Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

It is hard. I currently have a lot of verbal support and thanks from my sister and brother, and it is much easier for me to do more as I'm closer and an HCP so at least understand some things about her situation. But when they are doing things and bombard me with frequent texts I am resentful - I do feel like they should be able to get on with things without me. And yet I would probably be upset of they did stuff I didn't agree with. Difficult all round.

Im also neglecting my FIL for my DM, it was his birthday yesterday and all he got was a card and a call the day before. He should have had a call, a visit, a present. It's very difficult.

Hello All

Back from the visit which was actually fine. A bit sad actually as she clearly didn't recognise me at one point.

We had the Dinky conversation and it became clear she was conflating a cat she had as a child with one she had in middle age. That got her talking about her childhood and her one close friend, who she had known from infant school, and I think her death speeded up Mum's cognitive decline - more so than the death of my father - she never talked about him again after he died. No idea what is going on in her mind though.

I've just said to a friend that hopefully I will be able to see her now as a frail elderly person and set the interpersonal stuff to one side.

Best that guilt / resentment cycle is very familiar. I found it helps to be really honest about how you feel, with people you trust. Alongside that it must be so sad for you to see her declining in that way.

Cockroach, all!
I’m edging nearer to selling DMs house, and it’s getting me down. It was my home too - but I know I need to move on.

I think DM despite her dementia has realised she’s not going home, so now she’s half eating tablets to save them up ( the home has changed her medication so she can’t do this), and is asking helpers to get her drugs so she can kill herself. Deep joy.

Has anyone got any counselling for oldies?

As an aside, I’m reading the book The Book about Getting Older, by Dr Lucy Pollock - I’m finding it quite helpful

Good luck with the sale Toofarout. Is your mum on antidepressants?

How are you doing @thesandwich?

Hello all and thanks @notaflyingmonkey for asking- surgery last thurs so home now and not feeling too bad except for pesky drain problems.
Hospital excellent. District nurses great.
And had to step back from dm- this seemed to be what it took. Carers doing well. I will try not to worry about her too much for a few days.
Can’t check in on everyone but sending you all much needed Teflon and gin🌺🌺

Glad to hear things went ok for you Sandwich. I hope that your recovery goes ok. You just need to put your DM to the back of your mind and get on with looking after yourself.

Pleased to read your update Sandwich and hoping your recovery continues to go well.

Sympathies and gin to those who want & need them. I'm taking DF home so he can "update his financial affairs". Last year, I packed for a week, but he'd finished in an hour. Yes, I drove 230 miles each way for an hour of faffing. I told him we have to be home on Thursday evening, which he has agreed to. His mail has been redirected to mine until 30th November, so he is going to hopefully fly home around then if I can sort that, then come back for Christmas. On the one hand he tells everyone how grateful he is to be here, then he moans like buggery about missing his friends and my DDs (both at uni). I can't win. Compared to others here, I'm pretty lucky. He is forgetful but whizzes through the Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword every day, so isn't too impaired.

Better go & check flights. Since the demise of Flybe, rather than 3 per day, it's 3 per week

Malbec DP reported this weekend that the Loganair service which replaced his normal FlyBe one to see MIL, was excellent.

Sadly Loganair don't fly to Exeter but I have heard good things about them. We now have Blue Islands who seem to be ok.

I'm at his flat now. He is a bit emotional at being home and has refused to do a video call with DD2 who wanted to discuss uni accommodation options for next year with me. He just shouted "hello, love you" to her, but she gets it, thankfully. We went to visit his sister and her DH who has dementia this morning. His DSis and I are both strong-minded and clash a lot but today I was on my best behaviour and we agreed on lots of things, so DF was in a good mood. We/I have sorted lots of things out that he simply couldn't have managed alone so he is even more grateful. I don't want money or thanks, I just want him to be happy and to understand what I am doing. He is now thinking that it's probably not worth coming home again before Christmas. Hoping the M6/M5 are clear tomorrow for the trip back to mine...

I have just been catching up on everyone else here. Lots of love to you @thesandwich. I hope the recovery goes well.

Mum has been in the home for three weeks now. While she was in isolation we visited every day but in the last week she has been out of her room so we have cut back to three times in the past week. I went to see her with my son on Friday. He hadn't seen her for six months. She didn't recognise him but in fairness to her, her sight is very poor and with the long hair, glasses and check shirt he did look a bit like my (female) cousin. The beard was a bit of a give away though!

She was terribly weepy at first. Crying that she misses us, misses her home. She has always spent her life surrounded by people who care about her and now they have all left her. So he and I held her hands and made lots of soothing noises and she eventually cheered up. The carers tell us she is easy going, very happy and very chatty with everyone around her.

The following day my uncle visited and she asked him to let me know she was feeling better. When my cousin and I went back to see her on Monday she was really happy. Normally we have to start warning her that we are leaving - "We'll have to be on our way in 15/10/5 minutes." But this time she decided after half an hour that her friends were waiting and she needed to join them!

It is so reassuring to read everyone's posts here. I have no experience of dementia before and it has come as a shock to me to see the unpleasant, bitter side of my mum coming to the fore. It is reassuring to know that it is the dementia and not her.

Cockroaches!

That sounds hopeful hairbrush. I'm really worried about my mum in a home, she is so solitary and private. But it may have to be, things are very different now. It's the calm before the storm.

I've just read about a woman who is caring for both her parents in their 90s, is next if kin for an aunt with dementia in her 80s and whose adult son has been very ill. If you are on this thread, cockroach to you.

Just thought I'd check in and say hello.

Glad the surgery went well sandwich hope you're continuing to recover well.

hairbrush it's lovely to hear your mum has ultimately settled in so well and is making friends...that must be such a weight off for you.

Permanent I can't imagine my mum in a home...she would just rub everyone up the wrong way. She went to look at sheltered flats last week and has had the house valued off the back of that although she didn't like the particular development.

toofar I'm sorry your mum isn't coping so well. Mine quite regularly mentions suicide, as did my dad during his deterioration. I don't have any concerns that mum would act on it but of course it's very hard to hear.

Unfortunately having consulted the GP a couple of times there is nothing they can give her in the way of ADs as all of then are contraindicated with one or other of the plethora of other meds.

I'm staying at mums tonight. There were undercurrents of drama with L when I spoke to her on the phone last night so hoping that isn't going to be a theme.

I've also got to be the news that the online on course I'm doing week after next isn't a dip in and out thing, but 9-4 Mon-Fri which I'm sure will go down like a lead balloon.

Took DM for her booster today. Have to say the staff were fantastic. I mentioned to the security guard that I’d need a wheelchair and he said - ‘No problem, they’ll come out to the car to give her the jab’ And they did, in terrible wind and rain. And made a real fuss of her. Lovely people.

hairbrush that sounds really positive. BestIsWest that's really good to read.

I'm back home with DF. I'm not sure why but he is exhausted. I have driven almost 500 miles in 3 days and he has just sat in the car. He has decided that he doesn't want to go home at the end of November. He asked if we could go back to that nice man in the Post Office to continue the mail redirection from his home to mine. Fine, except there was no nice man. I did it online...

We got home. The heavens opened a few minutes before we arrived. There was no food in the house and DH after 3 days home alone CBA to do any shopping. So off I went through the floodwater to Lidl. Got back soaked to the skin with DF's stuff & food for the next few days to see him sitting in his armchair almost in tears. I need to explain that there was a power outage in the early hours of Tuesday morning, before we headed north.

Me: "what's up dad?".
DF: "The computer is broken. I can't turn it on or anything. I'm so fed up & stressed."
Me; "Oh dear. Well I'll google a solution in a minute. Let me just see if I can do anything."
I pressed the switch on the back & the bloody thing turned on. I kid you not.
DF: "How on earth did you manage that? You're a genius."
Me: "Dad, I just turned it on."
DF "Well I tried for an hour and couldn't do it."
Is this grounds to invoke the PoA? Asking not entirely in jest

If you’re seriously asking about the PoA - the financial one can be written either so it can be used while he has capacity, in which case no problem, or only when he lacks capacity. And lacking capacity is not all or nothing, it’s on a decision by decision basis, and can vary day to day.

By the way, if he is losing his marbles, he’ll find it a lot more comfortable to blame the computer than come face to face with his declining faculties.

Just sitting in the car is tiring, I don’t know why. DH and I have a regular trip where we share the driving, I drive there in the morning, he drives home. And when we get home, I’m nearly as tired as he is.

Is this grounds to invoke the PoA? Asking not entirely in jest

I wouldn't have thought so (grimaces bitterly) but you could invoke it if your DF agreed and was happy to let you handle his affairs. This would be by far the best option for you, if you can persuade him.

Otherwise you will need a medical diagnosis of incapacity, which I understand is pretty difficult to get.

PS I agree about long journeys, I actually feel more tired when DH drives and I'm the passenger, than when I'm driving! I think it's because I'm silently back seat driving but have no control.

We are off up to London to see DS this weekend 🎉 and have told MIL we are going so won't be able to help her. It will be interesting to see what evil deeds we can commit in her home when we sneak in at night when we are 250 miles away .

Our latest sins are: DH has hidden and/or destroyed some old family photographs, Me, I have changed her Tesco online password "on the 24 of September!"

Me: that wasn't me B, I haven't done any online shopping with you for over a year, it was probably V (neighbour) and her friend when they came to help you

MIL: continues to rant, without stopping or bothering to listen to any reply

By the way, if he is losing his marbles, he’ll find it a lot more comfortable to blame the computer than come face to face with his declining faculties.

That sounds scarily familiar .

Malbec I really hope you manage to have a rest today and over the weekend.

I stayed at Mums last night, as did DD. Absolute nightmare.

Had to explain to her for the trillionth time that someone (guess who ) can have a green dot but their name on FB showing they are active but that doesn't mean they are sat in front of a screen, merely that they have left the app/window open.

Then we got into a debate about how many hours I would be spending with her now we've come to this arrangement about me giving up work (which she was 100% on board with when I gave my notice in, but is now backtracking on as 'all my friends think it's a terrible idea...'). Interesting on multiple levels as she's continually claiming she has 'no-one'.

I initially wrote down a timetable, told her I was happy to make changes week on week according to when she needa me.

Apparently I'm dictating everything so it suits me but not her. I've already agreed to come on afternoons two days a week rather than the mornings which I would have preferred. Last night I asked her at least five times 'when do you need me next week?', all she's done is get angry and hysterical and rant about the timetable (which was four weeks ago and hasn't been referred to by me since).

She is basically unhappy/angry if I priotitize anything in my life, including daughter, work, pets that isn't her, and don't get me started on her reactions if I have the temerity to see a friend.

At the same time she keeps moaning about money and the agreement that she'll help me out financially for a few months, but she won't commit to any arrangements that allow me to make plans for when I can work.

Aaaarrrgghhhh!!!

Minty so what if she's unhappy if you spend time with someone other than her? You can't make any plans because she won't commit in terms of time or financial support, she doesn't want you to see anyone but her. If this was a bloke we'd be telling you this was an abusive relationship and LTB.

It's not your job to make her happy, you are not her entertainments manager. She can get out of the house and meet people if she wants and if she doesn't want then she can stop in by herself.

Is there any chance of bereavement counselling for her? It might help and it would get her out of the house without you.

Is there any chance of bereavement counselling for her? It might help and it would get her out of the house

I'm trying to get her to look into it, as has the GP but not getting anywhere. She really does need help on that front.

It became abundantly clear this morning that that is definitely what she needs. When she calms down its easier to see the scared, lonely elderly woman who can't quite see a way to move forward.

But have said to her I can't fix this...I can support and help but she needs to help herself, and also to dial back her expectations.

I was round from 10 - 3 Monday, she had friends round Tues afternoon, L for 3+ hours Wednesday, a neighbour in yesterday morning then me from 2.30pm yesterday until 12pm today, plus DD from 8pm last night.

She's had lengthy phonecalls with 3 friends/relatives (and another this morning) and two visits from a very sweet and chatty estate agent...but it's never enough.

She was sobbing this morning because she'll be on her own from midday today until middayish Sunday. She will have at least 3 phonecalls during that time, she drives, she has a smart TV and I've set her up with access to my Netflix account and made her a watch list of stuff she'll like, she can manage the internet.

It's just insane.

If this was a bloke we'd be telling you this was an abusive relationship and LTB.

When I went for counselling after leaving my controlling XH, the therapist said "I can see how you ended up in that type of relationship..."

Oh my God Minty. She has a better social life than me. As you say, quite clear that there's an unfulfillable need there. I'm really sorry, I've forgotten if she's officially or unofficially struggling cognitively.

@PermanentTemporary

Unofficially struggling atm but she showed me a meme on FB this morning and said 'that's exactly how I feel'. I can't remember exactly what it said but I did wondered if she's developing some awareness of things slipping.

She's always been maniacally houseproud. We had the estate agent round with a photographer this morning, and when I was pottering around getting up I noticed loads of small things...cobwebs, dust on door etchings etc that she would normally have noticed. The fact she wasn't running around flapping like a cleaning demon also isn't like her at all.

That aside I haven't noticed much else recently. She's on it with all the family/friends birthdays and has been managing her online shopping OK. Drove a 10 mile round trip to the dentist last week.

From those hours Minty, it sounds like your DM is your new full time job?