My dad has sexually harassed his cleaner

[TubbyMcFatfuck]

Hi, have been lurking here for a while but this is my first post on this board. I have an issue with my 75 yr old dad and could use some perspective and advice. Sorry if this is long

My mum died 6yrs ago and shortly after my dad had a stroke. He suffered physical and mental impairment. He recovered reasonably well but hasn’t regained all of his physical or mental function. As a result of his ill health he can no longer work having previously been a workaholic. He lost his wife, his health, his work and raison d’etre within the space of a few months. His personality has changed to a large extent and sometimes it’s very hard to recognise the person he is now as my previously kind, loving and doting dad.

His health has not been great over the past 6 years. He is prone to self neglect, is depressed has poor mobility and struggles to cope with day to day tasks. Lockdown has not helped and after a 6 week hospital stay last year, he now has carers going in twice a day as well as district nurses and a physio. We also got him a cleaner as the house was getting in a state.

Today the owner of the cleaning company contacted me and told me that my dad has been what amounts to sexually harassing his cleaner for weeks. Making comments about her taking off her top, telling her he’ll get in the shower with her and wash her as well as cuddling, nuzzling into her neck and kissing her neck.

I am absolutely devastated about this. I am in total shock that my once lovely and respectful dad would do this to a young woman coming into his house to do her job . I am disgusted at the thought of him treating her like this. If this had happened to a friend or relative if mine I’d be telling them to consider going to the police.

I have contacted the care team to find out if he’s behaved like this with any of his carers before but couldn’t get through so have left a message for them.

Obviously I need to speak to him but how do I go about dealing with this? I am absolutely fuming at him and was ready to head over there today to read him the riot act but for various reasons wasn’t able to go. I am going tomorrow with my husband though.

I spoke to my sister about this earlier today to let her know. She lives abroad and is therefore not as involved. She was initially angry about it but has since text me to say that she’s had a long think and while she agrees what he’s done is terrible, she’s not angry and sees him as someone who is lonely, vulnerable and confused and that this is common in elderly people like our dad.

I’m really struggling with this. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to address this?

Sot him down and have a talk to him. Explain that you’ve been told that he’s doing x and x. Ask how he thinks it makes her feel and what he can do to make things better? Ask him to stop.

You might think this is solvable by getting a male cleaner. However all women are at risk and not just her.

@AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan

Your post more or less sums up my feeling on this. I was and still am very angry and upset about his disgusting- and frankly criminal behaviour. It was only after my sister text me that I started second guessing myself. We process and deal with things very differently. She thinks he's confused, vulnerable and lonely and this situation needs handled very sensitively to ensure no one else is harmed but that my dad still get the care he needs

Until you find out for sure whether or not he has done this with other woman coming in to help him then you're not going to know if this is a side effect of his stroke (and therefore he doesnt have control of himself so will do this to any women when there is opportunity). If he has never behaved like this with anyone else, then it a choice he has made. At least once you have the information from his carers, it will make it easier for you to take medical action if that seems to be the culprit.

@TubbyMcFatfuck please don't beat yourself up. It is an unfortunate incident that happened.

I would speak to help the aged & the other organisation another poster mentioned to see what is the best way of dealing with the situation. You have alerted the carers.

Look after yourself OP 💐

My neighbour had a stroke and there was a time when he made some very inappropriate comments. As time went on and he recovered he stopped doing that, luckily

Disinhibition is not uncommon after stroke, along with emotional lability. His carers may not have thought it worth mentioning as they will be experienced at dealing with it in previous patients. I think it would be worth having him checked by the GP. Even if not obvious immediately after the stroke, it may still be connected. It is unlikely that a man with no previous evidence of sexual offending has suddenly decided, when elderly, to attack his cleaner. Unless he has been a pest all his life and OP was just unaware of his offending.

Please don't read the riot act until you have had a diagnosis. This sounds very like one of the recognised symptoms of vascular dementia, brought on by small strokes ( rather than Alzheimer's ) and you say that he has already suffered a stroke. It can indeed come on relatively quickly, certainly since September . It's a horrible situation and I do sympathise, but if it is this shouting at him will do no good at all

Yes I agree that I need to speak to his carers as a matter of urgency. I will request male carers. To my knowledge, they only have the one though.

I will contact his GP and social worker too although his GP has been less that helpful previously so I doubt he'll do much.

@RoisinD I was sure it was an MRI he had in the hospital but DH is now telling me it wasn't, it was a CT scan. They could see the damage from the stroke.

Dementia can have a pretty quick onset. My DGM was assessed and had a head scan and we were told she didn't have dementia, but they was evidence of some cognitive impairment. 6 months later after a couple of tia's she had to be admitted to a care home as she could no longer walk and was displaying lots of bizarre behaviour. She was then diagnosed with Alzhiemer's.

So it is possible that he has developed dementia since the scan, or than the stroke has had more of an effect on the part of his brain that affects impulse control. You can speak to him and tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, but I would get him checked out by his GP to make sure that it isn't a sign of dementia or any other brain issue.

My wonderfully proper grandmother who spent her retirement volunteering to help immigrants navigate their new community, unleashed vile, racist diatribes at her carers at the dementia facility.

Things can go south very quickly. He might also be taking advantage of the situation. You just can’t know without investigation and time.

@creepingthyme I agree with you.. I'm pretty sure if he was like this with his carers, physio, or nurses, I'd have heard by now. I think he's specifically targeted this one particular woman. Awful.

He may well be disinhibited as a result of his stroke.

Worth asking his entire care team if he has been displaying behaviour that is inappropriate with any of them and implementing some safe working practices routinely, such as always having two people attend him if he is physically strong enough to be a risk. If not a physical threat then his care plan should advise staff if this is an issue so they can manage it appropriately.

Totally agree that all staff need to be safeguarded. But if nurses and cleaners stopped dealing with the disinhibited with dementia or strokes or other conditions, they would soon be short of work. Best thing is to be totally open about it.

Does your dad realise she is infact there working as a cleaner? I’ve worked in dementia units and found that wearing badges saying ur job role nurse, domestic, etc are very helpful as they simply forget.

[quote TubbyMcFatfuck]@creepingthyme I agree with you.. I'm pretty sure if he was like this with his carers, physio, or nurses, I'd have heard by now. I think he's specifically targeted this one particular woman. Awful. [/quote]
I wouldn’t assume that. If care staff know his medical history they will likely assume it’s disinhibition and won’t necessarily raise it unless it becomes very problematic. Just happens it’s the cleaner and not the care staff where it’s tipped into problematic.

Or he’s just being a letch - but if that’s out of character I wouldn’t assume the worst. If the cleaner is willing to go back she likely is assuming it’s medically induced behaviour.

"The cleaner says she is ok about going back"

This isn't okay. They're setting the scene for another incident.
Why would someone return following sexual harassment?
Why would a company inform you and then say that the victim is going to return?

Your dad is a vulnerable old man and has been accused of some awful behaviour. He needs you to advocate for him.

What's in his best interest?
How can you reduce accusations in the future until a plan can be set up?
What does Dad say happened?

I personally wouldn't use a cleaning company that lets a cleaner return to the scene of the crime.

I'm pretty disappointed that you are agreeing with one of the few posters who are implying that your father is a suddenly a sex pest, despite many others confirming that this is a common side effect of dementia and condemning his behaviour - unless you are about to drip feed that this has been his normal behaviour.

OP, the partner of my husband’s friend had a stroke a couple of years back and since then has made many an inappropriate remark to my husband, myself or both. She doesn’t appear to have dementia going on my experience of having had both parents with different forms of the disease. Stroke can damage the brain in different ways. It’s probably just that and your dad of old would probably have been horrified if he could see himself now. Maybe he needs more care than he’s receiving at present e.g. nursing home or care home?

@Crabbypaddy he definitely knows who's who and why they are there. Know their names and remembers details about their families and lives that they share with him.

I would also agree this sounds like dementia. This type of behaviour is very normal in dementia patients. And dementia is very common following strokes.
My suggestion would be to discuss with his care team about his behaviour. Not just the recent incidents but his behaviour more generally. They will probably be able to say if they think dementia is a possibility.
Also if this is a very recent issue don't discount issues such as a UTI which can make people disoriented and act inappropriately.

Once you have spoken to the care team you will have a better idea of what your looking at. I would then be talking to his GP.
I would keep any conversations with him about it light and no accusatory to start with. And see where the situation goes.

Going off subject slightly though. If you haven't already it might be worth chatting to him about organising a LPA both for medical and financial matters. Dementia can come on and progress very rapidly.

If he is like this with the carers too, then that suggests removal of inhibitions or understanding of appropriate boundaries as result of the stroke or some other mental condition. Needs addressing if so, get the gp back on the case.

Does he have single careers visiting or are they in pairs? He may be less inclined to be inappropriate if the latter ...

Sorry, sent by mistake before finished.

I would see what his general behaviour has been like in case there are other signs of unusual behaviour.

If not, then he could be letting all his frustrations out on the cleaner.

Either way, I think you could speak to him about this, how his behaviour has upset the cleaner, and ask him why he is behaving like this.

@B1rthis I find it odd too. She said she was ok about going back as long as he was spoken to and as long as there was another cleaner with her. I agree that it's not ok and told the owner as much.

I haven't spoken to him yet- I plan to go tomorrow. I'm seeking advice here as to the best way to handle it with him. Going forward, I think the best I can do is try and be as open as possible with all the agencies involved in his care and as far as possible request males carers

I find it odd too. She said she was ok about going back as long as he was spoken to and as long as there was another cleaner with her. I agree that it's not ok and told the owner as much. she might just really, really need the money and you might find that the agency have suggested that 2 cleaners go together to try and protect her.

On the brain injury thing - frontal lobe injury or disease can result in disinhibtion, but not have other obvious signs. Whatever the cause, the cleaner needs to be protected.