The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

sandwich My dad thinks a mobile phone costs "a £ a minute", and so all I have to do is bellow down the phone (he is hard of hearing) I'm On My Mobile, and he is saying goodbye within 30 secs. (Whereas actually we're both PAYG with Giffgaff, so calls are free).

Where we do our voluntary work has very patchy coverage - you get it on the tops, but not in the valleys. So I day doing voluntary work was extraordinarily relaxing.

😉😉dint it is a custom for every holiday I buy and post a postcard the day we arrive…. Often frantic searches for postboxes!!

binary I am the further away . I have already done 20 trips this year my sister 0 . She has however hassles our elderly mother about her will. How do I deal with that? She my sister in my opinion is the lowest of the low but occasionally rings out mum and as our other sister Was murdered a few years ago my mum wants to stay in contact. I have no idea how to middle through

Muddle bloody autocorrect

It must be very frustrating for you Onwards but what I said about the two sisters wasn't really about who was the nearer but that one sister spends her time trying to get the other sister to do something the other has no intention of doing. I don't think you can control what your sister does, but you can control what you do. If you keep doing everything under these conditions, hoping that somehow your sister will do something different you could just have a worse time.

I don't know what options there are in your particular case, or what your relationship with your parent is but there are people with a statutory duty to your parent (GPS, adult social care, specialist community teams e.g. physio or psych) and I have found it important to get them involved if a parent needs an ongoing level of care and to ensure they know what family will and will not do. It's possible your parent will need to provide co-operation and finances to help their situation depending on what's happening but in your position my focus would be what I can and can't do, not the sibling no matter what I thought of her.

@thesandwich

😉😉dint it is a custom for every holiday I buy and post a postcard the day we arrive…. Often frantic searches for postboxes!!

Do they still sell postcards?

Oh yes if you search out the bucket and spade shops ….. or national trust of course…….

Binary, you did the right thing with your mother. I know it was not always easy to set things up as they are now for her. At one stage I was friendly with a single woman in her 50s (Paula) who's mother had altizimers. Her mother needed to be put into a nursing home. Paula told me she had people tell her mother why isn't Paula letting you live with her? Paula then had to deal with her mother being upset and wanting to go home.
Paula had a job with a mortgage and bills to pay so was she ment to put her life on hold for years, lose her house and end up with with a smaller pension to keep her mother living with her.
I have seen several people ending up living with and dealing with elderly parents. The elderly parents expect them to move in, mind them and do everything thing

They refuse to have any extra help. Then other family members who could help do as little as possible and are quite happy leaving it all to X. X is normally a woman.
I have a friend at the moment who has realised that her mother health is declining and she can see the rest of her family will expect her to mind her mother. Her mother did very little to help my friend out with various things despite being in a position to help her. My friend is currently working on a plan that will ensure she not available for 24/7 care. She told me let my siblings look after her or sort out care. She helped them out plenty of times and sorted out money ect for them, meanwhile I was left to manage on dhss payment.

Am I being uncharitable to say that my mother is the mistress of manipulation? I haven't been feeling too well so didn't go to see her on my usual visiting days. She phoned me in tears last night because she hasnt seen me for "nearly a week". Bear in mind that she lives in a house with my sister & adult children so she's not alone.

Tonight I'd just got home from work when she phoned me again in tears to say she was in a state because she'd lost her bank card & had looked everywhere for it - she'd emptied her bag & purse but couldn't find it. I knew I'd put it in her purse last week after getting cash from ATM & she hadn't been out since so there was no reason for it to not be still there.

Told her to ask DSis to help her look but she refused saying DSis would shout at her & that I wasn't to mention it to DSis.

So I go round to DSis house only to find out DM had told DSis about it an hour before she called me. DSis said to me - "I think she's called you because you've not been to see her & this is a way of making you come round" . I asked DM if I could look in her purse and the first thing I pull out is.....yes, her bank card. There's no way she couldn't have seen it.

Leatmarmite if your mother was a master manipulator then you wouldn't have noticed what she was doing. If you can see the strings being pulled then you are more wary for next time. What she has just proved to herself is that she has the leverage to make you visit at a time of her choosing and she managed that by putting a wedge between you and your sister. The new house rule maybe needs to be "there are no secrets between me and sis".

Paula told me she had people tell her mother why isn't Paula letting you live with her? Paula then had to deal with her mother being upset and wanting to go home.

Yep, I get a lot of that kind of thing "...and so and so said Minty can help you with that..." grrr!

Last two visits to dad haven't been great. First one he was alert but completely on another planet, second one he really wasn't with it and seemed to be having some kind of muscle spasms/tick that made it look as though he had Parkinsons.

I've ended up still having to go with mum which is incredibly frustrating as all she does is fuss and mither and I can't get a word in edgeways.

She's had another meltdown about L which she wouldn't go into detail about on the phone last night so have the fallout from that to deal with today as well as a tandem dad visit.

On the upside, the home have acknowledged his end of life status and we now have our own designated daily visiting slot. When offered it mum asked me 'is that good for us?' I told her she needed to decide if it was good for her as I wouldn't be visiting daily.

She's now had her heart procedure rescheduled for three weeks time so that'll be more fun and games .

@Ieatmarmite

Sounds exactly like the sort of stunt my mum would pull.

My stock reply is "Well you don't need it right now so make yourself a nice milky coffee, watch you favourite quiz show and I'll be round to deal with it tomorrow".

I'm still having to go to DM's every morning before work to put ointment on her wound. Left her yesterday at 9am, meals on wheels phoned at noon to say when they dropped her lunch she was worried about her chimney which needs sweeping, and she had soiled her hall carpet having not made it to the toilet on time. It's exhausting.

meals on wheels phoned at noon to say when they dropped her lunch she was worried about her chimney which needs sweeping Really gets me when people who have absolutely no responsibility for sorting the problem just drop it on your plate with the expectation you'll deal with it with the highest priority. Couple of visits ago it was "And DadPandiculation needs new shirts". Yes, 'cos it's not as if I have anything else to do this week other than source pure cotton shirts (he refuses polyester because of the fire risk) in the restricted range of colours and patterns that he will accept, order them, get them delivered, put name tags in them.

It's not the job that's the problem, it's the way the order is issued. Not even "DadPandiculation could do with new shirts - would you be able to get some for him?"

Quite Dint. I keep having to remind people that I do actually work, let alone having other responsibilities in my life.

One of my biggest bug bears has been acquaintances/colleagues telling me 'just get more carers in' if only it was that simple to cater for mum's intense emotional needs.

Was round there from 10.30 - 1.30 yesterday (supposed to be visiting dad but mum got time wrong), then back at 5.30 with DD, took us all put for dinner, stayed over. Up at 6.30 this morning and felt awful...haven't been great for a couple of weeks but not sure if it's more physical or mental health issues, although suspect primarily the latter.

There was also a fairly mind blowing revelation about L the carer situation yesterday, which I've discussed with her best friend who she'd also confided in. We've decided it's best not to do anything about it with her heart procedure pending but to say it threw me through a loop is a massive understatement. I really feel o need to step away for a period of time.

Told her I was going home to do the school run and I wouldn't be back as lots to do and feeling unwell so wanted to try and get GP appt. Got the tragic face 'I won't see you until Sunday...' (she has a friend going round for a takeaway tonight) and the parting shot 'I suppose you won't be bothering with dad later then...'

Haven't managed to get GP appt ('you are number 16 in the queue') and waiting for best mate to call me back for a bit of moral support.

Have also just had a email offering me a job interview next Tuesday! Not sure how I'm going to get my head around it,but it's a good move and I think going back to work sooner rather than later would be optimal for my mental health.

Minty best of luck with the interview. It's clear that whatever you do for your mum it won't be enough because she's firmly dug into the martyr role. If you are back at work you have different people to talk to, a different perspective on life and your available time will be limited. You will also have some financial independence. Does the job involve a 200 mile move?

Is she looking at future housing options yet? Something with a built in social element would mean that she wouldn't need you quite so much.

My standards for a good week are that no-one died, I didn't have to call an ambulance or dispose of a body under the patio. It's been a good week then.

@notaflyingmonkey

Quite Dint. I keep having to remind people that I do actually work, let alone having other responsibilities in my life.

Yeah, well I'm retired and my children grown up, so I don't have that excuse. But I do have a life! I'm not waiting at home every day for people to give me jobs to do.

Minty Good luck with the interview! And I pleased to see your comment "Got the tragic face " - you need the emotional detachment to be able to recognise the "tragic face" and not feel you need to respond to it.

Hello all. Just back from a few days away…. Yes dint postcard was sent but may not have landed yet😂😂.
The lifting of the burden felt so liberating. Please, fellow cafe regulars, do whatever you can to have a break( looking at you knot ) plus everyone else.
nota sounds gruelling.And knot can you find any time for you?
minty echo others- working might be good for you in so many ways.
Or you could tell dm you were working when not? Sorry DF isn’t doing well.

Hello all, hope you are having some me time tonight. Well I survived a week away with the parentals. It was a disaster but I’m still smiling (manically) although it may be due to the gin after being abstemious for the week....I think I could do anything now, the Baroness is invincible, until she has a headache tomorrow..... think two gins are enough as I have to drive them home tomorrow. More fun!!!

baroness you deserve a 🥇🥇🥇🏆🏆.
My dms lovely neighbours looked a little surprised when I told them I was going away and they asked if I was taking dm…. I hope I managed to conceal some of the horror I felt……

Minty, you need to go for that job interview on Tuesday. You given up a lot to help her and your father out so its time you got your life back. A new job would let you meet people, boost your income and it gets you off be always available for your mother.
Am I right in thinking that your last employer was not easy to deal with when your parents needed minding/care and this was why you took time off work?
Your right not to do anything about L until after your mother's heart procedure.
I got a call from my friend I mentioned here a few days ago. She's planning to be not available 24/7 for her mother whose health has got worse.

Well she heard of a PT job in a company that been interested in working for and has applied for the job.

God it's so hard. I am 50 and whilst I have a long term partner we don't share finances. People expect you to screw up your own life and future to look after parents in their last few years. I feel constantly under so much pressure.

I've booked next week off work as I feel so tired. I have already booked a carpet cleaner for Monday to try and get the shit stains out of her carpets, and a chimney sweep for Tuesday to sort the soot that keeps falling down (I suspect a trapped bird). What fun.

I mourn the stuff I used to do on annual leave! So I am going to try and limit the DM stuff days to the start of the week, and plan some me stuff for the other days.