Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome into our newly refurbished cafe. We've got rid of the Bad Daughters' bench - it was getting too small - and refitted the main room as a Bad Daughters' room, with comfy sofas, coffee, chocolates and drinks of your choice. (There is a good daughters' room - go down that corridor there and you'll find it tucked behind the stairs. It's not yet been fully furnished - we haven't had a visit from a Good Daughter in I don't know how long).

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Belated happy birthdays.
I've been very naughty. I have this week and next week off work and haven't told either set of parents. I have a huge backlog of jobs that need doing and I'm trying to get through some of them.

Happy birthday all. I didn't mention mine was coming, I doubt mum will ever realise she missed one. It was quite nice not to have the pressure of doing it right, finding something to want, buying it and then being surprised on the day.

I too am pretending to be away on holiday, I really was but came home early after a minor accident that made it difficult to walk. If I'm having to stop in I'd rather do it with decent internet, tv and a full freezer.

I taped up the flap that covered mum's central heating controls some time since. I'd get there and the house would be freezing because she'd turned it to water only.

Minty every week will be easier than the one before as you slip back into the routines of your working life. By Christmas it will be as if you've never been away.

@Mum5net

country Your story reminds me of an incident nine years ago. Parents aged 80 years broke down on a motorway. DF went off to find an emergency phone leaving DM alone alongside vehicle. A little while later, DM set off in on hard shoulder in opposite direction looking for DF. Police patrol car picked them both up. Car towed off motorway and written off. Then DF bought another car. Feel your pain.

To be fair, nothing in that story questions DF’s driving ability. So why shouldn’t he replace his car?

I’ve stopped mentioning birthdays to Dad. He can’t come, so it seems unnecessary pain. Still buying cards and presents on his behalf. But not for me, as I have POA and it seems inappropriate.

It’s sad that he’s missing so many family events. But the Bad Daughter in me hopes it continues - it’s so much easier and more relaxed. Dunno. All mixed up about it.

knot sorry you missed your holiday.

My main stress this last week has been trying to persuade DH to accept that we cannot do anything for MIL at the moment, and just tonstep back from it all for a bit.

Luckily we had a call from our contact on the dementia team who managed to visit MIL and is satisfied that she is looking after herself properly and is not at risk of any harm, so that has convinced him that we just need to let her get on with it for a while.

The safeguarding team emailed us and she is resisting them for the moment, but they are planning to visit her too. Our dementia team contact told us that she doesn't think MIL will accept any of their recommendations anyway!

She still rings us up regularly to inform us of all our shortcomings and also tells all our friends on Facebook messenger how terrible we are too.

On the positive side she won't go out, because she is convinced we go into her house when she isn't there, so we don't have to worry about her driving.

Rest - FIL got a letter from the Police saying he should have a full medical and that he should seriously consider surrendering his licence. Job done😊

Countrygirl99
That's good to hear that your father got a letter from the police about a full medical and that he should seriously consider surrendering his licence.
You knew it was not safe for him to drive but according to him their is no issue. At least that letter has stopped this further worry about him getting another car.

Made my fortnightly visit to CH today. DM (90) no longer using cutlery, eats with her fingers and I can see her losing weight. Translucent skin, just veins and bones. She knocked back three cups of coffee and the biscuit and cake I gave her so she's not off her food. She'd been showered this morning and had had a visit from the dentist so wasn't in a bad way. Early signs of how fewer staff members having to cope the best the can. Replicated I'm sure in every town across the UK.

How often is reasonable to visit a residential home?

The only possibility of a home that has been suggested so far is a home that I have only heard bad things about. We have two homes here in town within walking distance and I was really hoping that a place would come up in one of those. But I was talking to a friend of my mum's today and I wondered whether she would be better off in a home where they have Welsh speaking carers.

Welsh is her first language and she has loved having a Welsh speaking neighbour on the ward although she has gone home now. I was wondering whether it would be better to consider homes a little further away where Welsh is more prevalent rather than hang out for somewhere where I can visit more than once a week?

I would think it would be easier if she was in a home with Welsh-speaking carers & residents. Does she think in Welsh?

That doesn't answer your question but I know fluent Welsh speakers are much happier speaking Welsh if possible

I visited weekly when my DM had an inkling who I was but I’ve drifted to a fortnightly visit and during the visit I FaceTime my brother and sister as they both live in different countries. My DM tunes in to the family chat and I like to imagine the speech pattens still resonate in some way. No harm hairbrush visiting one that’s further away to see if you feel the extra distance just makes sense fir her circumstances . I’m a 20 min drive.

She would say her Welsh isn't fluent but when she is with her brother or brother in law they speak Welsh all the time. I am beginning to think that fewer visits but a better environment is the way forward. I have dismissed a few homes because they are further away from us but I'm beginning to think I need to consider a different area.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I think you may be right to try for somewhere with Welsh speakers...it would probably help your mum feel more secure, and tbh reduce any pressure you feel within yourself to visit more frequently than you can handle.

Well, I lasted 3.5 weeks back at work. Have been struggling since last weekend and today on the way to work I had a massive panic attack and completely broke down.

Called best mate, then work. Tried to get to BMs place which was about 5 minutes drive away but couldn't. Luckily my GP surgery was en route so ended up parking on a yellow line and throwing myself into reception absolutely hysterical as was numb all over, shaking and couldn't breath.

Nurse settled me down and arranged for me to see GP within 10 minutes. It was one who knew the whole backstory about Dad etc and he was fabulous. Signed off for a minimum of two weeks, increased meds and has suggested I have bereavement counselling.

BM is self employed and bless her, cancelled the job she had on this morning to piece me back together.

Am not telling mum what's happened. I need the time and headspace to grieve and take care of myself.

Oh, sorry MInty! Your GP surgery really came up trumps!

Am not telling mum what's happened. I need the time and headspace to grieve and take care of myself. Absolutely the right approach.

Sorry minty as dint says, don’t tell your mum and take this time. 🌺🌺

Minty I'm really sorry to hear that, take care of yourself. I wouldn't be telling your mum either, she's not going to support you through it is she? I am so glad that you managed to see a GP, they really came through for you there.

Hairbrush In your shoes I'd start by asking the homes that are closest whether they have any Welsh speaking residents. It's a good point you've raised but if there's any chance that one of the closest homes would also tick the language box then it's worth asking.

I am not visiting this week as I am Unwell. I'm more or less certain that I have the cold from hell, I've had two negative lateral flow tests but I'm sneezing and it's not just allergies. I don't have the right symptoms for a PCR test through the NHS but I'm part of a study and they offered me one. I've thought about it and because of mum I'm taking it. Throughout the last 18 months my big worry has been what would happen if I was sick because mum thought she was living independantly but it was all being held together by me. I am so thankful that I'm not having to weigh up the risks of infection vs not eating/not taking medication. I've been able to look after me while knowing that someone else is looking after her.

Hi Minty, sorry to hear about what happened. I know you have been coping with your dad's illness and his death. Then you had to deal with your mother and she has not been easy. I am glad you saw a GP that knew your back story. It good that you got medication and time off work to help you. Your better off not saying anything to your mother.

I watched a friend of mine in a very stressful situation a few years ago. They went to their doctor, got medication and time off work. They eat well, slept and within a few weeks felt a lot better. My friend actually looked for and got a better job within a few months after this.
I hope you feel better soon as you have been through a lot.

Thanks all.

@Ilady it's good to hear about your friends recovery. Tbh I can't remember what 'normal' feels like even without factoring Covid into the last 18 months.

It's really hard to imagine a time when I'll feel relaxed and happy on a daily basis at the moment.

I felt a bit better yesterday afternoon but have barely moved off the sofa today and am still in my PJ's.

Oh god - I may have spoken too soon...nan had another small fall today whilst in her friends flat. No injuries but she is distraught. I couldnt get to her as have no car today so my sister and nephew went. She says she has nothing to live for, she is so lonely and bored, she's fit for the knackers yard etc etc... Of course I'm upset for her but do many 96 year olds have exciting lifes full of friends and activities?? I really dont think they do. I know I am being harsh but I just dont know what else to say i think she is in fairly good health for her age - no major illnesses, and she has several friends living very close by

Thinking of you @Mintycedric. What a year you have had xxx

Thanks @Nodancingshoes

I can relate to what you're saying about your nan...my mum has similar complaints on a daily basis, but she'll do very little to help herself.

I'm sure most 82 year olds don't spend every single day meeting multiple people. She struggles even to spend one day a week on her own which baffles me as I'm such an introvert.

Of course I'm upset for her but do many 96 year olds have exciting lifes full of friends and activities?? I really dont think they do. they may not, but that doesn’t make it any better. If you’re in a job you hate, it doesn’t make you feel happier to know that the majority of people are in jobs they don’t like.

@MintyCedric me too - I'd love a day by myself She has friends who she will meet most days for a chat - she lives in a retirement flat so there is a lounge. She walks up to town a couple of times a week and I visit 3 times, my sister twice. For 96 I dont think this is too bad but I know she is still lonely. This makes me feel like shit to be honest but I cannot go every day - my children need me too! I just wish she would try to be more positive

It is so unbearable to think of living this long. When I'm not feeling stressed about my mum I do feel for her. Just on 87 and her life is getting more restricted and limited every year. Hoping so much I don't live past 80.