The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Tenancy signed - what a relief!

Thank you! 😁
Luckily dh is so good...he and ds1 will be doing most of the heavy decorating.
I'll be doing the scrubbing (suits me!)
She is having all carpet/hard flooring, furniture etc
I think it could be really lovely once we are done.

All new

Hooray for the new flat!!!!

Thank you!
I've not seen mum today as I've had a meeting all day from 8.30am.
Going to go and decide on carpet or wooden flooring tomorrow and do more measuring.
I'm reading a book on menopause by germaine Greer and it's making me furious
I'm going to go full on old bat I think...I have zero fucks to give anymore...🤪

Hi I just wanted to share a mostly lovely thing...
On Monday I got to spend time with my Dad for the first time since February, apart from one visit in the garden of his care home a couple of months ago before my area went back into extra lockdown measures. How did I manage it - I took him to a hospital appointment, and then for lunch outside. It was so amazing to be able to chat normally and have a day of the old routine (because the old routine was largely hospital appointments and coffee or lunch, sure that sounds familiar to lots of you!).

Of course the fly in the ointment is that he now has to be in isolation in his room for 2 weeks because he's been out of the care home. But he says it was worth it, I hope it was. Trouble is that will be the same for any follow-up appointments, now he's back on the hospital appointment treadmill I can see him spending a lot of time in isolation, which is grim.

But,

Hope you hugged him Maddy
How lovely for both of you and love his attitude

yes I drove round the corner then stopped and gave him a big hug! (I did have a mask on at that point)

That's lovely maddy

Spent all morning at mums sorting stuff...she's chosen the carpet so flat being measured on Friday.

Sorted gas, electric, water, council tax etc from monday.

Coming to uncap the boiler on Friday too

My sister is being really weird...not asked mum anything about the flat and doesn't seem very interested 🤔

We have a sibling whatsapp group and I've sent them both regular updates but she never replies (brother does)

Thanks, @exiledfromcornwall, was beginning to think ours was the only care home in the country not allowing visits.

Hello all.
maddy that’s lovely.
How’s everyone? All calmish here touch wood...... the thought of winter and more lockdowns is awful. Dm aged so much.

Hi
I'm knackered 😴
Spent the morning stripping woodchip at mum's flat.
Am very very worried about another lockdown and the move 😕

Even during the depths of lockdown you could still move house and care for the vulnerable so I shouldn't worry too much.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Thanks, *@exiledfromcornwall*, was beginning to think ours was the only care home in the country not allowing visits.

No, it's really frustrating, especially as Dad has actually had Covid (as I think yours has?) so should be a bit safer than most. I can't help feeling that the care home could be doing a bit more to facilitate visits, however in reality in this area we're not allowed into other people's gardens or houses at the moment so I don't actually know what they could be doing! The carers are still being lovely and doing their best against the odds, the management are a bit more distant and not great at communicating. I'm really worried for Dad's mobility and mental health, although I have to say when I saw him last week he didn't seem to have deteriorated as much as I thought he might have.

Good luck with move Yoikes, hopefully any new lockdown won't affect carpet fitters etc, especially as it's an empty house. What date are you hoping to move your mum?

Hi 👋
Hopefully end of October but lots of rumours in papers and online of a 2 week lockdown over school half term...so I'm madly ordering stuff and need to get carpet fitter booked before half term.

I have to admit I'm finding the relief from visiting is making for a much less stressful life. As far as I can tell from his phone calls Dad is not deteriorating any faster than he was, and he sounds cheerful. He knows what is going on with the virus and in that respect is a lot better off than the dementia sufferers who don't have a clue why they're no longer seeing family. But Christmas will be hard if we can't have him here - it'll be his first ever Christmas not surrounded by family.

If any of you need a good workout I can recommend stripping woodchip...
I can barely move! 😵😒

Hello, I'm new here [waves] . Today has been an absolute breaker for me. Moved my parents into my home 2 weeks ago after my DFs Parkinson's deteriorated over lockdown. Before lockdown my DPs were going to be move to a bungalow nearby. Then it became clear that wasn't ever happening (but we are lucky to have an outbuilding that can become an annexe for them her with planning permission) . For the moment they are with us with a downstairs bedroom and shower room. I am honestly doubting they will be able to live 'on their own' in an annexe (god know how they got by in lockdown). I'm in bed listening to a massive to do downstairs about what medicine DF needs to take. He has 7 doses of meds a day which keep changing and he is finding it really difficult to keep up. He is losing his memory and DM finds him hard work. She can hardly see and it's like a comedy sketch listening to them talk over each other. I'm feeling as annoyed with them as I did as a teenager - except I've got teenagers of my own AND they are both behaving like children. I honestly feel I'm the only Adult in the family and I feel like running away :-( . How in earth do you deal with marriage counseling your parents and talking to your dad about his incontinence.??

How in earth do you deal with marriage counseling your parents You don't. Keep well out, leave them to get on with it. They'll not accept you as a counsellor - they were married when you were still in your pram. and talking to your dad about his incontinence.?? With my Dad, completely matter of factly. But then he's beginning to lose his inhibitions - I know far more about his bowel movements than is necessary.

If the teenagers are willing, they may find contact with your parents a little easier, less emotional baggage.

Later on (it's early days yet, so don't worry about this now) remember you're role modelling for how your teenagers will treat you. You need to keep your emotional state intact enough to be able to treat them with kindness; at the same time you need to show that you're not completely putting your own life on hold.

If (and only if) you have the energy, give your mother a few hours respite now and again - or see if you can get someone in to give her respite. Take to playing music all day so you aren't permanently conscious of what's going on in their part of the house. Remember your first priority is to look after your own mental health. You'll be in no state to help your parents if you don't.

I find it easier to view bodily functions (and indeed much else) of a parent in the same way as I would a pet rabbit. Once you allow emotional ties and ideas that they're your parent to creep in, it's far more difficult. Save the loving daughter stuff for when you're not dealing with the basics of living.

Yep.
What dint said! ^

Agree with dint and get some professional help in for them- cleaner/ carers etc. Start sooner than later.
Do they have attendance allowance? Use it for extra help. It will make you il.

Thanks! They can afford extra help and DF gets attendance allowance - just waiting for the many agencies to do their thing - OT coming next week, district nurses came and fitted external catheter thing for night yesterday, and we have the 'enablement team' visiting daily as part of the needs assessment (I don't think every authority has this but they are great - they help find how you can do things safely in your home and it all goes in the needs assessment

Morning all
Feeling a bit discombobulated today...
Dd2 has a new cough so am trying to get him a test. Can't go to school obv.
Just had a text and mums new sofas are arriving today (after we were told it would be end of October!!)
Dh not answering his phone, I can't leave ds1, need to shift her current sofas...
Argh
Oh and I'm deficient in folic acid and dr has put me on a high dose.

MereDint

MadameTomato thank goodness you have outside agencies involved - - a carer or helper of some kind coming in most days if they can afford it would give your parents someone else to focus on as well as practical help for them and you.

yoikes aaargh. Does anyone else have keys to the flat? Can your mum get there on her own? Man and van off facebook?

dh to the rescue!
He's taking a van from work st lunchtime to fetch them.
Phew
Can't get ds2 a test :(