Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

The trick is learning not to mind

Indeed. Mostly I don't, and find a certain black comedy in the situation. But few people are permanently robust, and when the Teflon is permeated, it can still hurt.

You're right though. She has always been a moaner.

No point in expecting that to change at this late stage. But the web is so tangled that a tiny piece of me does. It's impossible to rationalise or explain really.

Words I think Teflon is what you need. Start observing her as if she's a laboratory rat, and rehearse in your head how you are going to weave it into an amusing narrative for the Cafe.

My version goes

(Cheerily) How are you?

What?

How are you?

Say that again

How Are You?

I'm sorry I didn't hear a word of that.

Much gesticulating later ...

"How am I? I didn't sleep last night. They will keep coming and disturbing me. ..."

And goes on with gems like "There was a carer in yesterday, and she popped out and said "I'll be back in a minute" but she didn't come back because she had been eaten by a man-eating shark"

"Did you get my message about Cartel taking over the freehold without the freeholder knowing and taking them to Court for non-payment of ground rent, and Bankrupting them and putting them in Prison for Contempt of Court? Did you understand it? Did it make sense to you? (Just how am I expected to answer that one )

All with a very slow delivery so it can be 5 mins before we get to the end of the sentence.

But he really likes my visits, and perversely I like them if they're not too frequent nor too long (an hour once a week I can cope with) for the glimpses of the father I know, and because he's just so nice to those around him.

Ignore my first sentence - crossposted.

I guess it's easier for me as it's my MIL - my mother was relatively straight forward to deal with - but the situation with MIL has totally knocked the stuffing out of DH, he is finding it harder to deal with each day and it's a constant drain on his emotional energy.

I suspect that it's because you have to do this stuff, you can't not do it, even though it will change nothing.

I do sympathise strongly though.

We have heard nothing from MIL for several days, and she seems to have gone very quite in her online communications with others too. The advice from adult social care was to back right off and wait for a crisis to trigger the next stage of intervention!

Maybe that's the best thing to do, but common humanity makes you want to see if she's ok, check if she needs any shopping or a prescription re ordered, or how is she coping with her Covid booster/ flu jab, even if you get slapped down for it.

@TonTonMacoute

That must be so tough. I genuinely don't believe that people who have never had to deal with this kind of thing understand the mental and emotional impact.

My mum is constantly telling me that I'm not doing enough whilst I feel I'm giving way more than should be reasonably expected...that constant pressure alone is draining without the rest of it.

Mere your Dad sounds so lovely and not unlike mine. We had some cracking random conversations over the last 6 months of his life and he was just so easy to be around 99% of the time.

I try not to think of the possibility that mum will also have a long drawn out decline and...well, I just can't tbh. She just wouldn't cope (I mean, even worse than now ).

I spoke to my former boss today and she's currently dealing with 3/4 parents/inlaws with dementia of some variety. Doesn't bear thinking about.

I don't like visiting, mum can't hear me but that doesn't matter much when she can't understand me either. "Where are your shoes?" Put the hankie in your pocket" are too complicated. Her face lights up when she sees me but an hour after I've left, I've never been. We've nothing to talk about, she can't remember what she had for lunch, can't remember waking up in the morning, can't remember how many children she had. I find it really distressing, I usually have nightmares the night before and I'm wobbly for an hour afterwards.

I've decided that I'm going to visit once a week rather than twice. I'm seeing MIL once a week as her daughter and brother can't get and I'm working my way through mum's house at least once a week. (See - I'm having to justify this to myself.) The reality is that I'd rather lose one night's sleep than two. Before the fall mum was confused and repetitive but she was still the same person she'd always been. Since then she is a stranger, there's not so much as a flash of her former self.

My DM always gets chatty just as I am ready to leave.

That feeling of not ever doing enough whilst tying yourself in knots to do the whatever is souldestroying. I've given up jobs to pootle home for weeks on end and no-one actually remembers or indeed registered that I did that, only that I live too far away.

Anyway, I have a day of ferrying to do tomorrow. My lovely DH has actually offered to go instead, which was appreciated. Loins girded!

OK Knot that's really sad,but you've still got a fair bit on your plate and in the nicest possible way it doesn't sound like the second visit is benefitting anyone.

I've reduced my visits which were weekly when she was at home, devouring 25 to 50 per cent of every single weekend, to monthly or a bit longer since restrictions were lifted.

She managed for many months without my visits during lockdown. I absolutely blossomed with relief during this time, and you have seen the kind of tragi- comic thing that happens when I do visit, so I feel no guilt.

Her needs are met, and she is safe.

I am so over this lark. My lovely Dad was much older, and so I've had this responsibility of aging parents consecutively for almost 20 years now. He was a delight to visit, even with impaired cognition at the end, and his face would light up when he saw me.

We have been having a major sort out at home , mainly due to moving in 9 years ago , and still having boxes just stored and not unpacked.
Literally hundreds of books have either gone to the charity shop or given to a 2nd hand bookseller.
Lots of clothes have also gone to the charity shop.
My mum died 8 years ago , and although I sorted her house , a few obligatory boxes took up residence here. Today I've sorted them, shredded all her paperwork / probate paperwork and even thrown away a handbag of hers that included her front door keys. Oh and chucked out her address book. Today has been a big day for me.

knot Yes, do cut it to once a week. Yes, you are giving her a flash of pleasure, but not one that she'll remember she had. It must be so depressing, I know how lovely it is when the man in the armchair in front of me reminds me of the father I once knew.

Yes you do have to justify it to yourself. You need to have a firm foundation against things that catch you unawares.

My DM always gets chatty just as I am ready to leave Classic "I don't want you to go" tactic, isn't it? My Dad's been doing it for at least 10 years.

Well done Autumn I can quite understand having boxes that haven't been touched for 9 years.

Dad got taken to hospital just after lunch. No news yet.
MIL got taken to hospital late afternoon, ambulance queuing outside A&E.
Minor accident in a car park involving a hysterical man. Need a magnifying glass to see possible damage.
On 2nd glass of wine.

Oh dear Country that all sounds v stressful.

We are thinking of making a family hospital tour 2021 t-shirt. Both BILs have also had life threatening (not covid) problems this year, BIL1s issues are chronic, and DS1s partner had a hysterectomy at 30. We could have 9 hospitals listed band tour style.
Dad will have to stay in overnight regardless as DB usually picks him up and he has covid. If I got a call now snd hadn't had wine it would be well gone midnight before I got home and it's not happening after a busy week at work and having to go to parents a couple of evenings to.sort heating (again) and drugs for next week.

Oh no @countrygirl99 . That sounds so stressful.
I LOVE the T shirt idea. That made me chuckle

Apparently the hospital phoned FIL at 4am to askwhy she was there. MIL has no verbal communication. Shouldn't that have been noted when she arrived?

Oh good Lord countrygirl. Sometimes basic care and logic deserts them.

#permanent# FIL had gone with her in the ambulance because of her communication issues. He left at 11pm by which time she had had bloods taken and an x-ray!

The dog walkers in the park have anecdotal tales of elderly care units local to us having so few members of staff available for shift that it’s all getting so chaotic. I can see in my DM’s care home there are fewer staff cars in the car park. (Rubbish public transport links so it’s not that they are commuting.) I’d be surprised if this situation isn’t similar everywhere in the UK. My DSis brought a flask of boiling water and a sleeve of hot chocolate drinks with her to ensure when she was in mum’s room, my DM could get a hot drink. No longer can you pop to the kitchen and prepare one. I don’t see any improvements coming along any time soon

Yes my mother was discharged to a step down nursing home bed the Friday before last and fell twice in 48 hours. 2 trips back to hospital. I don't now think my mother was at all suitable for that environment then but also they just on the bones of their arses for staff.

SILs DM who has vascular dementia has been discharged from her lovely care home into the local NHS trust’s dementia unit because they simply didn’t have enough staff to cope with her any longer.

DM is still struggling with her hip after falling and it has really knocked her back. X-ray shows no fracture but she’s been crying with the pain. She can just about shuffle around the house. I’ve spoken to the GP three times, we’ve spoken to the physio over the phone and all they recommend is painkillers, heat pads and gentle exercise. She’s asked me to phone the GP again tomorrow but I’m at a loss what to do next. Doesn’t help that her friend who is a doom monger at the best of times keeps telling me of people having fractures missed on xrays.

I just feel so sorry for her but I also feel guilty and resentful and ashamed that I feel resentful. She is still grieving terribly for DF. They used to be such active people, involved in local sports and politics, always off on holidays, loads of friends, a great social life. And now this. But otoh, at least she has had that. She keeps saying she wants to be with DF.

The Alzheimer's Society have announced that the system for dementia patients to receive home care is on its knees, which means people are going into care homes earlier than necessary, thus shifting the problem to another part of the sector.

Successive governments have failed to properly address this issue because they know that families cannot (and wouldn't want to) abandon their olds and so will be forced to take up the slack, whatever the massive emotional burden on other members of the family.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2021/10/23/home-care-system-elderly-dementia-knees/

Went to DM's today to take her for her booster jab. Funny smell when I walked in - she's nuked the microwave I suspect by heating something in foil.

I was lucky to have been away on holiday, but her fridge was completely bare because between them DB and DD didn't really cover the stuff that I do, despite me leaving lists of shopping to get. They both checked with DM what she wanted, and were told nothing. I think everyone was just waiting for me to get back because apparently I'm the only one that can look in the fridge/cupboards to see what she needs.

To be fair to my SIL she does DMs shopping every week and DB mows the lawn once a week but everything else is left to me. DM has a booster appointment this week and I am in work meetings all day. Bracing myself to as DB if he or SIL can take her. I know DBS answer will be ‘I can’t take time off work’. But it’s ok for me to use up my leave.