The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Yes dint but there are degrees........

Hi I would like to join. I too feel very manipulated into doing everything for my mum. My sibling does nothing. I go every weekend. 200 mile round trip. It's exhausting.

@Onwardsandupwardswego
Morning. Someone wiser will be along soon, I’m relatively new here and on a learning curve, you’ll get some good advice and it’s a safe and welcoming place to be when you’ve had enough and just don’t know what to do. Look after yourself.

Onwards That's not on! That's too far to be doing every weekend. Once a month maybe. Are you on good terms with your sibling? Can you ask them for tips as to how they find the courage not to go? (Or is it the old thing that the sib has a penis and is therefore rendered incapable of functioning unless they have a weekend of complete relaxation?)

Things I've found helpful:

Never explain in detail why you can't go. Just say, eg, a meeting you can't get out of.

Tell them what you can do rather than saying a flat "no". "You want me to look at your dishwasher? Tell me what's wrong with it, and I'll arrange for an engineer to come round".

Use naked bribery. "If you accept social services support now, you'll be able to stay in your own home for longer". "If you accept this help now, then, when I visit, we'll be able to enjoy time together as mother and daughter, rather than me spending all my time doing chores."

Onwardsandupwards your sibling is doing nothing because they don't need to, why should they when you have got it covered. Think about what would need to happen if you were in hospital fo six weeks and then start doing that. If you're cleaning, sort them out with a cleaner. Whatever it is that you are doing (as well as spending over three hours in the car) someone can be paid to do. Your line is "I just can't do this any more, in future I will be coming up once a month and I want to be fun daughter and go out for lunch (add whatever your mum considers to be a fun time). The other three weeks you can see her on Zoom or Facebook or whatever for a chat and a catch up.

If you list out all the things that you are doing then that's a start.

To lighten the gloom a bit - I've just come back from seeing my Dad, and he's getting quite bolshy, firstly telling me to take my mask off so he could lipread what I was saying, saying "they have no legal right to make you wear a mask", and later "If they try to throw you out, they have no legal right. You have the legal right to stay, and I have the legal right to see you and shall tell them so". I had to tell him that I'd got to go to make my dinner

It was good to see him so coherent, and good to see he's got his spirit back.

Rest of visit was a narration of ancient law suits over biscuits and to what extent the "twice cooked" translation of "biscuit" applied.

You are allowed to drop a mask for lipreading, it's one of the exemptions. I looked it up while mum was in hospital with one hearing aid broken and the other missing.

Did he tell you the one about VAT on Jaffa cakes? That one isn't ancient, the VAT was different depending on whether it was judged to be a cake or a biscuit. The arguement was made that stale biscuits soften and stale cakes go hard so a Jaffa cake should be considered a cake rather than a biscuit.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Is your dad any good on the Internet? Sounds like he'd get on like a house on fire with my mum!

Had my second Pfizer first then went straight to mums so I can veg later if any side effects crop up. We actually had a really pleasant few hours which made a nice change, managed to help her with a couple of errands and now home with the house to myself until 7.30pm...feel a bit like I've won the lotto!

knot he didn’t - I was wondering whether to tell him. Thought I’d save it for a letter.

minty Sadly dad has lost all his internet ability.

Glad you are having a good day.

Hi everyone, dropping by at the cafe to have a visit. I am in a similar position to lots of you, teenagers at home, husband and a job and parents requiring more care. Looking forward to having a natter and a vent and getting lots of tips and advice.

It's been a grim week but I'm ok, mum's ok and should she need a permanent move to a care home I know she's seen one that is suitable. She's having a week's respite care and it is the best thing since sliced bread. That's my view, she'd rather be living with me. I hadn't realised how much of my life is given over to anticipating her needs and being available for the endless reassuring phone calls until all of that went away. I don't have to monitor how many slices are left in the loaf, the level on the milk, how many slices of ham are left - I don't have to run her life as well as mine.

I have no idea what's happening after Monday, I'm supposed to be having a call back from a social worker tomorrow. Mum wants to be home (but in an hour she may want something else) but I am not convinced that is a possibility. I am turning the decision over to someone who knows more about this than me and who doesn't have an interest in the outcome. When I saw her on Tuesday I would have said that there was no way she could live alone but she was a different person this afternoon. I am hoping that this is down to the changed memory medication that she started on Monday, if so there is a possibility that this will turn back time. She could remember getting up this morning and could describe her bedroom, she's not been able to do that for months before the fall.

Fingers crossed for a continued recovery.

Welcome languageBridget, there's always room for another chair at the table. Would you be wanting to enter the competition for worst daughter of the year? I think we should make it a weekly award, there's too much going on in a year.

Welcome bridget sorry you have to join us. Rant, vent ask away- lots of sympathy and gin here.
knot was wondering how things were for you. So glad your dm is improved- is it because she is being cared for 24/7? And someone makes sure she is eating/ drinking / taking meds?
I hope you can take a break. I totally get the milk/ bread etc stuff- we are( whisper) going away for a few days next week and the effort required to make sure there is enough food/ milk/ meds birthday cards for others etc etc makes me question going away- and as for the BINS.....( only green so less of an issue...)
And great you have found somewhere suitable....
Hope you can get a break of sorts.
How's everyone? minty dint nota hairbrush and everyone else?

Thanks for the welcome. My sibling is female but supremely selfish and a complete cow so no I would say we are not close.! It's just so hard to have boundaries isn't it.

By way of a quick intro, my parents are both 80, my dad is disabled, carers twice a day. Mum picks up all the slack and runs herself ragged. I support from a distance with help with emails admin etc visiting once/twice a month or more if needed, to help with mainly computer, printer issues, admin, gardening. This has all been fine.
I have been trying to encourage them to get more help, cleaner, gardener, more carer visits but my mum is reluctant to have people in the home who "don't even do the job properly". She is a doer and a bit of a control freak. We often discuss what will happen if she got ill.
It happened this week she had to have emergency major surgery. She is still in hospital and will have a long recovery.
My Dad is still at home and I am sharing the caring responsilities with my sibling who has stepped up.
Any advice welcome, I have already increased carer visits, ordered in meals on wheels. My worry is when my mum comes home, she will also need care and is the worlds worst patient. What should i put in place for her return hoping that she will see that it will make their lives easier longterm.

Mother may make me want to scream with frustration but no one makes me laugh like her! Last night I was reminding her that I wouldn't see her in the morning because I was meeting a friend to take the dogs for a run. She turned to the carer and said "No I won't see her in the morning. She and her friend are going dogging in the field!"

She is so very needy. The only time I have alone in the house is an hour or so on Thursday evening. I have been with her until the carer came. I get into the house, sort out the dogs, feed the guinea pigs and put my feed up with the dog on my knee. Then she calls for a chat "What are you doing? What are you watching on TV? I have to go to the loo and it really hurts when I get back into bed." This is 5 minutes after the carer left. I love her but I need some time and space for myself!

languagebridget when your mum is medically fit for discharge from hospital the social workers and occupational therapists will look to see what care or equipment she will need when she returns home. That is the time to make sure she doesn't wave her hand airly and announce without consultation that "Bridget will do it". It's also the time for you to attempt whatever changes would make your life easier. Mum has always resisted carers/key safe/fall alarm as they are for old people but coming out of hospital this time she didn't have much of a choice.

Just tell your parents that you think they will need a cleaner and a gardener because your mum will be recuperating and you can't do it. Would they like you to call a few? If you get lucky then they will keep them on afterwards.

bridget It would seem an ideal opportunity to get in a gardener and a cleaner. Keep them in place when mum comes home "just while you get back on your feet" then hopefully she'll see the advantage of keeping them long term.

knot My dad would go from "Plenty of food! It will last me till Easter" to, 24 hours later, "I have absolutely no [insert staple food], I'm living off biscuits". I had a spreadsheet to keep track of his food, and another to keep track of his medicines.

sandwich Thanks for asking. I'm OK. Currently able to see Dad once a week, but they're loosening up (now up to 5 named visitors), and I admit I'm not looking forward to going back to my previous 2hrs every 3 days regime. I've come out of my winter torpor and am feeling quite buoyant and motivated - a rare state for me. How's things with you?

Thanks Knotaknitter, you are right, I love my mum and the temptation is to agree that I will be able to do the care, but of course she should have outside help and I can be there to help emotionally and practically with admin and other stuff. She will understand that she will need more help. I will also sort our someone to do the garden and a cleaner and even if it is just for her 6 month recovery it will help and perhaps they will keep it going even if it is less frequent.

Great advice from some wise ones who have got the t shirt bridgit
Things can turn on a sixpence for elderlies- and us, actually.
Telling your dm it's until she's better etc etc is a good call. Who knows what the future holds. Trying to anticipate is exhausting but important- getting things in place while you can. Have they got attendance allowance?
dint thanks for asking I'm ok... dms list of visitors has increased.... physio, hairdresser, chiropodist, Gardner etc which helps.
And visits from dbs....... one of whom fails to understand I need to know plans to sort cancel appts/ care and make sure they don't clean her out of milk ....... I know she is desperate to see them but it does add to my mental load and I am NOT catering for them.....
Love the dogging comment hairbrush - glad you got a sliver of time for you.

Finally got DM's skin cancer dealt with this week. They removed a fair bit of skin and basically stapled a dressing to her head while they wait for the results of the biopsy. I've been going every morning before work to apply ointment/administer meds, and despite being every day, doesn't feel so bad because I get the visit over with before work.

Agree Bridget that any coming home from treatment is a great point to get things installed, after a major fall a couple of years back and rehab physio in a care home, that was the point my DM had a gardener and cleaner which was a gateway to more help later. Don't fill the gap - I have had a glimpse of the way in which statutory services will heft what they can onto any available daughters family if they volunteer and it's harder to row back once they've done that

Onwards that journey seems unsustainable and I can't imagine how you do it. I know sisters who are in a similar situation and see it from both sides: nearer sib feels further sib should do the same for the elderly parent, but further sib doesn't want to - there's no resolution because further sib just doesn't feel the same way. As ever, you can only decide for yourself how you will engage and deal.

I have returned from my mission to get DM's carers installed and it has gone well and been exhausting. The key has been to get DM signed up with the agency and, importantly, to exercise my financial PoA (with DM's agreement, she still has capacity atm) to get the financing on stream. A great advantage I have is being entirely unbothered by her spending every penny of my alleged 'inheritance' on her care (and it's a lot, but it means nothing to me).

She has had to go down this road because when she started phoning me at work to say the TV had gone off, I started switching my phones off and because I have the other great advantage of living away which I have paid for by having bleakness and doom relayed down the phone line when I had my scheduled calls. She's now got a degree of Parkinson's dementia which is making things easier actually. She, inevitably, likes the carers (more expensive agency who do lots of general things, coming in for a couple of hours a day atm, mainly for companionship, to check on her and to do what tasks she can't and absorb the feelings of helplessness).

I expect this to be a transition period to a care home, where she really needs to be at 90, a falls risk, with Parkinson's and mild cognitive impairment but I think she won't do that without another phase of me playing the carers as substitutes .

As soon as my father died, she was ready for me to somehow move in with her and become a general factotum, fixer and companion which I was absolutely never going to do, to her annoyance, valuing my own independent life. It's been a long 12 years but I have managed to maintain my mental health (I've been addicted to alcohol, haven't drunk for over a decade) and keep paying my mortgage and pension. She could easily live another 5 years so I have to have my ducks in a row as they like to say on MN.

Cockroaches, salut.

As soon as my father died, she was ready for me to somehow move in with her and become a general factotum, fixer and companion which I was absolutely never going to do, to her annoyance, valuing my own independent life.

That is my mother's solution. From her viewpoint it would be ideal, I'm known and safe and care from me doesn't count as care. Every time she proudly announces that she manages perfectly well on her own with no help at all it makes me feel invisible. After this fall I'm taking two steps back, I didn't realise how miserable I was until this week when all my responsibilities drifted away with a week's respite care. I can tackle anything next week, I've had good sleep and I've been able to settle to things that make me happy rather than jumping for the phone every five minutes.

Knot I'm glad you feel able to step back - it's often these moments of change and relief when we realise how impossible a corner we have been backed into. I'm well familiar with the boasting that goes on from my DM's neighbours and friends about the proximity of their daughters, who effortlessly pop in daily to make their old mothers comfortable - most of them live right next door, apparently, and have no careers. So DM is really unfortunate there, obvs.

not great that you got the skin cancer sorted.
knot so glad you can see how much this is grinding you down. Hope you can get support structures in place so you can step back.
binary well done for setting these things in place.
I bet a lot of these legendary daughters round the corner if they exist are regulars on the stately homes threads………
(whispers) we are going away tomorrow for a few days for the first time in 18months……told dm phone signal is really poor so won’t call…….🤫😆