Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks all. My DF is 86 and mostly amazing (just helped by shovelling all the grass I cut into the compost bins) but is increasingly forgetful & keeps repeating the same old things. He is the only grandparent my DDs have left. He dotes on them & misses them when they are at uni. I am working p/t and trying to spend my days off with him whilst he can still remember and enjoy the time, but it is relentless. I really feel for those of you in a worse position, especially @TonTonMacoute

DF lives alone in a flat 230 miles away with a great circle of friends and his DSis and DB nearby. However, he spent from March 2020 to April 2021 with us other than a couple of weeks in July 2020. He gets on well with my neighbours but it's not quite the same as having his friends around. When my DDs are home from uni, the load is shared, but they are both back now (and I don't for a moment begrudge them that). I have a sister who is completely bonkers, who lives abroad and makes out that she is the most caring person. She is also a conspiracy theorist, anti-vaxer and flat earther, so there is no reasoning with her. DF wants to be fair to both of us, but for the last 19 months, I have borne the brunt of the work. She bleats from the sidelines about how hard done by she is. I could go on but won't.

Oh @Malbecfan that sounds like an excelkent advert for only childhood!

I spoke to my mum this evening and she acknowledged for the first time I think...that I have helped her over the last 18 months.

I promptly burst into tears, and once the call was finished spent another 20 minutes sobbing to my best mate about pretty much everything.

I thought I was fine until last week, now I'm realising very rapidly how much I was internalising and needed this time off to myself.

Really good news hairbrush, for all of you.

TonTon that sounds very harsh, I hope you can detach to protect yourself. I don’t think people with dementia are simply saying what they always secretly thought – they are in a different world.

Minty I have the same dynamic with my Mum, she didn’t want to be on her own and I have always wanted to be on my own (which is not the same thing as lonely – I’m never lonely). No-one can really solve someone else’s inner loneliness, even if they want to and many daughters like us spend a lot of time trying before we learn. Glad yours is actually acknowledging your help, however lukewarm she is.

Toofar I feel for you with the house clearing job it’s something that’s always waiting for adult children and everyone has to go through that sad discovery of what’s now past. Exception being my DM who has seemingly Swedish Death Cleaned the house – she could have done that as a job: Death Cleaner has vacancies – reasonable rates.

Thank you for the sunroom Dint, I have brought a small wicker lounge chair to go in it.

DM is bobbing along in the care home, it’s reached a kind of stasis now and I’m decompressing a bit. Am travelling a few hundred miles every month to see her – sometimes for a few days, sometimes just a weekend - have been taking friends with me and we’re going to take her out next time. I don’t know how her mild cognitive impairment i.e. early dementia will progress and what her sense of time is like or how her enjoyment of things will go. I’m really busy as it’s term time but my god it’s nothing like before the care home. It may only have saved her physically but it’s certainly saved me mentally.

@BinaryDot

It's a weird one isn't it? Mum was great when I was a kid but as soon as I was old enough to seek independence and have my own opinions things went sideways.

She's always been a great help practically (and financially ) and she does have her moments, but I guess as an adult Dad was more my emotional support parent. I could tell him anything and he didn't give me the third degree/judge/try to fix anything, just listened and comforted and let me figure stuff out in my own time and way.

Mum will be "well if you just..." and "you know what you want to do..." (yes, and it's not what you're about to tell me).

She is also of the Swedish Death Cleaning persuasion...perhaps there is a type?!

Oh, binary, that is so kind of you!

minty when I was off work with stress, I went from being permanently anxious and depressed, but functioning, to being a sobbing heap on the floor. I think that once the pressure is released, you can let out all sorts of feelings that have been suppressed. You feel that you’re getting worse not better, but actually it’s the first stage of healing

Welcome all, there's plenty of room for everyone.

Hairbrush I'm glad to hear that there is some progress. I feel guilty if I haven't seen mum twice a week but the visits are for my benefit not hers. I didn't see her for over a week because I was ill and she didn't notice. She still knows my name but I'm not convinced that she knows I'm her daughter.

Dot my life has changed since mum moved into a care home and as MIL started zigzagging between hospital and home and finally care home at the same time I've ended up with no caring responsibilities. The joy of doing just my own shopping!

MIL is putting some weight back on because she wasn't interested in eating when she was at home and mum is wearing clean clothes and gets a shower on a regular basis (she genuinely believed she'd showered that morning although the spider webs called that one). I really wish that both of them had been able to see that they weren't coping and moved six months earlier before they had declined so much but we can't change the past. It was their choice to make and they chose to trudge on.

I have to organise a visit out because I need to have mum's signature witnessed. Her pension provider likes to know that she's still alive and the witness can't be a member of care home staff. I think it's easier to take mum out than to get a witness in.

I have started clearing mum's house but I'm starting with things that should have gone twenty years ago - the dried up bottles in the outhouse, the not-spicy spices, the leaking tins at the back of the shelf.

I'm just trying to catch up with everyone's situation, so apologies if I'm not there yet.

BinaryDot that sounds much better for, although still quite a large commitment. I hope you continue to decompress.

Knotaknitter you're dealing with DM and DMIL?! Wow.....

DM has had an awful night in hospital and I've been absolutely furious about it. She has COPD, heart failure and kidney failure, as well as suffering the effects from several brain aneurysms 11 years ago. They have her on diuretics but have removed her catheter so she needs the loo a lot. They keep her waiting for the commode, and then leave her stuck there for ages! She spent most of last night absolutely freezing cold, and sat up wide awake because of it. She's been made to feel like complete nuisance by the over night nursing staff.

Anyway, the care package will be in place very shortly and we should be able to bring her home tomorrow.

Malbecfan your DF sounds very much like my DF, although mine can't do anything too physical due to a crumbling spine. Otherwise, literally the same - repeating things, forgetting words etc etc.

Oh, your poor DM sasparilla, that's terrible. The worship of our brave NHS heroes is often stretched to breaking point when you have an elderly parent in hospital.

How is she now sasparilla?

My mum isn't well and although that's not great, at least I know for sure that her being back somewhere near me was the right decision. It's probably only a bug but I don't think she's eaten or drunk for 24 hours or so, obviously didn't tell anyone or answer the phone but then she's quite confused this morning, it's just lucky that I was coming over for my visit whatever her response or lack of. The rest of my weekend is shot to pieces and I need to find a bit of emergency care I think.

@TonTonMacoute

MIL hates us, really deeply despises and dislikes us (or so her condition makes her think).

I know that often Alzheimer's sufferers do become violent, and this a sort of emotional violence, and I was wondering if anyone else had experienced such a harsh rejection by a parent?

I am going through this with DM. She accused me and DP of wanting to go round to her house and stab her. All because we tried to help her buy a new fridge, which she badgered me for help with all day.

I am actually sickened by this. I am not in great health myself, I have a DS, what if she went to the police and they actually believed her? She has brothers and is having a weird emotional affair with her married exbf from 30 years ago and she never ever accused them of anything, it is only ever me. I have never done anything bad to her, but I have certainly witnessed her be violent to an ex so I would worry about her attacking my husband or my DS. I wish I had emigrated years ago.

I have to organise a visit out because I need to have mum's signature witnessed. Her pension provider likes to know that she's still alive and the witness can't be a member of care home staff. I think it's easier to take mum out than to get a witness in. They’d have trouble with my dad! His fine motor control has gone. It’s been two years since he’s been able to do anything resembling a signature.

I’m wrestling with clearing dad’s house. It’s not actually his, and my son is squatting in it at the moment. But I’m struggling with the morality of chucking out dad’s stuff while he’s still alive. All logic says he’ll never need it, he’ll never know it’s gone, but still…

knot I remember clearing parents’ kitchen I think when mum was still alive - it was easy then - start with everything whose price was still in £sd

@TonTonMacoute

Oh, your poor DM sasparilla, that's terrible. The worship of our brave NHS heroes is often stretched to breaking point when you have an elderly parent in hospital.

How well you phrased that!

I still remember the lack of sympathy when I wet the bed the night after a caesarian.

@SinisterBumFacedCat I don’t think there’s any real worry that the police would believe her. But there’s logic in trying to step back if it’s only you and your dp she has these fantasies about. For her sake as well as yours

I'm sorry to see everyone is still having to cope with yet more of the same.

Sasparilla that's awful. I hope things improved and that maybe you've got her home by now. I know there's an infection risk with catheters but it still absolutely baffles me just how reluctant medical professionals are to use them in even the most extreme circumstances.

Sinister that sounds terrifying. I agree with Mere about withdrawing a bit, and at a minimum (I know thus sounds dramatic but thinking of the safeguarding training I've done over several years) make sure none of you are ever alone with her.

My mum has had another meltdown over the bloody carer...messages to me at gone midnight, 4am and 5am Fri night in state, talking about driving over to his house or killing herself.

He's accused her of nuisance calling him via FB messenger and said if it continues he'll have to block her. Now, she has been calling him in that she's been hitting the call button and hanging off but it's genuinely been accidental.

Her ability with tech is dramatically diminishing, she has diabetic neuropathy in her hands and feet and her tablet is hyper sensitive (I was trying to look into what was happening yesterday and managed to call him by accident myself ).

So I need to see if there's a way to disable the call function in messenger. I have told her it would be better if they blocked and deleted one another anyway and she would still have his work mobile number, but she 'can't bear' to do that .

I've reached the point tbh when I'm slightly detaching from thinking of her as my mum. She not emotionally able to parent and I suspect things will only get worse. It's very sad but actually makes it easier to manage in some ways.

Oh God tech is scary. Maybe deinstall messenger?? But tbh him blocking her sounds sensible.

My mum went to hospital in an ambulance at 5am as she fell twice and was speaking gibberish. Can't get an answer from A&E and it's worrying. When I'm on that ward I do feel like I'm the only person who picks up the phone... going to try after ward round.

I will be honest and say it's actually a relief that because of Covid I can't go to hospital with her- a relief to be able to come home and have a shower and wait for them to call me (and to find my son has a girl staying over for I think the first time...)

I am going to withdraw, again. I have had this before and she rings me later pretending nothing has happened but still alluding to my “sensitiveness and becoming upset”. I have sent an email to the wonderful males in her life who she endlessly gushes about listing all the various problems she has pushed on me over the last few weeks that need sorting, but I haven’t been able to sort because she likes to find ways of tying my hands behind my back when I am mid sort. The things I did manage to sort she will not acknowledge or leave me out of pocket. The men, like my uncle, are so wonderful that they ignore phone calls over weeks, whereas I had 11 calls on Friday and answered 10 of them. She will be much much happier without me in her life, the last time I walked away from her she didn’t even acknowledge my absence to anyone else. She will just have to start using other people who will expect things in return whereas I haven’t.

I've reached the point tbh when I'm slightly detaching from thinking of her as my mum. She not emotionally able to parent and I suspect things will only get worse. It's very sad but actually makes it easier to manage in some ways.

This is exactly where DH is. His DM has been replaced by this raving stranger who says the most vicious things to us and is totally convinced we want to harm her.

She has been calling people on Facebook messenger over and over again they started off being sympathetic but now I think most of them have either blocked her or just turned off notifications. This included people she hardly knew, some young guy who did some gardening work for her and FIL years ago, DH's old friends from university. I had to block her number on my DF's phone as she was calling him all the time.

We are getting almost daily calls accusing us of theft money from her purse, all her food (apparently this why I am so fat ). If we offer to get food or money for her she just rants. DH has developed the technique of asking if she needs him to do anything to help and if not he just hangs up.

Sinister I'm so sorry you are dealing with a difficult mum too, although it's strangely reassuring to know it's not only us. It is incredibly stressful, one of the most stressful times we have had I think and we are not exactly in the first flush ourselves. Other posters here have young children to deal with too, our DS gets lots of pass/agg messages from his GM but he's 22 and copes quite well with it.

Meredint my maternity care post birth was careless to the point of negligence, and the care my father received when he was admitted for abdominal pains still gives me the rage if I think about it. These, and many other stories from friends mean I am not a fan of our local hospital I'm afraid.

Dint it turns out that mum can't sign either, she couldn't press on hard enough to make much of a mark with the pen and the faint thing she did write bore no relation to her signature. I am also struggling with throwing out mum's things, they are hers even through she's never coming back to that house. It feels so wrong. That's why I'm starting with things that she would never miss, dried up paint, saucepans and elderly cake tins and things that should have been thrown decades ago. I'm hoping to work up to the important things eventually.

I am in the fortunate position that she doesn't need the capital tied up in the house, should she need nursing care I'd have to look at it again but at the moment there is no push to clear it (other than nudges from the neighbours who are circling and leaving their phone numbers)

I'm sorry everyone is going through it. It's easy to say detach and think of yourself as a professional carer, but it's harder to put into practice isn't it. My mum doesnt recognise me as me. She says I look a bit like her daughter but I'm not her daughter. This I can cope with in the main. It means she is mainly polite to me, asks me lots of questions like 'do you have any family?' and tells me lots and lots about her daughter (me) and her (my) life and family. It gets tricky when she's asking me where her daughter is who apparently lives with her (I don't). She can get quite upset about that.

Sorry to hear of the struggles. We were lucky with MiL in that although she was suspicious of lots of people for utterly random reasons, she was ok with us, especially our DDs. The thing that drove DH mad was her insistence to occupational therapists that he did everything for her, including all shopping and food prep, which was a complete lie. He shopped and would put a meal together when he was there but he worked an hour away on a secure site where no mobile phones were allowed. Our DDs were late primary school/early secondary age and she was moaning about not seeing him enough. When DH was away for a few weeks with work, I took over. I persuaded MiL to go to the local supermarket in the wheelchair with me. She insisted on going up & down every aisle "in case we missed something". No MiL, you really didn't need to go down the baby or pet aisle, having neither. We got back and she beamed at me, telling me what a lovely morning she had had and how we should definitely do it again. The following week, I went to collect her and she accused me of tipping her out of the wheelchair onto the busy carpark and leaving her there. Yes of course I'd do that to a vulnerable old lady with osteoporosis NOT.

I just went out for a walk with DF down by the beach. It was lovely then, although it's now raining. He will be fine reading his paper & watching TV for the rest of the day - I have a rehearsal that I can't skip - and bought a nice meal for this evening. Then I'm working all day tomorrow and the weather forecast is dire so he will no doubt be frustrated and fed up when I do get home. Oh well...

On the subject of cleaning and clearing a house - we've just been through this. It's made me take a good hard look at the stuff I've kept here and I'm starting to bin it now.

I feel like we get told to stand up for ourselves and be strong in any other situation, be it school bullying, horrible bosses and toxic relationships. But when it comes to an elderly parent we just have to roll over and accept it all with a beautific smile on our faces, no matter how much the insults and accusations hurt. Because it’s “the dementia talking and not them”. So it doesn’t matter, I don’t matter. My life is being ruined by my mother and she will continue to do this forever.

Step away @SinisterBumFacedCat Protect yourself

No idea what the green face was about

SinisterBumFacedCat maybe it's time to be as unavailable as your uncles. It's not as if you are the only person in her life, if you shuffle backwards then someone else will be brought into the drama. It won't go on forever, there is going to be a MH crisis somewhere down the line that will mean professionals are drawn in and then Something Will Be Done.

Malbec MIL told everyone that she knew that I wheeled her out of the supermarket in a shopping trolley. No, she spent nearly an hour wandering round the aisles, announced "my legs have gone funny again" and I managed to get a chair under her before she fell. As I took her back to the car in the store wheelchair (not a trolley) she then thought to mention that the exact same thing had happened when her brother brought her the week before.