The Cockroach cafe -new look for spring 2021

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, with a refurbishment to celebrate the coming of Spring, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Hairbrush, can you not say you have a doctors appointment and then afterwards say the doctor says you need to reduce your workload as eg your blood pressures far too high. Then tell your mum you will be stepping back a lot and will organise a needs assessment for her. Also inform social services that you need to step back for your own health and your mum is vulnerable. I would tell white lies if I were you and just pretend that what you have said is correct as let's face it this is affecting your health and that of your family and you do know that. Along with your husbands work anxiety it's too much. Yes there will be upset but it will have an end date when carers come in and sort out most of it. Best to bite the bullet now. If she needs help goi g to the toilet she needs carers. My father-in-law told the social worker he doesn't have carers but she told him in front of us that if people are buying your groceries for you then you have a carer. Blame the doctor and stick to it. You are entitled to your nights and weekends. Insist on it.

hairbrush* I am so sorry you are going through this. You have so much to deal with.
Dm is similar but has carers/ cleaner etc so. I am not there as much but I completely get what is essentially envy or jealousy that we are young and they are not.
How lovely of your dc. They can see what's going on.
I have learnt I have to get fuel in the tank before visiting dm in order to cope and apply the Teflon. Coffee and walk this morning with friend before going to sort her lunch.
What can you do to help build up your resilience? Please look after yourself

hairbrush The trick is, not to try to like her, but distance yourself from her. Stand back and observe her as if she were a rat in an experiment. Predict what comment she'll make and then see if you are right. Say to yourself (even if it's not true) that it's the dementia/old age/arthritis talking. Criticism is just a behaviour trait to be observed, there is no need for you to reflect on your behaviour.

Occasionally you'll get glimpses of a "mum". Appreciate them when they happen.

"I can't believe I will never go on holiday again!" Acknowledge she may be feeling sad (but don't let it change your behaviour) "I commented quite mildly "Yes, but when you were my age you were able to come and go as you wanted." She may have felt you were telling her she had no reason to be sad. See if you can find a form of words that acknowledges she's sad, while not suggesting it's your business to do anything about it. Even "yes old age is difficult, isn't it?".

I can't do anything right. You're doing everything right. It's not your fault if the elderly grump currently inhabiting your mother's body isn't satisfied.

You're not responsible for her happiness.

Hairbrush It's hard not to revert to being the child - have I upset her? what mood will she be in today? what can I say that won't set her off? You are not a child and there's nothing she can do to you if you don't toe the line. She can't stop your pocket money or ground you.

It's her choice to be unpleasant, you don't have to jump through hoops to make everything right. If she's giving you the silent treatment then say that you're leaving sooner because there seems to be nothing to say. If you bend over backwards trying to smooth things over what you are doing is rewarding bad behaviour. If you think back to the toddler years you want to be rewarding the behaviour you want rather than the behaviour you don't. The saying one thing and meaning the opposite is dealt with by taking the actual words and ignoring the sighs. "Just put me in a home why don't you." gets "Ok mum if that's what you want, was there anywhere in particular you had in mind?" rather than tears and reassurance.

She may not be able to go on holiday but that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Sacrificing yourself won't get her the holiday that she wants. You can't put your life on hold forever, you need to be enjoying it while you are still young enough.

Hairbrush I'm. It yet at this stage with DF but I see it coming & dread it. What Sandwich said about applying Teflon is bang on. I bit the bullet when DF was in hospital last year to tell him I would be arranging a cleaner twice a week as if I had to spend time cleaning then I would have no time to take him out anywhere. He surprised us by agreeing readily but I think he heard in my tone that I meant it. His cleaner is an utter treasure (it helps that my friend that has a cleaning business and I was able to tell her exactly the kind of person I thought would be suitable). And of course he is nice as pie to her. I'm not sure where I found the grit to present him with a gait accompli, possibly fury at the state of his house, which he kept telling us was fine, but I know I can do it now so the next stage should hopefully go as well.

Hairbrush FWIW, I think that you need to start pulling back now, rather than waiting til Sept and then trying to go cold turkey with her as you won't be able to relax.

I will freely admit that I am jealous of people who had a good relationship with their parent(s) before they became elderly. I didn't. But the upside to that is that I am hard faced about what I will and won't do - and even just doing the minimum that I do is loads IMO.

Whoever it was that mentioned Parsleybox, thank you. I'm just throwing so much food away I'm going to order a mix of their meals that can then go in the cupboard.

We have carers twice a day which she thinks is a complete waste of money. I'm not happy with the service - they come very late in the morning and too early in the evening - but it is better than nothing. Yesterday she kept saying she wanted a break from them but I just ignored the sighing and huffing.

Today she has decided to stay in bed which is fine with me. But in the space of 2 hours I have had 5 phone calls and needed to go out to her 3 times - she lives in the garden and we live upstairs in a 70's split level house so every trip involves going down the outside stairs, across the drive and up the ramp to her door. It takes a minimum of 10 mins to go into her house and back.

1 - the carer can't find my tablets.

I told you last night I hadn't done them. I will come out when she's gone and bring them to you.

2 - the carer has gone now
I went out and did the tablets, sorted the tv and left her in bed with the remote, her phone, and the controller for her bed hooked to her dressing gown

3 - I've been to the toilet but I can't get back into bed.
I went back, encouraged her into position, lifted her feet up and came back in.

4 - There's someone in the garden calling you
It's DH home from the shops and wondering where I am

5 - What are you having for lunch?
I don't know mum but what do you want. Five minute discussion on what we might have for dinner and whether or not she fancies food and she settles for a slice of cake and a cup of tea so I go out and sort that for her.

Then a long discussion on what time she should get up. We have reached an agreement that she will get up at around 6 o'clock in readiness for dinner at 6.30 and we will watch Antiques Roadshow.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere
Do you realise that you’re in an abusive relationship? Your mother isn’t the abuser

Your mother IS!!! So sorry! That sounded horrible! Silly autocorrect

The lack of an edit feature is a real drawback here.

hairbrush that is awful. You must protect your time.
Can care package be reseated to be more useful?
knot how are your elderlies? And you?

Thanks @MintyCedric and @AChickenCalledDaal for the wise words on nursing homes. I delivered DF there yesterday morning, and he seemed happy (very posh nursing home, the room looks more like a hotel). Since then I have already dealt with a panicky phone call last night about the wrong kind of bed, and a call this morning saying he had a fall in the night...

But I am hoping these are just teething problems, not helped by it being a last-minute weekend admission arranged at 5pm on Friday so lots of corners were cut and the management and maintenance people aren't around at weekends.

Now I just have to worry about my almost equally frail and disabled mother being alone in their huge and unsuitable house.

Hairbrush - you sound so worn down and sucked into it all. The way you are living is not normal - it is not a life, really - and you need to take a step back. I would strongly agree with MereDintofPandiculation's advice to distance yourself, but I know that is easier said than done.

@CaptainAwkward thanks for the first proper giggle of the day! I do feel the relationship is unhealthy and looking back she probably has always had too much control in our relationship. I have said that if she can not get in and out of bed without help I need to call the surgery and see if there is anything they can do about her pain meds.

@exexpat I think I prefer my problem of having mum too close than your problem of worrying about her alone in an unsuitable house. So glad I have a whole tribe of children who can work together when DH and I reach this stage!

Hi all,
Mum in a very odd mood the past few days and spending more time at my sisters which usually means she is giving her money - its the only time my sister tolerates her company.
Hey ho.
I've got work starting on the house Tomorrow so have told her I'll be down there later than usual.
I offered for her to come for lunch, declined.
I offered to go down and watch some TV with her later, declined 🤷‍♀️
So...family film night it is 😁

My mum has joined a geriatric online dating site.

DD is furious but it's largely elderly widow/ers who are lonely and looking for companionship.

If it gives her a distraction and a bit of a giggle and stops her obsessing about L I really can't bring myself to get her up about it tbh.

More material for the future book.

Spoke to her about visiting arrangements as we're going in tomorrow and she was going to try and speak to someone. Have told her the manager isn't available until Tuesday and she has agreed to let me do a bit more research around the issue and email the rather than tackle them herself.

It's been a good day here (touch wood). Best mate, DD and I went for a mooch around a couple of garden centres this morning, got the last few plants I need for my front garden project and several v. indulgent local cheeses in the farm shop for our picnic next weekend, then sang along to the B52s at the top of our lungs in the car on the way home .

exexpat that does sound like teething problems and it's good to hear he's happy. And it's good that they let you know quickly that he'd fallen - you want them to communicate and be open with you. Hopefully they will get to know him quickly and get everything in place to keep him safe and supported.

IthinkIsawahairbrush I can't give you advice only empathy. I totally understand the wish not to go and see your mum - sometimes I am the same. Its like a painful visit to the dentist - you go do it but know its going to be a horrible experience. My mother is the eternal victim/martyr. I saw her this evening. I was shattered having driven for 8 hours on a fruitless errand. Did she say what a nice surprise it was to see me, have I had a nice day, hasn't the sun been lovely & did i get a chance to relax in it for a shortwhile? Did she heck, she sat in the chair holding her head in a hand sighing loudly & telling me how very tired she is. I appreciate how wearing your mum must be.

I feel dreadful guilt that I can't make her life better/perfect, that no matter how much my DSis & I give her its not enough but we are both too tired to give more. I've felt responsible for her happiness since I was13. 47 years later I'm sucked dry and I hate myself for that.

marmite I completely get the being sucked dry with nothing left to give.
Please be kind to yourself. I keep trying to tell myself I am not responsible for my dms happiness. I will do what I can but that must not diminish me. Easy to say harder to stick to.🌺🌺cockroach all.

It was a revelation when I found that it was not my job to make other people happy, it was one of those moments where the world tilts around you and you suddenly see things in a different way. It most certainly was my job to consider everyone else's wants and put their needs before mine. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" - I was raised to do that. Let me slave over the perfect Christmas, taking into account what everyone else thinks that means. What do I want? I have no idea, what I wanted never came into the equation.

I can't be the only one raised on the assumption of self sacrifice, that our needs should come last. It is not healthy and it doesn't need to be that way.

Nope...me too knot
My mil hates the "new" me :)
I rarely visit now, no longer make an effort with her horrible relatives (she dislikes them too) nor - and here's the rub - care a jot what she thinks.
I could smack my younger self.
What a moron I was :(

Hospital catch up - Mum still looks shocking and she's in pain. The OTs are trying to get her to do stuff that she's not ready to do, I have a good idea how that's going to work out for them. There are mutterings about having a bed downstairs with no consideration of how I am supposed to get a bed downstairs on my own. They are all double beds anyway so I'd have to buy a new one and assemble it myself. Right just now I'm not thinking about this, I'll deal with it "later".

On a lighter note, DM was waiting in the gynae dept for her bladder pessary refit.
The nurses (seeing an 87 year old walking slowly with a stick) asked if the radio was on too loud in the waiting room.
DM replied with ‘I’d prefer Rag ‘n’ Bone Man or Artic Monkeys if you have any’

They certainly didn’t expect that reply!

I still feel daughter guilt but I’m learning it’s ok not to always like their behaviour. Before I’m through the door I’m asked, oh can you look at this letter, can you change the lightbulb and put the bin out, and your dad is not having a good day. I will of course attend to all of this but it would be nice just to have a hello first. I settle myself by putting the kettle on and making a hot drink for us so I can count to 50 in the kitchen and then I’m ready. Like pps I know the questions and the answers in advance- for example
Mum - so have you had a busy day?
Actual meaning - where have you been, it is 1 o’clock, I bet you’ve seen some friends or the Baron’s family instead of rushing to see us on your day off???
The guilt of saying this doesn’t go away but I can acknowledge that it is ok to distance myself in my head a bit, if helps me cope. As does reading this thread as I know I’m very lucky in some respects, I.e the car has gone and we’ve got through a very bad patch a couple of years ago when we didn’t know how they could continue to live on their own. Hope you all have a good week and take care of yourselves.

After a miserable weekend the sun is still shining here and I am ready wiling and able to start the week on a more positive note.

I haven't spoken to mum yet this morning - "the call" could come at any moment - but I am feeling much more positive in myself so that will help right?

I want to say a huge thankyou to everyone on this board. Everyone is carrying so much yet still so supportive. Thank you for keeping me going.