The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

knot that’s great news- strike while the irons hot! Keep reminding her she’s agreed to it. Make sure it means one day a week you don’t need to visit.
Dm told me today she never sees anyone to talk to.....I was standing in front of her .....
dint dm is quite deaf and is beginning to acknowledge it but I really can’t face having to sort that out too....

That was bunting for knot

Let me just check which way the wind is blowing. Two weeks ago dad rang me to arrange a GP appointment for him to be prescribed "less food" because the home were overfeeding him. He refused all food (except breakfast, pudding and cake) for two days. This week he stll wants the GP appointment, but for them to prescribe him "more exercise".It's OK for me, I can just wait for things to blow over. You're having to make major decisions.

Dm told me today she never sees anyone to talk to. My father phoned me to say "We are Totally Without Any Means of Communication"

Oh bless dint love the bit about communication - and the bunting!

The challenge is at the moment that I don't know what she thinks about anything because it changes so often.

This may or may not be relevant, but was enlightening for me to hear from dad's new care home that they regard him as no longer having capacity to make decisions about his care, because although sometimes he appears to make a clear decision, he can't retain the information and isn't really understanding the consequences. Which in all honesty has been the case since well before he moved into care. So I now feel more comfortable that I do actually need to step in and make decisions that I honestly believe to be in his best interests, without feeling like he's looking over my shoulder all the time.

Dad is also prone to phoning me to say that his phone isn't working. What is it about old people and their complete lack of irony!

DM virtually attaches herself to me - despite me trying to social distance - to go into turbo witter mode, usually telling me she has seen nobody for weeks on end. Apparently I don't count, nor the daily carers, nor meals on wheels, etc. I can't work out if she actually believes it or not, so I just go along with it.

The carers agency keep contacting me to sort 'stuff'. I've started to not answer their calls/emails on the basis that none of it is urgent, and I really do need to step back for my own sanity.

DM seems to have grasped that there is no point in asking about going to the hairdresser, but has now started in on wanting me to take her round the charity shops. 'no mum' 'why won't you?' 'they are closed' 'why?' 'because of the fecking worldwide pandemic that has been raging for the last year!!!'

I feel like I owe everyone here an apology for my outburst the other week

My mum is lovely. I just find caring really hard.

But you guys are all going through serious shit, and I am sorry for moaning about nothing.

Acorn if it makes you feel any better I'm in a similar position, my mum is very loveable and for now her deficits are relatively small but she's changing in a way that neither she nor I would have chosen. It's upsetting, and it's not leading anywhere good, it's not like you're working toward recovery, you're just managing things until they get worse.

I have a lot of admiration for everyone here hanging in there despite some horrific circumstances, it's truly awful.

Oh Acorn you really don't need to apologise. I tried to PM you that evening but wasn't able to, as I totally related to what you were saying.

My mum was on pretty good form yesterday, and really appreciated what I did while I was round there which made a nice change.

She's not all bad but when she is, she's bloody awful, and I'm increasingly scared for her mental health/cognitive capacity atm.

acorn no apology needed...... we all have times when we need to rant and offload and the lovely folk on here get it. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that demolish us.
This is where we can whisper the stuff we would never say in rl. And be heard.
Glad it’s not just menot that is a non person.

Acorn don't worry about it, we are all human.

I am glad to see that it's not only me that doesn't register as a person. I know mum doesn't mean it but it feels like a slap in the face when she says she's not seen a soul for weeks and not spoken to anyone today. I feel like the invisible woman.

[paragraph removed by MNHQ at poster's request]

Acorn I can't remember anything that would remotely suggest an apology! Don't worry.

Knot I remember when I was small my mother saying in exasperation "she always starts playing up when you get home" and I thought in exasperation "doesn't she realise it's because I can relax when Dad is here?". I think if it's the same with elderly parents. "I haven't seen a soul" doesn't mean "you don't count", it means "you are the one person whose love I feel sure enough of to be able to share what's in my mind".

That’s a great point Dint. My mum has friends she’s known from a very young age, family she loves, newer friends who live nearby, people who share her interests etc, a good assortment of different relationships she can call upon. She has no reason to be lonely. But it looks like I serve a unique purpose.

Bleak humour of the day.
She rang from the hospital - they're letting her use the phone, because apparently I'm a bitch and "I don't want to know".
She didn't have a fall, she tells me, she was blue lighted in because she'd had a heart attack and she's been on life support, in fact they asked her if she wanted them to turn off her life support and she said yes. They're "very interested in her circumstances" but she wouldn't give them my details because she doesn't want to get me into trouble.

I think she forgets the paramedic phoned me to tell me she'd had a fall, and the ambulance would have had to go past my house. And I don't know, but asking patients if they want their own life support switched off? Is that...usual???

But she hadn't had a drink, oh no, very definitely not.

Am sort of sorry I answered the phone to her now.

knot are you ok? You must be so drained. WRT your dm expecting you to move in when your Dc goes back to uni- does she need to know they’ve gone?
All the non person comments make sense- we are just part of the furniture. Not guests requiring best behaviour.
cattermole that’s so tough. 🌺🌺

Dint thank you for that, I feel much better thinking that I don't count because I am safe and not seen as an outsider. I have fought for years against being regarded as an extension of herself so it would make sense that she doesn't see me as "other".

Cattermole I know an elderly drinking non-drinker (not mum). They deny ever being told not to drink despite ongoing treatment for liver damage and despite me witnessing them arguing with an actual doctor over the health benefits of wine. I see the empties in the recycling bin and I do wonder how many of the falls are down to a wine induced wobble.

I guess it's hard, mum does need more looking after but won't/can't acknowledge that. If it's me doing things then she doesn't have to accept that she has needs that she's no longer capable of dealing with. "I can cook my own dinner" but she doesn't know where the freezer is never mind what's in it (some days she does but on those days she might think that peas are fried). I am quite clear that I'm not moving there, she's not moving here. I have no interest in becoming a full time live in carer, if that's what she wants then she can hire one (several because they work shifts and get actual time off which I wouldn't). She has the money for that but there's no amount of money that would get me to do it because I don't want to.

It was a revelation when I discovered that I was the boss of me and that other people don't get to make my choices for me. Who knew? The people who say you are hard and selfish are the ones to watch for, they are the ones that are trying to benefit from you being a doormat.

It's been a better week, mum has seemed more like her old self and is eating with a bit more enthusiasm. She's still underweight but isn't losing weight at the moment. The ice cream and cream bun diet seems to be working.

@Knotaknitter totally relate to what you're saying. My mum has implied that she feels I should move in full time to help her look after dad, and that 16yo DD should be perfectly capable of living alone and looking after herself and the cats in our house .

@Cattermole I don't know what to say...that sounds incredibly tough.

I have actually managed some self-care this weekend. Day 'home alone' yesterday, cooked myself a lovely dinner with my favourite wine, resisted the temptation to go round after a mildly panicky phone call and spent some time with DD in the evening.

Fairly challenging walk with best mate this morning...slipped over in the mud 3 times but thanks to my epic failure to lose weight I bounced. Every cloud has a silver lining

Well done on the self-care Minty. I've actually had a good day today, I've started knitting myself a 1940s beret/tam thing and it's coming along quite nicely.

I am simply "not at home" to either her, the hospital, or any other interested parties. Either she has the capacity to make her own decisions - in which case, if I dare to make them on her behalf she tells people I'm controlling her - or she doesn't, in which case she needs to have a proper care package in place.
If that means I have to play the Evil Bitch Queen.....

I have no interest in becoming a full time live in carer, if that's what she wants then she can hire one (several because they work shifts and get actual time off which I wouldn't). She has the money for that but there's no amount of money that would get me to do it because I don't want to. Well done! That's the sort of statement that should be embroidered, framed, and hung on the wall!

I'm feeling so pissed off this morning! Woke to the BBC burbling happily about being able to visit the elderly in care homes, and being able to hold hands after months of screen visits. It's not like that! Our home will be closed until at least 29th March because some of the residents are shielding. There have been no screen visits, only window visits, with the window closed, so Dad is at the other side trying to get the window open and desperate that I have something important to tell him. I haven't had a two-way conversation with him in the last year, and I'm certainly not able to today.

@MereDintofPandiculation

That must be tough, and you're right, the news bears no relation to the reality.

I spoke to potential respite home this morning. It's a possibility but dad will need a Covid test before admittance then have to quarantine for 10 days during which he can't leave his room (unlikely anyway) and we cannot visit at all.

After that they have a 'visitor pod' which we may be able to see him in for an hour once or twice a week.

He is so very frail and not in a good place mentally, complaining of feeling bored and lonely.

Mum's very wobbly about the idea and based on how he seems today I don't feel in all conscience that I'd be inclined to try to convince her otherwise.

My mum's care home where she is for respite have a pod but are starting indoor visits from Thursday. I have to get a negative PCR test and then a LF test when I arrive on the day. Full PPE and a 30 minute visit. However, that is so much better than what you have experienced @MereDintofPandiculation that is tough. That does sound a bit overkill, visiting through a closed window-that must have been rather distressing for everyone.

@MintyCedric it is a hard decision to make. The once a week visiting is tough I won't lie. Not sure how your DM would cope with that?

I visited mum on Sunday and it was not a good visit. Her first words were "I thought you were coming with your mum?!" I was a little dumbstuck and muttered something about it just being me and changed the subject. She hates it there-but not sure she would like it anywhere at the moment. She has another UTI and conjunctivitis. No clue how long she will be there or what will happen when she leaves. I feel so helpless-I fought tooth and nail to get her home last year but it just seems different this time, even I can see she's not up to it right now. It is so weird going from 30+ calls a day to none-she has her mobile but isn't using it. I shouldn't moan really! Hope everyone else is as okay as possible.

@OnthePiste

That sounds tough, for both you and your mum. The feeling of helplessness if so awful.

Re dad, I've agreed with mum that we'll both mull it over overnight, but my gut is telling me it's just not right at the moment.

With DD going back to school I'm hoping we can get back in a bit of a routine, which I think Dad needs and also more stimulation when he's able to engage. If anyone has ideas for very basic activities someone visually impaired and with limited manual dexterity might be able to manage I'm open to suggestions.

As difficult as mum is, I am loving being able to spend more time taking care of Dad.

Yesterday I sat with him and helped him with his lunch (he can manage finger food himself and drink from a normal cup if I make sure he's holding it properly) then fed him chocolate buttons while we watched David Attenborough on Netflix. The small, quiet moments like that just make it all more bearable and I know I'll look back on them when the inevitable and be grateful for this time despite how hard it's been.