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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

961 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/06/2021 22:26

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 30/10/2021 17:55

Oh Minty that sounds completely suffocating and claustrophobic. To have so much demanded from you and yet that still not to be enough must completely sap all energy and morale.

The feeling that things are slipping away must be frightening, but god it’s hard to feel sympathy sometimes. One of the last sensible things MIL said to me was ‘I think a care home is inevitable now, I can feel it’, it was very shortly after that that all the weird phone calls and accusations started, and since that time she has absolutely refused to acknowledge that there is anything wrong.

We had seen signs of slippage from 5 or 6 years ago, becoming more obvious as time went on, but whether it would have helped to confront this issue with her earlier I have no idea.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 30/10/2021 18:10

She was sobbing this morning because she'll be on her own from midday today until middayish Sunday. When I've been depressed that would have me sobbing too. When you don't know how you can get through the next hour, 24 hours seems interminable. Not your problem though. No-one can sort it for her. She just has to learn to take it 10mins at a time. Keep giving herself little tasks which nibble through the time then watch really bad films until she falls asleep.

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MintyCedric · 31/10/2021 00:05

Mere it's yet another example of how totally different me and mum are.

I've suffered from depression since my early 20s, but generally I'm like a cat or a wild animal...I'd rather slink away and deal with it on my own.

But...I have lots of hobbies and interests to distract me...mum just refuses to engage with anything.

thesandwich · 31/10/2021 09:39

Morning all. Still catching up post op so a bit weedy and haven’t seen dm for two weeks.
DB meant to visit today but dm put them off. So instead dh will go up with a list of things to do and we’ll do a challenge anneka on the contents of fridge/ food cupboards via FaceTime……
minty sending 🌺🌺
Cockroach all!!

HellonHeels · 31/10/2021 10:12

Oh my Minty I do feel for you. My mum gets like this and it gives me utter rage. The saving grace.for me is that she's on the other side of the world and restricted to phone calls.

Sounds like you need some really strict boundaries in there and not let her suffocate you. I feel panicky just reading about it. Solidarity!

MintyCedric · 31/10/2021 11:54

Thanks @HellonHeels

Mum had a breakdown of sorts when I was about 7, so I've spent my whole life with an awareness of mental health issues and had my fair share of my own, but I've always worked so hard to not let them get the better of me.

I know it's probably unfair of me but I just get so frustrated and impatient with the fact she will not help herself.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 31/10/2021 12:54

@MintyCedric

Mere it's yet another example of how totally different me and mum are.

I've suffered from depression since my early 20s, but generally I'm like a cat or a wild animal...I'd rather slink away and deal with it on my own.

But...I have lots of hobbies and interests to distract me...mum just refuses to engage with anything.

Yes, when my dad lost my mum, and suddenly was no longer a full time carer, he deliberately set out to fill his time, volunteering as an engineer at a local industrial museum, joining a couple of campaigning societies, going to scientific lectures. But there was no point in suggesting anything like that to your mum, who doesn’t appear to have an interest base to sustain her.

I have boundless admiration for anyone who can sort grieving or depression for themselves. I’m like your mum in that respect, but at least I am aware of my state of mental health and willing to seek professional help.

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notaflyingmonkey · 31/10/2021 14:54

I am at war with DM's mouse, which DD saw in her kitchen this week. Today I gave her kitchen a decent clean, and encouraged her to go and clean her bathroom while I was there (it was rank) which surprisingly she did. Whereas I would usually sneak off to clean up I have decided I am not going to play along with her suggestion that she isn't incontinent, she has pads but says she doesn't need them. I know this is harsh, but I really need her to face up to the consequences of her refusal.

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 31/10/2021 17:12

I remember my mother seeing a black beetle running into her cooker - I've never seen anything stripped down to its component parts quite so quickly Grin

I was very "robust" with my father and the smell in the bathroom. He took it very well and changed his behaviour accordingly.

OP posts:
Snowsquonk · 31/10/2021 20:38

So, today we moved my mil into her care home. It was ok. The staff are really lovely. She was a little bewildered at times but seems happy with her room and amazed that staff are there 24 hours a day.

We now have to clear her flat of belongings and furniture, spruce it up and market it, the thought of which is a bit much right now but there's no hurry and she's so much safer where she is tonight.

PermanentTemporary · 31/10/2021 21:05

Wow snowsquonk. I don't know if you drink Wine - I can't cope with alcohol atm - but if you do, tonight might be the night. What a day.

MintyCedric · 01/11/2021 14:37

Mum's again....she's sobbing hysterically over L again...

Says she's decided she has to get rid if him but can't cope with the idea of actually doing it. Begging me not to get involved...doesn't want to engage with counselling...can't take ADs.

WTAF am I supposed to do with her?

Mum5net · 01/11/2021 14:50

Minty Many of us have parents behaving like toddlers. Your DM is a whole different ball game. She's more like a teen. Can you just say, Break Ups are hard and the right one will come along for you soon. Then offer to take her shopping. Grin

AutumnWreath · 01/11/2021 15:16

Minty , is she saying he is her bf ?

MintyCedric · 01/11/2021 15:33

@AutumnWreath

She knows they're not in an actual relationship but she 'can't help her feelings' for him.

Of course the fact he's done nothing to discourage them and has actively encouraged her on a few occasions doesn't help.

MintyCedric · 01/11/2021 15:34

@Mum5net...I have fewer problems with my 17yo.

notaflyingmonkey · 01/11/2021 16:07

You aren't responsible for her Minty, so personally I would back away.

I realised earlier that in my hallway I had a bag of sweets for trick or treaters, and a bag containing poison sachets to aid in the intended demise of DM's mouse. Good job I stayed off the gin or that could have been an interesting take on trick or treat.

thesandwich · 01/11/2021 20:23

Good newssnow.
minty as others say, you can’t fix your dm. Back away. She will consume you.
nota oh heavens! Good luck with the mouse catching……

MintyCedric · 02/11/2021 13:26

I've finally made a start on An Extra Pair of Hands by Kate Mosse which I was anticipating disliking intensely due to her pov being somewhat ivory tower in comparison to us mere mortals.

Am only 4 chapters in and really impressed. She acknowledges her advantages and has clearly done her research into the bigger picture.

It's certainly making me angry...but with our society and our politicians rather than the author.

PermanentTemporary · 02/11/2021 14:07

@notaflyingmonkey what a movie that would be!! 'This year... Trick or Treat fights back...'

TonTonMacoute · 02/11/2021 14:43

Well, there has been a quite drastic change in MIL's behaviour, for the better thank god, and we think that the GP has managed to get her to take some anti-anxiety medication. Several of our contacts in both adult social care and the dementia team had said that medication would help a lot, but weren't sure she would take it as she was in denial about her condition and wasn't cooperating that well.

She had gone a bit quiet recently and was doing a lot less on social media, but we have now had a couple of almost "normal" conversations with her! She is very rambly and quite vague but it is now possible to ask her if she needs anything and to actually help her without being ranted at and accused of all sorts of crimes and misdemeanours.

We cannot think of any other explanation. We know we still have a hard journey ahead of us but it just makes life so much easier. I could weep with relief.

PermanentTemporary · 02/11/2021 16:52

Oh TonTon what amazing news! Thats a brilliant change. Long may it last.

My dm is making regular breaks to get out of hospital now and is having to be put under a DOLS. She's physically much better. Fingers crossed I can get her to a nursing home this week.

OnthePiste · 02/11/2021 18:16

Great news @TonTonMacouteved. Long may it continue!

MintyCedric · 03/11/2021 10:32

Great new @TonTonMacoute ...I wish they could give my mum something. She was reluctant anyway but lengthy discussions with GP have concluded in the fact that the meds she's on for everything else preclude every AD going Confused.

Had her on the phone last night, much calmer. She had had a long chat with her best friend M, who has suggested that if she can just get her head around enjoying L's visits and not expecting anything else, all should be fine.

Of course M doesn't get the hysterical late night phonecalls or the 4am texts saying she feels like driving to his house and confronting him, or killing herself. I am quite tempted to email M screen shots of the above so she can see what I'm dealing but recent conversations with mum indicate she is just keen to tellher what she wants to hear, even if it means undermining me in the process so imagine it would get back to mum and I'd be the bad guy.

I know on paper it's easy to see what the right thing to do is (report him), but I'm just not sure I can cope with the fallout.

I don't think there's anything I can do to help her anyway as she's so determined to make her own (damaging) decisions and retain control of everything.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 03/11/2021 11:59

Wow @MintyCedric I don't know how you manage to get up each morning.

@thesandwich hope you are building up your strength and feeling a bit better.

Mum seems to be settling more in the past 10 days or so. My cousin and I went to see her on Monday. She was full of enthusiasm for a particular nurse who happened to walk through the dining room while we were there. She introduced yus as "My wonderful niece and my sister." Her sister died 12 years ago. I don't know if she actually thought I was her sister or if she forgot the word for daughter. We did correct her but she didn't acknowledge it. I am definitely persona non grata. No matter who she is talking to she focusses on my cousin the whole time and doesn't look at me.

I'm not sure what is worse - when she is lucid and appears normal or when she is off the planet and doesn't know where she is.

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