My dad has sexually harassed his cleaner

[TubbyMcFatfuck]

Hi, have been lurking here for a while but this is my first post on this board. I have an issue with my 75 yr old dad and could use some perspective and advice. Sorry if this is long

My mum died 6yrs ago and shortly after my dad had a stroke. He suffered physical and mental impairment. He recovered reasonably well but hasn’t regained all of his physical or mental function. As a result of his ill health he can no longer work having previously been a workaholic. He lost his wife, his health, his work and raison d’etre within the space of a few months. His personality has changed to a large extent and sometimes it’s very hard to recognise the person he is now as my previously kind, loving and doting dad.

His health has not been great over the past 6 years. He is prone to self neglect, is depressed has poor mobility and struggles to cope with day to day tasks. Lockdown has not helped and after a 6 week hospital stay last year, he now has carers going in twice a day as well as district nurses and a physio. We also got him a cleaner as the house was getting in a state.

Today the owner of the cleaning company contacted me and told me that my dad has been what amounts to sexually harassing his cleaner for weeks. Making comments about her taking off her top, telling her he’ll get in the shower with her and wash her as well as cuddling, nuzzling into her neck and kissing her neck.

I am absolutely devastated about this. I am in total shock that my once lovely and respectful dad would do this to a young woman coming into his house to do her job . I am disgusted at the thought of him treating her like this. If this had happened to a friend or relative if mine I’d be telling them to consider going to the police.

I have contacted the care team to find out if he’s behaved like this with any of his carers before but couldn’t get through so have left a message for them.

Obviously I need to speak to him but how do I go about dealing with this? I am absolutely fuming at him and was ready to head over there today to read him the riot act but for various reasons wasn’t able to go. I am going tomorrow with my husband though.

I spoke to my sister about this earlier today to let her know. She lives abroad and is therefore not as involved. She was initially angry about it but has since text me to say that she’s had a long think and while she agrees what he’s done is terrible, she’s not angry and sees him as someone who is lonely, vulnerable and confused and that this is common in elderly people like our dad.

I’m really struggling with this. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to address this?

Hi OP- so sorry you’re going through this.

I do hope that this helps -

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/dementia-together-magazine/help-husbands-inappropriate-sexual-behaviour

I worked with people with brain damage and sexually inappropriate comments were pretty standard! It's just the lack of inhibition. It's still upsetting but I'd try not to be angry if possible x

I think it's clear that this is a consequence of his condition. It's not malevolent BUT it's still not acceptable for any woman to experience it. You need to think about how you can keep people safe in his home. Perhaps arrange carers and cleaner for the same time?

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I think the way you approach it will depend on how much mental capacity he has and whether you think he has self control. If you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, will he understand or feel ashamed do you think? I think you need to be completely open with your new cleaner (I assume the current one won't continue) and agree strategies to stop it happening again, for example, could they leave the room he is in and only clean the other rooms?

I don’t usually make apologies for men’s behaviour, but it does sound like there could be a medical reason for his behaviour.

If that turns out to be the case it might be better to just focus on what you can change to prevent the behaviour upsetting anyone. Would he behave better with a male cleaner? Or perhaps a brain injury charity like Headway could advise?

Agree this is likely down to his health and other age related issues. Not quite the same, but my dad started making racial remarks about the hospital staff caring for him. He had been diagnosed with dementia and was deteriorating quite badly. Totally out of character and not things he would have ever said previously. Staff were really good and took little notice as it wasn't that unusual with elderly patients.
No really helpful advice, I'm afraid, but I doubt reading him the riot act would help. I'd probably be speaking to his GP and/or social worker about his care needs? It sounds (to me) like you're reaching the point where a residential care setting might be more appropriate. Sending hugs, OP. The elderly parents things is no fun.

Thank you all for the replies. You are all so kind

There is no formal diagnosis of dementia. They scanned his brain when he was in hospital in September last year and found no evidence. That’s not to say that there isn’t dementia there now right enough. Would it escalate so quickly? Wouldn’t there be other signs?

He definitely has mental capacity and plenty self-awareness. There has definitely been mental impairment caused by the stroke but if you didn’t know him pre-stroke then you might not really notice. The depression and lack of physical mobility are his main issues. The depression is quite debilitating and the reason why he has the carers in.

If I speak to him, he will definitely understand it’s wrong. My fear and gut feeling is that he will deny or minimise as this is what he always does when confronted with something unpleasant that he doesn’t want to deal with.

I will be notifying his carers of course. The cleaner says she is ok about going back if I speak to him but I really do not think this is a good idea at all and would rather source a male cleaner.

I have read the link and will look at Headway. Thank you so much

After your update, I wont be excusing his behaviour as a side effect of his medical state. You seem to suggest that he has his faculties and will know it is wrong.

If he needs a cleaner then hire a man. Follow up with his carers to see if they are safe, although I suspect he is only doing this with the cleaner because she is less protected and therefore vulnerable. She should be calling the police. If she wont then it is what it is. Pay her a decent number of months wages and hire a man.

I don’t know what the answer is but this is very common with people I worked with who have dementia. Given the information you’ve mentioned it seems highly unlikely that your previously lovely dad is actually a sexual predator and far more likely that there is a medical cause. I’m really sorry though, I know how difficult it can be for families to cope with these kinds of personality changes.

This type of behaviour is usually Frontal Lobe Dementia - from what I gather, it's usually caused by brain damage due to head injuries or substance abuse - but - this should have been evident on the scan. Has he been drinking again? This could explain the depth of depression and the behaviour as well. Depression and alcohol are a bad combination. I completely agree that keeping the cleaner away from him is a great idea. One way or the other, he is simply lacking the filter to tell him not to behave inappropriately or act out on his desires/sense of entitlement. I don't think she's safe. You certainly don't trust that he would listen to you if you "spoke to him about it" and frankly, neither would I. The company that employs the cleaner has a duty of care to keep her safe, and shouldn't be suggesting this anyway.

Get him a male cleaner if needs one
The poor woman must be so upset

You sound so kind OP

No advice, I'm sorry, I am sure you will do the right thing. How upsetting for you and the cleaner

What type of scan did he have? Some brain damage can only be identified by having an MRI.

How are the cleaning company planning to handle it? Presumably they're going to send in a male cleaner from now on?

If you tell your dad that he can't ever do this again do you think he'll listen or be able to control himself?

I'm sorry OP, this sounds so hard and I feel for you.

I think you're right not to have the same cleaner back and I'm shocked that she's prepared to or that the agency would allow that!

Well he clearly can’t be trusted around women any more, so going forward you can only employ men to assist with him.

This isn't uncommon in elderly, lonely men who HAVEN'T got dementia. They are simply taking advantage. Elderly people with dementia who are displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour often don't differentiate, so might be sexually inappropriate to their daughter or another female relative. Your dad is reserving his consistent 'inappropriateness' for the time he is alone with a female. He needs a firm talking to. Make the carers aware of this and make it a policy that they double up or only allow men.

This reminds me of a scene in the superb It’s A Sin where a character with brain problems articulates some really inappropriate stuff, shocking the people present because it is so uncharacteristic.

Unless you suspect he’s a sex pest who has kept it hidden for donkeys years (unlikely) I think you need to chat to his GP about dementia. I’m so sorry OP.

Yeah you definitely need to give him a very stern talking to and condemn his behaviour. As others have said, he’s essentially preyed on her. He wouldn’t do the same with you or with a male because he knows exactly what he’s doing.

I know he’s your dad but imagine if this happened to your daughter.

I’m really torn on this to be honest and finding what he’s done really difficult to get my head around. I’m not one for excusing male behaviour either and I think what he’s done is absolutely appalling.
I agree that a new male cleaner needs to be found as I cannot let the current one go back. I need to protect as far as possible any woman going into his house.

@justilou1 He doesn’t drink at all. Sorry, I wonder if you may have misread “workaholic” for “alcoholic” in my OP. It’s definitely not the drink I’m afraid.
I totally agree about the duty of care. I’m surprised that she suggested the current cleaner go back. I certainly wouldn’t.

I feel terrible for the cleaner. Nobody should have to deal with that. I’m upset so I can’t even imagine how she feels.

If he was behaving like.this with the carers or nurses or physio then concerns would have been raised. He's doing it to the cleaner because out of all of those professions, that's the one an elderly man will see as the easy target. The OP said he was assessed for dementia less than a year ago and there were no signs. She said that he has his faculties, and most people wouldn't actually realise he had any issues after the stroke. She said he will know what he has done is totally wrong, but that he will also minimise is because that's what he has always done.

Men behave like this. We're sick of it. Elderly, lonely men absolutely behave like this, even if they've never behaved like that before.

This is obviously awful because it's your dad. It's a situation no one would every want to be in and I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this, but that cleaner has has to deal with worse. Please do take fast and firm action.

Sorry, can't keep up with all the posts- I'm still reading

I would speak to the carers or maybe the dr or help the aged about the best way to handle his behaviour. They will have seen all this before.

This is somewhat common in stroke patients.
I agree he would be better with a male cleaner and male carers although these might be very hard to find. Does he have a social worker who helps with all this?

Also he needs to be reassessed. Get a telephone consultation with GP and ask to be referred.