What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

[Mxflamingnoravera]

Many of on here vow that we will never put our children through what we are going through with our oldies. I'm one of them, but, unsure what I need to do (apart from set up LPA and a will). What are your suggestions for steps we can take?

It might be good to set up a checklist for different stages of our adult lives, depending on how old our children are. My son is 27 and has agreed to do LPA.

I think the best thing you can do is set up a single page spreadsheet with your bank account details including sort code, direct debit list, utility companies account numbers, life insurance, pension details, any stocks/shares/premium bonds including numbers and where certificates are stored. Combinations for safe. Password for computer where document is stored.

Clear out your garage, spare rooms and declutter.

As well as a will for finances, leave a letter for each child stating which bits of jewelry and personal effects is reserved for them. Photos good here.

If you have pets specify who you want to care for them (obviously agreed in advance with said person).
Vets used.

Details of if you want burial or cremation and where specifically.

Oh yes. If you're planning to marry someone to whom you can't be honest about what you want to happen re inheritance, you probably shouldn't marry them.

@PortMerrionCentre there is a carry over for downsizers, see the drop down on this Which page www.which.co.uk/money/tax/inheritance-tax/inheritance-tax-property-changes-asy688s1j5zj

Tell your executors/relatives where the will is. We spent a merry week hunting for the will, only to find lots of notes from elderly relative to himself reminding him to tell us! He hadn't actually told us but luckily we found it!

Accept that you will have to stop driving at some stage, give your children permission to tell you when the time has come, abide by their advice, and make sure you are living somewhere you can access public transport/afford to pay for taxis. Ditto looking after your finances.

Recognise that paid for care is substantially better than state-funded care and be prepared to sell your home to pay for it.

Put your house in your children's names so it won't be sold to pay for your care

Don’t do this, it’s absolutely shameless and torrid advice. Unless your kids are going to provide your care so you wouldn’t be needing government support, it’s cheating the system. It may also be classified as fraud in some cases, particularly where care needs are anticipated.

If you do end up needing care, your children will also benefit from you having good quality care and most importantly, options over what you want.

When people start telling you your memory is failing BELIEVE THEM.

Advance directive. And have THAT conversation and put it in writing about exactly how you want to be treated in various health scenarios. Eg if you had cancer, do you want all any treatment? A pacemaker? Antibiotics for every infection etc etc.

@NecklessMumster

Write down what you want to happen in the event of infirmity so your wishes can be referred to in the future

Respect form from GP ..has replaced DNAR form .

This is so difficult because everyone says they don’t expect their children to care for them and say things like “just put me in a home” or nonsense like “just shoot me” but of course, when it comes to the crunch, everyone wants to stay in their own home and to have help from family not strangers.

Also, how hard it is to give up your family home to move into ‘sensible’ accommodation. I read an article recently about ‘bungalow legs’, where people’s physical deterioration is accelerated by moving into accommodation without stairs too soon. So hard to pick the right time.

On top of all the advice from PPs about wills and finances, I would say, keep active, keep connected with friends and your community, get IT savvy, and don’t put off paying for help (cleaner, gardener, carers etc).

I think the main thing is accept when you need paid help. And accept when you need a hearing aid.

And if you give your house away to your children to avoid it being sold for care, it won't be accepted as truly given away unless you are still paying a market rent to live in it. If you live in it for free it will be deemed as a scam and you will still have to pay for your care.

I am in my fifties and no way am I ready to accept that I need to move in preparation for being very elderly. I will be working for at least another 10 years. If I can manage to work full-time then I am sure I can manage to live in a house with stairs.

And don't retire to the middle of nowhere where you know no one and services are scarce. In a rural county near me there is a real issue with the amount of elderly widowed people living in rural locations and with all family living far away. The services can't cope and it can be very hard for people to even find cleaners and carers to hire.

• @ChocOrange1 , read up on deprivation of assets.* I think the thought here is about doing things early (eg 50s as OP said) and it wouldn't be deprivation of assets then for a fit and healthy person BUT I still don't think it's advisable, because if you did end up needing care, you'd be completely at the mercy of whatever care home was available - no private care, no real choice. I think once you're on the way to being unable to manage running your own home either yourself or with paid help it's the time to downsize. My dad is so stubborn, he has an empty house that he refuses to sell but he's not able to manage to live in it or look after it either, so we have to sort all that out as well as looking after him here.

Gosh in my 50s… and still have a child in school!

Decluttering is a good one isn’t it. I’ve been on at my parents to declutter, even got them a skip at one point and tried to ‘help’. They just ended up not using it. However now in the pandemic they are downsizing, and I’m miles away and they are in a complete pickle about all the ‘stuff’ and feeling very overwhelmed. I can’t get there (plane ride away).

Also accepting getting cleaners/gardeners without all of this persuading. Honestly my parents really want me to stay, but it’s so dirty I end up having to Hoover and clean on the first day with my kids (who are quite needy of my time). It really puts me off going there. Drives me nuts!

It sounds morbid but if euthanasia was legal I'd rather have that than go through what my DGD did. Save, think of care plans, write down any wishes.

If you want a church funeral, write down which hyms you want.
If my late mother hadn't done this, my sisters would STILL be arguing about what to use...

Sort out sentimental bequests.

My DGM promised a particular piece of jewellery to me when I was small. 40 years later, when she died, I was living on a different continent, hadn't even seen her for a couple of years, & it turned out DGM had given this item before her death to a younger cousin of mine (also her dgd) who had been regularly visiting her.

Absolutely fair enough. DGM & I were not especially close, & she quite reasonably preferred my cousin.

But there was, it turned out, a line in her will leaving me this item along with some money. I had no problem at all with the fact that she'd obviously changed her mind, given the jewellery to my cousin & not subsequently updated her will, probably because she'd forgotten all about it. Poor cousin was embarrassed & wanted to give the item to me, which of course I didn't accept.

All fine except her will was positively littered with references to items like this, that she'd willed &/or promised to various family members but then given away during her lifetime to other people. Hurt feelings all round.

Plus some of my uncles are assholes. Last seen STILL arguing over fugly Edwardian furniture & worthless stamp collections that had somehow ended up with the 'wrong' dgc...

So, one priority I have is to give away trinkets etc whilst I'm still here.

I spent last night looking at apartments and bungalows online, I currently live in a mid terrace where everything is up or downstairs. Then I read about "bungalow legs" and thought about the elderly folk who live on my street and have lived in their houses all their lives (at least three households) they can still manage their steps up to the front door. My mother, moved to a bungalow in her late 40s cannot now manage more than a single step and has swollen legs through inactivity. So I'll declutter, but I think I may stay put in my workout home.

We (DB and I and spouses) discussed the tenants in common thing with my parents over their house and decided against. Partly because we didn't think it was right to avoid paying care fees and partly because we didn't want the complication of each part owning half of the surviving parents house and the potential for fallouts over paying for maintenance, selling it if the second parent needed care etc.

My DPs (88 & 90) downsized to a small terrace house but with three stories (& a cellar) they are still, just about, able to manage the stairs .

Agree with the decluttering, very clear instructions about the Will & financial arrangements - check you know where birth certificate is etc. Every year I have a 'review' with my DM to make sure I know where everything is.

I'd never heard of 'bungalow legs' but it makes perfect sense. Widens my remit for a downsizing home!

I too still have dcs in school so it's all a way off for me. However as a LP I've already made lists of account numbers/utility providers etc which I regularly update as should they worst happen it will be easier all round.

I'm anticipating dealing with my parents being a nightmare. Total head in the sand re their living arrangements and health. I'm not leaving me dcs with the same.

Age UK do a really useful free booklet called the Life Book for collating all sorts of information and wishes. I must get round to filling mine in!

My mil is 93 and owned her own home. We managed to sort everything out when she was in her early 90s and it didn't take long to sort out selling her house so she could pay for her care.

It's very expensive si be prepared for that 5k a month.

Also be prepared to understand that care at home isn't really a good option and companies are out there to make money.

Really interesting discussion on ageing - and how we delude ourselves if we think we can prepare for it - between writer Lionel Shriver and consultant geratrician- on Radio 4 last week