Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Toast I agree with the other good advice you’ve had that your In-laws need to accept help that isn’t you – because they need it and will not be coping without soon (and you may not be). A straw poll of people I know in a similar situation to me all had to go down the home-care route before a care home: in my case the shift from one to the other was swift because it revealed that my DM actually needed an eye on her 24 / 7. It seems to me a huge move for you to go and rent near them, your decision obviously but it seems you are bending your life to fit theirs for an indeterminate length of time and I totally agree on the points re boundaries.

You are right Dint I had forgotten the Bad Daughters’ space is now a whole extension. I see it as a sun room, in part reminiscent of a very good spa like Seaham Hall but with an infinity pool which really goes on into infinity like the restaurant at the end of the universe, but yet also has the vibe of the lanai from Golden Girls. Thought needs to go into the Bad Sons’ area for TonTon’s DH - roaring fire plus gin is a good start.

Ooh MrsS are you allowed to say anything about your writing on here or does it count as Forbidden Advertising?

I love my own cleaner. I scatter rose-petals beneath her feet. I could not do my job or claw back my life without someone else doing my house and garden: it’s not that either are at all big, but that living on my own and working in a demanding job and being at the mature end of middle age, I would either have a meltdown when precious down-time had to be used for cleaning or, more realistically, I would live like someone on a Channel 5 shock-doc.

Hello. Can I join you please in the Bad Daughter's wing? I'm losing my mind. My DF died two months ago and my DM has been living with us ever since.

She's bloody hard work. Can't work anything made post 1970. All paperwork down to us. She's miserable and uses pleading tones of voice to respond a simple offer a cup of tea. She does nothing.

She was horrible to me recently and I've told her she has to go home. She's ruining my home life, she scared the kids witless and I can't begin to grieve for my beloved DF.

Unfortunately both DSister and I blame DM for Dad's death. She ran him ragged. It's stupid but now she's doing it to me!!!!

Anyway I'm now subject to sighing, silences and demanding 10 days here over Christmas and New Year - 16 hrs of driving for us of course.

I just want my Dad to tell me what to do. I work FT and DH is a bloody saint to be honest. It just her. She watches me do chores, cook etc. Rarely speaks except to list stuff I need to do for her.

I know she has to go. But I feel wicked. God I'm so fed up with life right now.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Sorry, TonTon I was in two minds as to whether to mention it.

Please, it's no problem. The advice and info in CC is invaluable, as well as helping keep us all sane (more nor less).

The dementia nurse had mentioned medication some time ago, but said she thought the anti-psychotics would be too much for MIL as her heart is in a poor state, and she is due to have a valve replacement (although this seems to be on hold).

I do think that Risperidone was the intended drug however, although DH did manage to hear a phone message from the GP saying 'I have been told to prescribe you this', which might indicate that she had reservations about it.

It is frustrating that we are unable to discuss all this with the doctors, but there we are.

@Terryscombover

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and FWIW I think you having your mum to stay for two months makes you a saint!

I can also related to what you're saying about blaming your mum for your dad's death.

I'm not in quite the same boat, but I do feel resentful on his behalf that she held him back from living the life he wanted in a lot of ways, and a lot of anger about how she treated him in his last couple of years.

Have you had any counselling? I've had one or two text vents with the Cruse helpline and found even that small amount of conversation really helpful.

@Terryscombover Your Not-So-DM sounds a nightmare and I do sympathise. You've gone beyond what should be expected and even a little acknowledgement of that, never mind appreciation goes a long way.

@Terryscombover Eight weeks? You deserve a medal not admission to the bad daughter's room. My mother came for Christmas every year after dad died. We learned to be very specific with the invitation because she also used to come at the weekends. One year it ran weekend - Christmas - weekend - New Year - weekend and it was just too much. I love her dearly, as did my husband but I can tell you now that ten days is too long for house guests at Christmas (so you know what I think about an eight week visit).

It's like having difficult children, you ignore the behaviour you don't want and react to the behaviour you want to encourage. Sighs, silences, tutting, huffing and eye rolling are a MIL feature for me and I've learned to ignore them all. If she doesn't use actual words (which I take at face value, none of this saying one thing and meaning the opposite) then I'll carry on with whatever I was doing. Mum also used to rule with a frosty face, I was in my forties when I realised I could pick up my car keys, announce I was leaving and walk away. It was empowering for me and a massive shock for her. I'm not six, I'm an adult and I deserve some respect even from family.

Have a look at the calendar and decide what you are happy with. It's date1 to date2 and that's what's on the table together with a turkey dinner. I know she's grieving but she needs to build her new life which she can't do from your house.

Thank you all for your messages. Some really good advice and kind responses, also it is nice to hear I'm not a wickedly neglectful daughter!!!

Well she's not stopping from the 17th Dec until 2nd Jan as she thinks she is. 23 - 28th is the max we can do. We're bloody away 20 - 22 so she wanted collecting and bring here before we went.

It's all just got too much this past two weeks, she was all dramatic and "It's a sad, sad day" yesterday. Why? My last Sunday here for weeks.

I've been reading some more of the tread and some of you have much more difficult situations to deal with. Especially if parents need care but refuse it. Mind you DM doesn't really know why she needs a carer to take her shopping when she could so easily live with us.

DF was sick for quite some time, in and out of hospital and then they couldn't help him anymore. He was just so worn out. I need my own space to recover from weeks spent away from home at the hospital and also to miss him. He was an amazing parent and a world class GF but I find myself unable to cry or switch off at all. Counselling is a fabulous suggestion. Thank you.

I just can't describe how tense she makes me. I'm reduced to counting the days until my DSis is taking her home. Poor DSis, we will both have to put some new boundaries down.

Hello Everyone. Cockroach all, and gin/ chocolate/ whatever.

I went to visit my mother on Sunday and it was actually quite pleasant. She was very smiley and actually said it was nice to see me! Clearly her memory is shot to,pieces though. Can't recall having the booster, can't remember her friend's name, denied having talked to another lady who she sits next to all the time. It must be a very scary place for her.

Apart from the dementia and all the frailties of being 90 she is in pretty good nick for her age, so this could go on for a very very long time.

I wondered if there had been any discussion on here about the forthcoming cap on care home fees from 2023. The loophole that I can see is that it applies only to the care, not to the accommodation and food. I immediately asked for a breakdown of what is what, but the home was unable to provide one.

It would be helpful to be able to plan, as the fees are burning through her savings as you can imagine.

The place has recently been sold on, so will be part of a group of four homes. It's been independently run up to now. It's a higher end establishment yet the fees are slightly less than more bog standard places so my financial warning lights are flashing amber - I'm expecting another hike in fees. ( it was 5 per cent last year) .

And now I know why they spent a fortune on a promotional video, including aerial shots... They spun that as being a marketing instrument for the website, which I didn't buy at all. They are not exactly short of clients.

2023 seems a very long way away, I am not at all convinced that mum will see Christmas, never mind 2023.

words If your mother is a complete self funder, no LA contribution at all, are you getting Attendance Allowance? Every little helps.

If your mother does go on a long time, you may be one of the “lucky” ones that the care cap helps, but don’t expect too much.

As far as I can see, the cap makes virtually no difference to elders in care or nursing homes. As you say, the loophole is that it is care, not accommodation. Which sounds fair, except that care in a home is going to cost more than what you were spending at home.

So suppose you are spending £1000 a week on a care/nursing home. £500 of that may be “accommodation “, so that leaves £500 a week “care”. Cap of £86000 is 172 times £500, so over 3 years. The average stay in a care home is, if I remember correctly, 3 years and in a nursing home, less than 2.

It’s not retrospective, so won’t help those already in the care system - their cap will be £86000 on top of what they’ve already spent.

It will help those unfortunates who languish in a care home for about 14 years, and those receiving long term care at home, so younger people with disabilities. But few of those will be self funding.

And it may mean you can buy insurance to cover the £86000, but only if targeted at younger people so that enough people who never need care purchase it.

In the words of Tom Waits, The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

I think that Dint's summary pretty much sums it up, it's will make no noticeable improvement for most of us.

I suspect mother will depart at the point of maximum expenditure and just at the moment when any saving could be made.

Yes she has attendance allowance, which helps, and clearly the new measures are not retrospective.

Agree the devil will be in the detail, so glad I haven't missed anything obvious.

It's an expensive business, being old and mad.

(Translated into Latin, that could be our CC motto.)

Your wish is my command...

Res pretiosa est, senex et demens.

Does anyone watch Succession? The elderly patriarch of the family business has an inopportune UTI in yesterday's episode which his kids referred to as him being 'piss mad'.

Would have been funny except the acting was so painfully accurate...

@MintyCedric

Your wish is my command...

Res pretiosa est, senex et demens.

Does anyone watch Succession? The elderly patriarch of the family business has an inopportune UTI in yesterday's episode which his kids referred to as him being 'piss mad'.

Would have been funny except the acting was so painfully accurate...

That's made me laugh @mintycedric thank you!

Sorry I didn't update after last weeks mammoth a&e stint....10 hours sat on a metal Chair to be told "her ecg is fine"

Mum has gone downhill since the sepsis in August which was caused by a uti which turned into pyelonephritis.

I contacted the dr for a follow up and she's having chest x rays today and bloods next week coz guess what??? Her chest x Ray in August wasn't "fine" at all and she has fluid on her lungs.

They didn't do the kidney scan that the a&e Dr requested so I am arranging a private one.

I'm utterly exhausted with it all.

I asked told my sister to take her today as I'm just so worn down by it all.

She's now not even feeling well enough to go out for a walk/trip to the village or keep her flat clean.

Her mobility is getting much worse.

I'm currently sat waiting for the floor fitter to fit ds2's new bedroom floor - 3rd time lucky!! He keeps cancelling and I'm losing the will.

I'm recovering from back surgery and all the stretching/moving furniture is not helping!

I feel really negative about the future re: mum. I think this could just be the start of her decline and I'm not prepared to sacrifice any more of my time/energy/focus on her.

She - like many others on here - will not help herself. She refuses to make any effort at all to make friends, join groups...its so depressing.

I hope she can stay at the flat for a while yet but as soon as needs more care I'll have to be the bad guy and bring up a care home.

I lasted 1 whole day at my new job. It was only pt admin wfh but they were SO shitty when I explained that I was in a&e with mum that I consider I may have had a lucky escape!!

I'm sorry so many of us are struggling atm and @mintycedric I'm sorry your mum is still being so cruel/nasty.

I would have reported "L" months ago - safeguarding red flags all over the place.

Easy for others to say what they would do of course, we aren't living it.

Sorry for the whinge fest - hoping that we are least get past Xmas without another a&e visit

Cockroach to all x

Well, after a blissful respite from the daily ranting MIL has unfortunately stopped taking her Risperidone and we are back to square one - although it seems worse.

DH had suspected this but there now seems no doubt as she has been on the phone most of the morning accusing us of a) sabotaging her toothbrush, b) taking/hiding some jewellery c) ripping her off over the present she wants to give DS for Christmas, which she asked me to organise for her.

We have told the dementia team and hope that they can prescribe something else - we think she stopped because she can't drink alcohol with it, and she does enjoy a glass of wine in the evening.

As it is essential to try and get a laugh, however demoralising the situation, this exchange amused us

DH: Of course I don't come into your house every night. Have you ever seen me in your house in the night?

MIL: No, but I've heard you.

DH: Well why don't you come down and say hello then!?

@Tontonmacoute sorry you're having g aggro again but I have to say I like your DH's style .

@Opal8 that sounds exhausting. I really feel for you with the job situation and totally know what you mean about having reached the limits of time, patience and energy.

I can envisage my mum going on for another 5 - 10 years and honestly the thought absolutely terrifies me. Her cognitive function is definitely declining and I'm not sure if that makes things worse or better.

As for L...I know I should report him but

a/ he's the only regular respite I get. I called Age UK about their befriending scheme and it's still only operating via phone. The nearest day centre to us is 12 miles away.

b/ I don't want mum to have to dragged into any kind of investigation

c/ honestly I'm worried what kind of stunt she'd pull. Not gonna lie the inheritance is part of it, not of itself so much anymore as I'm resigned to most of it ultimately going in care costs, but should that not be the case, most of it has come via my dad working his arse off and the inheritance from his brother and I'll be buggered if that goes where it shouldn't. Also, my dad's ashes are in mum's wardrobe and I'm not keen on her deciding where they end up.

I am debating going round while he's there and speaking to them both together so I can be accused of anything underhand but steeling myself to actually do it is another matter altogether.

When I left earlier and said 'see you Thursday' she replied that I might see her tomorrow as she thinks something will happen (re him). I told her if that was the case she needed to find someone else to talk to.

I will be call screening from midday onwards as I am not engaging with it anymore.

I've been listening to a Dr Phil podcast and am pretty convinced she's a covert narcissist. If she won't change, I'll have to, and put stronger boundaries in place.

She is a textbook narc @mintycedric
Definitely
I sadly have experience of narcs in my wider family and am only too aware of the damage they can cause
Do you have POA?
What might "happen" tomorrow??

Yes there's a POA in place.

Tomorrow is just another of him coming and her going off into some delusional/paranoid fantasy land about what the future might be for their 'relationship'.

I've compared noted with her friend a couple of times since last week.

She thinks because he's read a text message on his mobile and smiled he's 'got another woman'.

She knows he's done several trips to the Far East in the past so she keeps checking his Messenger status and thinking he's on video calls to potential Thai brides in the middle of the night.

He changed his plans to go to his ex wife's big birthday bash because his kids want him there but she thinks he's getting back together with her.

None if it's grounded in reality or any of her business.

She drove off last week at speed while he was still in his car post visit doing paperwork and she was distraught that he hadn't called or messaged to find out why she was upset/if she was OK.

Anyway, he's off on leave next week so I expect she'll be begging him for reassurance tomorrow and he'll be putting the ball back in her court as per and I'll have 2 weeks of "he won't come back...how am I going to cope...I think I should stop him coming...you must have said something to the agency...but why don't you like him...your dad wanted me to meet someone else...don't you want me to be happy...it's not faaaaiiirr..." on a loop.

FMAL.

Yes boundaries are key with narcs
They will RAGE against you for putting them in place (sorry!) but for your own sanity you must.
I would be concerned about "L" grooming your mum to leave him her estate/assets.
I'd be getting advice from the police, honestly.

God, @MintyCedric you deserve a bloody medal 🏅

You do need to put boundaries in place because sadly the person that should protect you and care about you - in this case your mum - doesn't.

Narcs only care about themselves.

It took me quite a while to realise/accept that.

I will do my best for mum (and god knows you have for yours) but I have my line I won't cross.

Thos year has been horrendous for me health wise. 2 x 2 week cancer pathway referrals and yet another appointment in Thursday.

I'm just tired of feeling responsible for a grown woman. I've been dealing with her poor mh amd now poor physical health since I was 15.

I'm done.

As for L...I know I should report him but

It must be so frustrating that your DM has ended up with him in her life, complicating matters, but TBH I agree that reporting would just be opening up a whole new world of pain no one really wants to get involved in this sort of thing, they tend to view the reportée as the trouble maker, and you would just be asked for unrealistic levels of 'proof' as it's all so subjective. You could go through all that and nothing would change except there being even more bad feeling floating around.

We get the whole 'I'm going to change my will' thing on a regular basis but in our case it would be in favour of our DS, so easily manageable.

I don't know about your mum before or now, but it does seem that old age and cognitive decline tends to turn people into the most selfish, self-centred, malicious, un-self aware, ungrateful, spiteful creatures on the planet!

(And breathe...)

My mum was never much of a mum tbh
She shouldn't have had kids, really. She made it clear she hated every minute - unless it's my sainted brother of course.
The sad thing is her favouritism has continued into the next generation.

If it isn't about my brother or DN she isn't interested.

I'm going to go and do some cleaning for her tomorrow but if it gets too much she can pay someone to clean. She can afford it.

I arranged for someone from the local church to befriend her after dad died which has been good but she gets VERY annoyed when this lady doesn't phone or isn't available.

My suggestion of her getting in touch never goes down very well! 🤣 she finds it unacceptable that she should make an effort!

I'm just tired of feeling responsible for a grown woman. I've been dealing with her poor mh amd now poor physical health since I was 15.

Yep, I was about 8 when mine had a breakdown following the deaths of her DM and MIL. I remember running round to her friend's house in my nightie one Sunday afternoon when she took to her bed and started talking about going out and deliberately crashing the car, and dad didn't know what to do with her.

We were both walking on eggshells from then onwards. Not all the time by a long margin but if ever something threatened to rock the boat...

Apparently covert narcissism usually happens as a result of childhood trauma/neglect or over indulgence. In mum's case I think its a bit of both. She has a couple of really nasty experiences as a very young child, then her dad died when she was 13. It was just her and her mum by then and their relationship became very codependent for the next 25+ years.

The man she was with before my dad didn't ultimately choose her which probably added fuel to the fire.

Opal I can't get over how similar our mum's sound.

My mum was also ambivalent about having kids. Tbf she doted on me as a child, it was when I was old enough to have my opinions things got more problematic.

I know she lives me in her own way but she's just not mentally well and I can't fix that unfortunately.

The reasons are many I imagine.

My mum was brought up poor the youngest of 14 in rural Ireland. She has very little schooling which makes her HATE dealing with anyone in "authority". Dr's, teachers etc

It made my life quite hard growing up. 12 year old shouldn't have to make their own Dr appointments:(

She's just quite....hard of thinking. Has little common sense.

Dad and I were like a "tag team" with her.

But. Whatever their issues, we did not cause them and we deserved better treatment.

I found reading Toxic parents enlightening. My mum isn't a bad person. But she's an inadequate parent and like many people with mh issues they can only care about their own "sensitivities".