The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Glad you are feeling better hairbrush.
Can you think about why that is? What's helped you?
I find telling dm when I am going works best but she has carers 3 times a day anyway. Rather than waiting for a call.
Appt for dm later. Sitting in the garden slapping on the Teflon. I"ll send some through the ether to you all!
knot Hope things are as ok as poss. Re the bed- if you have to move or buy one could you book a handyman type or man with van to assemble or move it?
Some smaller furniture places sometimes offer assembly.
Hope other solutions emerge.

Mum is "bunged up" atm so I got some lactose from the pharmacy.
She's having her hair done later so that might make her feel better.
New fascias/windows/doors being fitted this week so its rather noisy here today.

Just seen a struggling poster on AIBU so pointed her to this board. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4229796-Would-you-spend-most-of-your-time-caring-for-an-elderly-parent

@thesandwich - sorry, thought I had replied yesterday. What helped me to feel more positive is this thread. I don't want to moan at my family all the time. Four out of five of the kids are living away and can't do anything to help. One lives round the corner and I don't want her to feel it all falls to her. The advice/encouragement from all of you really does make a difference.

Now I am in line for the World's Worst Daughter award. Mum is in terrible pain, she's not eating much because it hurts when she lifts her arms so she's losing weight. Her mobility is so much worse than it was even 6 months ago. The carers have been encouraging me to call the surgery. Last night mum agreed but only because I said that it would probably be three weeks for a routine appointment and that it would most likely be over the phone.

So I rang this morning, explained that I was ringing about her pain levels and had hoped we could speak on the phone rather than having to take her out. But no, the doctor will visit at lunch time!

If you hear a roar of anger from the South West you will know that I have broken the news! I am now sitting at the dining table, watching the road to see the carer arrive and I will tell mum while she is there so she can't be too mad! Positive vibes etc. If I don't return you will know why!

ithinkisaw oh the irony of getting a same day visit when you didn't ask for one! But if the gp is willing to come out, they are validating that there is a concern and hopefully it will help your dm feel less vulnerable in the longer term even if she cranky today.

hairbrush so glad this thread is helping you. Vent away, any time.

Good news re doc visit...... it should make her feel important and hopefully listened to.

How’s things knot?

I picked my moment, having warned the carer why I was coming out. I would hate her to think I was checking up on her!

In the end the doctor phoned and we had a long chat. She spoke to mum who downplayed the pain and said that "her knee was a bit sore" and "maybe swollen" and "she does her best and walks a bit every day". Then she past the phone to me and I listed everything that hurts, the fact that she is losing weight (although that isn't necessarily a problem - she has a lovely slim figure) and that her mobility has deteriorated such that she can no longer lift her legs into bed.

The upshot is that the doc has increased the morphine patches with the new stronger ones starting today, booked her in for blood tests next week and an appointment for two days later to go through the results.

If the new patches help then today will have been worthwhile.

Well done! 🌺🌺bit early for 🍷but who cares.

Not too early at all. Any little success is good!

I took DM to a hospital appointment today. The skin cancer that I alerted her GP to in Sept, and which was referred to the hospital under the two week rule, has still not been bloody treated. This must be the third appointment on the subject. They started out in Dec by doing a biopsy of completely the wrong bit of skin. Dr phoned me a couple of months ago to say slow moving cancer, I said ok, but that was actually the wrong bit. He promised me it would be sorted today. Nope. I was met with a rather confused nurse whose role it was to check the healing. The healing for the procedure that hasn't bloody happened yet.

DM kept asking if she was there for her heart.

I think I will skip dinner tonight and head straight for the gin.

How frustrating nota. Gin sounds good.
Just identified I suffer like many here from PMT..... pre or post mother tension. Best treated with large amounts of alcohol/ cream cakes/ chocolate.

That’s shit @notaflyingmonkey. Have you thought about contacting PALS to gee them up?
DM rang and is in lots of pain with her osteoporosis/arthritis etc. Managed to convince her to have a medication review.
Her pain threshold has decreased massively though in her old age, anyone else noticed that with their oldies?

I too suffer from PMT. My husband sees me walk through the door with steam coming out of my ears after a frustrating bout with mother and asks "Is the PMT playing up again?"

@CaptainAwkward yes, mum's biggest issue is her pain/lack of mobility. She often says "If it didn't hurt I'd be ok!"

I kinda think Pals would just be one more thing on my list to do...

PMT is a good description for how I get with DM. Bracing myself for the expected onslaught. The lottery win visits are when I take her shopping over and she is asleep in front of the blaring TV, allowing me to slip out of the door and skip down the garden path.

Unlike your elderlies, DM remains untouched by pain at 93. She is stoic to a T.

Nail on the head with PMT...although with me it tends to be as much mild panic attacks on the way there as the come down afterwards.

We both went to see Dad on Monday...he want particularly engaged again. Also managed to sort out visiting issue...we can both go once a week each, subject to availability of slots.

Mum has been on fairly good form for the last few days on the whole. Touch wood, I think she's slowly accepting that the home will be a long term arrangement.

There's been a few facepalm moments regarding her forays into finding a companion online and the ongoing L saga (any Line of Duty fans here? Feel like renaming him as H!), but I've managed to spend a bit more time at home.

So it's good for now, although I feel like I have a years worth of stuff to catch up on in my own home!

Good to hear you are both able to visit Minty and also that you've had a bit of time to yourself.

I was definitely suffering from PDT today - I've secured a weekly visiting slot but it involves leaving work early and dashing over there, which doesn't put me in the best frame of mind for listening to Dad's increasingly random ramblings about six foot men who are out to get him and how they are going to throw him our of the home because he doesn't have any coins to give the "waiters" a tip. And he's started referring to me in the third person, which makes me wonder who on earth he thinks is sitting in front of him.

Anyway, overall it went OK.

Also had a nice bonus - our local Action for Carers is doing research into the "discharge to assess" process and how well it's working during the pandemic. So I filled in a survey - had a nice long and very cathartic telephone conversation with a nice lady who very patiently listened to me rant about all the things that went wrong - and then I was rewarded with a £30 John Lewis voucher for being so helpful. I feel a bit guilty ... but not guilty enough to give it back .

Hope you are all well. Not been to nans for a couple of days due to work but popped in today. Apparently life isnt worth living, the doctors surgery are incompetent and she also said she wished she still lived in her previous flat (40 miles away from us and a 2 hour round journey)... I sympathetically listened although I took issue with the flat thing - she wouldnt see anyone at all except for weekends if she still lived there and we wouldnt be able to get to her in an emergency, get her shopping etc...she lightened up abit after this and we had a nice conversation about when I was a little girl. Shes got 4 healthcare appointments over the weekend so no relaxing bank holiday for me...

Oh @Nodancingshoes it's shit when that happens isn't it? The week after Dad went into the home, when I thought I'd get a break I had 2 GP appt and Covid Vax for mum, got locked out of my house and had a puncture. Life is just a fucker sometimes.

@AChickenCalledDaal how are you coping with your dad's confusion? Sounds quite similar to how my dad is at time...he went through a phase of thinking I was a nurse and complaining about how late his dinner was and that there wasn't enough sweetcorn! Generally I just nod and smile and sometimes it quite amusing but there have been a few tricker moments. He asked about his sister once, who went n/c with us last year as she wasn't happy about their brother's will, and the other day when I saw him at the home, he was nodding off and said 'goodnight mum'. His mum died 38 years ago when I was 7 so that was a bit of a shocker.

The trick is, not to try to like her, but distance yourself from her. Stand back and observe her as if she were a rat in an experiment Dint your advice is brilliant, if austere.

hairbrush I asked my DM to give me permission to speak directly with her GP etc on her behalf and that has helped.

Minty you'll have to refer to him as The Fourth Man now I think (not a spoiler).

I have had an easier than I anticipated time at the bank with PoA, the process seems to be working. I am pretty excited about the care agency starting, they are my new best friends.

It has been a strain since my DF died well over a decade ago now. Probably only just computing that as relief descends.

Cheers and cockroaches.

God, how I feel for everyone on here.

I have booked a slot for Saturday morning (there goes my day off...again). Mum will need to take a lateral flow test in the car park and wait for a result until she is allowed to enter, and must wear a mask and apron for her 60 minute visit
I had to go through this to see firstly my dying father in December then my mother in January.
Both died during the 30 minute wait for the results.

I have yet to grieve, perhaps I never will. My sisters grabbed visiting rights, I hadn’t seen either of them for months because of the care home rules so I guess I mentally said goodbye in the middle of last year sometime?

I was a nurse so when my father had incontinence problems I was expected to drive a 38 mile round trip to clean up ‘because you’re used to it’ according to my mother and sisters (who lived within a couple of miles of parents). It’s interesting that that was the only thing they considered me suitable for 😳

@MintyCedric I'm still figuring out how to deal with the confusion, to be honest. I think he sometimes confuses me with my mum (who died three years ago) but we are physically very similar and I've kind of got used to people mixing up our names over the years. So it's ok and occasionally entertaining as I get little insights into their relationship.

What I'm finding hard is knowing how much to play along. I know that telling him it's all in his mind will upset him, but I also don't want to validate his view that the burly man is going to attack him in the middle of the night! And its upsetting when he's anxious about something that isn't real.

Mostly I'm going for a strategy of telling him as often as possible that he's safe, that I'm looking after things at home and all his bills are paid. And then distracting him with news from home (tricky because there isn't any) or asking questions about the past (occasionally lovely). I have found that showing him photographs is good to get him focused on reality - and I can do that when we talk over Zoom which makes a change from looking at my own face.

And frankly I'm also quite relieved that visits are limited to 30 mins because that's about my limit!!

YanTanTethera that's so rough and I'm so sorry you lost your parents in those circumstances. Grieving is such a complicated thing at the best of times, and these certainly aren't the best of times. Do be kind to yourself when it hits you (as it probably will) at some random and unexpected moment.

@YanTanTethera123 I'm so sorry...what an awful thing to have happened .

Chicken I think reassure and distract is probably the best plan. I have no idea whether my dad has dementia or if his confusion is just frailty related, but it comes in fits and starts, and prior to him going into the home he was still considered to have capacity .

Off for another visit in a mo, with mum. Have been having panic attack symptoms for about 40 minutes...probably a combo of previous visits being crap and knowing I've got to stay at mum's tonight and have so much to do at home. I've been doing stuff in the garden instead of inside while the weather's decent, but now I feel like imchasing my tail with everything else.

I know it's awful to moan as my circumstances have improved,but I would give anything to have a week or two at home without having to visit either of them...just to catch up with everything and then enjoy my space for a bit.

how are you coping with your dad's confusion? Phrases I have found useful are "I'll ask DS to look for it" "I'll make sure DH knows" and "If you draft the letter, I'll type it up for you and make sure it goes to the Admiralty".

What I'm finding hard is knowing how much to play along. I know that telling him it's all in his mind will upset him, but I also don't want to validate his view that the burly man is going to attack him in the middle of the night! You have to find a way of accepting the burly man but making sure he can't get in to attack. In the same way as dealing with a small child's "foxes under the bed" - "They're aren't any foxes" doesn't help, but "I'll tell the cat to stay indoors at night because then they won't attack because they're too scared of the cat" may help. Easier if the burly man is just prowling about outside, more difficult if he's actually sitting on the end of the bed. It sounds like you're doing the right thing.

@YanTanTethera123 That is terrible! I have no words

Gosh, YanTan that’s such a lot to process, especially going forward with your sisters. Hopefully, they look back and recognise that the cards you were dealt weren’t the ones you would have chosen for yourself.