks me off the most - that she could change the things she whines about, and doesn't. If I was a physically-healthy, solvent, independent widow, I'd be all over the damn place - joining Strictly chat groups on FB, going to the Stitch and Bitch two hundred yards from my front door, off down the WI - but she doesn't want to do /anything/. Oh I'm depressed. Oh I'm not as strong as you. Oh I can't walk that far. (Shop selling alcohol is further, natch, but...)

I give up, I'm done.

I think that's the thing that hacks me off the most - that she could change the things she whines about, and doesn't. If I was a physically-healthy, solvent, independent widow, I'd be all over the damn place

I hear you loud and clear. Admittedly at 82 mum does have her health issues but she can still drive and potter about. Her memory is getting a bit alarming but it's not at a stage where it would stop her doing anything.

It's hard not to feel resentful that she's comfortably off with all the time in the world and few restrictions and wallowing in self pity, while I'm constantly struggling and could put all that money and time to good use.

Then I feel guilty...and tired...and terrified that I'll end up just like her.

I'm all done with the feeling guilty thing, Mints. It's like teaching a pig to whistle - achieves nothing, and just irritates the pig.
It's quite liberating ;-)

I've been through it with both grannies in years gone by - complaining about not seeing anyone but not willing to face the social challenges of walking into a new group. I made lists of things local to them, sewing groups, lunch clubs, whatever I thought might interest them. There was always a reason why it couldn't be done even if I offered to go with them for a while.

In the end it's about people making their choices and living with the consequences. I have seen the consequences of mum being a hermit and I didn't want to put that burden on my son so I made an effort and I now have two mornings a week where I chat with people I'm not related to (many of whom fall into the category of physically healthy, solvent widows)

Just phoned mum to check she got my message about going round a bit later today as have shopping delivery and course still ongoing.

Mentioned I needed to drop DD off early on the morning and she copped a strop and hung up on me before I got to "but I'll be back and work from yours for the day as I've nothing else on".

Called her back and told her I was trying to help her and didn't need the constant tantrums and abuse, cue hysterical sobbing and wails of "...you don't understand...."

No, I don't.

I have no idea why someone in relatively good health for her age and with all the time in the world makes no effort to engage socially with new people.

I have no idea why she doesn't use the aids she been provided on the NHS for her continence issues then moans about them limiting her.

I have no idea why someone with six figures in the bank and a mortgage free home bemoans the fact that her hearing aids work and she can't get an NHS test for another 18 months.

I haven't a clue why she won't engage with proper NHS counselling (much less pay for therapy) but spends all her time reading morose memes on FB and watching American psychobabble on YouTube.

I'm mystified as to the fact she has raging healthy anxiety, but as a diabetic lives on evaporated milk, fruit, boiled sweets and chocolate rice cakes and eats ice cream every bloody night.

I am soooo bloody tired.

Yeah that, Minty.
This is why I'm so "meh" about the guilt-tripping from the hospital about my not helping (read: putting my mental health and that of my family, first)
She doesn't have to live in shit and squalor. It's a wilful choice. She could have a cleaner come in daily to help with her continence aids, and she chooses not to. The hell with that.

Time to brace myself for my 24 stint round there...

I have seen the consequences of mum being a hermit and I didn't want to put that burden on my son so I made an effort and I now have two mornings a week where I chat with people I'm not related to (many of whom fall into the category of physically healthy, solvent widows) You’re so right knot . I realised long ago that one haemorrhages friends - interests diverge, needs change, friends move to the other end of the country - and so I never lose an opportunity to make a new one - something which has been so much easier in my 60s than at any other time of life. Even my father, moving to the other end of the country at 83, got himself stuck in and had at least two days a week in the company of people he wasn’t related to.

I can see why people don’t accept help. Accepting help means accepting your decline

I can see why people don’t accept help. Accepting help means accepting your decline

But surely it makes the road to the inevitable decline better than wallowing in misery?

We lived with my nan until I was nearly 3. She would have been 76 when we moved out, but she still had an active social life until she died 3 years later.

My wonderful nan in law was in her early 80s when she lost her husband. Within 6 weeks she was at lunch club on a Sunday and learning to play Bridge during the week. FiL, XH or I went over every Thursday to take her to collect her pension, do a shop and have tea & cake, and FIL stopped in for a cuppa during his rounds most days (he collected donations for Age UK), but otherwise she happily got on with life.

I find the defeatism and self-pity so incredibly hard to deal with.

Oh, and after Wednesdays meltdown she's still not sure if she's going to get rid of L.

I think my mum realised she was struggling and didn't want to see friends in case she couldn't keep up or perhaps let her facade slip. I have had to be on hand as waitress/entertainment for her social life for the past 15 years so and she would never have gone anywhere without me.

@MrsRussell my son loves the idea of teaching a pig to whistle. He has decided to set himself a challenge and see how many times he can use it in conversation this week! (No, he's not a teenager - he is a full on adult).

I feel I am walking a tightrope between the sadness of losing the mum I have known and loved to this horrible condition and seeing her so sad on the one side and the sheer joy of the possibilities that are opening up for me on the other. I can have visitors whenever I want. I can walk out of the door any time I like. If I want to spend all day studying I can. I can actually spend time with my husband or on my own. Life is amazing. But my heart aches for her.

Someone mentioned me going back to see the counsellor. I might well do but not until after Christmas. Christmas is going to be hectic with all five kids and partners and my daughters inlaws and even though I am really excited I have a lot of practical stuff to do before that so I want to get that out of the way before I can really give myself any headspace for sorting out my feelings. And who knows, by then I might be less wobbly.,

Hairbrush see also, rolling a turd in glitter.... not sure what it is with me and effluent this week but here we are! Glad to have broadened the vocabulary of your son....

And we're back to L being the best thing since sliced bread....

"He's my friend"

"I can't understand why you have a problem with him"

"I'm not delusional, you are"

"Do you want me to be desperately unhappy"

I told her she was batshit crazy and left.