The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thank you, I appreciate that.
My relationship with my parents wasn’t a good one, never told ‘I love you’ or that they were proud of me whilst one sister was the golden girl and totally indulged because ‘She nearly died as a baby’.

Unfortunately it’s come to light she’s been given thousands of pounds over the years despite bragging about her ‘million pound house’ and that as an executor of his parents’ Wills my father withheld my inheritances (£££££ that would have made an enormous difference to my life)
I dread to think what else is going to emerge.

Caring for elderly parents and in-laws is so hard. I lost my sense of ‘me’ long ago. My father would cancel care packages for my mother every time she was discharged from hospital ‘because the money’s for me when I need a nursing home’. I got into debt in the end paying for carers because I simply couldn’t keep driving back and forth and I couldn’t stay in their house because of no space.
In the end mum went into a care home because the hospital social worker, after multiple admissions and failed discharges, threatened safeguarding.
My father had to go into the same care home months later because he had a bad fall.
I honestly don’t know what the answer is, I only know I will do my utmost to ensure my DCs never end up in this situation.

yantan that is so unbelievably awful. I am so sorry.

@YanTanTethera123 are you looking after yourself now? You’ve been through hell
Have you been thrust into the role of caring for your PIL now?

Thank you.
My PILs were easier because my two SILs are very hands on.

Yan Tan, I hope you have been able to find yourself again and are feeling better. It really is impossible to understand why some parents feel that they own not only their own lives but the lives of their children as well.

Today DM had to go for an scan. She 's had bulge in her side for an undefined time - 12 months, 2 years, 5 years. It varies. She wouldn't ask GP because she thought she'd end up going to hospital. One day was in Drs surgery with her and I raised it with Dr. who has sent her for scan.

I took her to her appointment. As soon as we got in car she told me DSis had refused to help her have a shower. True because she asked for help in shower at 11.30 last night when DSis was on way to bed, & had refused shower at 8pm when DSis had asked if she wanted one. DBiL asked her last night if she would like him to install a walk in shower in the bathroom. She said "No".

Negotiated my way around city center in heavy morning rush hour traffic while DM gave me her views on why traffic is so heavy, why so many road works etc. Apparently all due to "the Chinese". Didn't inquire further; told her I needed quiet to concentrate on busy traffic island and series of right turns. DM informs me she doesn't like quiet and continued to jibber jabber her conspiracy theory and strange story about BiL who is going to have his eye taken out and turned round.

Mum has scan. Am allowed to go in with her - mainly as coat carrier, walking stick carrier, and carrier of mum's two bags - one containing tupperware box of tablets. Why the box of tablets? "In case Dr wants to see them". Explained at least 20 times this week she is not seeing Dr & radiographer will only do what GP has asked for - ie. not interested in scratch dog did on leg etc.

DM cannot get on bed. Not sure why because bed at home is far higher and she has no problem with it. Bed lowered, DM still can't get on it. Clutching her two bags, coat & walking stick plus my handbag I help mum on to bed because radiographer is not allowed to. Now I know those beds aren't very comfortable but did she really need to lie there with her eyes closed moaning "my back, oh my back" over and over?

Scan done. Radiographer says although the results needed to be looked at again she can see nothing untoward - no cysts, tumours, tissue thickening etc. Leave clinic with DM complaining
about radiographer not scanning her back when she could see she was in pain.

Get back to DSis. DM says she wants to go shopping (quelle suprise) but wants cuppa first. DSis says DM needs to put her feet up for an hour for rest then will be ok to go out. Sit in DSis kitchen for 5 hours while mum has rest (good, no problem) then piddles about for 4 hours doing nothing in particular. Remind her a couple of times about going shopping and am told "yes, don't be so impatient, I'm getting ready". 3.45pm, I'm feeling tired and say I'm off home. DM suddenly decides she wants to go shopping now.

Go out to join school/rush hour traffic. Drive to nearest supermarket. Leave store with trolley full of bags. Tryng to push trolley while supporting mum with one arm etc. Say to mum, "stand there a second while I push this trolley down the curb.". Push trolley off curb, it makes the sort of metallic clanging noise that trolleys do. Behind my left shoulder I hear "oh, oh, oh I'm falling". Turn round to see mum standing there, right as rain, with her walking stick, not falling. Turn back to see trolley clang into my car.

Tell her calmly that I think I won't be bringing her to the supermarket again, that it's not safe for her and it's too difficult for me to manage. Immediately feel like I've stolen sweets from a child. Help her into car where she cries so I feel even more horrible.

Glad to get home to DH. Sit down & almost straight off DB texts to say he's feeling suicidal. Text back & forth for a bit then suggest he needs professional help. Brother cuts contact leaving me worried. DH starts complaining about program on tv but keeps watching and complaining loudly. Get annoyed and ask him to either change channel or keep comments in his head. DH gets annoyed with me, goes into a sulk and tells me to go to bed if I'm so tired.

I'm sure I'm not the only one on this thread who knows what it's like to be so so tired but not able to sleep because you can't relax because there is so much stuff going round in your head? I didn't realise I had written so much - I've jibber-jabbered on. but tbh it's been so cathartic.

Oh marmite I am so sorry to read this.
I can understand completely - so many demands, straws breaking the camels back.
Can you take break today?

I am sorry Marmite. I have a journal for this, I find it helps for me to catch the thoughts running through my head and stick them down on paper. Some days I look at it and I can see that it's me that's the problem, usually it's that I haven't slept and then all the things that usually roll right off me become massive things that I can't cope with. Having enough sleep is hugely important for me because without that the rest of my life falls apart.

YanTan welcome to the fold. I don't know what the answer is either, if I did then I wouldn't be here.

Mum is still in hospital, she is more herself, fit for discharge and itching to be out. I'm fielding phone calls about the bannisters and how many steps are there to the front door and yesterday I visited at exactly the right time to intervene in the "I'm not having strangers in my house" face off. This is the opportunity to get the long overdue fall alarm installed and fingers crossed, she might understand that there is a need for an evening carer once she's had one. I am reasonably certain that I'll read the riot act and she'll have them for a fortnight and then get rid but we'll see. I think she's had a fright this time, I certainly did. I thought the brain bleed was going to be life changing, I'm now looking at her dementia as trivial because I've seen her when she's really been making no sense.

Oh Marmite those days really suck don't they?

I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading that...hope you manage to get a break today.

I've got a million and one thing to do at home, was hoping to spend some time with DD who has an inset day today and I have mum in hysterical sobbing mode...

Oh Minty, I feel for you. Looking from afar I'd say that your daughter needs time with you, and you need time with you. I hope you both get what you need and deserve today.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults? My mother never seems to have learnt (learned?) skills like emotional regulation, resiliance etc. But it's like anything in her life, if it's too difficult then someone else can go to the trouble of learning it and do it for her - so she has never learnt to drive, can't use even a basic tv remote (though she managed fine when step-dad was in hospital), can't use her phone, can't use the microwave, calls for help when she wants her cd player on, can't read a bank statement, can't use an ATM or self-service check out. But then why should she, there have always been others who felt sorry enough for her to do it for her. I do wonder sometimes if she has got some kind of SEN - although I did notice when I was checking through her bank statement last week that she was quick enough to notice a maths error that meant her account looked a couple of hundred pounds short and wanted to know what I'd done with the money. Most of the time she claims not to know how to work out the balance, but she seemed pretty on the ball that time.

Hoping all in the cafe are having a good day - or at least a better day than yesterday.

Well I escaped...not before mum admitted that she was partly upset because she felt guilty for keeping me away from DD and thanked me for everything I was doing .

She's very bright and capable on a practical level but emotionally has no resilience whatsoever and can't bear being alone.

I said to her this morning that she needs to try and make plans to help herself and I was happy to support her with that.

The thing is, as she said, she has no hobbies or interests...she likes a pub quiz but that's about it.

I've invited her round to us for lunch on Sunday and suggested we go out for a bit on Tuesday...baby steps.

I'm now looking at her dementia as trivial because I've seen her when she's really been making no sense. I had that same sort of moment when I read the CHC assessment tool.

Marmite Posy Simmonds did a very nice cartoon years ago - woman comes home on crowded tube after obviously hard day. Walks in the house, Immediately DH needs something, followed by DCs 1-5 in turn, then the cat, then the guinea pigs, and she deals with all with exemplary patiemce. Then the pot on the stove rattles its lid and she loses it.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults? Depends, I think. Emotionally it was a different world. Yan said she was never told "I love you", and I don't think I was - it would be regarded at best as excruciatingly soppy, at worse in danger of growing big-headedness. Spock hadn't made it to the provinces.

Women also weren't expected to be assertive so passive manipulation was the main tool open to them. A sweeping generalisation, of course, but I really do notice the difference i young women today compared with young women and their mothers in the 60s.

But as to practical things - depends on the family. My mother was the one who could cope. She didn't do woodwork on principle, but everything else she did, and her soldering put my father to shame. DH also came from a family of "coping" women, and I'm reassured that DS is about to marry into another such family.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm going to find a copy of that cartoon, have it framed up and put on the wall in my kitchen. I might even have it stuck up in my car somewhere for when the going gets especially tough, lol.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults?
My mother didn’t have a mother or childhood really, lost her mother at 9. My father was brought up mainly by relatives because his parents were too busy to care for him but they indulged him to the nth degree, so I guess it’s hardly surprising my childhood wasn’t great either as no role models there.
Still doesn’t explain why I never did anything right though....
Hey ho! Onwards and upwards I guess!

When it came to practical things around the house she was artistic director and my father did the hard labour. She never did anything with finances at all other than balance her check book and that was her lot!

She has ruffled my feathers yet I am feeling so guilty. Our son and daughter in law are coming home for a few days and with mum having had both her jabs I am relaxed about them visiting and have said that I will cancel the carers for an evening when they come for dinner. But I am wrong on so many levels!

a) her friend told her on the phone on Thursday that all the regulations about visiting have been removed. Her friend must be right and I must be wrong even when I read out the up to date guidelines.

b) I can cancel the carers when DS comes for dinner but she really needs me to cancel them the next morning so she can have a rest. I said that cuts into the time I have for studying because I have to help her to get up and apparently that is ridiculous because she is more than capable of getting herself up and sorted in the morning. This from a woman who asks me to help her change her knickers most days yet she is able to get herself dressed in the mornings before the carers come. Yet if I am there she needs me to do it all!

I have always said that I would not be happy to do personal care for anyone. I honestly feel that she uses the whole "help me with my knickers" thing to control me. If she can make me do that then she has scored a point. Am I being ridiculous? I don't know if she has the capacity to do that but that is how I feel.

c) Last night I left her with the tv as always. Half an hour later I get a phone call saying she can't turn off the tv. I had to go back to her and found her sitting on the bed with the electric blanket on its highest heat and the control for that in her hand while she shouted that there is no red button to turn off the tv! The remote was on the floor so I had to help her into bed and find it and turn off the tv.

@Ieatmarmite That sounds like the day from hell. Sending virtual wine and chocolate...
3 appointments done and dusted. Shes seen the dentist and needs a tooth out. Lots of moaning about the money but I always ignore that - she can well afford it. Steroid injections done in her knees and diabetic check on eyes done. Just the MRI scan on Bank holiday Monday to go..She prefers me to go with her cos I will actually go in with her whilst my sister just drops her off. I've obviously missed a trick there Lol.
She speaks to her sister every day on the phone and she moans about us and her sister moans about her 3 children. It seems to make them happy... ;)

Nodancingshoes - sounds like you end up being a human coatstand/pack horse like I do

Well, DF's stay in the nursing home lasted just short of a week before he ended up back in hospital. He had just seemed to be settling down after hating it and having lots of issues over the first few days too... And of course if he is discharged back there, the whole two week isolation thing starts from scratch again.

Meanwhile equally frail DM had a fall this week too (no injuries, she was helped up by the care-line people, though I got there first) but she was very upset - she doesn't want to be alive any more, doesn't want me to have to handle all this and so on; I have a feeling she is drinking too much wine in DF's absence. I can see the temptation.

@exexpat how awful. I do feel for you.

So sorry exepat

YanTan that’s a really hard job you have done, with a lot of pain. As PP says I hope you can get back to yourself and take care of yourself, you did a duty you didn’t owe and that is very hard.

Marmite you sound overloaded, other competent adults should be stepping up beside you.

Minty it is hard for you with your DF, I would not have the patience with your DM doing this emotional stuff – at least she acknowledged your help.

Hairbrush: I honestly feel that she uses the whole "help me with my knickers" thing to control me. If she can make me do that then she has scored a point. Am I being ridiculous? Yes she is, no you’re not.

Exexpat – gah. My DM tells me she doesn’t want to be alive any more, she told the physio last week that she was envious of Prince Phillip. I think this is pretty common in very old and unwell folk. She has instructed me not to live beyond 85.

Off to her place next week, about 6 hours door to door on trains. Spending the week setting up as many services as possible from carers to mobile hairdresser to podiatrists. Hoping to see the GP with her. When we talked about this trip 4 weeks back we said we might be able to go to the local café for the first time but on the phone today she was complaining about bad pain again (GP locum called out last week, could be anything from general Parkinson’s pain to hairline osteoporosis fracture, he thinks it’s sciatica – he doesn’t want to refer her to hospital, I agree, she’s been down this road before) and had forgotten I was coming - I don’t think she’ll make it to any cafés.

BinaryDot - my mother has been saying repeatedly for years that old people should be taken out and shot as soon as they reach 70. When she started saying it, it was almost jokingly (although she has been caring for my father since he was disabled at 65, and she had her first stroke at 70) but these days (84, frail, in pain and housebound for years) I think she really means it. I think she would rather not have stayed alive after my sister died four years ago.

I can only sympathise with her, but of course I also know lots of hale and hearty 80-somethings who are still cycling to their allotments and were going on interesting holidays before Covid hit, and who would definitely not agree with her.

Did our mother's never learn the skills needed to become functioning adults?

Actually, thinking about it, a lot of elderly parents probably grew up during the war years (my own late parents included), who knows what they had to endure. Although it didn’t help me when I was trying to cope with their many old age problems. Many sympathies to you all, it’s very, very hard.

@exexpat I know my nan thinks she has lived too long- she regularly tells me. She has also lost a child like your mum and I think that's something you can never recover from, regardless of age. I do feel she has some pleasure in life though - she has 6 great grandchildren that bring her happiness. I wish she would sometimes look at the positives. Easier said than done o suppose...
Early start today- MRI at 9am. She wants me to go in the room with her but I told her I didnt think it would be allowed?? Anyone know?

We're back. I was allowed in - never knew how noisy MRI scanners are! It wasn't an easy task getting her laid flat and then getting her up again. She has said that she is refusing any future investigations such as this and I cant say I blame her. At 95, there isnt alot of point- they wont be able to improve her quality of life now.