The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@Knotaknitter

I meant AA, I have no idea where I produced DLA from.

I feel for you, I really do. In my mother's ideal world I would have moved back into the spare room, so we can be together all of the time, and we'd spend the day drifting around the shops (ignoring that she can't stand for that long and they are shut), eating out (chance would be a fine thing) and then returning for a night in front of the tv. She can't grasp that my idea of a fun time might not match up with hers.

My mum was a bit like that and I've learned that my father wanted us to spend more time there but he realised that it was too much to ask.

It took an honest conversation with mum. Also I remind her that we aren't young - she thinks 40 somethings are young but in reality, I think we are well past the age of being comfy enough at someone else's house.

It doesn't help that people lie. My cousins hate spending the night away from home but when they are allowed, they have promised mum overnight visits. She thinks they are fine with the house locked up and alarm set at 10pm because they tell her that but they are just sitting in a bedroom on their phone with no TV like they'd get in a hotel.

I'd respect his wishes. Quality of life is my choice, I'd not claim it for anyone else. He wants to reach 100 I think you said? I worry, because his wishes are based on a rose tinted view where all pain can be controlled.

I think he probably wants to reach 150

@Knotaknitter if I didn't know better I would think we were talking about the same woman! Although my mother can't walk and needs to be pushed in a wheelchair. That would really be mum's dream. I have promised her that as soon as the weather is warm enough to eat outside we will go out for a walk and visit a cafe but I'm not making any promises about going into shops.

@Knotaknitter

Another one here whose mum is exactly the same.

She lived with her own mum until she was 40 and I was nearly 3 so the pressure is immense.

Just come for Covid jab...she's lost/thrown out her card and is saying she feels unwell, although the OOH GP yesterday advised that even with the infections she should go ahead with the vaccine.

She also just had an epic whinge at the fact I haven't been able to drop her immediately outside the door of the van centre. I am about 30m away on the correct side of the road .

DM had forgotten she had told me she didn't want to go out for the jab on Wed evening, so that all went ok.

I had taken her for a blood test Wed lunchtime, and I got a text through from her surgery Thurs evening for an appointment with the nurse who took the blood for first thing Tues. It was after their hours, so no point in me phoning to ask what it was for. The carer tells me they phoned DM directly to talk to her about it, but of course she has forgotten what they said. It's on her bloody notes that she has dementia and they are supposed to deal with me. Problem is I have got meetings lined up for Tuesday morning, so I'm not actually available to take her.

I'm going to have to get in a phone queue for 8am Tuesday after the bank holiday to see if it is urgent or can be rearranged.

I don't think it was a norm to take rellies on holidays. Depends on family, I expect. We didn't take frail parents on holiday but we did take lonely ones - my father after my mother died, for several years, and FIL after MIL died for a couple of years. I'm not a particularly family minded person, nor an unselfish one, so I must have felt at some level it was normal.

hairbrush If she has money to pay, could you talk to a care agency and see if they can provide someone who will do cleaning but be prepared to take her to the loo?

The other way to look at it is that other people can provide care/clean/garden/fix stuff but only you can be the wife/mother in your household. Only you can be the daughter, but because you're being carer/cleaner/gardener/fixer you can't be a daughter.

Well that was fun...not!

As per when I drive mum anywhere we ended up having a row about her giving me directions and generally treating me like a learner driver in a town I'm unfamiliar with.

My pointing out that it was rather frustrating to be treated like an inept 10yo prompted her telling me that I treat her the same way and have taken over everything. Then she started talking about having dad back home in a few weeks, to which I replied "well, if that's what you want I can't stop you...you're next of kin".

To which she informed me that she would be telling the NH that they are to take their instructions from her, not me anymore as I was trying to control everything.

Pointed out I was only doing that to take the pressure off her as she kept saying she couldn't cope...

She is now not sure whether she is going to come round for Easter lunch tomorrow...

I always take those sorts of threats with a sense of relief.

(That's why I have a named spot on the bad daughter bench).

Mum had her second jab yesterday and she is right as rain. I've spent a couple of hours with her after the carer left - it has been our routine since dad died because my husband usually works all day Saturday. But I was half way through my lunch and she phoned to say that she had lost the channel she wanted! So I have to go back and sort it.

She's in a really good mood today so I don't mind so much about spending time with her.

I get your problem with the surgery. They know I'm her carer but they still phone her and then I have to phone back to confirm what they said because she doubts herself.

@notaflyingmonkey

I always take those sorts of threats with a sense of relief.

(That's why I have a named spot on the bad daughter bench).

Yeah, I just said "Well I'll be cooking anyway so let me know when/if you want picking up or if you're going to make your own way round."

Mere "I'm not a particularly family minded person, nor an unselfish one, so I must have felt at some level it was normal."

But you had children so you must be more family oriented than I am?

We took mum on holiday for a couple of years after dad died.
She didn't enjoy it...or at least didn't seem to so we didn't ask again.
Pre covid she went with my golden boy brother and his dd for a week each summer...she seemed to enjoy that.
She's coming for lunch tomorrow but generally eats then leaves.
Pil coming at 3pm to sit in the garden. I hope its not too cold!
I'm currently trying to sort out my altering my Will, LPOA etc
I'm 50 next year and I don't think I'll make old bones.
cheerful

I went on my own with my mum but I couldn't do it now. I wouldn't take her on holiday with me and dh.

She now says she enjoyed the holidays but...she seemed utterly miserable the whole time 🤷‍♀️

Jen "I'm 50 next year and I don't think I'll make old bones."

George Michael age would be enough for me

It's such a relief to have somewhere to say it

I have to try to get mum to emotionally detach from me because I might go first. I don't want to go first but like I said...I was not prepared to hit 40 and have parents.

Two of my friends lost parents lost parents recently, aged 64 and 71. They saw their grandparents in their 90s so though there's been a shock factor, they know that it's best for everyone really. cheerful

Well I've just called mum and 'enjoyed' another bout of guilt tripping, abuse and mind fuckery...such fun.

Apparently I treat her like a child, try to control everything (because she constantly says she can't cope), everyone else is more understanding/patient/sympathetic and all her friends are baffled as to why I haven't gone to stay with her for at least a fortnight while dad settles in at the home.

Fuck
This
Shit

Oh Minty, I'm sorry

My mum's friends are baffled I don't live with her

Hell, even one of my friends suggested it! In their case, it's because they see Acorn's lovely mummy - and yes she is lovely - and think, oh, they love each other, it's a big house - but is right for a woman in her prrrrrime to live with an 80+?

One of the reasons the flat is happy is because, fingers xd, touch wood etc, I enjoy my life. I cannot pick up that life and put it one room of a fussy elderly person. She wouldn't even let dad in the garden after 7pm in summer. It's like she thinks monsters will eat you.

Sorry, that was all me. I hope your mum snaps out of it.

Checking in to offer sympathy and understanding here on the bad daughter bench.
Hope everyone gets something out of tomorrow even jus5 an excuse to eat chocolate.
And minty extra 🍷for you.

Side note

Can anyone offer this poster help with DOLS?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/a4208911-Dols?msgid=106166142#106166142

Oh minty I'm sorry. You know it's all bullshit though, right? Projection and fear.
As for her "friends"...is it them telling you that you are an awful daughter or her telling you that's what they are saying?
I had this with mum a few weeks ago if you remember?
Asking me for help then telling me that I had "too much power" and that she didn't control anything (???)
So the next time she says anything about not being able to cope you tell her...if you help her you do not even expect to have it thrown back in your face at a later date!
I know that people react differently to grief/trauma but her treatment of you is not ok. She is supposed to love you.
You are both grieving the person your dad was - her pain does not trump yours.
I hope in the future you salvage a relationship with your mum but its ok if you can't. You aren't a robot designed to meet her every need.
Please look after yourself xxxx

It's been a year now and I've cried for dad briefly on 3 occasions. All the other times I've been upset it's been over mum.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to grieve for my dad properly because of everything revolving around mum so much, but I guess it will all shake down at some point.

I hear you.
Its been nearly 8 years since we lost dad...I can't grieve properly because I have no mental or emotional space to do so and mum made it VERY clear her grief trumps mine (or anyone else's for that matter)
It'll all come crashing down at some point I'm sure.

Interestingly, Mum has conceeded I've had a couple of "good ideas" lately :)

@MintyCedric

It's been a year now and I've cried for dad briefly on 3 occasions. All the other times I've been upset it's been over mum.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to grieve for my dad properly because of everything revolving around mum so much, but I guess it will all shake down at some point.

Everyone has different views on grief

I had a lot of people tell me not to cry in front of mum, which I did my best with

A lot of my grief was before he died

I got annoyed last night because someone posted her mum died and got one reply saying "it doesn't get better, it gets different". This was said to my recently bereaved friends too.

I get that everyone's different but I honestly believe, for the vast majority, it gets better. Two weeks after, I barely knew my name. Two years later, it's okay, it's the natural order of things and I was lucky to have him. I was able to laugh at things within a couple of months. I still remember watching Glastonbury 2019 on the TV and I was just happy, dancing in my lounge, and he'd have wanted that. Eat, drink and be merry, he'd say. He had a good life.
🥂 to dad!

Oh Jen I cross posted

I feel bad now.

Is it awful if I say I don't think it will come and get you 8 years on?

I will creep away now!