Advice please: Elderly mil cannot carry on living with me

[joystir59]

Sorry if this is a bit long:
My DW died in July. Her mum had been living with us for some years at this point. There is another daughter who is very hands off and lives approx 200 miles away
Mil is 87, poor sight, poor hearing, bad mobility, not able to manage her own affairs or communicate without extensive help, struggles to use the shower. I support her with shopping, laundry and overseeing things like GP reviews. She hasn't left the house for years. She is reclusive and uncooperative, will not grant her surviving daughter LPA, hasn't written a will, doesn't like anyone coming in to provide care or support e.g. if I want to go away. She is scared of being left alone at night and not able to leave the house unaided.
I have decided that she cannot continue to live here and I'm not prepared to become her carer and give up my freedom. I also don't think her needs are being met, and this will get worse. I want her to go into a nursing or residential home near her other daughter so daughter can oversee her care.
I understand she will need a Care Needs Assessment. Does anyone know if this can be done here where she now lives but then be used by the local authority in her daughter's area? Does anyone know how difficult it is to get an assessment that a residential home is needed?).
Any advice on any aspect of the process gratefully received.

Mil will do very well in a residential home with people looking after her.

It makes me sad to see such negative comments and opinions of adult services on here.

Me too. DMIL's was a really kind and caring chap who obviously had more to deal with than was humanly possible. As I've said before, he and the discharge clerk at the hospital got her into a lovely local care home and she is so much happier, as is DFIL who really wasn't coping despite a determination to try and keep her at home.

Well done for staying firm today and I'm glad that MIL said that she can't stay.

And all she says since is "it's awful getting old". Well it isn't awful, it's a privelidge denied many.

It can be though. This attitude of 'well you're lucky to be alive' is very dismissive. When you find yourself unable to be independent, to make your own choices, to have your own home, to have health issues restrict you, you'll probably find it awful too.

But as regards your situation, I'm totally with you. You're absolutely due your own space and to be able to be spontaneous, to travel, and all the other things that her dependence on you has prevented you doing. I really hope that social services will be able to help.

It is quite hard hearing her complain about getting old when her 58 year old daughter recently passed away.

Slipping into being dependent on family to look after you isn't good.

@joystir59

It is quite hard hearing her complain about getting old when her 58 year old daughter recently passed away.

Yes, I should have borne that in mind when I responded. Of course you will feel that way at the moment. I should have been sensitive to that. She has also lost a daughter who should have outlived her. It must have been a terrible time for you both.

@joystir59

Mil will do very well in a residential home with people looking after her.

She wll probably find she will enjoy the company of other of a similar age too. Many don't realize how lonely they are for their piers until the get a chance to spend time in a residential home. I met one lady in her 80's who was spending 2 months in one for respite after having her knee replaced. she even brought her cat with her. Her house wasn't accesible until she recovered. She liked it so much she sold up and stayed at the residential home.

Well you are in the right path to a resolution now
You were clear about what needs to happen
MIL actually seems relieved that you have been clear. It seems she is used to someone else taking decisions for her and it was the kindest thing you could have done to push in this direction so you need not feel guilty at all.
It's a great start.

The wheels of social services processes will now grind slowly onwards and even optimistically I'd expect it will likely take a few months to reach a move out date but now there is hope.
I'd suggest you ring them for weekly updates to make sure things are moving on.

@joystir59 I’m sorry you’re getting anything other than support from this thread. Of course she needs to go into a residential home, she won’t even let you go away on your own to grove your wife. Please do that as soon as you can with her paying for an over night sitter. It will also show her care needs.
I hope they place her as soon as possible so you can grieve. You are doing a huge kindness for her, and there are clearly huge issues in the family. Your SIL will one day Thankyou that she was able to say no to taking her so SS didn’t try and get her to live with her.

Just to encourage you further, MIL resisted for 6 years every thought of care home. House became a constant stream of carers, shattered family, adaptions, grab holds, painted lines to show steps, stair lift. Eventually she went for 1 weeks respite care and stayed forever.

She loved it. The company. The lifting of the burden. The music afternoons (she danced and sang). She lived nearly 3 happy years there. Every single person who knew her said she should have been there years before.

I hope you get one of the many compassionate, caring, practical social workers who can make things move quickly. And I hope that both you and your MiL find both peace and happiness in your next chapters.

I think you're a hero tbh. I couldn't take on the burden of my own mother . Never mind someone else's who I don't even have that childhood attachment too. I hope this gets resolved for you quickly.

Well done on getting over the first hurdle - yes persuading you to keep carrying the burden was always going to be their first tactic and point-blank refusal the only reasonable response from you under the circumstances. Progress towards a viable solution will now move at absolute snail pace when not driven forward by you. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease" needs to be your motto now. You need to be voluble, persistent and insistent, not just waiting for them to make the next move.

@KihoBebiluPute
Thank you, and to everyone who had written helpful and supportive posts. I really get that I'm going to have to be insistent so am ringing everyday for an update and setting a deadline for mil to move. I will update you as and when there is anything to report.

I just wanted to provide an update. Mil has been allocated a social worker who is coming to assess her next Mon 29th. He is suggesting that as she has funds I can just find her somewhere but I've said he has to sort everything out because I'm not taking responsibility for her. Anyway, progress is being made and thanks to all the help and encouragement you've provided here. I will continue to update this thread

Good luck joystir59 and well done

Ah that is good news. Local authorities can be reticent about assessing self funders. But your mil is entitled to a care act assessment as she has needs. This can then be stored on the adult social care team’s database and referred to as needed.
The worker may say that the assessment is used to determine eligible needs that the council will fund, so therefore the assessment is not required. But good practice should be that the assessment is completed, the worker can then, providing your mil consents to information sharing, share this/use the information to produce a support plan.

Any care home placement can then use this information as part of their process to ensure that they can meet mil’s needs.

So pleased things are continuing to move positively for you both.

@Shallysally
Thank you for that information. I am going to push for assessment. I think if I stick to my guns that social worker has to make arrangements for her he won't have any choice but to assess her needs.

joystir59 you’re welcome, glad to help. The assessment now has to include well-being, and in this case needs to include you both. A lot changed with the Care Act, including better recognition of carers and ensuring everyone’s well being.

Hope something is sorted out for you both soon

I just wanted to provide an update. Mil has been allocated a social worker who is coming to assess her next Mon 29th. He is suggesting that as she has funds I can just find her somewhere but I've said he has to sort everything out because I'm not taking responsibility for her. Anyway, progress is being made and thanks to all the help and encouragement you've provided here. I will continue to update this thread.

Just wanted to say good luck for tomorrow

Further update: the social worker has assessed MIL as suitable for extra care housing and we've identified a local place which has a good reputation. I think this will work out well as there will be 24hour onsite care and mil can have as much or as little as she needs whilst keeping some independence. I felt very wobbly about this solution until the last few days when I've been thinking that mil is really too capable and independent for a nursing home type of scenario, I mean she likes getting up really late and getting her own breakfast when she wants and what she fancies. So she is really ready yet for anything too regimented. Anyway, progress is being made and the social worker says he will move things forward as quickly as possible.

*not really ready yet

That sounds really positive! Well done

Oh that's good

Any ideas on timeline?