The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Exactly! We all work ft, even Dc has a summer job but we change the lightbulbs and mow the lawn whilst the others have tea. Also, she will never phone me as she says I’m too busy but if I don’t phone as expected I get the snippy treatment and the list of chores before a how are you…..she freely phones my sibling.
It really isn’t healthy when I see it written down.
For the full picture, my in laws live closer to me and she seems to think I do everything for them, I really don’t as they pay for a cleaner and gardening help etc. and although I do help, it is an equal share with my husband’s family and we are dealing with dementia in this case. Their house is suitable for elderly living, we are more open about things and it is not so draining.
I bet that didn’t make any sense, just venting and I’ll be nice and calm for work this morning.
Have a good week all.

Just a 50 year old woman who's supposed to ring mummy and let her know she's home safe every time she goes out.

I know...it's infuriating. Actually it's one area where FB is helpful. If we go away or on a day out further afield, I'll check in regularly so she can see I'm still alive without me having to deal with her personally.

We all have a code 'AP&C' (all present and correct) that I'll text when I get home late so it's not disruptive but she can check and see I'm home.

It's still totally bloody unnecessary.

@MrsRussell I increasingly feel the same about being an only child. It's a fuckton of work but barely anyone I know with siblings has found them helpful in this scenario.

Brothers her a particularly bad rap, but I have a friend who is one of 5 sisters and it was nightmare when her dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the same time as her mum started going downhill with cognitive decline. 2 lived overseas so had to be accommodated when they came over, the eldest (who was least involved as she lives on the other side of the world) tried to take over everything, one was completely in denial about what was happening, 2 of them weren't speaking to each other already.

The only time it's got to me was when dad was in hospital after his fall. There was a gent on the ward having a hip replacement after a fall and he had two sons and two daughters in their late 30s/early 40s who tag-teamed visiting him and looking after their mum for the duration he was in there.

Seeing them all together sorting stuff out and supporting each other after weeks of battling with doctors and visiting dad on lunchbreaks and after work to make sure he was fed and watered absolutely broke me on one occasion. I remember making it to the lift and just sobbing all the way out to the car.

These days, like you, I think thank God that's another complication I don't have to contend with.

It's not normal you know, having to check in. I had this with a mid fifties friend who had to check in when she arrived at work in the morning and again when she got home. It was all to do with her mother's anxiety. I pointed out that I didn't do that with my just twenties son and she had a talk with her mother and stopped doing it. I notice that the world hasn't ended as a result. It wasn't making her mother any less anxious but more anxious. She was waiting for the text, ooh she's late (obviously abducted by aliens/ on fire rather than stuck in traffic) and the routine of living with her phone in her hand, edgy, waiting, was making her feel worse. My friend told her she was being silly and this wasn't going to be happening any more and that was that.

I had an over the fence discussion with one of my mum's neighbours many daughters last week. I think they are a five woman tag team but some of them have had enough and think mum/granny is being unreasonable. One of them has just booked a holiday without consulting the rest of the family (shock, horror). There is falling out as a result of them not all agreeing on what neighbour needs. It's the first time I've been glad that it's just me.

Yes - to be honest (I sound incredibly uncharitable here but I'm trying to be matter of fact about it, rather than emotive) I think it's about coercive control - I am out of her sphere of control for that space of time and she doesn't like it.
I notice I might add that it's now 10.45 and she's not rung up, so clearly not panicking enough not to get sh*tfaced again last night.

Cross-posted with you yesterday Exexpat I’m sorry to hear your Dad has died and I hope that later on you’ll be able to remember back to the best times. I understand your concerns over your Mum, best as you say not to make any big changes right now but I would have a Very Firm Plan in your own mind.

Knot my DM currently doesn’t have her own phone at the home so I’ve had brief weekly calls – absolutely all I can stand after the recent rollercoaster. But I’m sending her a mobile, cunningly set up so it’s for me to phone her. Also I daren’t turn mine off when she was at risk in her own home but she’s safe now so I won’t feel at all bothered only turning it on when I want now and not responding til the next time to chat – any urgent comms would come from the home.

Minty I think it’s Mrs. R who maybe needs the burner phone (everything I know about these I learned from Line of Duty and The Shadow Line ). I hope you’re getting some down time. I agree about being an only child – on the one hand it is a big and lonely task but I couldn’t cope with fractious siblings too, it would be great if they were all united and supportive but IME that’s often not the case.

Mrs R You have lots of my sympathy. My experience is entirely that no-one will stop drinking until they decide to and they can’t stop for anyone else and equally that anyone involved with someone still drinking needs to make their own plans. I don’t judge drinkers at all for actually drinking and will support with no conditions but drinkers should make decisions, such as e.g. not to own a car, to remove themselves from situations where they are causing harm and to mitigate damage, if they don’t you must make your own decisions to mitgate their effects on you.

Dint I can see both aspects: I don’t want to travel hundreds of miles each time to see DM but it’s do-able on a monthly basis by train. It would probably be better for her and maybe (or maybe not) less stressful for me if I could see her every week.

But I will be leaving where I live in approximately 2.5 years and my house will need to be sold before then. I will be moving back to the area my DM already lives in. My DM has no health conditions apart from Parkinson’s and general frailty of being 90, she’s on no other meds and gets good health reports apart from the Parkinson’s, so she could be in a care home and maybe later a nursing home longer than average.

Because she has cognitive decline, I’m also trying to weigh the disorientation and upset of moves – where I live is a very different sort of place to where she lives (and has always lived), plus it is very expensive, so she’d go through her money at nearly twice the rate. Plus, Covid restrictions are unpredictable. I won’t be making any decisions in a hurry. She seems happy at the moment being taken care of.

Aaaaand I claim my prize!!!
Just had the paramedic phone call.

@MrsRussell are you actually me from 10 years ago? I am 60 and only just coming to the realisation that my 84 year old mother is making unreasonable demands on me and has done for ever. I have always had to contact her a couple of times a day - it was one thing if she was looking after my children but totally unnecessary otherwise.

With lectures and nagging from friends I am trying to change my mindset but it is so hard to stop doing something that is expected.

Mum is still in hospital, I am returning to planet earth and preparing for another "new normal" when mum gets home. She rang me this morning and said she wanted some of those books "you know the ones. You like them and so does Dave [my uncle]" We established that she wants audio books. So we did a quick run into town and found a second hand cd player and then dashed to the library to find some books.

I'm not seeing her today because it would have meant a three hour trip by bus and no way could I have done that and sorted out the cd player etc. My cousin is coming to collect the stuff to take to her and the round trip will take less than an hour.

Sorry MrsRussell. I started writing my message ages ago then finished it and hit send before refreshing and seeing your update. Is she on her way to hospital?

Thanks for all the condolences on my DF. I really still feel nothing but relief - I have dealt with the deaths of my husband (41) and my sister (51), and this is the only death that has felt like it came at the right time, or if anything was overdue.

Just a 50 year old woman who's supposed to ring mummy and let her know she's home safe every time she goes out.

I have had to clamp down on this as well. I have always been a very independent, self-contained person, and spent a large portion of my adult life overseas, speaking or writing to my parents at most once a week. As soon as I was widowed and moved back to the UK, my mother started calling me every night at bed time to make sure I was still alive...

I only managed to wean her off it once my (now ex) DP moved in, and have since managed to ward off her attempts to get back into knowing exactly where I am and what I am doing at all times, even though I no longer have a protective male in the house .

If I let her get into the habit of expecting daily calls, she panics if I am not there, so not letting her develop expectations is better all round. I am now not afraid to point out that her anxieties and catastrophising are totally irrational and I am not going to pander to them, and she seems to accept that.

Sorry your predictions were so accurate, MrsRussell. Hope you can stand firm, not get sucked in and give your DS all the attention he deserves at the moment.

to MrsR

Puts on chart, with satisfaction.
We're having a barbecure with DS currently so he is definitely living his best life today - which is absolutely as it should be. He gets spoilt when she acts up, as a reward to that little girl of 40 years ago that nobody saw. He gets what I never did.

Hope everyone else is having as good a day as possible under the circumstances, whatever they may be.

to mrsR. Your post made me so sad for you. Enjoy your bbq.

Getting a bit chilly now so I'm back in!
They're only discharging the bloody woman tonight!!!!

She moans when her neighbour does it to her, mind you, and says it's stalking. Brilliant! I almost warm to someone capable of that level of unconscious hypocrisy.

Hope everyone else is having as good a day as possible under the circumstances, whatever they may be. Well I'm having a day off, as the nursing home have suggested it might be better not to see Dad, since our son with whom we have a lot of contact has been told to self isolate. And I'm sad because Dad has made it clear how much he values my visits. And so I've written him a long letter this morning as the best consolation I can give. But it's sunny, and this afternoon I am going for a walk with a friend.

They're only discharging the bloody woman tonight!!!! I hope you made it clear you were not available.

Hope your son is okay MereDint and it's just a formality.

Someone called from the hospital and said she was being discharged and I said, "oh that's good!" - I don't think they were expecting that. "How is she getting home?"
Errrrr.... we think someone is booking volunteer transport for her....."Ah, that's brilliant, thanks for letting me know, bye!"

Interesting given the timing of the phone calls over the weekend, that the hospital couldn't actually find anything physically wrong other than alcohol withdrawal. It's almost ... I dunno.... like a tantrum? "If you don't PAY ME ATTENTION I'm going to TELL ON YOU that I'm being NEGLECTED by my BAD DAUGHTER!"
Yeah right, next please.

Have a lovely walk - I've put some laundry on the line, a thing I love doing, and watched a really inordinate number of dragonflies humping on my pond. I don't know what it is with that pond but it's like some kind of dragonfly orgy goin' on out there.

DM's GP just phoned to chase up why I hadn't taken her for the blood test they want her to have. I managed to let them get to the district nurse going to her house to do it option, and cheerily said 'great, thank, bye!'. Teflon coating on (despite being swelteringly hot here).

I had a phone appointment myself with my GP today, which turned into a face to face appointment, which has turned into a referral to a neurologist.

If it transpires I have got something dodgy going on, there is no way I'm going to be hanging around listening to her telling everyone how hard it is for her to lose another child, I'll cash in my meagre savings and fuck off somewhere where the vodka is cheap and the sun always shines.

Bloody hell Notaflyingmonkey I hope it's not anything significant. I hate that bollox that makes other people's crises all about MEEEEEE.
You can come and put a glamping tent up in my garden and watch the dragonflies shagging on the pond.

I just had a really sweet message from a friend just to say that mum's messaging is not what people do when they're stable. The which I knew anyway, but we've now arranged to go for coffee next year and I think that's made both of us happy. (Not a typo, she lives at the other end of the country so the chances of us being able to book a holiday there this summer now are somewhere between Bob Hope and No Hope....)

nota everything crossed for you- so glad you are being referred.

Thanks - I'm sure it's nothing, but I keep falling over - while out walking on perfectly even pavements, sober. (There is Huntingdon's in my family, so hard not to dwell on the maybes). We shall see what comes of it.

*I've put some laundry on the line" Oh, thanks for reminding me! I've got a whole load I need to take off the line.

nota Fingers crossed for you.

The last time I told mum her washing was on the line she asked me to be sure to put it in the tumble dryer afterwards to air because it might still be damp afterwards. I didn't.

I rang the care company today and they have heard nothing from the hospital or council about mum's needs. If she does not come home within a week she will be off their books. In any event they do not have the space to provide another two visits a day for her. It's not my problem as such but it will be my problem when she has to be cared for by a whole lot of new carers all because "her daughter is too lazy to take her to the toilet a couple of times a day!"

@notaflyingmonkey I hope you get good news from your appointment.

Am a bit mystified here hairbrush.
How are you supposed to know when she needs to pee, or have you got a magic alarm that means you can drop everything right that minute?

I was thinking about you last night, there's a poem in one of the early Chicken Soup For The Soul books about a woman who suddenly wakes up in her middle years and starts saying no, and everybody thinks she's gone absolutely crackers because she's always been so obliging and kind.... I think that's me and you.
Here we go, this is it. It absolutely blew me away the first time I read this.
counselling-matters.org.uk/angelas-word/

MrsRussell I was brought up to put myself last, it was a revelation when I found out that it was not my job to make everyone else happy. I wish I'd found that out decades earlier. I am a work in progress but I'm getting better at not sacrificing myself for someone else's convenience (so, no I won't be the contact number on MIL's fall alarm)

Hairbrush Is your mum medically fit for discharge? In my (limited) experience nothing happens until then. At the moment MIL is fit for discharge but sitting in hospital until they've sorted her care package out, she's been in nearly two weeks so her previous carers are now elsewhere. It's not going to be your problem to arrange care, the hospital social worker assigned will sort it all out. They get paid to do it, they do it every day. This is the first step in letting things be someone else's problem.

If your mother did have full time support it wouldn't be one person. There would be a team because each individual is entitled to some down time and their own lives. As family, should we not be entitled to that as a minimum?

Absolutely do not be that contact number Knot I am (basically because she literally hasn't got anybody else...now that raises questions, doesn't it?) and they thought nothing of ringing me in the early hours and asking me to go round and see if she was all right.
And what, pray, do you think I'm going to do if she isn't? That's right! I'm going to RING AN AMBULANCE! So why don't we cut out the middle man and do that in the first instance?

Appreciate they're busy too but really....use some common sense here, eh?