What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

[Mxflamingnoravera]

Many of on here vow that we will never put our children through what we are going through with our oldies. I'm one of them, but, unsure what I need to do (apart from set up LPA and a will). What are your suggestions for steps we can take?

It might be good to set up a checklist for different stages of our adult lives, depending on how old our children are. My son is 27 and has agreed to do LPA.

Have you saved enough to meet your care needs in later life.

Also, move to suitable accommodation when you’re able to, and not when it becomes a crisis

Watching with interest. My own parents have signed power of attorney for the various areas sorted and in ‘the Will drawer’ for when they are needed. They had a really hard time sorting out their own parents affairs and didn’t want that to be our experience

Write down what you want to happen in the event of infirmity so your wishes can be referred to in the future

Get rid of stuff. Make sure your paperwork and online accounts can be accessed. Don't soldier on when admitting you need help would make everyone's lives easier. I'm having to do the last one due to disability already.

Downsize when you're still healthy and able to do so and get rid of all accumulated clutter and stuff. Ensure all key documents are somewhere safe and accessible (or let your children know where they are). Sort out POA early on.

I'm very grateful that my mother did all of this which meant that when she did get dementia and go into a care home it wasn't as difficult as it could have been.

@HermioneWeasley I just don't earn enough to save for more than my pension (although this can be used for care needs).

I can downsize at some point, and probably should. I'm going to be 60 next year, still working and fitter than I've ever been in my life.

This is all great advice. I've done the will, I'll do the LPA. And I will start a plan to start getting rid of shite and downsize.

Keep it coming

Put your house in your children's names so it won't be sold to pay for your care.

Have a house which is disabled friendly, or can easily be made so. E.g. downstairs bathroom, spare downstairs reception room which could be a bedroom.

Admit when you're starting to get older and don't go doing stupid things like climbing ladders at the age of 88

Read and follow the art of Swedish death cleaning.

I don't have a problem with my home being sold to pay for care if necessary. I'd rather our social care system was sorted obv. but if it means I get good care, I don't mind.

But has made me wonder if it's worth a life insurance policy for the value of the house so that my son gets something if it does have to be sold.

Downsizing / moving to appropriate accommodation early is key. So many cases of elderly people not being able to return home from hospital are not because they're incapable of independent living, but because they cannot safely live in a house with narrow stairs to reach the bedrooms / bathrooms.

Another is being proactive in getting in help such as cleaning and being open to support from paid carers rather than expecting family to step up (in non existent free time).

@ChocOrange1 , read up on deprivation of assets.

Get rid of stuff so that your kids don’t have to spend forever doing it later. Moving to a smaller house and cramming heaps of stuff in the loft and garage doesn’t count.

Accept that you need help such as carers and cleaners. Live in a bungalow/flat or convert a room downstairs to a bedroom with en-suite.

I don’t know if this is possible but could you ask utility companies if your children can speak to them on your behalf?

I've just bought the book Art of Death Cleaning on audible on your recommendation. Forestdweller

We have our house as tenants in common rather than joint tenants and wills have a clause saying the other gets to keep the house until death. which is supposed to mean they can only take into account half the value of the house for care costs purposes.

I'm single and determined to stay single after two relationship breakdowns. But I agree that tenants in common is best. Along with a lifetime interest written into the will. Especially if anyone is in a second marriage with children from the first...

Watching with interest. I'm in my 50s with parents in their late 70s and I suspect I'll downsize before they do.

Trying to dodge paying for care doesn't work - and with the financial state of this country, don't even think about it.

Advance directive, LPA for both finance and health decisions. Get rid of stuff and stop buying!

I agree with everything previously suggested. My DP's lived in the same house for 53 years and hardly ever threw stuff out. That was one hell of a clear out we had to do when they had both died and we had to sell the house. I swore that I would not leave a job like that for my DS.

choc so who will pay the possible many thousands for your parents' care then, just so you get your inheritance. Me??!

Declutter and keep on top of house maintenance. My parents are in their late 70's and it's going to cost thousands to get on top of my dad's hoarding and make their house saleable!

Don't put your house in your children's names just to avoid paying for care. Quite apart from deprivation of assets, if one of your children were to divorce, the ex could end up owning your house.

Problem with downsizing: DH & I can leave a £million house to our children tax free.
If we downsize we lose the benefit of that exemption for leaving your home to your children, and IHT is payable on anything over £650000.

Talk about what you want to happen if you become seriously ill or have an accident. Make sure everyone knows what your wishes are.

Be honest about what you really want. Everything gets really difficult if you aren't honest with yourself and your family. Very bad if it causes a family row - maybe write it down/email if you can't do it face to face. It can take a while to work out what you want so don't be afraid to take that time.

DON'T use a will as a weapon. Ever. Don't expect that your later wives/husbands will 'do right' by the children of your first marriage; if you want something to happen, lawyer up. And don't tell multiple members of the family that they will get the precious heirloom.