I haven’t posted in a while. I have read sometimes though and I wanted to just wave to posters with their own health issues, it must make everything twice as hard.
He's scared of her being unhappy, so always placates her
This popped out at me from Wombat’s post – I see a pattern here for elderly partners who are not co-operating with offers of professional help and also in my own relationship with my DM: even when I reject it, that impulse to placate for this reason is strong. I’m actually picking up some counselling support for myself at the moment and this is something we’re discussing. It’s interesting to go a bit further and ask ‘What if she is unhappy? What will the fearful consequences be?’
On the dementia topic, my DM has evaded diagnosis (she’s likely to have Parkinson’s dementia, which is like Lewy Body) – the GP suggested she attend memory clinic 18 months back but she declined to go and she’s since had an attempted cognitive assessment in the care home by a different team as part of a wider check but she didn’t want to do the test so although we can see she is ‘confused’ and the care home just do their thing accordingly, there’s a bit of a limbo there, especially as some (e.g. financial institutions) can ask for ‘capacity’ statements from a professional but I have found professionals are reluctant to commit to one.
I do believe that it's partly because they have fond memories of a time when women stayed at home, looked after their kids, then switched to looking after the elderlies. They just don't get that life has changed now for the vast majority of families.
Agreed Minty and I don’t even know if these are real memories or impressions gathered from the public face of other families or even TV families. Because in reality women were still overburdened – in my (w/class) GPs days, the women had to look after old people because there were no alternatives, and institutions were feared, but there was not much cosy about it and many of those women’s lives were eaten up by care of all kinds. And ditto to Permanent’s comment that my DM’s generation mostly didn’t have ancient extra-frail elderlies to look after, my DM’s parents both died without much invalidity in their early 70s.
Hairbrush these expectations lurk and while parents in their prime don’t acknowledge them, the neediness emerges when the other partner goes, the idea that children will substitute for the partner is ingrained somewhere. You have done everything you can.
There are always martyred women to be held up to us, who have selflessly cared for oldies unlike us. I feel there should be an Etsy shop selling icon paintings of these saints (“Shirley across the road who has always been so good to her Mam”, “Monica who sees her Mum every day and takes her out in the car”, “Ma Larkin”) so our DMs can put them on the wall behind their beds.
I have been sticking to my monthly travel (train) to DM’s care home to visit under crap Covid rules. Depending on how long I stay, I see her more than once. The first stay was quite long (2 weeks of my annual leave) and many things were sorted out but I suspect DM’s levels of appreciation will only dwindle. I’m taking a friend next time and the time after that another friend is offering to accompany me and hire a car we can both drive so we can take her out locally. But I manage to keep her out of my head more when I’m at home, which is necessary as my job is about to kick off (term time).
We are all doing everything we can. Everything.
Cockroaches Ho!