The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Oh, its just awful :(
I do feel for you all.
If there is a local lockdown here at least I will be able to still see mum as her named carer.
My brother didn't go near mum for 2 months (he lives round the corner...)
Ok, sitting in the front garden isn't great but better than nothing!

My mother's care home hasn't got a garden that can be accessed without going through the inside areas, I think this may be the problem there. My step-sister was able to 'visit' her on her birthday, but it was a "through the window" type visit, obviously no hugging or anything. Even my mother herself has said that she doesn't want me going all the way down there for a visit like that (she still has her marbles and understands the situation thankfully).

Argghhhhh why are siblings so difficult!
Mum has Alzheimer's and things have escalated over the next 7days with her wandering from home. She's been returned home several times by friends, neighbours, the paramedics and the police. I had to fight really hard for her not to be admitted to her local (crap) hospital and to get her into respite. Respite is only possible with a CV19 test which she had today, told my brother who had been supportive up to now about her going into a home, he then started ranting about he wasn't going to wear a mask to visit mum, she wasn't going in a home with all this Covid nonsense, what about seeing her grandkids etc. He's just phoned again to rant at me. He just doesn't seem to get that there isn't really an alternative. I had 20 -30 phone calls to sort stuff out for mum everyday this week. I need to sort out my kids, my job and my family too, I'm past stressed. He's going to visit mum today and said if they insist with all this nonsense then she can go and live with him but she can't really as it's a building site and dangerous plus his house doesn't have any space it's already more than full with kids and pets.

@exiledfromcornwall - I think our respective DMs may be in the same county (I’m in London) so I feel your pain!

@wonkylegs - boundaries are your friend! I try to control everything too, but really - let DB give it a go! What’s the worst that can happen?! I’m DM’s deputy so I know what it feels like to have manage someone else’s stuff as well as my own, but I’m afraid after a few really rough experiences last year I got firm with social services, and made it very, very clear I was not going to step in if DM had another crisis. I still get the guilt, and get very upset about it all, but some self-preservation is necessary

I think re siblings if we could hear what they say to their friends they have a different take. They probably moan how much they have to do

I think it's incredibly sad re the care homes, I'm very sorry for those of you dealing with that.

I think the song of the missing siblings is probably "I'd love to be doing XYZ but it's just not possible (sigh)" I did explain to one how if I ended up isolating it was just as possible for her to have shopping delivered to her parent as it was for me, distance not being a factor.

Wonky I think you need a fortnight off, let your brother deal with everything while you recuperate. That may change his thinking. He might not do such a good job as you do but he'd see what you are dealing with.

wonky agree with pp...let him. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do.

My sister is odd. She genuinely thinks that she "is always" at mums. Honestly. It's utterly bizarre. Mum and I tend to just shrug and laugh now.

wonky as others say, let him have your dm and give you a break.
Boundaries are so important.
yoikes good luck.
Yes, song of the absent siblings....... as you say, wonder what they say to their mates? Who probably see them as devoted......

My bloody mother.

Lovely new gardener (LNG) and I met up at DM's recently so that she could help me with the back garden which she couldn't access without me going through the house.

She is a star this LNG, really hard working. I introduced her to DM, by (female) name, as her new gardener. LNG then chatted a bit to DM, who instead of responding or acknowledging that she was being spoken to, did this thing of looking over the gardener's head, at me, and then mouthing and gesturing something in a manner worthy of am dram. LNG realised she was being blanked and went off to another part of the garden, leaving me to listen to my mum impart something non urgent.

Fast forwards to today, and DM has the huff as she says DD went with a friend to do her garden and didn't introduce the gardener. I said it was me, etc, and I did introduce you. DM then huffs about the fact that LNG had tattoos, and that DM couldn't tell if they were male or female. She is so bloody backward. I know she is old, etc, but she has always been like that. If she says anything offensive to LNG I really think that might be it for me and getting her bloody garden looked after.

Have just deleted a large chunk of rant, but basically I really struggle with her attitude towards people (including me, forrin DH and my kids), and it just reinforces how little time I actually want to spend with her.

Rant over. (For now...)

God, sorry that was so long!

That sounds really hard.
Age is no excuse for ignorance imo.
After my dad died we would sometimes be out in the village and someone would come up to us to express their sympathy/condolences and she would just walk off!
I'd be stood there chatting and listening to them tell me what a lovely man he was (he was) and she just....left!
She is very difficult. Makes no effort. And wonders why she's lonely!

The flats don't have gardens thank god 🙌

All the oldies I know that have large gardens get no joy from them :(
They are just another source of stress/job they can't do.
Dh's aunt refuses to even set foot in her garden because she fell in it last year. It's a large area with lots of trees.

She is very difficult. Makes no effort. And wonders why she's lonely!

Exactly @yoikes. She was moaning today about how horrible her neighbours are, and how they never put her bin out for her so that she has to do it. (I put her bloody bin out every bloody week!).

And from what I have seen of them, her neighbours seem nice enough, they take one oldies (DM's NDN) dog out for her, another does her hair etc, and they always chat to me if they see me. But DM doesn't like the NDN because both she and her husband were on their second marriage. Shock horror. So I kind of think what goes around comes around with people like DM.

nota I’m so sorry about your DM’ s behaviour. You have gone to so much trouble to sort it for her.
My dm excels at this sort of prejudice especially with medics and in hospital- very loudly usually.
A social worker friend described it as generational prejudice but I th8nk it’s just really bad manners......
And rant away. We get it. Sending 🍷🍷🌺🌺🌺🍫🍫

Nota I feel your embarrassment. I'm having a shuddering flashback about the inlaw in hospital which had me saying "I don't care if they were born on Mars" more or less on repeat. I also suffer from being an interchangeable female person, I hear a tale of how she did so and so with X last week when X hasn't been here for two months and it was me.

The bin team fetch and return mum's bin. Where I live you have to have a special tiny bin to have them do that but not where she lives.

Wine all round? Don't mind if I do. thank you

Thanks all for letting me rant. I have eaten a bar of chocolate, and am about to open the vodka.

She is also usually at her racist worst in hospitals/GPs surgeries. I spend much time with my toes curled whilst mouthing 'sorry' at people.

She once feigned not being able to understand a word a (black) GP said and loudly turned to me to ask where I thought he was from, to which I loudly replied 'London, I think'. Which earned me a 'you think you're so clever, don't you'. (I may have smirked).

nota
Sounds like dh's aunt! She actively hates her neighbours - refuses to even talk to them - but we have no idea ehat they've done other than being "rude"...?
It's such a shame as she's on her own now and could use friendly neighbours.

I have a new policy regarding Mum being a loony (always has been), I don't assist other people having conversations with her. I throw them to the wolves.

I used to squirm and help out and smooth things over. Now I just smile and gaze into the middle distance. As though I'm just an employee.

Mum has taken to expressing her opinion loudly whenever something displeases her...can be quite embarrassing.
Supposed to sign the flat tennancy tomorrow!
Please keep everything crossed!
Oh, I think she fell down the stairs 2 nights ago!
(Her neighbour told me she text her because she heard a thud and clatter...)
She hasn't said anything to me...

Tennancy signed!

Phew. What a relief.

Carpet and hard flooring samples obtained. Going to have a sit down now.

Brilliant!!! Well done!!!!

I'm so relieved!
Oddly the flat seemed bigger today!

Hurrah for yoikes!

I hope that the move goes well and, more importantly, your Mum settles in and enjoys her new home.