The Cockroach Cafe Mark 3

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Morning all! regulars or newbies, coping with your oldies is a frustrating, exhausting and difficult business however much we love them. The Cockroach Cafe is open to all, a place to vent, rant, ask questions, get advice, and hopefully laugh too.

If your question is big, it's best to start a new thread, and get all the advice together in one place. But for everything else, the cafe is the right place.

For newbies: why cockroach? Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So cockroach mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I consistently fail the Captcha tests. I read the other day that they're using the results of Captcha tests to help train autonomous vehicles

To train them to shout "piss off" at the screen? 😂

I don't mind telephone passcodes. But with internet they seem to be adding so many layers of security, it would have been less hassle to go into the bank!

Piste oh lordy. I wish there were single sex homes. I've just realised that's another thing that would scare mum, not that I blame her.

Afternoon all, just sticking my head round the door here for a bijou rant-ette.
My mum's 80, alcoholic, physically frail, mentally unwell. Doesn't really engage with any of the agencies and tries very hard to manipulate things so that I'm responsible for her.

Under normal circumstances obviously you'd expect the family of a fragile old lady to bring her home, clean her flat, bring her clothes in hospital etc, but mum's "bit of a mess" is wee and poo smeared on the walls and the carpets, vomit - often blood - in the bedding -
AIBU to say no, here? This is waaaaay above my paygrade, and if the hospital can't discharge her until the biohazard is cleaned SHE must arrange for it to be cleaned, and if necessary pay for that to be done professionally?

Oh my goodness Cattermole definitely not your circus!

Thanks MintyCedric the hospital have been somewhat tetchy with me before, of the "well you can't just LEAVE her here!" variety, and I'm very much of a mind that if someone's behaving like that at home it's a pretty clear indicator that actually, not only can I just leave them there, but that's exactly what I should do.

I mean I do appreciate that they're busy and under-resourced and all that, but that kind of behaviour needs to be looked at.

@Cattermole there are companies that specialise in biohazard cleaning, I am sure that the council will have a list of approved contractors. I found one locally that did one off cleaning in domestic property so they aren't all aimed at the care sector.

I found poop in carpet ito be my limit, I did one memorable day that involved living room, hall, stairs, landing, bathroom (that was laminate thankfully) and that was the point where I resigned from future care. I doubt I would have been able to back away if I hadn't been pushed beyond my limits. I was better with blood, probably because I'm not fighting the urge to vomit and the volume was smaller.

I wouldn't do it, not again. I would let it be someone else's problem to sort out. I know that sounds heartless but there's no acknowledgment of there being a problem if that problem magically goes away. If social services can see the conditions that she's been living in then they will have a different view of her needs than if she's sitting there in a sparkling home that smells strongly of bleach. "Everything is fine" is difficult to pull off when all the physical evidence is to the contrary.

At the time it happened to me I did wonder how people managed if they lived on their own with no unwilling relatives to press into clean up if they weren't capable of kneeling but I'm assuming the answer involves long handled tools and a carpet cleaner.

Nice to see you @MintyCedric, I was wondering how you were getting on.

Interestingly enough,@Knotaknitter, she has had one of those before (last time I was a Bad Daughter and apparently all the hospital staff thought I was such a bitch for not helping my poor mum...I quote) and she refused to pay them she claimed they hadn't done the work. Presumably the poo-fairies came in the night.

Sorry if I sound grumpy but increasingly I suspect there's being an attempt made to play me into a corner from which I must be the Dutiful Child. Hmph.

I suspect there's being an attempt made to play me into a corner from which I must be the Dutiful Child.

Yep, I feel your pain .

Thanks @Knotaknitter ...same shit, different day here really. Having put moving dad into residential care on hold last week mum has now decided that dad should go into respite. The place he went before has availability now in a couple of weeks and has booked us in for phone assessment next Monday, and I phoned and left a message for the funding team this morning so hopefully it's in hand at their end.

I had my counselling assessment this morning and will get a phone call tomorrow with their suggestions for me after they've had their case conference. There was lots of murmuring about accessing help.privately due to waiting lists and the possible need for longer term therapy.

Minty The idea of respite care is that it gives everyone a rest. This time instead of being there every day can you plan to put your feet up (or do some decorating). If DM wants to be there every day then that's her choice but she doesn't get to choose for you.

@Knotaknitter

Minty The idea of respite care is that it gives everyone a rest. This time instead of being there every day can you plan to put your feet up (or do some decorating). If DM wants to be there every day then that's her choice but she doesn't get to choose for you.

Hahahahaha!!!!

They now have a visiting pod, so opportunities to visit will be very limited I imagine.

I'm sure she'll expect me to be dancing attendance on her every five minutes though.

I can't even describe how utterly sick, exhausted, angry and resentful I am that I seem to have spent my.entire adult life being responsible for the happiness of others, and just as I'm reaching a point where DD is independent and I've got shot of the XH, fate has seen fit to throw Covid and this apparently never ending shitshow at me.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way and there are plenty who have it worse.

I just wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel, or a set of boxes I could tick that would lead to a satisfactory end result and a bit of freedom and peace of mind.

I just keep thinking I could have another 10 years of this crap...

@MintyCedric you don't need to describe it to me, I know, I think.

I hear you. If you want to DM me and say awful things about the situation I'm happy to agree with every word.

Minty I have the t shirt too. I was raised to put myself last and make everyone else happy (even total strangers). When I was put in a situation of deciding what I wanted I didn't have a clue, I'd always gone with what other people wanted. What mum wants now is for me to move in so we can both be happy together and this is the part where I rebel and set off for a walking tour of the fjords. I'm nearly 60 and I'd like to have a life of my own.

Oh my lord @Knotaknitter...I'm only 45. The thought of this still being the status quo in 15 years literally makes my blood run cold.

I feel as though I have choices...continue putting my life on hold which will keep mum in check and I'll be doing 'the right thing'.

Or walk away with all the attendant aggro and guilt.

What I'd like is a middle ground. Once dad passes mum in some kind of semi independent housing with her own space but people and support around if she wants/needs them, and to get on my life around a visit once or twice a week.

Of course that will never right/enough.

Thanks @Cattermole

...the offer goes both ways...

Knot don’t do it!! I get the programming..... part of my life too. I feel guilty if I’m home as dm is alone 5 mins walk away...... and I’ll be off to the fiords too avfter lockdown... or even visiting a friend and going to a coffee shop!
Dm is approaching 96 folks... get paid care in ASAP. doesn’t get rid of the guilt but helps...
minty respite means a break for YOU. And your dd still needs you.
cockroach all

Once things open up again that will force a change. I AM going to be going to London for a few days of musuem wandering and during that time there will need to be some professional care, either at home or in a residential setting. I will not be available - end of discussion. After she's done it once without the world ending then the second time will be easier. By then I will have sorted out hearing aids/glasses and in my dreams, new clothes.

@Knotaknitter

Once things open up again that will force a change. I AM going to be going to London for a few days of musuem wandering and during that time there will need to be some professional care, either at home or in a residential setting. I will not be available - end of discussion. After she's done it once without the world ending then the second time will be easier. By then I will have sorted out hearing aids/glasses and in my dreams, new clothes.

I've booked a couple of nights in London to celebrate the end of DDs GCSEs and two weeks in Yorkshire next summer as well as a few provisional nights out planned with my bestie.

My mother nearly spontaneously combusted when I mentioned my plans .

Great that you’re making plans.
knot don’t know if it helps but I got specsavers to do a home optician visit for mum- excellent! Book on line if dm can’t get to optician easily.

Hiya, been lurking for a bit, may I join? Grateful for this thread and in awe of you lot, my situation is not even close to what many of you are dealing with. My mum is 80, pretty fit and well, usually lives on her own (not in the UK) and spent last year largely alone and when I was finally able to see her between lockdowns she asked if she could come home with me. We have spent almost every waking hour together since August.

At some point in the last few years she stopped saying please and thank you, requests were 'Get me xyz' and 'You can do xyz for me' (after I pointed it out she sometimes corrects herself as an addendum, eg 'Get me that... Please!'). Aagh there are loads of little things like this, the loss of the ability to read the room, the narration (eg 'Oh look, there's a dog/helicopter/what does that sign say' etc while I'm driving or doing something complex), the sad stories (today it was the story about the dogs who attacked her friend's dog, no thank you), the endless nonsensical demands for explanations about everything, like a toddler, pressing me to do things I don't want to do (incl accepting 'help' with things I want to do myself) until I get cross.

My mum and I have always been close and I genuinely enjoy her company, but now there is no escape. And the ways in which she is failing are not very different to the way she has always been, just concentrated, so it's hard to differentiate between ageing and usual button-pushing mother-daughter stuff. And if you met her you'd think she was as sweet and cute as can be.

I'm an introvert and used to having great chunks of sweet alone time and my dh is also now home 24hrs a day, and I haven't been to counselling for a year.

Oh, and perimenopause, enough said.

Thanks for letting me say all this here, sorry to have walked in and dumped this on the thread all at once but it feels a relief to get it out so thank you again for that.

Hello crisp welcome to the club no one wants to be in!
Totally get what you are saying - and the hurt caused. We hear you! 🌺
Can you escape briefly even for dare I say a walk?
We often have talked here about metaphorically applying Teflon to ourselves before engaging to reduce how much it hurts. Have a look at FOG fear obligation and guilt..... on line.

Welcome @crispinglovershighkick

Rant away - God knows it makes a change from me doing it!

I understand what you're saying about the little things too...the turbo witter, the complete lack of gratitude, the assumptions...and the lack of space and the perimenopause.

Another crappy day here...no 'companion' today so was under pressure to go round. Agreed to pop in for a coffee this afternoon as I had an online workshop this morning until 1pm.

On the dot of 2pm...panicking phone call about dad being in pain/distressed. Went straight round, he'd had paracetamol and was beginning to settle but still kept calling out albeit was talking gibberish most of the time.

Called GP...mum needs to ensure she is giving him the slow release oramorph every 12 hours, and can top up as needed with paracetamol and oramorph. Apparently that's 'all too confusing' and 'no-one can possibly understand unless they are here 24/7' .

GP was baffled as to why the end of life team won't come out and why he's been turned down by the hospice. I asked that they try another referral but I got the impression that they won't do that unless we can't manage his pain at home and there's a long way to go on that front if mum just does what she's supposed to!

No reply yet from the funding team about respite care, and the local counselling service who assessed me yesterday called back to say they think I need longer term more specialist input than they can provide and 'signposted' me to 'low cost' paid for services. Pointed out that even low cost wasn't terribly helpful for a single parent with a teenager and a mortgage to pay who's currently living on Carer's Allowance and Universal Credit.

I guess I just keep trucking until I lose my shit sufficiently to end up back on the CMH team's books again.

So curry tonight and lashings of wine...

Thank you, the warm welcome means a lot.

And thank you for hearing that I'm hurt, I feel a bit embarrassed that I can't rise above it.

She had a stroke a few years ago, I'm sure some of the notable omissions are related. The lack of please and thank you are just ????? Is this an exective function wobble?

Minty yes to turbowitter, perfect. Sorry to hear you have your hands well and truly full. Good luck re therapy. I felt like seeing my therapist was a bit of a formality but now doing without for a year I really understand how helpful it was to me.

sandwich yes I can take walks, but my mum has seen such a downturn in fitness (esp after two weeks of quarantine post travel) we've been walking together almost every day to build her strength up (tbh it's the time we communicate the best), and I have two dogs so they need walks too. And taking a walk on my own isn't relaxing for me, I miss my time at home. I miss being able to cook a meal from start to finish without someone charging in at the most complicated/dangerous part, launching into an elaborate story and reaching under my nose while I'm wielding a boiling kettle/pot of pasta/red-hot roasting tin ('just getting' a teaspoon/glass of water/something else that can easily wait 30 seconds).

I miss my time at home.

I know ((hug))

Just seeing that written down has made me well up. I'm a really introvert too and love my space and alone time.

Sometimes I feel like no-one else gets it, least of all my mum.

crisp in the last week, I have actually said to mum "please stop talking, I can't cope".

My mother is a lovely person luckily, so she stopped. I live alone. Turbo witter is unbearable. I don't think she ever did that to dad. I realise there's a built up loneliness but getting turbo witter on every visit and then on the phone on the days I don't visit..argh.

Could you ask yours to please be quiet?

minty I hope you don't mind me saying...in the nicest possible way, do you think more therapy is a good plan? I know you like writing and I'm a big believer in having engaging activity going on. I just wonder if more taking about it - and you'd get a bill - is the best approach for you. You might get more fun and distraction with writing. Ignore me if I'm talking shit.

Hello Crisp, nice to see a new face. I am not going to launch into a rant because it's too close to my bedtime but I'm sure it'll not be long. I'm on a short fuse all the time these days.

There was a 24 hour period where my son was going to be returning to university next week leaving me vulnerable to the play of "well you live alone and I live alone, why don't you come and live with me?" Nonono. I also need my own space and time for my ears to have a rest. He's now not returning until after Easter which buys me another five weeks. Whoopee.

Minty Can't your mother do what we mere mortals do when we want to remember things and have a reminder on her phone? Does she have any cognitive decline? (in which case it might genuinely be too confusing)