What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives?

[Mxflamingnoravera]

Many of on here vow that we will never put our children through what we are going through with our oldies. I'm one of them, but, unsure what I need to do (apart from set up LPA and a will). What are your suggestions for steps we can take?

It might be good to set up a checklist for different stages of our adult lives, depending on how old our children are. My son is 27 and has agreed to do LPA.

Another transport one. Try to live as close as possible to the friends you want to keep seeing. My parents' (childfree) friends all retired to their favourite seaside resorts and enjoyed visiting each other for weeks away for a decade. Now in their 80s the ones who are left aren't capable of travelling that far to see each other by car or train. Their hearing is poor so they can't effectively use the phone and they don't understand computers. If they had all lived locally to each other those that are left could still see each other once a week - or even live together. They'd be a lot less lonely.

If in a relationship make sure you have a basic understanding of all the jobs around the house your other half does. I've known a number of widowed people who were stuck eg not knowing where the tea towels were kept, not being able to open the back door because their husband had the only key hidden away somewhere, not knowing the passwords for any of the joint online banking accounts.

Also backing up previous points. When waiting in A&E with my Dad once I overheard paramedics talking. They said when they retired they were going to live in a big town fairly close to a major hospital so an ambulance could get them there in 15mins or less if necessary. They spent too much time driving round country roads trying to find remote addresses to pick up elderly people and their outcomes were less good because it took so long to get to them.

I'm going to try to follow the above advice and definitely have a downstairs bedroom and bathroom. My Dad insisted on that when my parents retired and thank goodness he did. It came in very useful for each of my parents in turn and for my sister when she had an accident and stayed with them for a while. Nobody had to go into care, which I think would have been unavoidable without the downstairs bedroom. Eventually there came a point where my Mum was too exhausted to even operate the stair-lift.

Reading this with interest, some great advice. However any tips on what to think about now, if you don’t have any children or relatives to help in later life?

@Tuckerluck think you ought to start a separate thread on this. I’ve stopped looking at this thread regularly, and people without children may not have been reading it at all.

I would think about documenting everything you need someone caring for you to know, a “Tuckerluck instruction manual”. What things you hate eating, what clothes you like, fabrics, pockets etc, any phobias, allergies etc. If you have anyone you could give power of attorney to, then you would attach it to that, entitled “letter of wishes”. It’s not legally binding, but care homes, decision makers, will take heed of it.

Everything about staying in your home longer applies. Wet rooms etc. Start exploring smart technology, voice activated stuff, to help as you get physically frail, won’t help if you get dementia unless you have someone on hand to assist.

Don’t put your house into your children’s names, but look into a life rent trust.

I’ll be judged for this but I couldn’t care less. It meant that when my surviving parent had to go into care the house, which my parents built and paid for over a lifetime couldn’t be touched.

Learning lessons from experience of stubborn parents who believe it is our duty to give up our lives to care for them. Have told my adult children that I chose to be a parent, they owe me nothing in return.
DH and I are making our home and garden as maintenance free as possible now and intend to pay for window cleaner, gardener etc. We are intend to use taxis and online shopping. We have had mirror wills drawn up with clauses to benefit our children, not the system. Will do what is best for everyone in the future.

Make sure you know where all the important documents are.

An elderly friend of mine is in difficulty because she can't find the deeds to her house. She's in private care but has run out of savings. The council won't fund because she owns a house but she can't sell the house or release equity because she can't locate the deeds.

Work in aged care rehab ward: Make sure there is on the entrance level
1)a bathroom with a shower that you can walk/wheel straight into without a tall hob. Definitely not a shower over a bath
2) a room you can sleep in even if it means putting a bed into a living room.
3) somewhere you can make food/drink.
You don't even have to be old to need these things, just have major injury or surgery to your leg.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon your friend should be able to get help online with a copy of the deeds

@JellyNo15

Learning lessons from experience of stubborn parents who believe it is our duty to give up our lives to care for them. Have told my adult children that I chose to be a parent, they owe me nothing in return. DH and I are making our home and garden as maintenance free as possible now and intend to pay for window cleaner, gardener etc. We are intend to use taxis and online shopping. We have had mirror wills drawn up with clauses to benefit our children, not the system. Will do what is best for everyone in the future.

Can you elaborate? We have drawn up wills but didn't specify anything re the house, i didn't know what i could do to try to safeguard it against care home cost.

My own half of the estate is left between our children with a clause that my husband can live in the property without giving the children my share of the house and contents until he too dies, or he needs social care that way only his share can be used to fund his care, vice versa.

Re LPAs, I must remind my OH to update his to tick the plug-pulling box. There was recently a sad situation where someone we know was found dead one morning and the paramedics still performed CPR (despite his age, frailty and poor health) because his wife had no LPA for him. For obvious reasons I haven't asked about the details because it's one of the most distressing experiences someone can have, but I checked and as LPA appoints someone to speak for you in health matters when you can't, (and you definitely can't when you're dead and they're considering CPR) then this seems correct.
Luckily I did tick the right box, so if I keel over when the chances of resuscitation are v v poor, my OH doesn't have to hear them cracking my ribs as a last farewell, he can just tell them to let me go.

@JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon that’s ridiculous , she doesn’t need the physical deeds they are now available from the land registry

Re deeds, unless the house is unregistered, not on the Land Registry, which can still be the case. But a solicitor can register it and then it can be sold.

We are in our 50s, bit the bullet and did the big downsize last year. Moving from rural family home to the middle of town with all facilities in very close walking distance. Doctor, dentist, pharmacy, library - everything we need/want is on the doorstep. This takes into account what if we can't drive for whatever reason any more.

No way are we going to visit elderly care responsibilities on our kids.

The downsize was a massive project and much worse than we anticipated so thank god we tackled it now. The prospect can be overwhelming which is why so many people wait too long then can't face it.

We plan to keep an eye on things and probably downsize one more time into a (hopefully not too small) flat before we think stairs might become an issue.

We intend to spend every penny of the money released from selling the family home.

Forget about trying to pass an inheritance onto your children. If you e anything worth passing down then they’ve already had the advantages of a (relatively) comfortable, stable upbringing with some sort of parental safety net. They’ve not earned your wealth. Instead, spend your money on a house that makes you happy. Modify it to make it work for you. Heat it properly. Eat nice food. Move house into something more suitable without worrying about the cost of moving chipping into “an inheritance”. If you need /want private healthcare, a cleaner, pre-prepared food, taxis, paid-for social activities... do it if you can afford it.

When you’re dead, “you” cease to exist, so you no longer have any interest in or say in your lifetimes savings or work.

If your children are decent human beings they’d rather have the last 10 years of your life be as good as they can be rather than inherit your £££.