The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

The quality of life issue is huge I think. I've actually joined Dignity in Dying, a pressure group that campaigns for legalised euthanasia, since Dad has become unwell. It's inconceivable to me that we don't allow animals to continue in these circumstances but the 'powers that be' decree its acceptable for humans to suffer,sometimes for years, with little to no quality of life.

I have to say this week has been an absolute doozy. Mum has reacted to the antibiotics for the UTI so not started the ones for the leg infection. She's had chills (heating was on 27 when I went round there yesterday), extremetiredness, skin mottled purple and white, dizzy spells.

On top of that she tripped in the garden yesterday and cut her ankle just below where the leg swelling/infection is.

So...4 calls to/from various out of hours bods this morning and she's now been prescribed an AB she has no history of reaction to, and which will work on both infections.

She's also been advised that she should still go for her second Pfizer jab tomorrow...God help me!

Managed to get a puncture yesterday after being locked out on Tuesday 🙄....

Hazarding a guess that the next couple of weeks are going to be similarly fraught and at the end of that mum will announce she wants to bring to Dad home...🤪

Ah Minty
I wish you could come and sit in my flat

It's small, styled a la junk shop, no cats, just me, but my friends tell me they find it peaceful here. Which is what I was going for. It's a happy peaceful place in a strange urban noisy way.

Minty don't miss the opportunities to point out to your mum that you wouldn't have had the ability to lavish this level of care on her if you'd been looking after your dad as well. You do only have the one pair of hands.

In today's news I have taken my mobile number out of the memory of mum's phone. She has it written in numerous places so if she can find it and dial it she can call it but now I'll just have the one phone ringing rather than her dialling one then the other. When I've gone for a walk to get away from the phone for an hour then I've been leaving my mobile at home and I've been rumbled by my son. "But what would happen if...?" - well I'd deal with it as we used to do in the days before mobile technology but I don't want him worrying about me and I don't want a stream of consciousness call from mum so something had to change. I thought I would feel guilty but I don't. 10/10 would recommend.

Blimey minty what a week you've had! - I've had once of those too but mum seems fine now and I've told my sister I'm not available for more lifts.
I've spent today doing DIY jobs with dh at mums and here at home. More to do tomorrow.
It would have been mum and dad's 50th wedding anniversary tomorrow 😒 so we will be going to the cemetery. It will be a difficult day for her.
I've reminded my siblings
I have my next appointment at the eye hospital next month and my 2nd vaccine in the same week.

Knot I often think the elder care stuff has become a bigger deal for many reasons, but tech is one of them. Also, I think in the past there was a different definition of care and it didn't include "My ipad isn't working".

jen We avoid mum on their wedding anniversary. She doesn't need daily care so it's easy to do. I know it's a bad day for her but I have a couple of days that are bad for me - death of friends - I don't inflict all the "what ifs" on anyone else.

That said, we think my sister forgot it this year but we've all got enough troubles without remembering a wedding anniversary. No idea if mum grumbled to her mates though.

Its difficult.
She is very bitter about dad dying astound has ge did before he retired. All their plans. I get it. But there's fuck all I can do about it.
She's coming here for Easter lunch - the joys!

@AcornAutumn

Ah Minty I wish you could come and sit in my flat

It's small, styled a la junk shop, no cats, just me, but my friends tell me they find it peaceful here. Which is what I was going for. It's a happy peaceful place in a strange urban noisy way.

Sounds perfect.

The year after I left my XH I took DD to Yorkshire for a week and we stayed here, which quickly became my ultimate happy place.

I've tried and failed to get back a couple of times since but have it booked for next July...there are no words for what I'd give to have a week there on my own right now though!

Oh Jen I've got mine coming too, and my best mate (we're in a bubble).

I just hope to God mum doesn't get side effects as I'm so looking forward to doing dinner for us all and being able to enjoy it in my home with a glass (or three!) of wine!

Wedding anniversaries are between the two getting married, I never given a moment's thought to other people's anniversaries. That was how it was in my family but when I married into the t'other side it was like entering a different world. Every single thing had to have cards and phone calls, everyone had to go out for a meal together to celebrate the occasion. As a dutiful wife (although we were "living in sin" as she so quaintly put it) I was given the list of all my husband's obligations so I could send the necessary cards on his behalf. I'm not sure if that was still a thing in the early 1990s but it certainly wasn't a thing for me. My entire relationship with my MIL has been her trying to make me do what she wanted me to do, if we'd not spent the last 30 years sparring then I might be sweeter to her now.

Sitting down with a bowl of chips to share and a cup of tea

I don't post much but I read to make myself feel better about the stresses of caring for my own mum. I want to post now because someone posted something a couple of pages back that really resonated with me. Someone posted that they never saw themselves living they way they are now.

DH and I are nearly 60 - his birthday next month, mine in September - our children have all moved on (youngest is in university) and we are now more tied than we have ever been. I have been wondering why I never saw myself living this life and I realised it is because my parents didn't do it. My aunt always cared for my grandmother (on my dad's side) and on my mum's side her sister cared for both their parents and my great aunt. That's not say my mum did nothing - she would speak to my great aunt many times a day and did for years. When my grandmother became ill my mum moved to stay in my aunt's house to look after my cousins while my aunt and uncle moved to my grandparents.

Mum has carers twice a day which she resents and she has to pay for them because obviously I am too lazy to do it. Mum has been a widow for 8 years and struggles so much. She has very limited mobility because of arthritis and she is lonely. She would like me to be with her all day every day. As it is I spend an hour or so with her in the morning and stay with her all evening as well as going in and out as required - to make her lunch, take her to the toilet, turn the tv/lights/fire on and off.

Because of the carers I don't need to see to anything until about 11 a.m. and I am finished with her by 9 o'clock or so in the evening (although she will often call me to go back and sort out the tv when she is in bed!) But I am constantly on call. My husband and I can no longer go out for lunch (regulations permitting) unless my daughter comes to sit with her and there is no chance at all that we could go away overnight. I never expected that at the age of 60 I would be caring for mum and unable even to go shopping without her "permission".

But, the thing that upsets me is that she has no concept of how restricted and small my life has become. My dad took early retirement and he and mum went on a lot of holidays. Not usually expensive but several times a year they would go off on a coach trip to the continent. They travelled through most of Europe and loved it. Even after dad died she and I had a few train holidays to the continent but our finances took a dip, her health went down hill and I lost confidence in taking her away. Now she complains bitterly "I can't believe that I will never go on holiday again" "I miss going away so much" "I wish I could have one more holiday". My husband and I have not had a holiday for eight years and can't even go out for lunch because I care for her but that doesn't register with her at all.

She resents me doing anything that doesn't involve her. She phones and says "What are you doing?" - whatever I say is wrong. If I say I was sitting in the garden she wishes she was able to sit in the garden (she won't because it is too cold). If I am cleaning the kitchen/toilet/bedrooms "I wish someone would do that for me!" even though my daughter comes and cleans for her twice a week.

I love her and understand that she is in pain from the arthritis and missing my dad but I struggle to enjoy the time I spend with her because it is never enough.

It was me ithink
Yes, I get it. I don't enjoy the time I spend with mum either. We aren't close.
But in your position I do think maybe you should put some boundaries in place so that when restrictions ease you can go out with your dh?
You can help with health needs, life admin etc but you are not responsible for your mothers happiness.
Only she can be responsible for that.

I'll say what I said to minty last year...
If (god forbid) you were hit by a bus tomorrow and ended up in traction for 3 months, guess what? Your mum would cope. Because she would have no choice.
You are giving her all the choices atm.
Stop!
Best of luck xxx

I suppose some time ago I decided what my line in the sand would be...
That is, what I am and am not prepared to do.
I will not do personal care (unless its an emergency), I won't do moving/hoisting/lifting (unless its an emergency) my back is buggered enough!
Mum could either get carers in, my sister could step up (hahaha) or she can go into a home.
She certainly won't be stopping me going on holidays etc!

I struggle to enjoy the time I spend with her because it is never enough.

It's hard, and I know the feeling.

Having said that, despite this week's challenges mum has fared much better emotionally that I thought she would, and I can feel some of the tension in our relationship dissipating.

That's good minty

I forgot to mention something i found rather funny on Monday...the paramedic who was advising mum what stuff to take with her to hospital asked if she wanted to take the slippers that were on the floor next to her..
Cue horrified expression from mum "No! I'm not taking those! My son gave them to me.."
She gave me a sympathetic look 😁
I might get them bronzed and put on a plinth 🏛

Hi Ithinkisaw! The phrase "it's never enough" leaps out at me from your post. What you are doing is absolutely loads and more than "enough" by any reasonable definition. So if she will never be satisfied regardless of what you do, that's a good reason to claw back some of the time you so obviously need, and life will go on. Hope you can find a way.

I'm just back from my second visit to dad in his care home and it was much more positive than the first. He walked out to the garden to see me - with help and very wobbly, but it's the first time I've seen him on his feet since he broke his hip three months ago. His mind is still all over the place, but in a moment of clarity he admitted that he knows he's not going home any time soon and he seems more accepting of that. Feels like some sort of progress.

Ithink Hear me out before you say this will never work. Book a holiday for you and your husband as soon as you are able to. Talk about what you really want to do as a couple and then do it. If you wait until you have no caring commitments then you might be limited by your own health. You will not be taking your mother with you, she will have plenty of time to explore the options she has for covering for you while you are away. More carers? Respite care in a residential placement? You are entitled to have your own life seperate to hers, a life with holidays, overnight stays and lunches out. If you died in the night what would she do? That's what you need to set up now.

This advice is brought to you by the woman widowed at 54. Don't wait until "later", get on with your life right now. We took mum on holiday every year after dad died until 2017 when we had a family holiday without her. I felt guilty but it was lovely and we couldn't have done it with her. I am so glad that we did it because my husband died in the autumn and that last holiday was the only one we'd had without mum in fifteen years.

It's not your job to make her happy and it's not right to put her happiness ahead of your own. She had some fun in life, you can too if you step back a bit more and carve out your own life. If you can't put yourself first then see it as putting your husband first.

Here endeth today's sermon.

Seriously, so much of what you wrote I could have written. At the moment I'm not minding being chained down because there's nowhere to go but come mid May I will want to be attempting to make a life for myself.

knot that is such a moving post and says so much that we should all heed.Thank you.🌺
Lovely to see you hairbrush but please heed knot s wisdom

It sounds like many of us did not plan or expect our lives to revolve around supporting elderly parents - I certainly didn't, and I am feeling increasingly trapped and resentful.

I was widowed in my 30s, brought up two DCs by myself, and was just starting to reclaim my life and my independence (DCs no longer at home, ditched an increasingly needy and emotionally dependent partner etc) when Covid hit, and all my plans went out of the window. I am determined not to let my parents become any more dependent on me than they already are - I need to have a life too, after prioritising other people's needs for the past 20 years.

And I heartily agree with what knotaknitter says about getting on with your own life now, because there may not be a later. My DH died at 41, my sister at 51. I have now outlived them both, and although my parents and most of my grandparents lived into their 80s, you never know how many years of health and activity you may have left. When my parents were my age, they were enjoying life and travelling the world visiting me and my sister, and they never took on hands-on care of their own elderly parents.

hairbrush did you read joystir thread about her MIL?

You really need to set boundaries. Your mum is pissed off all the time so what's the difference?

Is your DD paid for the cleaning?

I mentioned upthread about tech. You say others have done the caring in the past but what did that mean? Just think to the 90s, I was a teen but it wasn't a norm for adults to have mobiles.

I don't think it was a norm to include helping with the TV remote as care in those days. i might be completely wrong but thinking of my grandmother, before she had carers, it was that she called relatives for emergencies outside their care visits.

I don't think it was a norm to take rellies on holidays. Mum would love a holiday but that was a hard no from us. More than likely, she'll have a panic attack being away from home without dad.

If she falls ill and we had to put her in a hospital miles from where she lives...no. We have said we'll do day trip to somewhere you can get a cab. That's it.

I will have a look for Joystir's post.

The problem is that without help she can not get to and from the bathroom. This time last year she could manage easily if she was in bed but the last time she took to her bed she was still calling me to help her to the toilet - ensuite, ten steps!

That is what really ties me to the house. She doesn't have the best bladder control anyway so if I don't respond to her call straight away she has accidents. I have bought masses of Tena ladies but she won't use them because she is saving them for when she goes out! (if this was someone else's mum I would see the funny side so feel free to laugh :-) ) She would rather wear two or three pairs of knickers in a day which adds to the laundry pile. I am going to buy some of those red laundry bags someone mentioned to line the laundry bin.

I have just taken her to the loo and she has complained about what a boring afternoon she has had.

If I got run over by a bus or went down with the flu my daughter would move in and look after her although with my last breath I would be telling my daughter to phone the care company and ask them to send more carers! At the moment my daughter and my husband are furloughed but we are hoping they will go back to work eventually (indoor hospitality/leisure).

Yes, she pays my daughter for cleaning and would pay her more. She would rather pay for cleaning than care but care is more essential in my eyes. There isn't a lot of cleaning to do but having my daughter there leaves me free to go to Tesco - my husband and I know how to have a good time LOL!

hairbrush "If I got run over by a bus or went down with the flu my daughter would move in and look after her although with my last breath I would be telling my daughter to phone the care company and ask them to send more carers! "

And I'm using my current breath to say - get more carers.

Ithink two things - does she get disabled living allowance? It's not means tested. Has she asked the gp for a referral to the incontinence nurse/team because it's possible that something could be done?

The other way to look at it is that other people can provide care/clean/garden/fix stuff but only you can be the wife/mother in your household.

She has been assessed as only needing two care visits a day. Strangely from the time the carers started she began to get herself dressed every morning instead of calling me to get her dressed ......

She doesn't get DLA but she does get the lower rate of Attendance Allowance. My understanding is that she doesn't qualify for the higher rate because she sleeps alone all night. Although a few times she has called me around midnight/1 am to tell me that the carers haven't come "and now it's lunch time". That has improved since I bought her a gro clock and have convinced her that it is not morning unless the clock is yellow.

I meant AA, I have no idea where I produced DLA from.

I feel for you, I really do. In my mother's ideal world I would have moved back into the spare room, so we can be together all of the time, and we'd spend the day drifting around the shops (ignoring that she can't stand for that long and they are shut), eating out (chance would be a fine thing) and then returning for a night in front of the tv. She can't grasp that my idea of a fun time might not match up with hers.