The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Wednesday is technically my day off...when I do my writing workshop in the morning.

And the angio/stent will probably require me staying for at least two nights with her.

I was hoping DD might do an overnight at her dad's during the Easter break but I can't ask her to do that just for me to have a break if it might be necessary when mum has the procedure. She's not her dad's biggest fan and really not in a good place with his partner atm.

I feel like I keep dragging her into situations she could do without when she least needs it

Minty oh I see. Fingers crossed for a good outcome at the doc.

I had to take DM for a blood test at lunch time, came home and meant to throw out the slices of pizza that were left in the fridge from the weekend. Accidentally ate them instead.

I'm due to take her for her second jab tonight, she says she doesn't want it, as she doesn't want to leave the house again today. We'll see.

nota The Curious Incident of the Pizza on A Wednesday

Btw how old is your mum, if you don't mind me asking?

She's 93. Her mum kept on going strong til she was 99, so there is every reason to think she'll do the same. I've just turned 57 and can't see me getting to 60 (certainly not with lunches like that one. Hic).

Things I wished I'd known about earlier - red laundry bags. They are designed for soiled laundry and have a dissolving strip so you chuck the whole thing straight into the washer without dealing with the contents. Not so good if there are hearing aids in pockets or cashmere sweaters in there but for bog standard washing they would have been a life saver. You can also get machine washable slippers which I bought after I'd thrown three pairs of sheepskin ones away.

Acorn the cat litter for humans has the enticing name of vomit powder or spill clean up powder and makes clean up easier as it absorbs liquid. I've never used it myself, generally I'm lucky to find gloves and a bucket.

Just spoke to Dad at the home...he didn't sound sure of where he was but seemed to grasp it when I explained it to him. Complained that mum's gone off him since he's been ill 😒. Had to tell him that we're not allowed to visit at the mo. On the upside he said he was watching something good on TV and had had a nice lunch. Mum will get the spin-doctored version of the conversation...

Ooohhh thanks for that Knot I've just ordered some red laundry bags.

Minty that sounds like a positive conversation with your dad. It has given you the time to spend on your mum's health needs because you wouldn't have been able to run her to the GP and look after him too. It might not make you feel better about it but it might be a positive for her.

Someone here mentioned the red laundry bags to me, I wish I'd known about them sooner.

It's not been one of my better days, I know deep down that the reason is that my recurring ear infection stopped me sleeping last night. Today I have no patience for the same question again and again or the "I'll just be here in my lonely sojourn" message or the constant phone calls.

Hi

There's a thread here about similar issues with an elderly parent

I thought maybe you lovely people might have advice

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4204853-Unhappy-at-GPs-regarding-elderly-parent?watched=1&msgid=106079318#106079318

Thanks for the info about the powder and bags

Knot what's the deal with ear infections, poor you.

Thanks for the laundry bag tip knot and are you getting action for your ears? Sounds rough.
minty you’ve got a lot on with your mum - your dad is being taken care of, so try and regroup if you can.
Had to decline dm’s second jab appointment as due to collect dd but fortunately got a new date next week- phew.

It's turned out I've got the wrong end of the stick and the heart appts are next Thursday and the following Monday.

Mum has got a second lot of antibiotics for her leg on the assumption it's an infection rather than a clot...

Small breakthrough here. Nan has agreed to a carer to help her in the mornings and do some everyday jobs for her. This will take a huge amount of pressure of me. Also, and this is horrible I know, I dont like going in the mornings. When the inevitable happens, I dont want to be the one to find her...I couldnt cope with that.
Hope you are all well xxx

I have been lurking in the cafe for a while, but today can I join you just to say aaaaaaargh! to people who are dealing with the same shit?

Literally shit, for me today: for the first time I had to clean up my DF after an episode of diarrhoea in his incontinence pants when he didn't make it to the commode in time. He had just been discharged from hospital a few hours earlier. Dealing with 'intimate care' had previously been my red line, but I was the only one around to help - DM is also frail and disabled, and the next carer visit was not due for hours - so I just had to do it.

DF is early 80s and has been disabled with multiple health issues for nearly 20 years; he keeps surprising the medics by bouncing back from near-terminal events, but I think we might be entering the final spiral of decline. And I don't like to say it, but I think you lot will understand: it might come as a relief to both me and DM.

Yep, I understand exexpat. I went to some dark places in my head when dad was in hospital earlier in the year. If something could have carried him off at that point, there would have most definitely have been relief alongside grief. And when they broached the matter of a "do no resuscitate" order I was able to say honestly that I know he would be in agreement.

DF has a 'Respect' (?) form that accompanies him on his regular ambulance rides to hospital, which specifies DNR and also now mentions a 'ward based ceiling of care', which I presume means they would not put him through ICU treatment. He spent five weeks in ICU nearly 20 years ago, and we all know that it would be futile for him in his current frail state.

exexpat I totally understand. Quality of life is the thing.

My mum has a DNR. The GP was very unhappy that she asked to do it. She wasn't yet 80 and they had tried to persuade her into having a pacemaker but there's a serious longevity problem in her family and she was worried about prolonging her life.

She said they were irritatingly grim faced throughout the whole form signing thing and she wanted to crack a joke but it wouldn't have been well received!

@exexpat it's quite a rubicon to cross isn't it? If someone had told me a year ago I'd be wiping my dad's bum and administering suppositories, I'd have laughed in their face.

I think we can all relate to the grief/relief conundrum. I feel like I've pretty much lost my dad already, but it's been such a long drawn out process I can't imagine how I will actually grieve when the time comes.

Also, and this is horrible I know, I dont like going in the mornings. When the inevitable happens, I dont want to be the one to find her...I couldnt cope with that.

@Nodancingshoes I hope that's not something you have to deal with, and I don't know if this is reassuring but...when my lovely nan in law passed, it was me and my ex MIL that found her. We'd had a call to go round and say our goodbyes as she only had a few days, but she slipped away about 90 minutes after we arrived.

MIL and I were having a cuppa in the next room and realised during a lull in conversation we couldn't hear her breathing (she was 89 and had pneumonia, MIL was a care nurse so she stayed at home).

When we went in it was immediately apparent that she'd passed, and also that 'she' was no longer inhabiting her body...it sounds woo but it was very obvious to me that her soul, the essence of who she was, had left her body, and in a way I found that immensely calming and comforting. It was, as the poem says, like she had simply walked into another room where we couldn't see her, and as such wasn't at all frightening.

@AcornAutumn Quality of life - absolutely. He has been through so much over the past couple of decades, and despite his mobility and independence being chipped away progressively by a succession of health crises and conditions, I would say that until recently he was still getting quite a lot out of life - he was mentally all there, read the Times every day, supervised work on the garden and in the house and so on.

But now he is constant pain, suffers from episodes of acute confusion and agitation (probably brought on by a combination of pain meds, infections, constipation and diabetes) particularly when in hospital, has lost his dignity, and I suspect there is also an element of vascular dementia starting to affect his underlying cognitive state. It is not a life I would wish on anyone.

And possibly because he has nearly died so many times over the years, during which time other people close to me have died far too young, the prospect of it does not seem daunting any more.

I think we can all relate to the grief/relief conundrum. I feel like I've pretty much lost my dad already, but it's been such a long drawn out process I can't imagine how I will actually grieve when the time comes.

My mum left the building some time since. The woman I care for can't remember much about me (do I take sugar, how many siblings do I have) and the connection that we had is pretty much gone. There was one day about a month since where she was enough like mum, it was lovely and I went home and cried. I've done my grieving for the mum I knew, her personality is slowly draining away.

I dont want to be the one to find her...I couldnt cope with that. Yeah, that's one thing I don't miss, coming i to the house with the burgalar alarm not set, and going from room to room looking behind furniture, expecting to see a collapsed form on the floor. Always a relief to find he's simply forgotten to set the alarm

Quality of life is the thing. It can be very difficult. My Dad is adamant that he wants any treatment going and wants to live as long as possible. It would be much easier if he put a priority on quality of life. As it is, I have to do a judgement as to whether he realised the implications of any particular treatment, while making sure to anyone who comes near him knows full well his intention to keep going as long as possible. It's always a fine balance between respecting his wishes and avoiding cruelty. And no way to know whether I've got it right.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Quality of life is the thing. It can be very difficult. My Dad is adamant that he wants any treatment going and wants to live as long as possible. It would be much easier if he put a priority on quality of life. As it is, I have to do a judgement as to whether he realised the implications of any particular treatment, while making sure to anyone who comes near him knows full well his intention to keep going as long as possible. It's always a fine balance between respecting his wishes and avoiding cruelty. And no way to know whether I've got it right.

I'd respect his wishes. Quality of life is my choice, I'd not claim it for anyone else. He wants to reach 100 I think you said?