The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Sorry Baroness but there's a lot of competition for world's worst daughter, you'll have to stand on the podium with the rest of us.

I have asked my son to sit to pee because the toilet is placed next to the shower screen in the newly remodelled bathroom. I had no idea that this would be an issue as I don't generate spray when I pee. There's no mystery about it, the only way there can be urine splatter across the shower screen is if it's him.

It was a three and a half hour stint today and two hours after I left she can't remember that I've been. When am I coming? When I am I coming to take her away? Part of me thinks that if I'm going to get a roasting for not going then I might as well not go and let the care agency do it. I don't know what to do, I can't go on like this but I don't know what to do to make things better. I don't know what mum really wants (other than wanting all me, all of the time) and I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later. This fall and the hospital stay have made her so much more confused and she's angry and upset from about 4pm. I'm going to have to change the dial tone on the phone because I'm starting to feel sick when it rings (and rings and rings).

I think I'm going to have to call for professional help on Monday, does anyone know whether I start with the memory service (because dementia) or the hospital social work team (who are dealing with her post discharge). I don't suppose it matters where I start, someone will point me in the right direction once I've stopped crying.

Oh knot I am so sorry you are going through this. No experience of this, but I wonder if hospital discharge team might give you a more urgent response? Or adult social services?
It must be horrible to go through. Mil was the same, phoning as soon as dh had left asking when he was arriving….. so distressing.
Sounds like she needs a lot of regular care. I’m so sorry.

Baroness my DSis and I had to replace the vinyl flooring twice and ultimately the floorboards in my DF’s en-suite. We had a few heated exchanges, a few gentle discussions, appointed a cleaner, but ultimately the genie was out of the bottle and nothing worked

Oh Knot (((hugs)))

I hope you get through the weekend okay and that you manage to source some help as quickly as possible on Monday.

My mum really struggles with the evenings and being on her own at that time of day, however she is reasonably compos mentis but will do the square root of precisely fuck all to help herself which is what drives me nuts. It's not been a great week on that front and she told me earlier she's going to speak to 'them' about having dad home again.

Anyhoo...

@BaronessSchrader that sounds exactly like the kind of manipulative BS my mum pulls on me. I am so over it at the moment it's unreal.

Happy Saturday...Cockroach one and all!

Knot Sorry you are in tears. This is absolutely the hardest time. I would be tempted to see if there is an emergency out of hours voicemail for either service that you call in your upset state and leave a message. Tears can help convey that you have reached the end of your tether.

Oh knot, sending hugs, and to everyone else too, and thanks for the sense check. I’m smiling at the thought of sharing a huge podium with all of you in the same situation. Long may the smile stay! Although I look a bit scary like Wednesday Adams when I smile.....(a very slightly older version
Take care of yourselves x (very unmumsnetty)

For those that are worried about me, I am better now. The last phone call was nearly two hours ago so I think she's eaten her tea and settled in front of the tv. She's got to make her decisions, whether it's more care hours in the early evening to offer reassurance or whether she wants to try a week respite care. We talked about this before lunch, she was absolutely on the ball then but in the late afternoon she transforms into this upset angry woman who I don't recognise. If you want to stay in your own home then part of that is that you will be spending a lot of time alone. Morning-mum is fine with that but afternoon-mum is a raging ball of fury about having been abandoned.

Part of the issue is that I've had two weeks off caring. I've been to the hospital every day but I haven't had dozens of phone calls in the day and everything was out of my control. I didn't realise how my life revolved around anticipating mum's needs until I stopped doing it.

knot glad you are feeling a bit better now- v interesting insight re having had a break from that state of alert re phone calls.
I’m sure you’ve come across the idea of “sundowning” with dementia where people become much more aggressive/ agitated in the afternoons/ evenings?
Hope you can find some trash tv to escape into. I always find monty so soothing.🌺🌺

@Knot you have my deepest sympathy, DM was like this when she came home from hospital last year. I still flinch when the phone rings, she only calls a few times a day now and her Alzheimers meds seem to have kicked in.
Your DM is entitled to free aftercare on discharge from hospital for up to 6 weeks, if the SW did not arrange it then you need to contact adult social services I believe. There is a crisis helpline if you believe your DM is a danger to herself. You honestly have to get a care package set up, you can't carry on like this. Sending a hug, I know what you are going through.

Just read your update @Knot, that's good to hear. It sounds like she needs more care late in the day. It definitely sounds like sundowning to me too.

@Mum5net oh dear, thanks for the warning I think! This genie has totally escaped

Another one who is suggesting the link between dementia and sun-downing.

Also can you suggest cleaners/carers come in earlier, and earlier? Then one day they say they can’t manage the usual three hours, but can do two one-and-a-half hour visits! And gradually spread extra visits out? You have to be very subtle/sneaky with aged parents🙁.

Evening all from the worst daughter's bench. I have gin and crisps, and can budge up to accommodate any newcomers to my bench, there's always plenty of space!

DH and I have just had 'the' row about moving house. We have this same row depressingly frequently, with the same script each time. He wants us to move away, as do I. However as I can't move so far away that caring for DM becomes something that also entails a long drive, it isn't practical. He then says why can't your DB step up, etc, etc.

I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later

Knot this comment jumped out at me. This is precisely the reason I have been given by dad's care home for their view that dad does not have capacity to make important decisions about his care. He can say what he wants, some of the time, but he doesn't retain the information and doesn't have any understanding of the implications for anyone else.

I also recognise what you say about not realising how much you're dying until it stops. This does sound like the time to press for an increase in care, for the benefit of your sanity and also because it's in your mums best interests even if she doesn't have the capacity to realise it.

I don't even know if she has the capacity to make a decision seeing as she wouldn't remember it two hours later

My dad is much the same but is still considered to have capacity or was when the practice nurse last saw him a couple of weeks before he went into the home .

@Knotaknitter how are you feeling this morning?

Oh my goodness, what a typo in my post.

... how much you're dying until it stops should have been ... how much you're doing until it stops

Although as we all know, sometimes the first one feels about right!!!

Although as we all know, sometimes the first one feels about right!!!

Honestly I read it about 3 times before I realised that might not have been what you meant!

DH and I have just had 'the' row about moving house. We have this same row depressingly frequently, with the same script each time. He wants us to move away, as do I. However as I can't move so far away that caring for DM becomes something that also entails a long drive, it isn't practical. He then says why can't your DB step up, etc, etc.
@notaflyingmonkey This might strike a chord with you.
My DSis is moving 80 miles away from my DM next month as it is the right decision for her. She has stayed near for the last 15 years to assist my parents playing by my parents’ rules and dancing to their tune. Now, only just my DM who is in a care home, but DM could live another ten years. Absolutely let your DB take up the baton and prioritise your own life. Ultimately a switch flicked in my DSis head when she rationalised that DM would do whatever DM wanted in the same situation.

knot do google sundowning. There’s lots of sites offering tips for dealing with it, there might be something helpful there.

Logically I know you and DH are both right Mum5net I just feel so tied to stay near out of obligation. And I resent it, so it makes no sense.

I've been trying to research my family tree recently, and I have just had possibly the best visit ever with DM when I was able to head off the usual monologs by asking her some specific questions about her family and my dad's. Some of the answers were muddled, but at least it gave us a relatively safe subject to talk about.

Respite care is looking to be a popular option all round, that's my job for tomorrow (also call social services, get the car serviced, ring the fracture clinic, ring the optician and hearing aid place, sort out some smoke alarms).

I don't think she would be as random if I was there, she'd get the reassurance and direction she needs to not go off on one. After I've left she forgets I've been and switches to the "poor me, all alone, I never speak to a soul" scenario. Today I was spelling out in small words why she would not be moving in with me and I said it was my turn to do all the things she did she sighed and said that she never got to do anything at all because there was no money. This is a total load of tosh, in the early days of their marriage they had very little cash but when dad retired they were on decent money and they were never in the house. Mini breaks here there and everywhere, day trips, tours, I've had more than one call to say that they'd seen a last minute deal and were off for a six week winter holiday the next day, could I water the plants? She can't remember having any fun so I shouldn't have the opportunity to have any? Bugger that.

I have a plan, I'm going to call social services and ask for an assessment and help. Wish me luck.

knot amazing how selective the elderlies memory can be. Dm can seem to have blocked some recent memories of being taken out if it suits her beliefs. With no dementia.
Hold your nerve and good luck unravelling everything. Sounds like a very full day if not weeks work. Wishing you strength and hope you get what you need.
The fire brigade came and did safely checks in dms close after one bid set fire to her kitchen. And they fitted alarms. Had to travel in twos to prevent being preyed upon by all the very elderly widows..... nice young men in uniform.........

She can't remember having any fun so I shouldn't have the opportunity to have any? Bugger that.

Precisely.

Your mum sounds like mine, except she has never being interested in travelling or anything else much so can't understand why I would not be happy to be living back with her and enjoying 5 hours of Challenge TV even evening by way of a social life.

Be fair, sandwich, everyone's memories are selective