My dad has sexually harassed his cleaner

[TubbyMcFatfuck]

Hi, have been lurking here for a while but this is my first post on this board. I have an issue with my 75 yr old dad and could use some perspective and advice. Sorry if this is long

My mum died 6yrs ago and shortly after my dad had a stroke. He suffered physical and mental impairment. He recovered reasonably well but hasn’t regained all of his physical or mental function. As a result of his ill health he can no longer work having previously been a workaholic. He lost his wife, his health, his work and raison d’etre within the space of a few months. His personality has changed to a large extent and sometimes it’s very hard to recognise the person he is now as my previously kind, loving and doting dad.

His health has not been great over the past 6 years. He is prone to self neglect, is depressed has poor mobility and struggles to cope with day to day tasks. Lockdown has not helped and after a 6 week hospital stay last year, he now has carers going in twice a day as well as district nurses and a physio. We also got him a cleaner as the house was getting in a state.

Today the owner of the cleaning company contacted me and told me that my dad has been what amounts to sexually harassing his cleaner for weeks. Making comments about her taking off her top, telling her he’ll get in the shower with her and wash her as well as cuddling, nuzzling into her neck and kissing her neck.

I am absolutely devastated about this. I am in total shock that my once lovely and respectful dad would do this to a young woman coming into his house to do her job . I am disgusted at the thought of him treating her like this. If this had happened to a friend or relative if mine I’d be telling them to consider going to the police.

I have contacted the care team to find out if he’s behaved like this with any of his carers before but couldn’t get through so have left a message for them.

Obviously I need to speak to him but how do I go about dealing with this? I am absolutely fuming at him and was ready to head over there today to read him the riot act but for various reasons wasn’t able to go. I am going tomorrow with my husband though.

I spoke to my sister about this earlier today to let her know. She lives abroad and is therefore not as involved. She was initially angry about it but has since text me to say that she’s had a long think and while she agrees what he’s done is terrible, she’s not angry and sees him as someone who is lonely, vulnerable and confused and that this is common in elderly people like our dad.

I’m really struggling with this. Can anyone offer any advice as to how to address this?

He may, if he's still with it cognitively in other areas, follow rules. He is not likely to regain insight into why these things are wrong, and so the easiest thing to do is to spell out the consequences if he does them again, like you would to a child (this is very sad I know). I found that rule-setting was much easier than arguing, especially if he is intellectually clever in other ways; you have to wear clothes, you have to not touch anyone who comes into the house and so on. Disinhibition and lack of insight make for a stressful combination.

I think they are telling you that this is kind of how it is from now on, that carers and staff know this and are trained to deal with it- but it's those that come in from outside that need your help/a way of alerting you if anything inappropriate occurs, or you might just feel they cannot go in any more if he doesn't respond to things like basic rules (which of course, once people deteriorate, often they do not).

It is really common in elderly people, with or without a formal diagnosis. It is also equally common in both men and women but less reported with women. I’ve lost count of the number of young male colleagues who have been groped and propositioned by elderly women. More often than not they are encouraged to see it as amusing whereas women are, quite rightly, encouraged and supported to report and procedures are put in place to safeguard them.
The young men often feel humiliated and embarrassed, it’s like their gran coming onto them, to say nothing of being painful when their crotches are grabbed.
It is mostly to do with the changes in the brain which removes those inhibitions that we should all have. Whilst it can’t be cured, procedures should be in place to keep everyone safe at work.

@Recycledblonde

It is really common in elderly people, with or without a formal diagnosis. It is also equally common in both men and women but less reported with women. I’ve lost count of the number of young male colleagues who have been groped and propositioned by elderly women. More often than not they are encouraged to see it as amusing whereas women are, quite rightly, encouraged and supported to report and procedures are put in place to safeguard them. The young men often feel humiliated and embarrassed, it’s like their gran coming onto them, to say nothing of being painful when their crotches are grabbed. It is mostly to do with the changes in the brain which removes those inhibitions that we should all have. Whilst it can’t be cured, procedures should be in place to keep everyone safe at work.

I agree young male carers get the same from female patients but don't get much sympathy or support. I've been horrified at some of the things I've heard my very proper aunt say to attractive young male carers.

Indeed, and seemingly frail and respectable women grabbing a crotch and holding on tight is very common. Very challenging for young men, who are frequently ridiculed if they express how it makes them feel.
I do think it’s helpful to understand a little about why it happens, generally it’s damage to the limbic system which is common in all forms of dementia.
It’s very common for people to believe it just makes people show their true colours but that is not true. My father, who had been the sort of man who would only ever let his wive or his doctor see him naked, merrily stripped off in hospital all the time in the days before he died. I can see it happening in my ultra respectable fil who now, aged 93, makes mildly suggestive remarks to his cleaner and personal comments about complete strangers weight. Fortunately his cleaner has known him for years so is aware this is not ‘him’ but outside the house he has to be managed very carefully.

Op, apologies if I've missed this or this has already been said... I would contact Adult Social Services to request a review of your dad's care needs, as he is receiving care and his 'needs have changed'.

As well as looking at whether the current care package is appropriate, it will give the opportunity for the inappropriate behaviour to be flagged. If your dad is receiving care in his home, has fluctuating mental capacity and no legally appointed representative( LPoA or Deputy), it may be appropriate for the LA to commission the care (even if he has above £23,250) to maintain that oversight for risk factors and care needs.

I should just add, he would still pay the full cost of the care if savings are over the threshold, but would pay the LA instead.

I think sacking the cleaner sends completely the wrong message. What’s your issue with her coming back? Doing that just makes cleaners reluctant to speak up in future. If she’s happy to come back why are you punishing her? The cleaning company owner clearly thinks the same if she’s asking you to take some time to think it through. Can you see how it’s victim blaming?