The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

minty thinking of you. Hold your nerve. Glad you put your dd’s needs first.
Please repeat to your dad and the carers that the current situation is untenable.🌺🌺

Cheers all.

I didn't mention the convo with the carers to mum, she's upset enough already and I genuinely don't think we can take dad's comment at face value.

Dad has been on brilliant form this morning...whole tub of porridge and cup of tea for breakfast. Another half a cup of tea mid morning, then half a pot of teriyaki noodles and 2 portions of Angel Delight for lunch!

In between that we've had a chat and he managed to exchange a few words on the phone with his brother for the first time in months.

I feel a bit guilty and worried about what the next two or three weeks will hold, but at the same time as if a weight is very slowly being lifted.

Minty, I think it's right not to mention it.

Hi Minty glad to hear your dad has been better today. They do vary don't they? Saw mum today, she looked at death's door after being all chirpy and with it last Sunday. She could barely walk, really hope she perks up before she's due to go home. No way could she in this state.

Have you heard of the Essential Care Giver status that the govt have recommended care homes allow? It means you can be a carer for your dad in the home in addition to your mum's visits and spend a lot more time with him, feeding him etc. You should be permitted to visit a lot more than a regular visitor (although not sure how your mum would cope with that??) Not all CH's are up to speed with it though so you may have to push for it. The Rights for Resident's Facebook page has lots of info on how to apply,what you need to say etc.

@OnthePiste

I hadn't heard about that but it is so helpful.

As it stands he can have one named visitor to his room in PPE, and anyone else has to visit him in the visiting pod, but as he's bedridden that's really not an option. He could be hoisted etc but really didn't like it last time so wouldn't want to put him through it now he's so much more frail.

I will look into it over the weekend while I'm doing the other prep.

Does any one have a list of suggestions or link to things he could take in to help him settle? They are putting an Echo dot in his room and can help him video call us on tablet or laptop.

I'm packing some dark chocolate buttons for him and doing them a little info pack (which they've requested) about his life, interests, and needs, and have started knitted him a fidget blanket which probably won't be ready before Monday but hopefully can drop that off in the week. Am also going to get a multiple picture frame as last time.they asked if we'd like to take one in to hang on his wall so will fill it with family photos for him.

Do you count botany and music as part of free time? Yeah because fundamentally they're things I do for me. (But sometimes, if life is on top of me I add them to my job list because otherwise they'd be squeezed out entirely. I took out one of my instruments the other day and realise that the reason I'd put it away was to clear the room for Christmas. That's bad. If we're going to be able to play together in the summer, I need some practise. But can't motivate myself at the moment).

mere I just wondered because things feel like chores when I put them on a to do list.

Back from mum's. She is starting to chuck out photographs, it feels like progress. Famous last words...

I managed four hours tidying in my garden yesterday, which should count as a chore, but which I found really enjoyable. Amazing how I can lose myself in doing quite physical stuff. Cleaned out the greenhouse and have ordered some potting compost so that sounds like my Easter weekend is sorted! Planning on getting DM's grass cut today as well if I can. She always moans at me when I do it, but her garden looks so much smarter when it's done.

Something odd that I have stopped doing is reading. I love reading, but can't seem to manage it since lockdown. (I usually commute by train, so that would be my reading time), but since WFH, I have lost the ability to concentrate on them. I think its a stress thing combined with the bad habits I have formed around blurring the lines between work and home.

nota I struggle with reading anything substantial these days too.

Started a book in January and am still ploughing through it, normally I'd get through something similar in 3 or 4 days.

I'm listening to audiobooks a lot at the moment. I don't have a dishwasher so it makes washing up less tedious.

Just arrived at The Olds to mum announcing that she 'wonders if dad will be going in to the nursing home tomorrow'...

I was here, sitting next to her on Friday when I took the call to say they would be picking him up between 1.30-2pm tomorrow, told her and she burst into tears.

She has absolutely no recollection of that at all.

Apologies...name change fail ^

Hello - checking in here for the first time today.

DF passed away in Jan from covid leaving behind my DM. DM has had a very complicated case of covid - three hospital admissions since xmas, just out of ITU and expected to pull through but no info yet on what recovery will look and what support she will need/get (both physically and mentally - as she has been diagnosed with PTSD given everything she has been through so far).

Joining for moral support as I’m already stressed beyond belief with the level of expectation placed upon me (twice she’s been discharged and assessed as not needing any care but realistically has needed someone there 24/7 for both physical and mental support and twice she’s deteriorated medically and needed further emergency admissions). We thought we were going to lose her last week and my overwhelming reaction was relief - her relief from suffering and our relief from caring responsibilities. I’m obviously delighted with her progress, but can already feel myself getting irritated with her constant demands and shit scared of what the future will look like for her and us.

So hello to all, and looking forward to getting to know you all.

@Lovelydovey welcome and a supportive virtual hug.

I'm sure everyone on here can relate to your feelings and fears, and will be able to offer support and advice. I think I'd have gone doolally over the last couple of years without this place and my best mate.

What kind of support do you have?

...and sorry for the loss of your DF

Hi lovely

I have a habit of calling close ones lovely in real life so this is funny!

I'm sorry for everything you've have been through. I am relieved you mentioned relief because...yeah. This is the only place I can skirt around the edges of the unsayable. I hope you find it useful.

Minty tomorrow will hopefully be a relief for you because there'll only be one to deal with on a daily basis.

nota ooh, so jealous re garden!

Welcome lovely to the safe place where we can say the unsayable to understanding and sympathetic listeners. You’ve been through the mill. 🌺🌺. As others say, where is your support?
nota time in the garden is so healing. Felt guilty about not visiting dm but my phone call to her confirmed I was right not to..... and carried on potting dahlias. Today involved doing her lunch and loads of admin for her.
minty everything crossed for you.

mere I just wondered because things feel like chores when I put them on a to do list. Yeah, I know what you mean. But if the choice is "finish reading this book" looks like a chore to be ticked off, and not getting to finish reading it at all, being on the list is the better option.

Welcome lovely to the club that none of us want to be a member of. Pull up a chair and prepare to get comfy.

Good luck tomorrow Minty hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

Good luck tomorrow Minty hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

I just hope to God I don't get there tomorrow morning and find Mum has forgotten he's going again.

I keep thinking 'was I clear enough? But I took the call in front of her, checked the day/timing with her as I had the conversation. She then phoned Dad's brother to tell him and broke down, and we had a discussion about calling Dad's best mate but decided against it as it was his birthday.

Since then we've talked about me and DD staying overnight on Monday and her coming to us for Easter lunch.

I'm trying to convince myself it's just stress but am starting to panic a bit.

Fingers crossed for you Minty

I can't recall who first used the expression "turbo witter" on here....very good phrase.

But today it occurred to me...I find it hard to believe that mum ever turbo wittered at dad. Maybe she did and he ignored it? I have a feeling she didn't though.

I managed to cut today's phone call to 15 mins which is really good.

My sister gets less hassle because she is much more matter of fact, much more like dad. I think there's an expression about children - everyone fed, nobody dead, or some such? She sees giving care that way, which makes it a lot less stressful. I think I am learning to do the same.

Thanks all for the warm welcome.

I visited DM again tonight and she was much more perky and you could see signs that she was recovering. She asked me to cream her feet which I did and which clearly relaxed her - I made a joke that I was only happy to do that because I was in full PPE to which she responded that I had better get used to her body as when she was home I would have to empty her commode. I’m afraid I snapped and said I didn’t think that was my responsibility and rather upset her. But I am so cross at the assumption that I am happy to do that. Especially when she refused to have my DF home for palliative care as she didn’t want to do any level of caring or nursing (she is a trained nurse though hasn’t practised for years), didn’t look after her DM and moved 70 miles away so it wasn’t her problem and used to regularly criticise my DF for the care he provided his DP.

But being constructive when I am in tomorrow I will ask to speak to the OT and discharge coordinator and try and draw some red lines about what I will and won’t do. I also want to speak to the medical team about putting in place decent monitoring and follow up given this is her third admission for the same thing in 2 months.

@AcornAutumn funny you talk about different expectations. In my DM’s mind, one DB is exempt
from any expectations as he lives abroad and has a young family, one DB is largely let off the hook as he is too emotional, the youngest works too hard to be expected to do anything but yet she expects it of me (the only girl, most local but also with two tweenage DC and a full time job).

@MintyCedric wishing you all the best for your DF’s move. It sounds like covid has made everything more stressful!

I need to work on my support and coping mechanisms. My DH is fed up of me whinging about it all. I have got a counselling session (through work) set up for after Easter - hopefully someone I can just let off steam to!

Lovely oh that's terrible.

Is discharge likely to happen soon? What sort of care will she need?

I think I misled when I said "my sister gets less hassle". I don't mean she won't do things, just that she is much more sensible about it. I made the mistake of giving mum too much attention I think.

Also, mum sees me as being the one you can talk to but I have now said to her I cannot cope with it anymore. So 15 mins on the phone was good. I know she'd rather talk for longer - and boy, can she talk about depressing things - but I can't cope with it so hopefully that's a line drawn.

Hi @Lovelydovey - I'm so sorry for your loss and I absolutely understand your fears.
Good luck for today @MintyCedric

Have stayed to scale back the time I am spending at my nans house in preparation for going back to work this week. She is able to manage on her own but would rather I did it apparently...We had her to ours for tea last night and for the first hour she was rocking and moaning with the pain in her arm. So much so that I escaped upstairs for a break. DH said that as soon as I went, she stopped. It was as it she didnt need to do it without an audience. Anyway her mood improved after that and it was almost a nice afternoon. We shall see what this week brings

Thinking of you today Minty, I hope everything goes off as planned.

Hope the transfer goes smoothly @Minty

Not getting off to a great start. Arrived at mums to find her obsessing about bloody L again .

Probably a subconscious distraction technique but frankly I could slap her already and I've been here half an hour.